Five Years Later
‘We need to get dressed, baby girl,’ I murmur to Milan, running my hand across her belly. ‘Shep and Ainsley will be here with the boys soon.’
‘Mm,’ Milan moans, throwing her arm over her face to cover her eyes. ‘I don’t want to move. You wore me out.’
‘You can nap later,’ I promise, chuckling. Every time she’s pregnant, we spend most of our spare time either fucking or napping. I’m not complaining. With an almost four-year-old and a two-year-old in the house, finding time to be alone together is a struggle. Julian and Jayce are as obsessed with my princess as I am. If they’re home, they want to be right beside her.
I don’t mind. Our boys are adorable, and Milan is an incredible mother. Then again, I always knew she would be. She’s always been a caretaker. She thrives when she has people to nurture. It makes her happy to spoil the people in our lives with love and attention. Even though she and Ainsley are the same age, she’s still a little mama bear to my niece. She’s the same way when it comes to me and our boys. She spoils all of us every single day and lets us spoil her in return.
Not a day goes by when I don’t hold her in my arms and tell her how much she means to me. I went far too long without saying those words to her and hurt her deeply as a result. I don’t think I realized just how badly it hurt her until the first time we had a fight about three months after we found out she was pregnant with Julian. I stepped out to cool down. She thought I left.
I found her sobbing on the phone to Ainsley an hour later, asking what was wrong with her that made everyone want to leave her. Even though it was partly the hormones talking, it fucking broke me to see her so distraught. I picked her up off of the floor and held her. She fought me like a little hellcat until she finally cried it all out.
When she was done, I promised her that I would never walk away from her. She told me that she knew I loved her but that seeing me walk out the door like that reminded her of all the times her dad would come home to visit and then disappear again without a word. He would just get up and leave. I had to talk myself out of killing him all over again when she told me that.
A few days after that fight, she asked me if she could talk to somebody about her abandonment issues. Her therapist helped her work through a lot of the resentment and pain her father left her with. I felt like an asshole for not getting her in to see someone long before then. Taking care of her is my job. No. It’s the highlight of my life. I should have made sure she had someone to talk to, even before I made her mine.
We rarely fight, but when we do, we stay and hash that shit out. I will never again let her think for even a second that I don’t want her or don’t want to be near her. She knows she’s the center of my world and is content in that knowledge. She knows I’m not John Cooper and that I’ll never leave her, but I still make a point to remind her every day that there is nowhere I’d rather be than at her side.
She’s grown a lot in the years since. She still gives me hell at every available opportunity because we both get off on that shit, but she’s so happy all the time. She’s settled in a way she never was before, at peace with herself and her life and the way she grew up. She is the most incredible person I know. She’s my baby girl, my warrior, the mother of my children. She is everything to me.
And I’m still her daddy. Our entire lives changed when we had kids, but not that. Never that. She still pushes my buttons to rile me up. I still spank her gorgeous ass until she’s pleading for relief. We still fuck and fight and love. God, there is so much love between us.
I’m still not sure I deserve it. With the things I’ve done in my life, part of me knows I will never deserve the life I have with my baby girl and our boys. But I work everyday to be a better man and to be as worthy of them as possible.
As for her father, he decided he wanted to try to be a real father when Milan told him she was pregnant with Julian. She didn’t expect much but gave him a chance. That ended the day he showed up three sheets to the wind. I’ve never been as proud of her as I was that day. She stood up for herself and our babies and told her father, for the first time, that she deserved better than the neglect and grief he gave her.
He’s checked himself into rehab more than once over the years. It never takes. The sad reality is that it never will until he’s ready to deal with the guilt that drives him. I keep tabs on him for her. She doesn’t ask about him often. He calls every couple of months, promising me that he’s going to get sober and come see her. I remind him every time that he’s not to step foot on the property until that happens. It hasn’t yet.
Milan still holds out hope that he’ll change. I hope it too because she deserves so much more than he’s given her. But he no longer has the power to hurt her. She knows now that his issues are his own and have nothing to do with her.
