The next morning I woke late and found that it was already lunchtime. Raife was in the private dining room when I entered, looking at some maps.
“Morning,” he said in greeting. “Natasia is doing much better with an emotional healing but is still on watch, and your aunt’s mass has shrunk about half the size. She’s resting in the infirmary for the next two days just as a precaution. She will be very sleepy.”
He’d already done it? I’d wanted to be there, but I suppose time was of the essence. She could have another seizure, and then we would be in trouble with more damage.
“Thank you,” I told him.
He nodded, chewing at his lip, and I knew he was dealing with a lot this morning as king.
“Did Nightfall retaliate?” I asked.
He rubbed his face. “Not yet. I was told their scent dogs found the gap in the fence and then they left.”
We hadn’t talked about the machine yet, the one that could strip us of our power. It felt too dark to speak out loud, but I knew we had to.
“Raife. That machine… you have to stop her.” Emotion clogged my throat when I thought of Natasia in the infirmary on twenty-four-hour watch because that machine had taken everything from her. Magic was what made up a magical creature’s essence. Now that I had this ability to be empathic, or breathe the Breath of Life into someone, I couldn’t imagine it being taken away.
“I know,” he said, his voice sounding hollow as if he was warring with something. “I need to go get word to Drae about this machine. His people cannot live without their magic, but I don’t trust a messenger. It would cause panic across the entire realm.”
I nodded and Raife shook his head. “But I also need to stay and prepare for a possible retaliation. Those arrows I left in the men are elvin-made. The queen will know it was someone from Archmere who assassinated her scientists.”
“So what?” I growled, and Raife appeared shocked at my sudden anger, his eyes going wide. “Let that evil witch try to retaliate.”
Raife looked approvingly over at me. “My queen, I admire your willingness to go to war with Zaphira, but if she were to attack in full force without me here, it would end in disaster.”
“If you don’t get word to Drae, then she could use that machine on the people of Embergate and kill them. The dragon king would be wholly unprepared.”
He leaned forward and placed his face in his hands. I abandoned my lunch and dragged my chair closer to him. When I sat next to him, he looked up at me and I saw all of the responsibility of a king warring in his eyes.
“If you can get Drae to go to Thorngate and tell Lucien of this machine, you might be able to unite all of the races against her. I know how things work in Nightfall, Raife. She’ll put all of her engineers into an assembly line, reproducing that one machine, and by month’s end she will have a hundred of them. By years end, a thousand.”
He audibly choked at my words and I nodded.
“So go. Go get Drae, and if anything happens while you’re gone, the council and I can handle it.”
His eyes burned into mine as if assessing my ability to do so.
I leaned back and crossed my arms, raising one eyebrow. “I read the entirety of The Nature of War in your room the other day. I can handle a skirmish at the border.”
He nodded. “Good, because as queen that’s exactly what you’ll be called to do in my absence.”
Anxiety roiled through me at that but I just nodded. Servant becomes queen, and then acting war leader? Sounded like a recipe for disaster.
“I’ll give Zaphira one more night to make her move. If she doesn’t, I’ll ride out to Embergate first thing in the morning. I’ll tell Drae about the machine, and ask him to see Lucien with me.” He stood then and told me he had meetings to get to.
I inclined my head and finished my lunch in relative silence. I didn’t like this laidback queen role. I wanted to be in on the meetings. I missed being his assistant and being busy, but I understood that job was no longer appropriate. At least I didn’t need to taste the food anymore. I never liked that.
THE DAY PASSED QUICKLY. I spent the entirety of it at the infirmary with my aunt, and even visited Natasia briefly, keeping a distance from her.
“I should go,” I told my aunt, yawning. It was after dinner and I was tired even though I’d slept in.
My aunt nodded, she’d slept half the time I was there and spent the rest of the time listening to me read to her quietly.
When I kissed her cheek she smiled, with all of her facial muscles, and I nearly wept in relief. “Goodnight, Auntie.” I stood and crossed the room, reaching for the door.
“Lani…” My aunt’s voice was serious, the kind of serious tone she used when I was in trouble or she wanted to convey something with gravity.
I turned and looked at her in concern.
“He loves you. Don’t let him tell you any different,” she said.
Tears spilled over onto my cheeks at her assessment of Raife. I pulled my hand away from the door and walked back over to the bed.
