My hand is clenched around the manila envelope. I’ve already left a fist-size indentation along the edge from clutching it too tight. With every floor the elevator passes, the tremble in my bones gets worse.
I’m about to be alone with him, and I can’t seem to get the image of him with his hands wrapped around Sage’s neck out of my mind.
My moral compass isn’t just skewed. It’s dead. The needle no longer points north. I’m not sure where it’s pointing at the moment because the temptation to walk into that hotel room and end his miserable existence calls to me like a gross, violent seduction.
As the elevator chimes, I pick my head up and face forward.
Where there would normally be an entourage of assistants and security guards, there is no one. Just an empty hallway in a four-star hotel, where my father is currently hiding.
As I approach his door, I take a deep breath and look back at the papers in my hand. There aren’t many in this folder, and really only one that matters. I’m not sure how I’m going to go about this, whether it be blackmail, begging, or violence, but I know which one sounds more satisfying. I also don’t know what state he’ll be in when I go in there. Will he be the smug, pompous, ego-inflated asshole who I sat across from four months ago?
Or will he be humbled?
I’m not sure which one I want.
It’ll be a lot harder to kick his ass if he’s desperate and apologetic, but not impossible.
So I guess there’s only one way to find out. My knuckles rap on the door. Then I hear his footsteps heavy on the hotel carpet before the dead bolt clicks as he unlocks it. A moment later, he opens it, and then…there he is.
Standing in dirty clothes, wreaking of whiskey, gaunt and exhausted in a presidential suite…alone.
As his eyes bore into mine, I feel like I’m sharing eye contact with my real dad for the first time in my life. He’s not a god or an idol, or a hero. He’s just a simple man who cares about no one but himself.
With surrender in his eyes, he backs up and opens the doorway, allowing me to enter.
“Come in,” he mutters with a tired-sounding rasp in his voice.
I step in with hesitation, looking around to get a sense of the scene. I’m not sure which of us is feeling more vulnerable at the moment, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let my guard down around him now.
“Where’s Mark?” I ask in a cruel, sarcastic tone as I stand next to the desk against the wall. Unlike the one in his office, this desk is empty. His work is gone.
He huffs. “They think it’s best if another pastor steps in for the time being. To protect the ministry’s name.”
A slow, dark chuckle creeps up my chest, and soon it’s a full laugh, sinister and satisfying.
“I’m glad you think this is so funny,” he says as he drops onto the maroon-colored sofa. As he props his feet up on the coffee table, I enjoy watching karma at work.
“Sit down,” he says in a fatherly tone, and my eyes narrow at him. I don’t move an inch toward the chair facing him.
“I’m here on my business, not yours. If you think for one fucking second I’m going to just listen to you the way I did before, you’re wrong. You nearly killed the love of my life, and I will hate you for that until the day I die.”
He scoffs with a smug, bitter expression. “The love of your life? Give me a break, Adam. Just because you found a good piece of ass—”
“Stop it!” I bellow, slamming my fist down hard on the desk. Emotion bubbles its way up to the surface, and I’m done holding it back. Everything this man has done to my family in the course of my life has pushed me to this point.
“Why can’t you just be my father? Why did you have children if you never had the desire to love anyone but yourself? Instead of pretending to be a good man…why couldn’t you just fucking be a good man?”
He stares at me without emotion, and, to be honest, I don’t know if he has any. Maybe that’s why he can stomp all over the people he’s supposed to love. He feels nothing.
I toss the envelope on the table in front of him and drop into the chair, feeling defeated. I came here trying to get through to him, but it’s clear I never will. The closure I want doesn’t exist.
“You couldn’t possibly understand how much I love Sage,” I say, the boom and anger in my voice dissolved. Then I look up at him. “The love of your life is your fame and success. It’s not God or faith or Mom or any of us. It certainly isn’t the twins and it sure as fuck isn’t Isaac.”
His jaw clenches and he looks away from me at the mention of my baby brother.
“But I’ll be honest. I thought for a moment it was me.” I hate how desperate I sound. Sad and broken, like a puppy that’s been kicked by its owner too many times. “And I lived to be your favorite. It’s all I wanted in life. In turn, everyone I care about got hurt. So I’m done.”