We’ve built our own family out of the people in our lives who matter. Surprisingly, our family is quite a bit bigger than either of us ever expected. Milan became close to Jax Archer’s wife, Jessa, our first trip to Tennessee. Jessa and Jax brought Cyrus and his wife along. And then Mac Sterling and his wife joined the fold. Our circle has grown from there. Milan calls us the Billionaires’ Club.
Ainsley and her husband are a big part of our lives too. Not long after Milan and I got married, Ainsley found her home in Valor, Wyoming with Shep Stratford. Once I learned that he was in a motorcycle club, letting her stay took every ounce of strength I had. I wanted to run in, guns blazing to bring her home. Milan talked me down. I’m glad she did.
Shep isn’t what I would have chosen for Ainsley. Somehow, he’s better. He loves my niece the way she deserves to be loved. And it doesn’t hurt that there is an entire army of men at his back, willing to kill to protect her. She’s happy with him and thriving in a way she never did here.
Shep and I butted heads a lot in the beginning. We’re both used to calling the shots. When Ainsley and Milan turned up pregnant at the same time, that ended pretty quickly. All it took was making them cry once. They made Travis take them to get ice cream and manicures, leaving us to figure our shit out. Shep and I both felt like assholes. We struck an agreement before they got home, and we’ve stuck by it. Somewhere along the way, we both realized we’re not all that different. In the years since, we’ve gone from grudging allies to close friends. So long as he makes my niece and their babies happy, we’re good.
Part of me will always regret that it took Ainsley running for me to realize that I was causing her pain. I spent so long just trying to make it through each day that I forgot how to live. And then I forced that same half-life on her, afraid to let her live. Afraid of what I would turn into if something happened to her. That wasn’t her burden to carry. She forgave me long ago for making her carry it. If Julian and Marissa are watching us, I hope they’ve forgiven me too for the pain I caused their daughter…and for what happened to them.
The man I was back then and the things I did nearly destroyed me. They cost me my brother and sister-in-law. They cost Ainsley her parents. That will never be okay. It’s a wrong I will never be able to right. But I try like hell to be someone different. Someone better. I hope like hell Julian and Marissa see it.
People say I’ve gone soft since I married Milan. They don’t know just how right they are. If anyone has a problem with the age difference between us, they’re smart enough to keep it to themselves. I may be softer, but no one disrespects my wife without answering to me. She brought me back to life the day I met her. The day she agreed to marry me, she put the monster I was to rest for good. But I’d still kill to protect my family. Most people are smart enough not to test me.
Being at the top doesn’t drive me like it once did. Having power and control no longer interests me. Destroying lives in my quest to be the best isn’t justifiable. The only thing I need in this life is my family, and I will absolutely kill to protect them. The rest just doesn’t fucking matter.
The funny thing about it? My business ventures are doing better than ever. Not long after Milan got pregnant with Julian, I teamed up with Jax Archer and Mac Sterling to turn some of my ranches into retreats for rich men who want to get away and play at being outdoorsmen. We have one outside of Yellowstone and another in the mountains in Tennessee. The Lost Falls retreats have done incredibly well, particularly with men nearing retirement age who want one last run at conquering the great outdoors and younger men wanting to escape the pressures of everyday life.
Life is good. Soon, it’ll be even better. Milan and Ainsley are both pregnant again. Our daughter will be here in a few months. I can’t wait to meet her. Neither can her brothers. We decided to name her Jillian. The boys call her their Jilly Bean. Milan is beautiful every day, but she’s radiant when she’s pregnant. She glows bright as the sun.
I’m a lucky son of a bitch.
‘Come on, pretty baby,’ I murmur, scooping her up into my arms before she manages to fall asleep on me. Shep and Ainsley kept the boys this weekend so I could get their mama alone for a little uninterrupted pampering. We spent all day yesterday in the bed, making love, cuddling, and talking. Shep and I are building the kids a swing-set today.