“I know how a man looks at a woman when he’s in love. That man loves you,” she said with even more seriousness to her voice.
I thought I had been doing a good job of keeping my heartbreak over Raife silent, but I guessed not.
My stomach tied in knots. I wanted it to be true with every fiber of my being. “Even if that were true, he’s emotionally unavailable,” I said.
My aunt peered up at me from her place nestled in the bed. “Maybe you’ve made it too easy for him.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
My aunt shrugged innocently. “If it’s a fake marriage, then you should both be able to take a secret lover with no issue, right?”
My mouth popped open in shock—but then closed, opened again, and then closed. I didn’t want to take a lover and I believed she knew that. Was she saying that I should pretend to take one to make him jealous? That just seemed cruel.
“Sometimes men need to be afraid of losing something to realize they want it,” she said finally, and then closed her eyes as if that was that.
Her words had thrown my entire being into a frenzy. But she was right. I was being too soft with him, available when he wanted, shutting down when he wanted.
Screw that!
It was time to shit or get off the pot, as they liked to say in Nightfall. If Raife didn’t want a sexual relationship with me, then we should take lovers. Did we really both expect to be celibate for the next five years?
I left the infirmary with the two guards that Raife had assigned to me and made it back to the palace in record time. It was well past dinner so I didn’t expect to see him in the dining room, and was pleased when I found him standing by the bookshelf in our room, selecting a book to read.
When I walked in, he turned. “Hey, how’s your au—?”
I pushed him against the bookshelf and claimed his mouth in a fiery kiss. It was angry, and forceful and… hot. It lit the core of my being on fire. But I needed to remain in control here. I had a plan. He growled the second my lips hit his and parted them, stroking his tongue against mine. When he did, I sucked his tongue and caused him to moan so loud I was sure the guards at the door heard it. When I had him right where I wanted him, I pulled back and met his hooded steely gaze.
“Raife, I’m a woman,” I breathed against his mouth, “I have needs, and I understand if you can’t or won’t meet them, but they need to be met.” I pulled away then, taking two full steps back. “This is all fake anyway, right?”
There was a fire in his eyes, but he stayed silent.
“You clearly have had an arrangement in the past with that women Dara I saw visit your bedroom. I will make the same type of arrangement. We can live out the next five years of this fake marriage, at least not being totally miserable and sexually frustrated.”
He swallowed hard, his chest heaving.
I had zero intention of taking a lover but I wanted to test whether or not we were truly just friends. Was I crazy? Were the feelings of love and adoration coming from him for me? I just didn’t know anymore.
“You’re unhappy,” he said, with more sadness in his voice than I anticipated.
“I’m unsatisfied,” I corrected, and stepped closer to him.
Another hard swallow.
“It’s up to you how you want to play this, Raife.” I kissed his cheek. “Goodnight. Have a safe trip to Embergate,” I whispered in his ear, and then brushed past him, walking into the washroom with my heart beating on the floor at his feet.
That was by far the bravest thing I’d ever done. I couldn’t stop the frantic beating of my heart throughout my entire bath. So when I finally had the guts to leave the washroom, I prayed he was in our bed, ready to accept what this really was. Ready to make me and my aunt not crazy. Ready to love me.
But when I saw the lights were off and the bed was made, my stomach dropped. On the couch was Raife’s slow-breathing form.
I bared my soul to him and he fell asleep.
If that wasn’t the most depressing thing in the world, I didn’t know what was.
It was a long time before I drifted off.
THE NEXT MORNING I woke up and peered across the room at the couch. The sheets were folded and stacked at the end of the cushion with the pillow on top. Did he leave for Embergate without saying goodbye?
It was then that I noticed the note next to my pillow, on his side of the bed, and my stomach tightened.
LANI,
You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. You’re incredibly kind and you might even be smarter than me.
I STOPPED READING for a moment and pressed the letter to my chest, grinning up at the ceiling. It was a love letter. A love letter before he left. I would cherish it always. I pulled the parchment from my chest and read the next line, my heart plummeting into my stomach.
BUT I CAN’T GIVE you the life you want, the life you deserve. I won’t lie, I do care about you, I am deeply attracted to you, but I told you when we started this not to fall in love with me. I’m dead inside and I can’t love you back. It’s just another thing Zaphira took from me. I’m paralyzed, afraid to care for anyone too deeply in the fear that I will have to watch them die. Some people have scars on the outside, mine are on the inside. They are invisible, so they are easy for others to forget. So you will have to settle for a deep and respectful friendship with me.
