I was frozen in place when Derek walked back inside the house. I wasn’t sure if I should try to make a run from him or confront him, but in the midst of trying to decide, I found something in me holding my feet in place. Something telling me to straighten my spine.
Derek held my gaze for a long moment, before that something in me that felt like a tiny fire pushed me to speak.
“He lied to me for many years. For a while I lied to myself to make swallowing his lies easier. I think it’s time you tell me what’s really going on.”
Derek looked at his feet with a nod. “Have you eaten?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Let’s get a coffee to go. I want to show you something.”
He poured two cups into travel mugs then helped me outside. My toes touched the soft grass of the lawn as sunlight grazed my cheeks.
He waved me forward, toward a greenhouse that was off to the side of the house. I took a sip of my coffee and followed with feet that were ready to bolt if I needed to.
“Who were you talking to? Before?”
Derek opened a panel to the greenhouse. “Lander. Levi’s younger brother. He’s currently in charge of the pack.”
I stepped inside to a paradise that felt like it was still in the full swing of summer, not the end of it. Three long columns of lush plants made up this haven. Fresh air rushed in and rustled the dainty wind chimes hanging near a set of navy wingback chairs on an oriental rug, a small bookcase and a record player nearby.
“Is he going to come for me?”
“Is that what you want?”
“Is he going to come for me?”
Derek shook his head. “They could, but considering how injured you are, he agreed it would be best to let you rest here. I figured . . . look, I don’t know the whole story, but from what you told me, I figured you’d want some privacy.” He paused before studying me carefully. “And if you go rogue when you turn, well, it will be easier to contain you out here. Try to help you.”
He eyes were kind, and pleading. I nodded to him. I didn’t want a bunch of people asking questions that even I wasn’t ready to ask myself.
“What exactly is going to happen to me?”
“Let’s start with the basics.” Derek stepped forward, gesturing to the chairs in the back. “Every full moon, you’ll take a step toward becoming a wolf. The last moon, you’ll shift completely,” he explained before stopping in front of the two ornate blue wingback chairs.
I took a seat in one and crossed my legs. Derek sat in its twin, then took a long sip of his coffee. “Each shift, you’ll notice physical changes. I can’t tell you how much. It varies for everyone. But I can tell you that for humans, it’s rare for them to make it to the end. It’s very strenuous, and takes a toll on the body that usually kills them.”
“How does it start?” I found myself whispering.
He leaned back in his seat. “A fever. It’s always a fever.
You’re going to feel like you’re burning up. Usually, for both humans and natural-born wolves, we try to keep ice on them or sit them in an ice bath.
“Bones will break, Charlotte. You’re going to have your limbs try to rearrange themselves to that of the wolf that is being born inside of you. I’ve seen humans die in awful shapes because they did not have either the physical or mental stamina to keep going. You have to more than want it. You have to believe you can do it with every fiber of your being and work with that inner wolf to help yourself make it.”
I cocked my head, watching him closely. He was holding back. I could sense it. This longing in him.
“Tell me.”
A long breath rolled out of his lips. He wiped a hand over his tired face. “How much did you hear this morning?”
“Enough.”
“Lander is concerned because you were bitten by a rogue wolf.” My heart sped up as dread seeped into my gut.
“Normally when humans shift, it’s because their wolf mate has done it, a friend—one case I saw was a man who turned because he paid another wolf to bite him. That was a long time ago. Never has it been from a rogue wolf. Never.”
“Are you saying I’m going to turn into one of them? A rogue wolf?”
Derek shrugged. “Personally, I don’t think so. Lander is always more cautious; he thinks there may be a good chance.
Levi isn’t sure.
“People in our world say that when she created the werewolf, the Moon Goddess stripped a man of half his soul so she could put that of a wolf into his body. The man, of course, was unstable. Losing half of himself made him mad.
The Moon Goddess recognized this flaw in her design and gifted the man with a mate. His other half was the complement to his soul, and would prevent the madness and fulfill him every day, just as he would fulfill her.
“The madness, the craze, is what we call ‘rogue’ in our world. It occurs when a wolf either loses something so essential that it breaks their soul—like a mate, a child, a pack—or if a wolf never finds their mate, their other half. You can’t exist with half a soul.”
My chest seized. I had just escaped one man with his iron fist around my soul; I was not about to give that up to just anyone.