‘No,’ Milan says, drawing the word out. Her bottom lip pokes out into a pout I want to kiss off her gorgeous face.
‘Sorry, baby girl,’ I murmur, carrying her toward the bathroom. ‘Shep and Ainsley will have our boys home soon.’
‘I love our boys,’ she says, her pout turning into a smile. ‘And Shep and Ainsley.’
‘I know you do.’
She lets me set her on the vanity long enough to get the shower going. Once the water is heating, I pick her up again. Holding this woman will never get old. When she’s in my arms, I know perfection. There isn’t a single part of holding and caring for her that I don’t love.
I rest one hand on her belly. Our daughter moves beneath my hand and then I feel her foot tap against it. As soon as I feel her little kick, my heart swells. ‘Morning, sweet angel,’ I murmur, tapping one finger against Milan’s belly where Jill just kicked me. ‘You gotta behave today and not make mommy sick. Daddy has work to do.’
Jill kicks me again. I chuckle and follow her movements with my hand until she settles down. She’s always most active in the mornings. Sometimes, she spends hours kicking Milan. My baby girl never complains though. No matter how uncomfortable she gets when she’s pregnant, she loves every minute of the experience.
So do I. I never imagined that fatherhood could be such a satisfying endeavor, but it is. When our boys come running to meet me at the door each day, I feel like a king. When Jayce crawls into my lap and pries my hand open before placing it on his head, silently demanding that I rub his head until he falls asleep, I feel the same way. When Julian runs to me to ask for help with his Lego masterpieces, I feel it then too. There have been thousands of little moments over the years that I wouldn’t trade for anything. My pregnant wife in my arms while our daughter kicks me is another moment of perfection. I don’t deserve it. But I’d die to keep it.
‘I can’t wait to meet her,’ Milan murmurs when the baby finally settles down.
‘Neither can I.’ I brush my lips across her temple, carrying her toward the shower. The steam swirls around us as I close us in. The hot water hits Milan and she moans, melting in my arms like a Popsicle. I press her up against the wall, giving her a lingering kiss.
‘Thank you,’ I whisper against her lips.
‘For what?’ She cracks one eye open to look at me.
‘For being an incredible mother to our children. For loving us the way you do. For being you.’ I press my forehead to hers, overwhelmed with gratitude for her, with love for her. ‘For giving me this life. I never knew how badly I wanted it until you were mine.’
‘Oh,’ she whispers, bumping her nose against mine.
‘Every damn day, I love you a little bit more.’
‘Me too, Justice. I love you so damn much. You’re my daddy, my whole world.’ A watery laugh escapes her lips. ‘Now stop making me all weepy and give me more of those thank you kisses. I like them.’
‘You do, hmm?’ I murmur, spinning to place her on the built-in bench. I drop to my knees in front of her, pulling her ass to the edge. ‘Then you’ll love these kisses, baby girl.’
‘Daddy,’ she moans, throwing her head back.
I’m not wrong. She does love them. Twice before the hot water runs out.
Milan
‘Maybe we should call a professional,’ Ainsley suggests, watching Shep and Justice as they try to figure out how to put together the playset Justice bought for the kids. It’s in pieces all over the yard. The kids lost interest hours ago and ran off to play with their light sabers.
Julian and Scout, Ainsley’s oldest little girl, are currently using them to try to cut down a tree. They’re not getting very far, but they’re content so I’m certainly not going to tell them they don’t stand a chance. Jayce and Raven are playing in the dirty nearby. Raven doesn’t say much, but Jayce babbles enough for the both of them.
It makes me happy to see how close they are. Even though Shep and Ainsley live a few hours away, we get together every chance we get. The boys love going to stay at their little farm. Julian isn’t afraid of much. He gets so excited about riding the horses. Jayce doesn’t much care what he’s doing. He’s always happy.
‘We’re fine,’ Justice says. He looks incredibly handsome with his sleeves rolled up and a scowl of concentration on his face. He’s still as sexy to me as ever. His hair has a lot more gray in it now, but he still has more stamina and energy than I do.