THE TEARS FELL onto the parchment and my vision blurred, making it impossible to read further. A body-numbing grief spread through my entire being as I realized I had truly and fully fallen in love with him. Now I had to let him go. I blinked rapidly and read the last bit of the letter.
I JUST WANT you to be happy. Your mere presence makes me happy, and ruling beside you these next five years will be my absolute pleasure. Thank you for doing this for me, for getting the council to approve my war so I can get the revenge my family deserves and heal that part of my soul that feels like it bleeds every day.
I HEARD YOU LAST NIGHT. It killed me but I heard you. If you want to take a lover to satisfy your needs…
Okay.
-Raife
THE SOBS that ripped from my throat sounded animalistic. Raw agony tore through my chest, and I was afraid to look down for fear that my heart might actually be lying on the bed in a bloody mangled mess. As awful as the letter was, it was everything I needed to hear. I wanted the truth and I got it. He called me beautiful, sweet, and smart. He admitted he cared and was sexually attracted to me. He praised our friendship and told me to do what it took to be happy. It was a sweet and respectful letter and it killed me. What Zaphira did to him killed me. She robbed him of true love. She took from him a normal life and scarred up his insides so that he wouldn’t even allow himself to love. I hated her for it and I wanted her dead.
I started to think up wild assassination plots then. Poison was impossible because she kept her food so well guarded and had half a dozen tasters. She once didn’t eat for four days when she suspected the dragon king might have sent poison in retaliation for killing his betrothed. Instead, he killed her favorite son.
I was fuming mad, tearing across the room to get ready for the day with the grumpiest, most heartbroken feelings slamming around my body. I hoped Raife wasn’t still here. If I saw him, I would burst into tears and then hug him. I couldn’t be mad at him; he spoke his truth and I accepted that. I accepted being his friend. And I wouldn’t take a lover. I never wanted one in the first place. I wanted him.
By the time I dressed and covered my red puffy eyes, it was late morning. The dining hall was empty but for Mrs. Tirth waiting with my food.
“Sorry. I slept in,” I told her, and my gaze flicked to Raife’s empty chair.
She looked at me compassionately. “He left before the sun even came up. Been gone for several hours.”
I nodded, unable to help the tears that lined my eyes. Mrs. Tirth pretended not to notice when I blinked them away, and set my food in front of me. “Thank you,” I murmured.
She dipped her chin. “The king requested that you sit in on his meetings for him while he is away and take notes. Here is your schedule for the day.” She handed me a parchment and I relaxed a little. I was a busybody, needing something to keep my mind active, and right now I was so heartbroken that this was exactly what I needed to take my thoughts off of things.
I glanced at the parchment, mentally preparing.
Farming meeting.
Winter Ball planning.
Bow Men meeting.
Council meeting.
Infirmary rounds.
All in all, it was a light day.
With that, I finished my breakfast quickly and stepped into my farmers’ meeting.
“Hello, gentlemen.” I smiled.
They all greeted me, and I settled into my day, only thinking about Raife every minute or so. Was he in Embergate yet? Did Drae say yes? Would they go right to Thorngate, or come back here for a few days?
I broke for lunch after the Winter Ball planning meeting, and then stepped right into the Bow Men meeting. Raife’s top six commanders were there. I nodded to Cahal, Ares, and a few of the others I knew well.
“Hey, guys, I’m taking notes for Raife so I can fill him in when he gets back.”
Cahal nodded. “Alright, let’s get started. We left off last week talking about preparing for the big war with the queen. His Highness wanted a thousand arrowheads forged per month, but we’ve had a shortage in metals.”
I scrawled down the notes. “Can we melt down impractical items like sculptures and use that metal?”
Cahal inclined his head. “That was going to be my suggestion, but it will have to be by royal decree, and then we’ll have to compensate—”
The door flung open and Haig burst inside with a messenger who was panting, dirt caked in his hair like he’d fallen off a horse.
“Queen Zaphira rides with her army to the east wall,” Haig said in alarm.
Chills rose up on my arms, and I knew that Raife would never forgive me for urging him to leave. Because in the worst possible time, the queen of Nightfall was attacking. Had she been watching? Waiting until he left?
