October 15th, Tuesday, 3:47 p.m.
GAGE: I called you.
CALISTA: Yep. It rang.
GAGE: Why didn’t you answer?
CALISTA: I’m busy.
GAGE: Doing what?
CALISTA: Ignoring you.
GAGE: Ha. You’re talking to me now.
CALISTA: You’re right, Gage. Let me put EVERYTHING I’m doing aside and focus my full attention on you.
GAGE: Thank you. I deserve it.
CALISTA: That’s it? That’s all you have to say? That’s the reason you called me three times in a row?
GAGE: No. But you’re being mean to me, and now I don’t want to tell you.
CALISTA: If you’re not going to tell me, I’ll just put my phone on Do Not Disturb.
GAGE: I’ll notify you anyway.
CALISTA: Ugh, you’re so annoying!
GAGE: I think you secretly like it.
CALISTA: What did you have to tell me? And it better be life or fucking death.
GAGE: I miss you. *smiley face emoji*
October 17, Thursday, 5:13 p.m.
GAGE: What size are your boobs?
CALISTA: Fucking excuse me?
GAGE: Like, how big are they?
CALISTA: Hi, Gage. I’m doing well, thanks. My day’s been good. Woke up and put my shirt on inside out, so that was fun.
GAGE: Would you say like a size large?
CALISTA: Are you serious right now?
GAGE: This is important, Cali. I need your answer right now.
CALISTA: Why?
GAGE: It’s for your Halloween costume.
CALISTA: First off, bra size isn’t measured on a scale from small to large. It’s based off band size and cup size, which use a number and letter system.
GAGE: Okay. So like a 57Z?
CALISTA: Jesus Christ, no. It doesn’t go that fucking high. And shouldn’t you be a better guesser? You’ve had them in your mouth.
GAGE: You’re right. I’m gonna change my answer to a…45R.
CALISTA: *eye roll emoji*
GAGE: Maybe you can just send me a reference photo. Or you can compare them to household objects like a small potted vase or a large candle.
CALISTA: Ugh. They’re a 34DD.
GAGE: That was going to be my next guess.
GAGE: Also, can you tell your tits I love them?
October 18th, Friday, 9:41 a.m.
CALISTA: Gage, since when did your contact have a heart by it?
GAGE: Aw, Cali. I’m flattered.
CALISTA: No, dickwad. I obviously didn’t put it there.
GAGE: Ohhh. Did you put an eggplant instead? For my giant penis?
CALISTA: I actually put a shrimp.
GAGE: That’s hurtful. And very untrue.
CALISTA: Did you somehow unlock my phone with your gremlin fingers?
GAGE: I have no idea what you’re talking about, and frankly, I don’t appreciate being accused.
CALISTA: You’re a second away from being blocked.
GAGE: And? I know where you live. I know exactly what apartment number is yours.
CALISTA: Is that a threat?
GAGE: Do you want it to be?
CALISTA: I’m changing your contact name to STUPID WHORE.
GAGE: I love how you have little nicknames for me. *kissy face emoji*
CALISTA: Every day I pray that murder will be legal.
GAGE: It would be an honor to die by your hands.
CALISTA: Don’t think you’ll like it that much when I’m choking the life out of you.
GAGE: On the contrary, I’ll fucking love it.
October 20th, Friday, 8:11 p.m.
GAGE: Come outside. I have something for you.
CALISTA: I’m not home right now.
GAGE: I know. You’re at the studio.
CALISTA: Ugh, you’re such a creeper.
CALISTA: How do you even know that?
GAGE: It’s actually this really cool thing called the internet. Invented in 1983 by some crazy computer scientist dude.
CALISTA: Hardy fucking har.
GAGE: God, woman. Will you just come outside? You’re ruining the surprise.
CALISTA: If this is a quickie in the back of your car, I’m not interested.
GAGE: Who do you take me for?
CALISTA: Do you really want me to answer that question?
GAGE: *expressionless face emoji* Fine then. I guess you don’t want the California roll I brought you.
CALISTA: You brought me dinner?
GAGE: Yes, Calista, because unlike you, I actually care about your well-being.
CALISTA: Gage, you didn’t have to bring me dinner.
GAGE: I did because you probably would’ve forgotten to eat otherwise. Am I wrong?
CALISTA: …
GAGE: Exactly.
CALISTA: I can take care of myself.
GAGE: I know you can, but that doesn’t mean you have to all the time.
CALISTA: Thank you. Ugh, I don’t like it when you’re all…nice.
GAGE: Oh, so you mean all the time?
CALISTA: HA. I think that’s the first funny joke you’ve made since I met you.
GAGE: Wooow. You know what? I think the rabid squirrels down at the park will enjoy some fifty-dollar sushi.
CALISTA: FIFTY DOLLARS? You spent fifty dollars on a single roll?
GAGE: I would’ve bought the hundred-dollar one with the gold flakes if they weren’t out of it.
CALISTA: Now you’re just showing off.
GAGE: No, Spitfire. You’re worth the most expensive sushi in the world.
CALISTA: Ugh! Stop being so…so…
GAGE: Charming? Sexy? Hilariously endearing? *winky face*
CALISTA: …
GAGE: I’m just going to pretend that you’re so overcome with gratitude that you can’t think of a sufficient enough adjective to describe me.
CALISTA: Sure. Let’s go with that.
GAGE: Now come out here. I’m lacking some Vitamin You right now and need my next dose before I die.
CALISTA: That’s the worst pickup line I’ve ever heard. And you have some serious issues.
GAGE: Nope. Just separation anxiety.
CALISTA: Print my face out on a piece of paper and stick it to your body pillow.
GAGE: You act like I haven’t already done that.
