I almost drowned in the Platte River last summer on a day where my parents hadn’t even noticed I was gone. Thank God Rox was a good swimmer.
The second I walked through the front door of Hazelwood High, all hope of no one remembering the previous day disappeared.
I unzipped my coat and pulled off my hat and gloves, frozen to the core and missing my Astro van in a desperate way. I glanced at two people standing by the office, two random girls I didn’t know, and they whispered and watched me walk by.
In front of me was a group of four guys—they were dressed like burners but I didn’t actually know them—and they turned around and all smiled and chuckled at me, but in a supportive way. Like I’d done something funny they approved of.
My face got instantly hot and my vision focused sharply on the fact that everyone was looking at me. Like, every-freaking-one. That girl by the snack store, those dudes by the trophy case, the mathletes by the counselor’s office; every eye in the building was on me.
I pretended not to notice and headed for the safety of my locker.
“Holy crap, Em, you are my hero!” Chris came up behind me and I’d never been so happy to see him in my entire life. “I seriously cannot believe you. Even though the tattoo is over-the-top nutjob, the fact that you had the guts to do it—and tag Josh in your post about it—is blowing my mind.”
“I can’t believe it myself.” I looked around and no one seemed to be paying attention to us, thank God. Chris was beaming, which made me ask, “So what happened with Alex?”
“Em—listen to this. We had the perfect night. He came over, and it felt like we’d hung out a hundred times. Like, so chill, just talking and watching movies. And then,” he said, lowering his voice and glancing over my shoulder, his eyes wide with wild-happiness, “when I walked him to his car, he pressed me against the side of that silver CRV and kissed me like… like…”
“Like he was starving and you were the only thing that could nourish him?”
His mouth dropped open and he squealed. “It sounds like something out of Twilight, but you nailed it—that’s it exactly!”
“Shut up!”
“I cannot!” He was jumping up and down a little, and I joined him in his celebration, because nothing was better than Chris finding love. He deserved all the movie moments. “And he already texted to tell me he can’t stop thinking about me.”
“Of course he can’t; you kiss like a dream.”
“You wish you knew.”
“I don’t need to wish when you’ve told me that, like, a hundred times.”
“I do, though.” He leaned closer and said, “It’s my special gift.”
“We all have special gifts.”
He rolled his eyes. “Don’t quote Pretty Woman at me when I’m having my great-date freak-out.”
“Carry on, then.”
“Did I tell you he’s going with me to Village Pointe after school to shop for jeans?”
That made me snort. “Seriously? I mean, jeans-shopping is the worst, right?”
“Focus, Em. He wants to go.” He beamed and looked totally love-drunk when he asked, “Is it too soon for the L-word?”
I love you today, Nick. I shook my head and said, “Not at all.”
He looked at his phone and said, “I’ve got to go.”
“Hey, can I get a ride home?”
“Of course.” He started walking away and said over his shoulder, “Meet me at my locker after school.”
I made it through my first few classes by pretending not to notice that the eyes of the world were upon me. I ignored everything and replayed in my head the moments with Nick the day before, choosing to concentrate on the swoon instead of the actual dumpster fire of the day’s reality. I overheard people saying my name in the halls during passing periods, but I pretended not to as I counted down the minutes until Mr. Bong’s class.
On the way to third hour I saw those girls walking in my direction. Lallie was talking and the other two were walking beside her, listening to what was certain to be a riveting conversation. The halls were jam-packed with students because it was a passing period, and it felt like time was moving in slow motion as Lauren turned her head and looked directly at me.
Oh no, they were going to destroy me.
I did what anyone would do in my situation. I turned to my right and pulled open the door to the auditorium. It was mostly dark inside, with just a couple of stage lights shining, and I crept to the right as the door closed behind me.
Would they follow me in? I heard the bell ring as I ran down the last row of theater seats and crawled behind the big box that they used for props storage. My heart was pounding as I squatted and waited, and I wondered if this was rock-bottom.
I heard a few random voices as I crouched behind the container—clearly there was a music class about to start—and my heart pounded as I literally had no idea what to do. Crap, crap, crap. This was not normal behavior, right? People didn’t just hide during the course of the school day.
“All right, all right, settle down,” I heard someone say, a woman whose voice sounded very teacher-y as it boomed through the auditorium. “I know you’re excited, so if everyone’s ready, let’s just try it from the top and see where we’re at.”
My squatting legs felt wobbly as music started playing over the sound system. The noise made me think it might be safe to come out and sneak toward the door, but as soon as I peeked around the corner, I knew I was screwed.
Because at that exact moment, fifteen or so pop choir students on the stage burst into “Summer Nights” as they began rehearsing. Every single one of those superstars would see me if I came out now.
Dammit.
