“No, no, no. This can’t be happening.”
I pace my empty dorm room back and forth, silently and then not so silently cursing the fuckery I’ve read fifteen times already on my phone just to make sure it’s real. Because I can’t believe this.
And still in disbelief and with my heart pounding so fast I fear it might explode, I send a screenshot to the group chat I share with my fathers. Not even a minute later, my phone rings with a video call.
“I’m freaking out,” I say as a way of greeting.
Dad is holding the phone, a stern grimace on his face while Daddy puts on his glasses before coming to stand behind him. “Okay, sweetheart. Breathe in, breathe out,” Daddy instructs. I do as he says. “Now we can talk.”
“Did you guys see what I sent you?” I try to wipe the anxiety off my face with my sweaty palm, but it doesn’t work.
“We saw,” Dad confirms. “It was to be expected, Grace. Snowstorms are not uncommon at this time of the year, and right now the weather is awful.”
“My flight is canceled, Dad, with no rescheduling. What am I supposed to do now?” Because the thought of not seeing my family for the holidays is leaving me freaking breathless, and not in a good way.
Aaron left for Toronto the morning of my ballet recital, already expecting that the weather would only get worse as the days passed, but I couldn’t fly out with him for obvious reasons. And now I’m stuck in Warlington, alone for the second Christmas in a row, with not even my cousin to make it better.
“I wouldn’t want you to fly in this weather anyway, Grace,” Dad says in his usual serious tone that I’ve officially branded as his ‘lawyer’ voice. “Snowstorms aren’t a joke, and it looks like this one will last until Christmas Day.”
My hopes skyrocket. “I can fly out that day, then. It wouldn’t be ideal, but…”
“Listen to us, sweetie.” Daddy takes the phone from Dad and sits on the couch. “Christmas Eve is tomorrow, and I don’t think this storm is going anywhere. We thought of driving down there and spending the holidays together even if it’s in some hotel room, but the roads aren’t safe enough either. Aaron is here already, but are you sure none of your friends are staying at Warlington too? I’m sure they’ll have no issue accommodating you for the holidays. We can still see each other at New Year’s, eh?”
I nod, but the sadness doesn’t fade away. “My friends went home days ago, and…”
I freeze. How have I not thought of him before?
Dad frowns. “And…?”
But I can’t ask him for this. Sure, we are together, but… Isn’t it too soon to spend Christmas together? With his family, no less? Because with Maddie in the picture, he’s spending the holidays with them even if the tension is bound to kill him.
“Grace.”
I blink. “Sorry. I was just thinking… There’s a friend staying here for Christmas, I think.”
“That’s good.” Daddy’s face relaxes at that. “Do we know her?”
I bite my lip. “Um, no. You don’t know… him.”
Silence falls over the three of us like a thick blanket. My dads have never been the overprotective, overbearing type, but they also know I haven’t had a male friend in… Well, ever. The shock is understandable.
Daddy speaks first. “If this isn’t a surprise,” he mutters, but he doesn’t sound angry. “Well, please, do tell us about this young man. Is he in your class?”
“Um, no. He’s thirty, and… Yeah, we’re friends.” I’m not about to break the news that I have a boyfriend over a video call. “His name is Cal, and he’s from Warlington. I met him when I went to the tattoo place all those months ago. He owns the shop, actually, and he’s also Aaron’s friend.”
“Interesting,” Daddy muses, narrowing his wise eyes like he can see right through the truth I’m veiling. “And he’s a good friend to you?”
“The best,” I blurt out, making Dad’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Clearing my throat, I add, “I told him about the assault. He’s… He’s a great person.”
“You saying Aaron knows this Cal guy?” Dad asks.
I nod. “They’re friends.”
“Good. Well, if you’re such great friends I’m sure you can spend Christmas Day with him,” Daddy says, but there isn’t a hint of bitterness in his tone, only surprise. “As I said, you can still fly out for New Year’s and stay here a few days. We really want to see you, sweetie.”
My features soften. “I really want to see you both too. So much.”
I go on to tell them about my book, and they beam with happiness at my progress. The topic of Cal isn’t brought up again, but it’s obvious they would conduct a full-on interrogation about him if they could. While I don’t blame them for their curiosity, I can’t help but feel relieved that they don’t ask me about him again.
I’m not ashamed of our relationship, nor do I intend to keep it a secret from my family. It’s just that I’ve never had a boyfriend before, and this is a huge step for me and my healing. Telling my parents and Aaron will happen, hopefully soon, but now I have other more pressing matters to worry about.
Namely, asking Cal to spend the holidays with him and his family.
***
Cal says yes immediately and encourages me to ‘move in’ to his apartment for the holidays so I’m not alone at the dorms. I say yes immediately, too. Duh.