I let out a long sigh of relief. It feels like the chains have been broken, and for the first time in my life, I’m truly free.
“So what do you want then?” he asks, like not a single word I just said matters.
I laugh to myself before flipping open the envelope and shoving the deed toward him. “Sign it over to Sage. It’s the least you can do for her. After what you’ve done.”
He stares at the paper for a moment, but he doesn’t move toward it. I wait in anticipation. The sooner he signs the paperwork I’ve had drawn up, the sooner I can get the fuck out of here.
When he lifts his eyes to my face, my blood turns cold.
“No,” he mumbles, and I grow immediately frustrated.
“What do you mean, no? What the hell do you need with it now?”
“Adam, it does me no good to sign over a sex club to my son’s girlfriend.”
“Your reputation is already in fucking shambles. What difference does it make?” I yell.
“Listen,” he says through tight lips. “I’m going to prison, probably for at least five to ten years. I don’t want to see everything I’ve built run into the ground while I’m gone.”
My mouth is hanging open as I stare at him. “And?”
“And I need you.”
“Fuck you,” I reply with a laugh. “You expect me to help you? Have you lost your fucking mind?”
“I want you to take the church, Adam. Take my place. Head the ministry and turn it all around before those assholes give it to someone else. I want it to stay in our name. The people still love you, son. It’s not too late to turn your reputation around.”
I barely even notice when he stops talking. I’m just staring at him as I realize he’s finally saying the words I prayed for him to say every day of my adult life.
In my mind, I picture myself up there. At the pulpit, in front of the crowd, writing my own sermons, and hearing my voice boom through the mic as I deliver them. I see it all.
This is everything I ever wanted.
My way.
He’s handing me the keys to the kingdom, and I’m still too stunned to even move.
Then, my eyes trail down to the open folder on the table, the deed to the club sitting there. And it all clicks into place. Everything makes sense now…and yet, nothing makes sense at the same time.
I fall back in the seat and stare up at the ceiling, and I laugh.
Because it’s all so fucking hilarious at this point. And I can’t stop. The chuckle turns into a mad howling and I sound downright maniacal.
“Get yourself together,” he says as my cackles continue.
“It’s so fucking ironic,” I say through my laughter. “You can’t sign the sex club over to her and the church over to me at the same time. How fucking stupid is that?”
He furrows his brow at me. “You think you can marry her? People will forget about those sex tapes you made if you come clean and ask for forgiveness, but if that club is in her name, your future as a pastor is gone. They will never accept you, Adam, and you know it.”
“I don’t give a shit. I just don’t care because I don’t want it. Not the church or the fame or the work or anything that might put me at risk of turning into you. I don’t want it.”
I stand from the chair and start to pace the room. I feel renewed. Turning down everything I’ve ever wanted is terrifying, but I feel as if I’ve done the first right thing in my life, and I’m suddenly high on it.
So I turn back toward him, pointing a finger. “And I think you’re wrong. I think a lot of people would accept us. You taught me since I was a kid that that place was evil and wrong, but all you did was instill fear and ignorance. Now I truly understand. Sex and God coexist. You can have…both. You can be both.”
His unfocused gaze is settled somewhere across the room as I speak, and I suddenly realize I don’t want to be here anymore. He doesn’t listen and he doesn’t care, so there’s no point.
I’ll buy Sage a new club. I’ll give her the world, whatever she wants. And we can finally move on without either of them, Brett or my dad.
My hand is on the door as he finally speaks.
“I’ll sign it right now, and you can give her everything she’s ever wanted…”
I’m frozen in place as his words hover over me like a dark cloud. There’s a very obvious if missing from his statement, and I wait to hear it. The rustling of papers draws my attention, and when I finally turn around, he’s holding a pen. Looking at me with an expression of expectation, he waits for my answer.
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
I’m not a fool. I know he’s not giving me something for nothing.
But when the listless eyes of the woman I love flash through my mind, I realize he’s right. I could give her everything she’s ever wanted. And that temptation is the greatest I’ve ever faced.
