I can’t believe I’m standing here with the woman I thought left me forever and she’s telling me all kinds of lies like this! I can’t believe she can look in my fucking face and lie. How dare she! “You are a liar!” I tell her, tears streaming down my cheeks. “You fucking left me Harper!”
She stares at me, mouth agape. “I know I’m drunk but I’m not so gone that I can’t tell when someone is lying to me,” I tell her coldly.
“I’m not lying!” she yells, wrapping her arms around herself as she pulls back from me. “I really thought you were dead!”
“But you were with another man!” I yell back, emotions going haywire inside. “How long did you wait until I was in the cold ground? One day? Two?”
“Demethys!” she cries out, cheeks going red. Have I caught her in her lie?
“You left me for someone else, didn’t you?” I demand. “It’s your fault I’m like this. You destroyed me by leaving!”
I’m inconsolable. I couldn’t function after Harper left. I became a shell of myself. My zagfer servants tried to cheer me up but I wasn’t having it. Nothing helped to bring me back from the dark place I went to emotionally.
At one point I even considered jumping from the city bridge. Ivrir told me I needed to get myself together and that if I wanted to find her, I needed to look. So I did. I spent years asking around, trying to see if anyone knew where she went. Trying to find her. I looked high and low. I tracked her for years without success.
And now she’s just here, standing in front of me. Lying to my face. Trying to tell me she didn’t run off with another man when the proof is right in front of me.
“Demethys, please, calm down,” Harper begs, reaching out to try to grab me. I ignore her though, and stalk over to the opposite side of the room. I can’t be near her right now. I can’t even look at her. How am I supposed to trust anything she says when she’s lying to me?
Her child is all the proof I need. I hate the thought of her lying with another man, wrapped up in his arms, writhing in passion underneath him. She was mine! She was supposed to be mine!
The thought is sickening. I want to hurl. How could she betray me like that? Betray our love? I thought she cared. I opened my home to her and I gave her my heart.
I asked to court her so she could see I was serious. I didn’t want her to think that I saw her as an easy lay, a cheap slut who I could bed and then discard.
Tears fall onto my shirt as I mourn the relationship I never truly had. I cover my face, sitting down heavily into a leather armchair. “Why?” I ask, looking up at her. “Why did you do it?”
“Do what?” Harper asks, voice sharp. “What did I do?”
“I just want to know who it was,” I tell her. “Please, just tell me who is he? Who is the man you fucked behind my back? Who is the father?”
Harper gapes at me, mouth open and her eyes fill with tears. “Who did you fuck, Harper?” I ask loudly, disgusted by her batlaz tears. “You left me for him, so he must have been a damned good lay. Did you fuck him while you were with me? Did you cheat on me?”
A strangled noise of pain comes out of Harper’s mouth. How dare she act like the victim! I’m the victim here. I stagger to my feet, breathing hard as I stalk forward. “Was he good? How quickly did you spread your legs for him, hah? Did you fuck him in my bed?”
“Please, Demethys!” Harper sobs. “Please stop!”
“So you don’t want to hear about all the ways you betrayed me, little slut?” I ask. “You brought a man into my home, into my bed and you’re suddenly feeling guilty about it?”
I’ve got her against the wall. My mind flashes back to one of the last times I came home from the field, before I was injured in battle and left. I remember pinning her against the wall that time but it was fun, playful and sexy.
Now she just looks at me as though I’m a monster. I hate seeing the look on her face but I need to know. “Did you like it? Was he good for you?” I ask, voice dropping lower as I reach out to touch her cheek. Her blonde hair was always beautiful to me, like the sun shining over a field of wheat. But she flinches when I touch her this time.
“Did he do things that made you see stars?” I ask. I know I’m pushing, but I have to know the details. Some morbid part of me needs to know if she liked him better. Is that why she left me for him?
“I bet you took him into my office,” I tell her accusingly. “I bet you got on your knees for him like the whore you are. Always ready to spread your legs for any dark elf who looked your way, weren’t you?”
Harper throws her hands up over her face, lurching backwards into the wall like she’s been struck. My hand goes down to her arm, attempting to keep her from falling over but I don’t realize my grip keeps tightening.
“Demethys, stop,” Harper says, trying to draw her arm away.
“I can’t look at you right now,” I tell her, a growl in my voice. “I can’t stand the sight of you. You’ve betrayed everything between us. I thought you loved me. I thought you cared. But you’re just another human slut.”
“Demethys!” Harper sounds frantic and she’s jerking her arm now. “Stop, please! You’re hurting me! Please let me go! Don’t be like this!”
I look down and realize I’ve got my hand around her upper arm and I’m squeezing hard enough to bruise. Immediately I let go and drop my hands, holding them up to show that I won’t touch her again, that she’s safe from me.
What have I become? What’s happened to me? How could I hurt her like this? I’ve turned into some angry, bitter, ugly monster because of my emotions. I’ve never done this before. I feel ill.
My stomach lurches and I turn back to face her. She’s sobbing and looking like a frightened dae. I can’t do this to her. I can’t hurt her. I love her too much. I turn away and leave, refusing to look back.
She doesn’t deserve this. I might be angry but I’m not an abusive monster. I’ve gone too far. I’ve turned into something ugly and hateful. This isn’t me. I need to get away, to clear my head.
I’m leaving when I hear her call my name in a broken, pleading voice. It hurts so much to hear that. I want to turn back, to rush to her and beg for forgiveness. To ask what happened to her.
But I can’t. I can’t bring myself to do it. No matter what she did, she still left me. She left and had a child that isn’t mine. The child is a constant reminder of what we could have had.
She betrayed me. I don’t understand why. I know I’m being unfair but she betrayed me first. I’ve got to go. I’ve got to clear my head.
I start walking again and head out into the cool evening, letting the air wash over me as I think about seeing her face in that crowd. It was like seeing a ghost. I can’t believe she’s here and she’s alive. Part of me thought she might be dead.
Walking through the deserted streets, I stumble over the cobblestone and nearly tumble to the ground. I know I’ve imbibed quite a bit but I guess I didn’t realize exactly how drunk I’ve gotten. It took me quite a bit of liquid courage to face Harper once more.
Hearing that she has a child now was a devastating blow. In my mind, I could assume she ran away because she was scared or she was threatened by someone. I assumed that she was in hiding for my protection. Now it’s clear that she didn’t run away to protect me, or that she felt scared. She moved on without me and she doesn’t need me.
I fall to my knees on the pavement, weeping as I realize that for a second time, I’ve lost the woman I love. It was hard enough to lose her the first time but now? Knowing that there’s no chance for us? It’s like swallowing a blade.
My throat constricts and I lean over, heaving up bile on the ground. It burns my throat and I feel as though I’m dying all over again. Whatever happened between us is over now. I can’t be around her and she’ll probably never forgive me for what I said to her.
I finish throwing up and sit down on the damp stones, bending my knees and leaning my head between them as I take in air slowly, trying to calm my rolling stomach. I wish I’d never seen her. I wish that she had stayed a distant memory.
Knowing that she’s here makes it so much worse. What am I supposed to do? How do I move on knowing that she’s alive and well?
Tossing my head back, I groan. If only there were easy answers up in the stars.