“I don’t—I didn’t even want this! I wanted to—fuck! I wanted to start over. I want my life! I wanted away from my husband and now you’re saying that I’m going to lose my fucking mind if I don’t settle down with some asshole I don’t even know?!”
Derek held his hands up. “Not exactly. Listen, normally after you shift, you have a period of growth where you bond with your wolf. Typically, wolves join packs—the pack bonds help the wolf grow and prevent the madness.
“But eventually,” he said cautiously, “your wolf will crave its mate, and push you to look for them.”
I chugged down some of my coffee as my hands shook.
Anger filled me. Why was it that I could never seem to seize the reins of my own life?
“One thing at a time, okay?” he offered. “It doesn’t happen like that right away. For Levi, it was a while before his wolf pushed him to find his mate. A really long time, all right?”
I eyed him. “Levi has a mate?”
Derek’s eyes widened slightly. He cursed under his breath. “Had.” He sipped his coffee. “Don’t repeat that.
Please?”
I swallowed and nodded. “Shit.”
“Because you were bitten by rogue wolves. Normally, we wouldn’t have to think about it until much later, but—”
“There’s a chance I may go mad when I shift,” I said, finishing the sentence for him. I sat my coffee down and stood.
I paced back and forth. This was utter bullshit. Angry tears formed in my eyes.
I paused. “And what do you think?” I asked, hardly daring to look at him.
“I think that nothing is ever set in stone. I think that you’re stronger than you look. And I think that if you fight hard enough, you have a bloody good chance.”
I wiped the tears away and bit my lip. I could hear my mother’s voice in the back of my head. “Life is what you make it,” she used to say.
“And this council?”
“Probably best if they don’t know we have a human here who was bitten by a rogue,” Derek offered. “We don’t need another investigation,” he muttered under his breath.
“Another one?”
Derek groaned. “Your hearing must be getting better.
Damn wolves. It was a long time ago, and it’s Levi’s business.”
Meaning he would say no more about it. I started to pace again. “And why doesn’t he want anything to do with me?”
“Because he’s being a pain in the ass,” Derek grumbled, taking another sip of coffee. “But he is the only one in this pack who has helped humans shift. I could ask Lander, but Lander has never helped a human before. That, and we agreed that it’s safer out here in case, well, you know . . .
“Levi’s an asshole,” he offered, scooting forward in his chair. “He’s crude. Stubborn. Obstinate. But the man has helped humans. I’ve talked to him, but I think it would help if you did as well.”
“Fuck me,” I groaned to myself.
“He’s not the boogeyman,” Derek offered. “Talk to him.”
My feet froze. My heart picked up. Derek stood and stepped toward me. He put a hand on my shoulder. “Do you want to live?”
The words wouldn’t come out of my mouth but I man-aged a shaky nod of my head.
“Then do it.”
• • •
That night I was hot again. When I woke, my hair was sticking to my face and my shirt clung to my skin. Vibrations rolled off my heaving chest. They reverberated angrily while this strange noise clawed from my throat. The bed shook under me, like a quiver of fear.
I jolted up with a gasp. I clutched my neck before moving my hand over my mouth. A sickening chill rolled down my back.
Levi was sitting in the corner chair in my room. There was a bottle of Jack Daniel’s on the end table next to him and a revolver in his hand. His eyes glowed bright, like two moons staring at me through the darkness.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded.
He didn’t say a word. He simply cocked his head as if he was half expecting me to jump out of my bed like a spider monkey.
“Are you going to kill me?”
“Do you want me to?” his gravelly voice replied.
I found myself at a loss of words. I knew he would kill me if I said yes. I knew I should say no, but something made me hesitate.
“No,” I answered firmly.
He leaned back in his chair, eyes watching me carefully.
“The answer is no.”
“I know about the rogues,” I found myself saying. He stilled in his seat. “And I know about the law.”
His amused laughter cut me off. He took a sip of whiskey. “You think I give a shit about the laws?”
“But Derek—”
“Didn’t explain the law properly.”
My heart plummeted. He took another sip then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “The law says that we are both free agents right now. We are not bound to you until after the first full moon. If a human makes it through their first full, then you’re stuck with them. Until then, it goes both ways. You can choose to die or the werewolf party can choose to turn you over to the pack, who will have to handle your ass. And that’s your werewolf lesson for the day.”
“But your brother agreed that it was best that I stayed out here,” I countered.