The messenger had finally caught his breath. “Over five hundred men march this way. Half on horseback, some ride on fast machines, like horseless carriages. The queen leads them.”
My heart hammered in my chest as every single commander stood and looked from Haig to me.
Haig stepped into the room and sat beside me, leaning in to lower his voice. “Elvin law states that you are in charge in the absence of your husband. You must call an emergency war meeting with the council.”
Holy Hades. Was this seriously happening?
“I’d like to call an emergency war meeting with the council. Bow Men, ready the troops for battle,” I told them.
They saluted me and left. Haig ran out as well, presumably to get the other councilmen, and I sat there in absolute shock.
What the Hades was I going to do? Lead a war on our border? How? This was too much. I couldn’t think.
It was in that moment that a line in The Nature of War came to me.
In times of war, staying calm is one of the most important things you can do. Others will look to you to lead, and the less nervous you are, the more faith they will have in your ability.
I inhaled deeply through my nose and shook out my limbs, rolling my neck.
I got this. Just a little skirmish at the east border with the witch I was just plotting to kill. If this went my way I might even be able to put her out of her misery and Raife wouldn’t need to assemble all of these other kings.
The four councilmen burst into the room then and Aron looked right at me. “Zaphira was clearly spying on King Raife and saw that he left. She’s choosing now to attack because she knows we are weak without our king,” Aron said.
“No we’re not,” I said calmly. “Raife is an amazing leader and healer, but a single person being gone does not weaken an entire realm.”
Haig stared at me, impressed, but Foxworth shook his head. “We can’t let her get deep into the borders. Her army is larger and can conquer the entire realm before the king even gets back. He’ll come back to burning fields, dead men, and enslaved women.”
His words were sobering. I thought better on my feet, so I stood.
Stay calm, I told myself, taking in a deep breath as the council rolled out a parchment map on the table. I knew Nightfall and its people better than anyone here. I didn’t exactly know the queen’s battle plans or anything, but plenty of my friends had dated men in her army since every male above the age of sixteen was forced to join the reserves. I knew that they were heavily dependent on their machines.
The council was arguing about evacuating the highborns into Thorngate and begging the fae king for help when I cleared my throat and stepped up to the map.
“Bring the people from these outer fields into the safety of the palace walls.” I pointed to the area on the map with the highest population of our farmers. Their knowledge of growing food was invaluable. We could afford to lose some crops but not the farmers themselves. “Then we set bear traps at the perimeter of the East wall to capture their horses. And we flood the field with as much wine and liquor as we can find.”
The men frowned, staring at me perplexed. “Liquor?”
I nodded. “The queen’s machines are all electric and electricity and fire don’t mix.”
“Fire? You’re going to…” Haig suddenly looked impressed.
I could see the approval in their eyes as they glanced at each other.
“Are you saying we stay and fight the queen of Nightfall?” Haig asked me honestly.
I dipped my chin. “Are you really suggesting we abandon an entire realm over the fear of one woman? We can do this.”
“One woman with five hundred men!” Foxworth barked. “I think we should take the highborn families and elite healers into Thorngate for safety.”
Now that pissed me off. “Fine! Go and be a coward with the rich highborns. I’ll stay with the Bow Men and the lowly farmers and fight for our home!” I snarled, pushing the table over and bursting from the room.
I’d never been so mad in my entire life. I knew that I’d probably just broken a law or something. I believed there needed to be a vote, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t running to the hills with the rich while the queen burnt Raife’s home, our home, to the ground and killed the poor.
Footsteps fell in behind me and I readied myself for a fight. When I turned it was Haig, Aron, and Greylin.
Haig bowed deeply to me. “My queen, I’ll bring in the farmers and people from the outlying villages,” he said, and then took off down the hall running.
Aron bowed then. “My queen, I will get a group together and set the bear traps.” He then left as well, and I tried not to let the emotion show on my face.
Greylin bowed, giving me a smile. “I will have villagers help me fill buckets with liquor and meet you at the stables with the Bow Men.”
Once he left, I wanted to cry for how they just respected me, calling me their queen and backing my plan, but there was no time for that. Later I would drink an entire bottle of elf wine and cry myself to sleep, hoping to forget the trauma I was no doubt about to experience. But for now I had to go to war.
