“And I saw it was filled with graves,
And tomb-stones where flowers should be:
And Priests in black gowns, were walking their rounds,
And binding with briars, my joys & desires.”
Eryx recites one of my favorite poem by William Blake for me as I sit on his lap while the clouds grumble with the rain pouring heavily outside. The candelabra on the table and two hanging on the walls are the only source of light and warmth for us. But for me, Eryx’s body is more than enough to keep me warm in this cold weather. After he finishes reciting, he looks down at me and places a soft kiss on my forehead making my heart melt.
“I will get another book,” he mutters and starts to get up, but I wrap my arms around him tightly and shake my head.
“No. Stay.”
He lets out a light chuckle which I get to witness rarely, but when he does it always makes me wish he would smile or laugh often.
“You were the one who wanted to hear his poetries. This book is finished so I have to get another copy from the shelf.”
I shift my body and face him forward, pressing my front against his and wrap my legs around his waist. His hand caresses my back as he kisses my temple.
“I said stay so you stay.”
“Getting bossy are we? But I can still get up this way because I want to read more,” he murmurs with a teasing tone. Before I know it, he stands up and I tighten my hold around me, letting a screech in surprise and giggle at the same time. He goes to the shelf and gets another book, but instead of returning back he keeps my back pressed against the shelf. Forgetting about the book he puts his hands underneath my ass giving them a rough squeeze.
His eyes darken with a familiar look of desire and lust gazing upon me which always makes my nerves rush faster than ever.
“I thought you wanted to read more,” I taunt him, lightly circling my hips as I feel his erection digging against my pussy.
Keeping one hand on my ass, he snakes up the other holding me by my throat while his chest rumbles with a groan. “I’d rather stretch your tight cunt with my cock and fuck you until my come is oozing out.”
My God. His words…his words are always more than enough to make me surrender to the desire we both feel and crave for.
“I was controlling myself before but I can’t anymore,” he whispers against my cheek, giving a tight squeeze to my neck.
I chuckle lightly and kiss his lips.
“I always want you so much, little girl. My soul will crave for you for eternity.”
He returns my kiss with a possessive and rough touch as his tongue mingles with mine.
“Only you, little girl. It will always be you.”
I close the book with a light snap before placing it on my small shelf.
A week.
It has been seven days since Eryx left Vailburg. Seven days since he disappeared from my life like he never existed.
Seven fucking days where every second was filled with the memories and thoughts about Eryx. Every time I would ask Julius about him, he would have no response.
I am fully recovered now and recently got to meet my lawyer, signing the papers of the inheritance I got. Two days back I moved into the house and tried to do everything possible to feel settled back. But despite the millions I have in my account now, along with a luxurious mansion, I still feel lonely…unhappy…broken.
I am back at my father’s house and unpacking some of the new clothes I got for myself in my old bedroom. It is just how it was when I left, like nothing has moved even an inch.
Placing my clothes neatly inside my wardrobe, I shut the door with a sigh when my gaze falls on the table at the corner of my room, filled with paint brushes and box sets of acrylic paints. There are a few old canvases, sitting beside the table with dust resting on them, along the wooden easel laying on the ground.
I stalk towards the spot and run my fingertips along the brushes that are dry and stiff from not being used for years. I remember when Helena got me this expensive brush set for my birthday. She woke me up at midnight just to gift them to me.
“Agatha, come on, wake up,” Helena’s hushed voice starts to break my peaceful sleep.
“Mmm…no. There is no school today. I want to sleep longer,” I mumble with a groan.
“School never happens at midnight, silly. Now get up. I want to show you something.” She shakes my body so that I have no other choice but to blink open my eyes.
With a yawn, I sit up, rubbing my eyes while I try to look at Helena with sleep weighing my eyelids.
“Look what I got you as your present.”
That gets my attention and I fully open my eyes, seeing Helena sitting in front of me in her usually white nightgown with a box in purple wrapping paper.
She passes it to me and I don’t waste a second, tearing the wrapping and opening the box inside.
It is a set of twenty-four brushes. The ones I have been asking for months but mommy and dad refused as I already have brushes.
But Helena got them for me.
I shriek in excitement and immediately embrace her tightly. “Thank you. Thank you so much. This is so amazing,” I lean back, smiling brightly, “I didn’t know mommy and dad would agree-”
She shakes her head. “They didn’t. But I used some of my saved money to get my sister something she has been wanting for so long.”
I frown. “But what if they get mad at you…”
She lightly chuckles, tucking a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. “They won’t. And I want nothing but for my sister to be happy and have something that is part of her dream.”