As we get ready to leave for her mother’s house on Christmas Eve, though, he warns me, “It’s probably gonna get really awkward.”
“I don’t care,” I reassure him. Walking up to him, I peel his fingers from the small buttons of his white shirt so I can do them for him. He looks hot as sin dressed in such formal clothes that I struggle to breathe normally. “I only care about Maddie and you.”
His shoulders still don’t relax. “Pete is an asshole.”
“I don’t care.”
But because apparently Cal enjoys self-flagellation a little too much, he adds, “I might behave like an asshole.”
I finish up the last button of his shirt, which barely fits his wide shoulders and large biceps, and I adjust the collar just to keep my hands busy. “Why?”
He smooths his big hands along the silky fabric of my night blue dress and settles them on my hips. “Pete gets on my fucking nerves,” he growls. “I wish we could celebrate Christmas together, just the three of us, away from all the drama.”
My heart swells at the fact that he always includes me in his plans, those involving Maddie as well. It’s such a contrast to the Cal who was terrified of having me in his life for the fear of being unfair in his feelings for me when he has Maddie to worry about.
“I understand how you’re feeling,” I tell him softly, my fingers playing with the short strands of his hair. “But try to keep it together tonight, yeah? For Maddie.”
“If I’m doing this in the first place, it’s for her.” He shuts his eyes and presses his forehead against mine. “I know you wanted to go home for the holidays, but I’m so fucking happy you’re here with me, sunshine. I need you.”
“I need you, too.” Our lips meet in a brief, soft kiss. “Although our plans for New Year’s might have to be postponed.”
“Don’t care. All that matters is that you’re here, and we have now.” He presses a soft kiss on my lips, so tender it leaves my knees shaking. When he pulls away, there’s a new resolve in his eyes, “Come on. Let’s get this over with.”
***
I’ve always prided myself on being an understanding, non-judgmental woman. Knowing better than most that there’s always more than what meets the surface, my brain automatically tries to push past those initial barriers and see what might be living underneath the harsh exterior.
I can’t do that with Pete Stevenson.
Because I can’t, for the life of me, stand this sorry excuse of a human.
Cal is a reasonable, laid-back man and he wouldn’t make a fuss if the situation didn’t call for it, but shit. I understand him now, and I wish I didn’t.
Because seeing a man, a father, ignore his daughter so blatantly is a sight I never want to see again.
I know I’m privileged in the sense that I grew up in a fully functional family, surrounded by love and laughter and yes, financial stability. I get that. And while being the adopted child of gay parents wasn’t always a walk in the park—bullies have mercy on no one—I would rather take the hatred of some insecure kid at school than my own father not giving a shit about me.
To be fair, Cal’s mother isn’t half as bad as I thought she would be. She gave me a genuine smile and a hug when he introduced me as his girlfriend, and when recognition dawned on her she asked me if we’d met before. I told her I was Maddie’s ballet teacher, and we must have seen each other at TDP. Even though she flinched just barely because she rarely picks up Maddie anymore and I bet she feels at least a little guilty about it, she proceeded to ask me about my work there. The woman might have her issues, but she seems pleasant enough.
She went the extra mile with Christmas dinner too, which Cal himself seemed taken aback by. Stuffed turkey with gravy, mashed potatoes and roasted vegetables were already adorning the table by the time we sat down. On top of each of our empty plates, and because my heart was meant to hurt that night, there was a beautiful drawing made by none other than Maddie herself.
“She’s been on a drawing frenzy lately,” Cal’s mom, Larissa, commented with an almost rueful smile as she picked up her own picture.
“This is so pretty and thoughtful, Maddie. Thank you.” I pressed a small kiss on top of her head when she came by my side to explain her drawing to me. There were two figures, one small with dark hair and the other taller with a blonde bun, dancing ballet on a stage. We both had crowns on our heads.
“Because we are princess-ballerinas,” she explained. It took all my willpower and then some not to start crying right there.
Then she moved on to her brother, climbing onto his lap and stealing the drawing from his hands. “This is you.” She pointed at the tallest stick figure. “And this is me, and this is Grace, and we are in your new house with a pretty garden with flowers.”
Larissa gasped. “You’re moving in together?”
“No,” Cal said quickly, and for some reason my stupid stomach sank at that. It is true, though, we aren’t moving in together any time soon and haven’t even discussed it. Still, I felt a tang of disappointment coating my tongue. “This little one here just has a very vivid imagination. Don’t you, munchkin?”
Maddie nodded and pressed her back to Cal’s chest like a silkworm on its cocoon, safe and warm. “Will you buy a house like this after you have a wedding, Sammy?”