He cocked his head, his fingers teasing the cylinder of the revolver.
I paused and let out a long breath. “Look, I need you. If Derek is right, you’re the only one who can help me.”
Levi rolled his eyes. “Why should I? Plenty have worked harder than your melodramatic ass. Moping around here like you’re in some movie and feeling bad for yourself. Plenty of people have busted their asses trying and died.”
“Well, excuse me if I’ve been trying—”
“Jesus Christ, girl.” He rolled his eyes then took another swig from the bottle. “Life is hard. Get over it. Excuses aren’t going to help you now.”
“You piece of—”
“Shit?” He nodded with a dark chuckle. “I am a piece of shit, but I’m not wrong.”
“I’m not dead yet, and I’m not going to die.”
“You sure about that?” he said with a smirk. But it wasn’t really a question.
Anger grew deep in my belly. I wanted to scream. Or spit.
But I couldn’t overreact. It was only painful when I did that.
“I mean”—he half laughed—“do you even want to live?”
“What kind of a question is—”
“An easy one. Answer it.”
It was an easy question. It should have been easy to answer, but it wasn’t. The words were hung up in my teeth.
“Yes.” It sounded awkward coming out of my mouth.
“Why?”
“Because . . .” Something bubbled in me. A small fire sparking to life. “Because—it’s my life! It’s my goddamned life and I want it back! I want it back, and I want to make my own choices again! And you don’t get to take that away from me, you fucking asshole!”
He watched me for a moment, then took another drink.
I wasn’t actually sure if my rant had done anything but humor him for a moment before he would let the revolver end me. All I could do was hold my breath and stare at the gun.
I didn’t want to die. I wasn’t sure of much anymore, but I was sure of that. I hadn’t made it this far to have it end so quickly.
“How about this? You make it through your first full moon, and I’ll help your sorry ass.”
“You’re serious?”
“As a heart attack.”
I couldn’t let him scare me. It was the only way to save my life, and I wasn’t going to let him bully me out of it.
“Deal.”
“Now,” he said. “First order of business, who is going to look for you?”
“No one.”
“Bul shit.” He let out a long huff then leaned forward in the chair. “Husband isn’t going to come after you?”
“He wasn’t my husband. He may try,” I admitted. “He won’t find me. He has no idea.”
“No idea?”
I shook my head. “No idea at all. He—he would never picture me as someone who would do this.”
“This?”
“Get lost in the wilderness. I think he’ll figure I would stay closer to home. But I don’t know. He could.”
“He has no idea where you were going?”
I shook my head. “No. No idea.”
Levi nodded, eyes watching the bottle for a long moment before he said, “We’ll play that one by ear. He will probably look for you, but whether he makes it all the way up here . . .” He paused and took another swig. “We’ll see.
What about family?”
I shook my head. “No.” I had an uncle but I hadn’t spoken to him in years. He hated Nate. I chose Nate over him.
Just like I chose Nate over everything that used to be mine.
“But?”
I leaned against the headboard. “My friend. She’s why I’m here. She was our maid. Her brother has a cabin out here that I was trying to find. She gave me the key and told me to run, hide out until I figured everything out.”
“People cannot know about us.”
“I understand—”
“No.” His jaw clenched. “They cannot know. Ever. You call her tomorrow and cover your ass.”
I bit my lip and nodded.
“So you’ve helped humans?”
“Three. To be exact,” he answered, eyes watching me carefully.
I nodded and found myself looking at the moon outside.
“How did that go? How—did they make it?”
“Plenty of humans have tried, and many don’t make it.
Usually one of the earlier moon-shifts gets them.” Levi took another drink from the bottle. “Of the ones I helped, two did. One didn’t. They all had been bitten by their mates.”
I turned back and caught his gaze, which seemed to have softened slightly. He sighed and leaned back in his chair.
“The first time, I reached out to Derek’s sire, the vampire who made him, and asked for help. No packs around here had anything like that happen before. But I had a young wolf who went off to the mainland and met a girl, and well, next thing you know I’ve got a frantic kid and his mate on my doorstep.”
He leaned an elbow on the armrest of the chair. “Derek’s sire, Leo, had given me some advice, but it wasn’t helpful.
There wasn’t any magic we could use, no potion, herb, modern medicine, or anything to make the shift bearable.”
“What about painkillers?” I asked.