Not only was I going to get in trouble for ditching the class I was supposed to be in, but now I was going to have Danny and Sandy’s meet-cute song stuck in my head all day.
I sat down behind my box and got comfortable.
As it turned out, they weren’t too bad. Their loud rendition of the songs from Grease kind of made me forget my trainwreck of a life for a little while as I hummed along. “Hopelessly Devoted to You” was still kind of catchy—who knew? When the bell finally rang and the auditorium started emptying enough for me to be able to leave my hiding spot without being noticed, I straightened my cramped legs and hightailed it out of there.
Unfortunately, the second I opened the auditorium door I ran right into Josh.
“Gah!” I jumped back, my body feeling the collision even after the split-second bump passed.
“Emilie.” Josh’s nostrils flared and his eyes moved over my face before he said, “What were you doing in the auditorium?”
“I, um—”
“You know what? I don’t care.” He touched my arm and said “C’mere” as he led me over to the enclave of hallway trophy cases and away from passing students. He moved closer to me and asked in a quiet-but-angry voice, “What in the hell was yesterday, Em?”
I cleared my throat. What to say? Um, I didn’t know the fifteenth would actually ever come? I saw you kissing someone but I don’t even know anymore if it was real or not? Yeah, like that wasn’t bonkers. “I thought—”
“Things were fine with us in the morning at my locker, and then you just walked away from me to go humiliate me over the intercom? And then the tattoo? Who does that?”
His face was a little flushed and he looked hurt. Sad, actually, as he looked at my face like he genuinely needed an answer. I took a deep breath and said, “Listen, Josh, I know it seems—”
“Like you’re an asshole?”
Wow. That was the first time that a guy I’d loved had ever called me a name, and it was a jarring, nasty feeling. I said, “Maybe I wouldn’t have acted like one if you weren’t still involved with your ex.”
His eyes widened a little, like he was surprised. But it wasn’t just surprise that I saw—there was something else as his head tilted the tiniest bit. Almost a satisfaction that I was jealous…? He said, “Macy and I are just—”
“Just what? Friends who kiss?”
He blinked, a slow blink that somehow made him look pretty and accentuated his ridiculously long eyelashes. “We didn’t kiss.”
I tilted my head. “Don’t lie to me.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” His eyebrows were all scrunched together. “You think I kissed Macy?”
Man, he sure looked like he was telling the truth. “Didn’t you take her with you on a coffee run yesterday?”
His eyebrows unscrunched. “Yeah…?”
“You didn’t share a moment in the parking lot? In your car?”
He narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again. Swallowed before saying, “I’ll admit that things are a little, um, complicated with Macy. But I swear to God, I didn’t kiss her.”
“Really.” I looked at him, really looked, squinting my eyes to try to find my hurt. The first couple of times I’d seen him kiss her, it’d felt like my insides were being twisted. But now I looked at him and just saw… a guy. A guy who was a relatively attractive person but had absolutely no emotional hold over me. “Well, I guess I uncomplicated it for you. Later, Sutton.”
I turned away from him and very nearly sprinted to Chemistry, head down, desperate to avoid more conversation. I didn’t want to be decimated by the mean girls, and I didn’t want to be talked about like I was some sort of urban legend for being an asshole.
I took a deep breath and walked into the classroom. It didn’t look like Nick was there yet, and I was glad to have a minute to get myself together before seeing him. I sat down and got out my book, more nervous than I’d been all day.
Because I had no idea what to expect.
Would Nick be funny and warm like he’d been the night before? Would he be the surly lab partner I’d had all year? Was he going to ask me out—and maybe kiss me again—or was he regretting all of his choices from yesterday?
My heart was pounding as I waited for him to show up.
But when the bell rang, he still wasn’t there. Bong marked him absent and started talking about our upcoming projects as my brain kicked into paranoid hyperdrive.
Where was he? Was he sick? Absent? Ditching class?
And was it because of me? I mean, I knew, logically, that it wasn’t the case, but my insecure heart had a bad feeling about Nick Stark’s absence.
Mr. Bong spoke for a solid five minutes before he turned his attention directly to me.
“Are you recovered from yesterday’s misbehaviors, Ms. Hornby?” Bong looked down his glasses at my face. “I’m assuming the office spoke with you regarding punishment?”
“Um, yes,” I said, dying of mortification.
“Good.” He looked back at the class. “We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s get right to work, folks.”
He started lecturing and I started taking notes, face aflame, but the burning ball in the pit of my stomach didn’t go away. It got worse with every passing minute.
Was Nick avoiding me?
Twelve hours ago he’d been kissing me, but now he was nowhere to be found.
The rest of the day went by in a blur. Between my lack of sleep, Nick’s absence, and the fact that all eyes were on me all the time, I was basically numb. I went through the motions of the afternoon, shuffling from class to class and trying to be invisible, and when I finally got home, I went straight to my room and shut the door.
