No. This isn’t true.
My ears start ringing, my pulse accelerates.
This is only a cruel nightmare, and I’m going to wake up any moment now. I’m sure of it.
A beat passes. Then another, and the bitter realization hits.
This isn’t some kind of sick joke, as much as I wish it would be.
I can’t even manage to repeat the words in my head. My beautiful sunshine…
“I…” She opens and closes her mouth several times, unable to get the words out. I know that feeling all too well right now. “Not a lot of people know. Only my best friend—Emily—, Aaron, and my fathers.”
I can’t even begin to unpack what it means for us that she trusts me enough to tell me. That she trusts me enough to spend time with me, alone with me, in my apartment, letting me wrap my arms around her. What it really means for her to get that tattoo.
“It happened at a party the summer before I came here. He was a guy in my class. We weren’t friends, but I knew him. I thought he was cute, and…” She lets out a quivery breath. “He made a move on me that night. We kissed, and then he touched me under my skirt although I said no. He kept going further, his fingers…” She pauses, takes a deep breath, and continues. “He was very strong, but I managed to push him away and ran for my life.”
My hands start shaking, and before I know it, she’s wrapped her small fingers around mine, holding me steady as if I were the one in need of comfort and not her, who has just relived the worst day of her life only to share it with me.
“Cal.” Her soft voice is beckoning. Looking down at her and seeing unshed tears in those beautiful eyes ends me. “I’m okay now, I promise.”
My hand twitches in hers, begging me to wipe those tears away and pull her closer, a gesture that felt natural just until a few minutes ago. Now, I only feel nauseous at myself for having the urge to touch her when she’s just confessed to the most horrible thing that has happened to her.
But because she’s Grace and those assertive eyes always manage to strip my soul bare, she places one of my hands on her cheek and leaves it there. “I’m okay,” she whispers with such fierceness it startles me. “What happened to me doesn’t define me, and the last thing I want is to be coddled because of it.”
The contrast between my tattooed knuckles and her pristine pale skin sends my mind into overdrive. Her words make sense, and yet…
I pull my hand away and hurt flashes in her eyes. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” I whisper, my voice coming out rough, throaty and wrong.
“You don’t,” she reassures me, but I still can’t process any of it. When seconds pass and I’m still unable to speak, her gaze hardens, and I feel her slipping away between the invisible fingers holding her close in the way my real ones are aching to. “You’re treating me differently.”
It’s the cold disappointment in her voice that snaps me out of this trance. Sobering up, I fight against all my instincts to give her space and cup her cheeks, keeping her close like her eyes are asking me to.
When the tears start to fall, I wipe them away as gently as I can with the pad of my thumbs. “Sunshine.” Swallowing, I try to remind my brain that this is the same Grace we’ve held in our arms before, the same Grace who teases us and feels safe around us.
She shuts her eyes in an effort to keep the tears from falling. It doesn’t work. “If I didn’t tell you before, it’s because I didn’t want you to see me like a helpless victim. I didn’t want you to pity me,” she says, and my heart shatters a little more. “That’s why I don’t tell many people. I can’t stand… I’ve never blamed myself for what happened to me. I’m not made of glass. I’m not going to break any moment if I’m not handled carefully. I’m a survivor, yes, but I’m also much more than that.”
I find myself nodding at her words, my hands shaking while they hold her face. “You’re strong, sunshine. You’ve got fire in you. I knew it the second I met you,” I tell her, because I need her to know how I see her. And I should’ve told her before. She deserves to know how fucking amazing she is every single day, and I vow right here right now to always make sure she remembers it for as long as I keep breathing.
She opens her puffy red eyes again, and the mere sight is enough to make me want to cry with her. “Promise me nothing will change between us.” She swallows thickly. “Promise me you won’t treat me differently.”
I lean my forehead against hers and shut my eyes. “I won’t treat you differently, Grace. I promise.” She releases a relieved breath at my words, but I’m not finished. “It breaks my fucking heart. I’m torn between crying with you and killing the fucker who did that to you with my bare hands. I can’t stand the thought of you being hurt. Your tears are killing me, and all I want is to make you feel like the amazing, strong woman that you are.”
“You already make me feel like that,” she whispers, her breath caressing my lips. “Being with you feels right, Cal. Being your friend feels right. I don’t want our connection to change.”
Her words shake me again, but this time a whole different feeling settles in.
Being with you feels right. Yes, it fucking does.
There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do to see Grace’s happiness shine through.
I ache to get on my knees for her and promise her she’ll be forever safe with me, as friends or as…
No. I shouldn’t even be thinking about this during such a vulnerable moment. Whatever might be starting to bloom inside my heart will have to remain hidden until I can root it out for good.
“I promise you, Grace. I’ll always be your friend.” Above anything else. Of that, I’m sure. “No matter what, I’m here.”
“And I’m here for you, Cal.”
“I know.” My thumbs wipe the remaining of her tears, and her lips curve into a small smile that steals my breath and my sanity. “There you go. There’s my Gracie.”
Her smile only widens, and I can’t help but mimic it. “And there’s my Sammy,” she whispers.
That’s right.
Forever and always, whatever life throws at us, we are here. Together.