I feel emotional from her words and hug her again, feeling the warmth and calmness that I always feel being in her arms.
“Are you sure you want to be an artist when you grow up?” she asks.
I nod frantically. “I really do. But I don’t think mommy and dad would agree, especially father.”
This time she moves back with a softening gaze but it still holds a determined look as she cups my face. “Agatha…no matter what path you choose in this world, on your own, there will always be people who will be against it. But never let them steal your dream from you.”
I listen to her intently.
“You want to be an artist, then be an artist who would prove to those people that are objecting now, that the dream you choose for yourself gave you the ultimate happiness they were stopping you from. And I know my sister very well, once she puts her mind into something, she always gets it.”
My dreams were stolen from me and my guilt weakened me. But deep down I know Helena would have wanted me to follow the journey I had to leave midway.
But not this time.
This time it will be different.
I tie my hair in a messy bun and remove the scarf from my neck. Shedding the coat I place it on the bed, smoothening down my peach-colored dress, I grab a stool and place it beside the window. I start to set up the easel and put the canvas on it. I drag the table close to the easel before I sit out, letting a deep breath.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I lick my dry lips and pick up a pencil from the table. Placing the sharp graphite tip against the rough paper, I pause for a moment.
I will follow my dreams…it will be different this time.
No more darkness. No more guilt.
A new step to my new journey.
I straighten, leaning closer to the paper and let my hand move as I start to outline a rough sketch.
A few more days pass by and I leave my house to visit a place that I have avoided for a long time now. But now I am ready to finally let myself be free from the cage of guilt.
The driver stops the car at Vailburg Graveyard, parking close to the entrance door. Opening the door, I carry the bouquet of red roses in my hand before walking out.
I pass through the rustic iron gate and step inside the vast area where uncountable bodies lie underneath the ground but several wild flowers bloom around their tombstones. Further away there is an enormous field of roses with the natural fragrance wafting around my nose even from here. I move forward until I stop at the spot where my sister was.
Helena Arthur
1957-1982
A daughter. A sister. A wife.
I kneel down and place the flowers on her grave. My eyes instantly glimmer with tears with my throat clogging with overwhelming emotions.
Loss. Heartache. Sadness.
I touch the stone, feeling the roughness against my palm. But despite it being just a piece of stone, I feel like I am closer to Helena…as if she is right in front of me, giving me her soft smile that she always gave when seeing me, filled with love and adoration.
I let out a raspy breath, trying to find the words to express my feelings to her. But it is difficult.
It always will be.
“No matter what I say or do, nothing will bring you back.” I bite my lip as the tears stream down my cheeks and drop on her grave.
“I could only wish to go back in time and do things differently. I will always be sorry for what happened, Helena. I would sacrifice anything just to have you in my arms even for a moment. I just hope that you will forgive me and you find peace and eternal happiness in a place you deserve to be in.”
My heart aches just from missing my sister so much. The emptiness I am feeling feels unmendable. I don’t know if this is my start to picking up the broken pieces of my heart but I know I have to begin somewhere.
I feel the howling wind caressing my face and lightly grazing my hands. But it doesn’t feel cold…it was warm and soothing that it almost feels like someone’s touch.
A familiar sensation that always left a peaceful feeling within me is running through my skin…something that I felt whenever I was with Helena.
Maybe it is her. A spiritual gesture she is sending me that was wordless and yet holds a deep meaning.
“I will always miss you, Helena. I love you so much.” I lean down and lightly kiss her name. For the next few moments, I share with Helena what I have been through, sharing every horror and misery I went through. I pour out all my guilt and shame that I carried since the day my innocence was clouded with darkness.
I confess it all to her, finally feeling the burden weighing off my shoulders.
“I just wish you could be here to guide me in this unknown journey. I did have someone who helped me find my path to freedom and I hoped maybe he will be by my side when I wake up. But he was gone.”
I sniffle. “He left me alone…h-he didn’t give us a second chance. I guess he didn’t love me enough.”
“Wrong. I love you so much that I was willing to let you go.”
I jolt from the familiar dark, deep and intense voice that has made my heart pace up every single time I hear it. But I don’t turn to look.
It was maybe a dream. He couldn’t be here.
“No…this isn’t real,” I whisper, shaking my head and shutting my eyes closed.
This isn’t real. It’s a hallucination.
“Agatha,” he whispers my name but I only shake my head in response as I stand up and start to run away. I want to be away from this as far as possible. But I hear thudding footsteps following me as I flee towards the rose field.