Shep grunts his agreement. He’s pretty handsome himself. He’s tall and ripped and worships the ground Ainsley walks on. I love needling Justice about him and his brothers in the MC. They’re all gorgeous. I like it when Justice gets all possessive when I mention how hot they are. It usually ends in orgasms for me. He’s on to my game, but he hasn’t called me out for it yet. I think he likes finding new ways to punish me for being a brat.
Ainsley looks at me with wide eyes, which makes me giggle. They definitely aren’t fine. They’re both capable of so many things. They’re strong and gorgeous and bossy and could probably slay actual dragons. They’re also both stubborn as hell. They have no idea what they’re doing, but they refuse to admit defeat. It’s kind of adorable how determined they are to do this themselves.
‘Why don’t men ever read the directions?’
‘We don’t need the fucking directions,’ Shep responds.
Ainsley hides a laugh behind her hand.
‘The directions make no goddamn sense,’ Justice agrees. ‘It says bolt S goes right here, but there is no bolt S.’
‘Let me see,’ I demand, wriggling until I’m able to get out of my lounger. It’s a lot of work, but Ainsley holds out a hand, allowing me to drag myself up. By the time I’m on my feet, I’m red in the face and breathing hard. Both of our boys were small. I think Jilly Bean is going to be a fully grown toddler when she comes out. She’s already measuring big for her gestational age. I didn’t even need the doctor to tell me that. I’m six months, and I look like I’m going on twelve months with twins.
I’m pretty sure it’s Justice’s fault. He loves to feed me. More often than not, he pulls me down into his chair with him at dinner. I cuddle on his lap while he feeds me and Julian regales us with tales of his adventures. I’m ninety-nine percent sure he makes up most of the stories he tells us since there is usually bloodshed involved. And sometimes dragons. But he’s very convincing.
Jayce just crams his food into his face and shouts random nonsense during dinner. It’s one of my favorite times of day though. Justice always makes sure he’s home in time to eat with us. I never had family dinners growing up, but I love them so damn much.
‘Here,’ Justice says, holding the instruction booklet out to me. ‘Be careful so you don’t step on anything, baby girl.’
‘I’m fine,’ I murmur, brushing my hand through his hair. He’s always so worried about me, especially when I’m pregnant. I think he’d wrap me in bubble wrap and keep me there if it were up to him. He gets a little crazy sometimes, but I don’t let him get away with it.
I feel like I live in a dreamworld sometimes. Our life is so full in ways I never expected. Between Justice, our boys, and our friends and family, I don’t have time to regret that my father isn’t part of our lives. I have so many amazing people in my life who love me.
For a long time, the way I was raised messed with my head. I thought there was something wrong with me that made my father incapable of loving me. I know better now. My father is a sick man, and that’s not my fault. It’s not my burden to carry. It’s not my blame to shoulder.
I am loved. Justice makes sure I never, ever forget or doubt it. Not a day goes by without him telling me how much I mean to him and the boys or showing me how much they love me. He is the best daddy, not just to me but to our boys. There is nothing he wouldn’t do for us.
I can’t wait until our daughter gets here. I know he’s going to be such an amazing father to her. She’ll never go through what I did. Even if something were to happen to me, Justice would move heaven and earth to make sure our kids were loved and safe. They would know, every single day, that they have a daddy who would do anything for them.
I do too. The way he loves me… God, it’s beautiful. He understands me better than anyone, and I know him just as well. There is nothing we haven’t shared with one another over the years. I still push his buttons and fight him and drive him crazy…and he wouldn’t have me any other way.
When we’re alone together, I’m still his brat. He’s still my wicked daddy. There isn’t much we haven’t done together. He knows my darkest fantasies and I know his. I trust him implicitly. No matter how dirty we get, I never feel shame. Neither does he. We were made for one another. He’s so soft and sweet when I’m pregnant. It makes me look forward to having the baby even more. I know as soon as I’m healed, he’ll be all over me again, finding new ways to punish and please and wreck me.