We looked at each other, briefly, but enough for something charged to pass between us. His eyes twinkled and he said, “Of course, Mads. And you’ll be invited to stay over any time you want.”
That was the last heartwarming, happy moment of our dinner.
Now, with the turkey and the cheesecake for dessert long gone, I fight the anger boiling up in my stomach as I watch the most infuriating and equally heartbreaking scene unfold before my very eyes.
Pete has long abandoned the dining table for the couch after having barely engaged in conversation with any of us at all. He grunted a ‘Hello’ when Cal introduced us and that was the last and only thing he said to me. Not that I have a problem with it, to be honest.
He is balding, has a perpetual scowl on his face, and hunched over the table during dinner as if he were avoiding eye contact with everyone. He’s tall, but not as tall as Cal, and lacks all the muscle and strong build his stepson has. However, Pete’s objectively unappealing looks are the least of his problems.
Maddie—my sweet, innocent Maddie—has ditched us too and is now climbing onto the couch next to her dad, whose eyes never leave the TV. Not once. He doesn’t acknowledge her as she cuddles her little body against him, splaying her arm across his stomach and snuggling closer to his chest. She tells him something, but I can’t hear her over the sound of whatever show Pete is watching.
He doesn’t reply.
Over to my right, both of Cal’s hands are curled into tight fists under the table, tension radiating off his huge body, and I know he’s watching them. Larissa isn’t.
Cal’s mother is nursing a glass of some kind of strong alcohol, judging by the pungent smell of it, and she’s not drunk but she isn’t sober either. I know that’s making Cal angry too, even if his attention is somewhere else for the time being.
Several minutes pass by, and if it weren’t because I can see Pete’s wide-open eyes, I would’ve thought he was asleep. Why else would a father ignore his own daughter?
I’ve just grabbed Cal’s hand in mine, my thumb caressing his rough skin in soothing circles, when hell breaks loose.
“For fuck’s sake, Maddie! Can’t you keep quiet for a goddamn second?” Pete roars, startling her. Maddie falls back on the couch, and before I can fully understand what’s going on, the beast strikes.
Cal is on Pete in seconds. I didn’t even feel his hand leaving mine.
He holds the smaller man by the collar of his shirt, pressing their foreheads together in an intimate gesture that screams violence. “Say that again,” my boyfriend growls, baring his teeth like a rabid animal. “I fucking dare you, you worthless piece of shit.”
Long gone is the man with a calming aura, always unbothered and level-headed, and I can’t bring myself to care. I’m not scared of this new, violent side of Cal.
But I have to think of Maddie.
His mom jumps into action, almost knocking her glass over as she stands to pull the two men away from each other. “Samuel, let him go,” she orders. Cal doesn’t.
“Listen to me, motherfucker,” he spits into Pete’s still too-close face. It’s like the whole room, the whole world, vanishes for him and only anger remains. “You talk to my sister like that one more time, I’m gonna make sure you don’t utter a single word again. You know why? ‘Cause I’ll tear your tongue right out of your fucking mouth.”
I don’t know what it says about me that the violence pouring off of him is turning me on so freaking much right now.
I push all that away, though, when I notice Maddie on the opposite end of the couch, eyes wide with hurt and confusion. I don’t think twice before rushing out to her and cradling her in my arms. “Hey, Maddie,” I whisper softly into her ear. “You haven’t shown me your room in this house yet. Would you like to give me a tour?”
She nods, still unsure, but it’s enough. Cal’s mother gives me half panicked, half grateful look before I disappear down the hall with her daughter.
Once in her bedroom, which isn’t as nice as the one in Cal’s apartment but it’s still super cute, she proceeds to show me all her favorite toys one by one. We’re on the tenth one, a mermaid doll with a glittery tail, and I can still hear their muffled voices in the living room.
I got it when he first explained it to me, but I see it even clearer now—why Cal is so disgusted by Pete, why he thinks Maddie would be better off with him, why that could still be a harmful choice to her. She’s a kid, seemingly oblivious to the tension and the neglect, and to strip her off everything she’s ever known… Her routine, her home, her parents…
Cal may be afraid that all this family drama might push me away, but it does the opposite. If anything, all I feel in this moment is an even stronger resolve to help as much as I can.
“My daddy isn’t very nice,” Maddie blurts out of nowhere, and I know she can hear their voices too.
Fear grips my heart and refuses to let go. Luckily, I’ve spent enough time around kids to know how to navigate their minds and make them talk without being too obvious of my intentions. “Why do you say that?”
She shrugs. I wait, but when she says nothing else, I ask, “Is he mean to you?”
“Sometimes,” she mutters, grabbing a plastic comb and passing it through one of her dolls’ tangled mane. “I don’t think he likes me very much.”