The heavy footsteps get louder and closer. I feel strong, calloused hands holding my shoulders and bringing me close to a hard, muscular chest. Heavy and warm breathing fans my hair but I don’t dare to look over my shoulder, until I am turned around. But when I feel his warmth against my cheeks, I gradually open my eyes, gathering all my courage to know if it’s reality or dream.
“It’s real, Agatha,” he whispers. Leaning closer he lightly kisses my lips, letting me savor his taste that I have missed so much.
“You are here…”
He nods, looking at me with a softening gaze that I have rarely witnessed in his steel cold eyes. He always keeps his emotions guarded inside his walls but not today.
He let it all out…for me.
But when the memories of him leaving me alone hits me, I stagger back, prying his hands away from my cheeks. He frowns as if the distance truly hurts him.
“Why are you back?” I ask. My voice breaks slightly from being emotional but I refuse to break down in front of him. I won’t give him that satisfaction.
“I came back for you,” he answers, taking a step closer while I take one back.
“You left me once without hesitation,” I snort. “I’m sure you can do that again easily. So, don’t waste your time on keeping promises you break and leave.”
“It wasn’t easy, Agatha. It was never easy,” he mutters honestly. “You never escaped from my mind even for a second. I would even dream about you every night, only to be greeted with loneliness when my eyes opened.”
“If it wasn’t easy for you then you would at least have had the guts to say goodbye to me.”
He shakes his head. “I wasn’t brave enough to do that.” He looks down letting out a sigh. “I knew the moment I would see those innocent eyes…that pure soul who bloomed my life with her love and care, then I wouldn’t have been able to leave.”
“Then what made you come back?” I ask, crossing my arms.
“Because I love you, Agatha and you are my forever. I have given it all to ignore that feeling because I feared once I let that in, there would be no turning back and if I get hurt then I won’t be the same again. But I’m not afraid anymore.”
He comes closer, touching my arms and leaning his forehead against mine.
This closeness…this touch…this calmness.
I only felt it with him and I always will. It was a truth that I couldn’t run away from no matter how hard I try.
I close my eyes, letting myself relish in his touch, unable to help myself from holding his strong, muscular arms.
“I want to feel the love I have caged in my ice-cold heart for years. But there is no point in letting it be free if you aren’t in my life because that love only belongs to you, Agatha.”
I let out a shaky breath while my heart pounds against my chest.
“But how will I trust you with not leaving me again? You said our paths are different.”
“Just like I trusted you with my truth, you can trust me with mine.”
My heart swells from his words…the same words that have always been my anchor in those dark times at the Magdalene. The same words that assured me he will always be there for me.
“I was wrong to think we have different paths because you are my path, Agatha. You always will be. And I know you shouldn’t trust me after what I did…after what we have been through. But I’m tired of escaping again and again. I want to be with you…my home. I won’t leave you ever again, Agatha. All I ask is for you to give me a chance to be your forever. Will you give me that chance?” he asks.
Letting out a raspy breath I cup his face, bringing his face close to mine and touching our lips together in a deep and passionate kiss that set my nerves on fire like always. He groans softly before pulling me closer and wrapping his arms around me.
“Only if you let me be your forever,” I whisper against his lips.
He lightly chuckles. “You have been my forever since the day I saw you, Agatha.”
“And now you are mine.”
“Only yours.”
He puts his hand inside his pocket to find something and when he retrieves a rose I recognize, I gasp in surprise.
“How did you…”
“It was in your dress pocket. When you were at the hospital, one of the nurses gave it to me. I thought to take it with me as a memento because it always reminded me of you. Innocent, pure and beautiful.”
I remember…that night I wanted to destroy this rose after feeling betrayed by Eryx. But I didn’t have it in my heart to ruin it, so I kept it inside my pocket. I take the rose in my hand, lightly caressing the petals that are a bit dry. But I know just like me, it will be getting love and care, and in no time, it will be blooming again.
Just then I remember about his brother and lean back with a scowl. “What about your brother? Did you find him?”
He nods with a pleasant smile. “I finally have my brother back and he is eager to meet you.”
“He knows about me?” I ask.
“According to him, I’ve been acting like Romeo who can’t stop thinking or talking about his Juliet.”
I giggle, tangling my arms around his neck, lightly stroking his hair. “Thank you for bringing me out of my darkness.”
“No, little girl. Thank you for accepting mine despite the consequences.”
“It was all worth it to get this ending,” I murmur.
“We were afraid to be tainted by the devil in the beginning but now, we are tainted by each other for the rest of our lives.”