‘Um, Justice,’ I say, fighting a laugh as I look at the instructions. ‘Do you see a bolt labeled eight?’
He shifts the hardware around until he finds the one I asked him for. It fits perfectly.
‘What the fuck?’
‘What the fuck?’ Shep says at the same time.
‘This isn’t an S,’ I say. ‘It’s an eight.’
‘Let me see that,’ Shep demands, holding out a hand.
I pass the instructions over to him.
‘Son of a bitch,’ Justice mutters, squinting at the sheet over Shep’s shoulder. ‘It still looks like a fucking S to me.’
‘Me too.’
I laugh loudly.
They both turn to scowl at me like it’s my fault they can’t read instructions.
‘Maybe Ainsley and I should put it together,’ I tease. ‘At least we’re not old and blind.’
Justice narrows his eyes on me.
When Ainsley giggles, Shep gives her the exact same look.
‘I didn’t say anything!’ she protests, her body shaking with laughter.
‘I see you laughing, lamb,’ he mutters. He’s not mad though. I see the humor dancing in his eyes. He hops up and prowls toward her to kiss the smirk off her face.
‘You’re in so much trouble tonight, little girl,’ Justice growls at me. He grabs my ass while they’re occupied. ‘We’ll see who’s old when you’re bent over the bed, screaming for daddy.’
‘Daddy,’ I moan, instantly on board with whatever he’s going to do to me later.
He squeezes my ass and then runs his hand down my leg. ‘Go sit before your feet start swelling, pretty baby.’
‘Bossy.’
‘I’ll show you bossy tonight. Go sit.’
I roll my eyes at him and then turn to check on the kids. Julian and Scout have given up trying to cut through the old oak tree with their light sabers. They’re using rocks. Jayce and Raven have picked up the light sabers. Jayce is digging a hole with his. Raven is just holding hers.
She senses my eyes on her and turns to look at me.
‘Aunt Miwan.’
My heart melts. I head in her direction to see what she wants.
‘Mommy!’ Jayce yells when he notices me coming his way.
‘Hi, baby boy,’ I say, laughing. Jayce never talks quietly.
Raven drops her light saber and climbs to her feet, holding her little arms out to me. ‘Up,’ she demands, as sweet as ever.
‘Oh, you’re getting so big!’ I tell her, lifting her into my arms.
She pats me on the cheek with one dirt covered hand and then lays her head on my shoulder. ‘Unka Juses.’
‘You want to see Uncle Justice?’ I ask, trying to decipher her command.
She nods, making me smile. Raven and Jayce are the same age, but she is so much different than he is. She’s the sweetest little girl. She tells you what she wants and then waits for you to make it happen. I think she has a little crush on Justice. She always asks to go see him.
I carry her over to Justice and Shep. She wiggles for me to put her down once she’s by his side. He looks up at her and smiles. She smiles back and climbs into his lap, laying one of his arms over her torso.
‘Hi, sweetheart,’ he murmurs, tilting his head down to grin at her. ‘You want to help put together your playset?’
‘I watch,’ she answers, turning her little nose up at the prospect of doing any work.
He chuckles and shifts around so he can help Shep and hold her at the same time. I watch them for a long moment before reclaiming my seat by Ainsley.
‘He’s changed so much,’ Ainsley murmurs, her eyes on my husband and her daughter.
‘Yeah, he has,’ I agree quietly. His past no longer haunts him. His eyes are firmly focused on the future, on our future. I already know it’s going to be beautiful. He wouldn’t accept anything less for me, for our boys, or for Ainsley and her girls. And I wouldn’t accept anything less for him.
He told me once that his biggest wish was me. I was the one thing he wanted more than anything else. He has me now. He will always have me. And there will never be a day when I don’t love him just a little bit more than I did the day before. His past doesn’t define him. His heart does. And just like the rest of him, his heart is mine.