Now my heart isn’t only fearful—it’s weeping.
“Maddie,” I start, my voice only a little louder than a whisper. “Has your daddy ever… Has he ever hit you?”
A beat of heavy silence passes. Then, “No. But he says mean things.”
I breathe a little easier. “Can you give me an example?”
She shrugs again, and I know it pains her to say it as much as it hurts me to hear it. “He says I talk too much, and I move too much.”
“Move?”
“Yes, because I like dancing in the house, and he says I don’t let him watch TV and that I’m annoying.”
If Cal hadn’t already threatened to slaughter him, I would. But my rage won’t do us any good now, so instead I grab her little hand and make her sit in front of me. “Maddie, sweetie, listen to me,” I start softly, a reassuring smile on my face even if happiness is the very last thing I feel right now. “You’re the best little dancer I know, and I want you to always remember that, okay? You’re so good, Maddie. The best. Dancing makes you happy, doesn’t it?”
She nods and lowers her gaze to the ground, but not quickly enough that I don’t see that first tear roll down her cheek. “Promise me something. Promise me that you’ll always keep dancing as long as it makes you happy. That you’ll always do what makes you happy no matter what other people think about it. Can you promise me that, sweetheart?”
She nods. “I promise.”
“Can I give you a big bear hug?” I ask, and she instantly launches herself at my arms as an answer.
Tears dwell at the back of my eyes, and I’m done fighting them. Careful not to let her see my face, I let them fall.
In silence, I cry for the little girl who deserves so much more than what life has given her this far. I vow then and there to always look after her, to keep her happiness and her dreams intact, and help her bloom just like I’m learning to do myself.
I vow to keep the monsters at bay even in the darkest corner of her heart.
There’s a knock at the door, and I quickly wipe away my tears as Maddie pulls away. Cal’s deep, strained voice fills the room as second later, “Hey. Everything all right?”
“Yes.” I don’t even sound convincing. I turn around just as Cal picks his sister up. “You?”
“It’s sorted.” He doesn’t elaborate, but I trust him with whatever he’s done. He turns to Maddie, “Come on, princess. Time for bed. Santa is coming in the morning, remember?”
Her little face lights up at that. “Yes! Santa! I asked him for a big dollhouse this year.”
“I know you did.” He kisses her nose. “Let’s get changed into your pajamas. Grace and I will tuck you in, yeah?”
I walk out of the room with Cal as Maddie gets changed. Wrapping my arms around myself, suddenly cold, I say, “Please, tell me you didn’t do something illegal.”
He chuckles. “I wanted to, but no. Don’t worry, he left.”
“Left?”
“He does that sometimes. Storms off when he’s pissed.” He sighs and wraps an arm around my shoulders to keep me close. “I can come back tomorrow alone; you don’t have to tag along.”
“Absolutely not, Cal. I want to see Maddie, you know this.” I frown up at him, suddenly worried. “Aren’t you afraid Pete will come back and…?”
“No,” his voice is so sharp it could cut glass. “He won’t do shit. All bark and no bite. He’s done this before.”
“Okay.” I swallow and brace myself for what I have to say next. “I talked to Maddie. She said… She said Pete is mean to her sometimes, and I asked her if he’s ever hit her, but she said no.”
Cal gulps and pulls me closer. “Thank you for watching out for her, sunshine.”
“You know I love her, Cal. I’d do anything for her.”
I feel his arm stiffening around my body, and I wonder if I’ve said the wrong thing.
“You… love her?”
I extract myself from his embrace only so I can properly look at him. There’s not a single doubt in my mind, no fear in my heart, as I say the words I’ve been dying to confess.
“Yes, Cal. I love Maddie, and I love you. More than anything in this world.” I swallow past the lump in my throat. “This may not be the ideal moment or place to tell you, but—”
His breath hitches just before he captures my lips in his, kissing the words right out of me. I feel the calming weight of his hands on my cheeks, and little by little my heart starts healing again. When he pulls away, he’s looking at me with bare adoration.
“I love you, sunshine. My heart has loved you since the moment it recognized yours, so akin to mine, so beautiful and selfless. I want to cherish it forever, keep it safe between my hands.”
And just right there, in the dark hallway of Cal’s childhood home, the sun reaches my growing soul and makes it bloom into a tiny, delicate bud.
“I love you. Forever and always,” he whispers before kissing me again.
The bud inside my chest opens, and opens, and opens—
“Ewww. Stop kissing!” a little voice whines behind us, and when we pull away to see Maddie glaring at us with her arms crossed, we both start laughing.
A small trace of light in the darkness.
A happy moment I would’ve cherished only a tiny bit more if I had known everything would be taken away from me only a few weeks later.