“Well, you would think it would be a good idea, but a few ibuprofen won’t do much when your fingers are breaking one by one. Anything heavier makes your mind loopy, and you need your mind to be thinking clearly,” he added.
My eyes flickered down to my own fingers. The splotches of fake tanner were almost gone, but they still clung to my hands. I curled them into the sheets while my heart started to flutter in my chest.
Levi took another sip from the bottle then offered it to me. I shook my head. He shrugged and took one more drink then set the bottle on the end table next to the gun.
“The first time—the first time is hell for everyone.
Normal wolves, natural-born wolves, are built for this. Our DNA is hardwired for this. It’s long and painful, but for the most part as long as you’re healthy, you do just fine. I’ve seen some wolves die from it, but it’s pretty rare. Usually they’re too weak—sick.
“I never heard screams like that in my life. I won’t ever forget them. I ordered the pack to stay away, because I wasn’t really sure what was going to happen and, just in case something bad happened, I figured they’d want their privacy.
“And damn, it was such a long night. Normal wolves take between four to six hours on average. This took ten.
And I thought she was dead a few times. I was convinced.
But she pushed through. We just kept helping her as much as we could. Kept giving her water, icing her down—her mate held her the whole time.”
“What happened to her?”
“They stayed here for a while then moved mainland.
They both wanted to travel. I haven’t heard from them in a while.”
“And the other two?”
“Same story as the first. One was from another pack—
Talia’s. They’re south of us, but Talia had no idea what to do, so I went down and left Lander here. This time it was a male.
Thought he wouldn’t make it, either, but he was a stubborn man. Really stubborn,” he said with almost a smile on his lips. “Made it. Took around eight hours. I think part of him was irritated at the thought of missing the football game the next day. I think at one point he said, Any way we can wrap this up faster? ” Levi added with a breathy laugh.
I wanted to laugh with him, but instead, I held back. He looked back at me as his eyes started to glow a little brighter.
“He’s moved onto the mainland with his mate too. I can see if we can get in touch.”
“And the last one?” I found myself asking.
He let out a long breath. “She was a spitfire. She seemed so strong. I remember telling Lander I thought she’d be okay.”
He paused and shook his head. “She had handled everything full up until then so well. Like a cakewalk.”
He reached for the bottle and took a long sip. “She didn’t even make it four hours. She died in a position that rendered her unrecognizable. It came so fast—the wolf did—and she just—I kept telling her to go slow. There wasn’t a reason to rush, we had all night. But that wolf came fast and hard and she . . .” He paused again to look at me. “We cremated her and told her family on the mainland she was in a car accident so no one would ask why they were getting ashes back instead of a body.”
My throat felt like it was going to col apse. I swallowed back the tears as my fingers gripped the blankets under me.
“And her mate?”
“Lost his fucking mind,” Levi said quietly. “We tried—”
He shook his head and leaned back in his seat, looking at the moon. “Threw himself off a cliff in the middle of the night.”
My hand went over my mouth. I blinked back the tears as something boiled in me. I wiped my tears away, unable to look back at him.
“Each moon, you take a step. This beast in you is going to try to come closer. Your body is going to change and stage itself to be ready for the final shift. But like I said, plenty of humans around the world never make it that far. The ones I helped were fucking lucky.”
“But if I make it through this first moon, you’ll help me?” He cocked a brow with a snort. “That’s our deal, right?”
“They all had good reasons to fight. You understand that, right?”
Something felt like it was going to vibrate out of my chest. I felt my own jaw aching to snap at him, the foreign feeling causing the breath in my throat to catch.
Levi tilted his head. I blinked, sighing heavily, before looking back at him. “Their reason was a good reason,” I acknowledged. “And no, I don’t have a mate—frankly, I don’t want another fucking asshole attached to me. I had one of those long enough.” I shook my head as anger pulsed through me. “I want my life. My life. Me. Isn’t that enough?”
“You tell me,” he answered, as he reached for the bottle.
I sat back quietly while he stood up slowly then tucked the revolver into the back of his pants. “Deal’s a deal,” he answered before walking to the door. “It’s not so fun, is it?”
“What?”
“Finding out the monsters in the fairy tales are real,” he said, lingering for a moment at the doorframe for my answer.
I closed my mouth. Our monsters were very different.
Because for me, the moment he left me back in the darkness, the monster I ran from would be chasing me in my dreams.
