I wake to the sound of quiet sobbing and broken pleas, only to find Celeste still fast asleep, tears running down her face. She chokes on a sob, and I pull her against me, holding her close. “Celeste,” I murmur, trying my hardest to wake her gently.
She pushes against me and turns her head in distress, lost in a nightmare. “Please,” she whispers, and her tone cuts straight through my heart.
I grab her shoulders and gently shake her until she startles awake, her eyes instantly finding mine. Another sob tears through her throat, and I pull her against me, hugging her tightly. “It’s okay,” I whisper, my hand roaming over her back soothingly. “It’s just a nightmare, Celestial.”
She buries her face against my bare chest, her body shaking from the lingering effects of her dreams. “Oh God, Zane,” she says, her voice breaking as she wraps her arms around my neck and clings to me, her breathing ragged.
“It’s okay,” I repeat, over and over again, wishing I could just take away her distress entirely. What could’ve possibly upset her this much? She hasn’t been herself in a couple of weeks now, and I’m not sure what to do. I didn’t think I’d ever miss the woman who looked at me with nothing but hatred in her eyes, but I do.
She falls apart in my embrace, and I just hold her, murmuring soft soothing words, promising that nothing can touch her when she’s in my arms, until her breathing evens out, and her tears dry. “What happened?” I loosen my grip a little, and she clutches at me, unwilling to let go. She looks so tormented, so hurt. “What’s wrong, Celeste? Baby, I’m so worried about you. Please talk to me.”
Her eyes roam over my face, and fresh tears spill down her face. “Zane,” she whispers, her voice breaking. I cup her cheek and dry her face, my thumb catching each new tear. She looks into my eyes and draws a shaky breath. “I dreamed about Lily.”
I freeze at the sound of her name, cold dread cascading over me. Helplessness rushes through me, followed shortly by anger. I pull my hand away, but Celeste catches it and entwines our fingers before pulling our joined hands to her chest.
“Yesterday, her father called to invite me to her memorial in a couple of weeks, and I think that’s maybe why I dreamed of her again. I… I dreamed of her standing on the bridge,” she says, sniffling. “I told her I missed her, and she… she told me I couldn’t, because if I really missed her… I wouldn’t be with you.” She draws a shaky breath and lets her eyes fall closed for a moment, her heartbreak evident. “She stood on that bridge and asked me if it helps me sleep at night if I pretend to hate you while falling into bed with you. She accused me of forgetting her and wanting to move on with you, and I… I couldn’t refute her words.”
She tightens her grip on my hand as she bursts into tears all over again. “Zane, I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
My eyes widen, and I study her for a moment. Never once has she given me any indication that she might believe me, that Lily might not have told her the full truth. “What do you mean?”
Her eyes drop to my tattoo, and she draws a shaky breath as she places her free hand over my chest. “Without fresh grief blinding me, I’m struggling to believe that you… that you’d risk what we had. There’s so much that just doesn’t make sense, and she isn’t here to tell me the truth, but you are. We’ve gone over this so many times, and it doesn’t make sense that you still wouldn’t admit it. I don’t know if my mind is just deceiving me, if I just desperately want to believe that you couldn’t… that you wouldn’t have done that to me. Every time you touch me, I’m convinced that… that nothing could come close… not for me, but also not for you.” She squeezes her eyes closed and tries her hardest to draw a breath, her body shaking. “I feel like I’m going crazy, and I hate feeling this way. Am I deluding myself?”
“No,” I whisper, desperation bleeding into my voice. “I wouldn’t risk what we had, Celeste. I didn’t. I let you comb through my phone and gave you access to the entire Windsor security system so you could search the camera footage yourself. If I had something to hide, I’d never have done that. You told me I only did it because I’d deleted anything you might be able to find beforehand, but that simply isn’t true. I jumped through every hoop to prove my innocence, and begged you to believe me. Celeste, I was ready to walk away from my family for you. Why would I ever cheat on you when you were my whole world?”
She stares at me with pure heartbreak in her eyes, and I sigh, lamenting our loss. “Every time I begin to believe that, I dream of Lily, and I just… I don’t know how to live with the guilt that comes with knowing I was part of the reason my best friend chose to die, and I can’t make sense of it. She wouldn’t have done what she did if it wasn’t true, and I keep going around in circles, desperately wanting to believe something that just seems like wishful thinking.”
Another tear runs down her face, and I catch it with my thumb, my heart bleeding. Five years, and I’m still desperate for her to believe me. I sigh and drop my forehead to hers. “I didn’t cheat on you, Celeste. I swear.”
She begins to cry in earnest, her arms wrapping around me as the sound of heartbreak fills our room. “I’m so scared I got it all wrong,” she whispers, clutching me desperately. “It’s becoming so hard to live with all the pain I’ve caused, with that numbness that only your touch drives away. I’m so tired of being unhappy, Zane.”
I hold her tightly and draw a shaky breath, hope flickering deep inside my aching heart. “Me too, Celestial,” I whisper.