Hopefully, I could avoid parental confrontation. I knew my mom was probably champing at the bit to give me a little more hell, but I didn’t have the energy.
Apparently my closed-door plan worked—incredibly well—because I stress-ate Cheetos and watched reruns of Gilmore Girls until I fell sound asleep in my clothes.
Didn’t talk to my mother or Todd at all.
Didn’t wake up until the next morning, in fact.
As someone who’d always taken great pride in self-discipline, waking up in the previous day’s clothing with Cheeto residue on my fingertips wasn’t a great sign. And yet, for some reason, I didn’t hate the way it felt.
I took a deep breath and walked into the classroom. I could see the back of Nick’s head as he looked at the book on the table in front of him, and just like that, I had a stomach full of butterflies.
When I got to our table, he was texting and didn’t look up. I sat down and got out my book.
Nick looked up and our eyes met, and all the memories of the DONC came rushing at me.
He gave me a closed-mouth smile, like he didn’t know me, and then he went back to his phone.
I felt the heat flood my cheeks and I swear to God I lost the ability to hear for a second.
I looked at him, but Nick was still just staring at his phone.
Why wouldn’t he look at me?
I opened my mouth to tell him I had his jacket in my locker when Bong walked in and said, “Put your books away—it’s test time, kiddos.”
Ugh—I’d forgotten all about the test. I’d forgotten to study. I put away my stuff and moved to the other table, but the knot of dread in my stomach kept growing.
And it had nothing to do with my lack of preparation. For the first time in my life, I didn’t give a shit about my grades.
All I cared about was the fact that Nick was ignoring me.
Avoiding me.
Two days before, he’d been making out with me in the dark on the side of my grandma’s house, but now he couldn’t even smile or say hi or just acknowledge my existence?
I spent the entire class period working on my test, struggling to keep my thoughts at bay while I grasped for answers. When the bell finally rang, I packed up my stuff, and when I grabbed my backpack, Nick was already walking away. I wasn’t about to beg or chase him down, but I did walk a little faster than usual, desperately hoping to see him waiting for me.
He wasn’t.
I spent the next hour being sad, feeling absolutely destroyed by his rejection.
But then I realized something.
The old Em might just accept his brush-off and deal with it, but the DONC had changed me. It might’ve been a wild time and an absolutely ridiculous day, but living my life for myself had felt good. I’d always lived to please everyone else, but who would ever do what I really wanted, if not me?
It felt a little bit like fate when I was about to enter the library at lunch and Nick came out the very same door. He looked serious and in his own head and didn’t even see me until I said, “Hey, you.”
I turned around so I was walking beside him in his direction. “So did you get detention, too?”
His eyebrows went down just a little, like he was processing my words and sudden appearance, but he didn’t smile. He said, “Not yet.”
“Lucky.” I lightly bumped into his side. “I’m going to have detention for two weeks, but a big part of that is my intercom thing. Apparently I used the A/V equipment to ‘bully another student.’ Can you believe that?”
“Yeah, um, wild.” He stopped walking. “Listen, I’ve got to go that way.” He pointed down the hall to our left. “So, see you later?”
“Sure, later,” I said, but as he walked away, I pushed through people to catch up with him again.
“Nick!”
He looked back at me but kept moving. “Yeah?”
“Are we okay?”
“Um… sure?” His eyebrows went down and he looked at me like I was out of my mind. “I’m kind of in a hurry, so I’ll see you in Chem tomorrow.”
People went around me, bumping and jostling as I just stood there, unmoving. I watched until his head disappeared in the crowd, my heart breaking into a thousand tiny pieces.
“And it didn’t hurt?” Rox was talking about my tattoo as we exited the side door after school. “Man, my mom would kill me if I did what you did.”
“I mean, it did, but it wasn’t too bad.” I pictured Nick in the chair to my left, keeping me company while Dante tattooed me.
“Did Nick Stark hold your hand?” she teased, waggling her eyebrows.
“Shut it,” I joked, but for some reason, I hadn’t told my two best friends about everything that happened. No one but Nick and I could ever understand how one day could be so huge; I wouldn’t have believed it myself before it’d happened, and I wasn’t ready to open it up for discussion.
“She’s so mum about the whole thing.” Chris put on his sunglasses and said, “Part of me thinks something major happened.”
I rolled my eyes but couldn’t find a smile. “Not everyone has a perfect Valentine’s Day with a hottie, Chris.”
Rox said to me, “Can you believe he kissed Alex?”
Chris said, “It was like movie-level shit.”
I was jealous of Chris’s love hangover as I said, “So romantic.”
“Shotgun.” Rox opened the front door of Chris’s car and got in, and I was about to pile in the back when I heard Chris say, “Looks like Em’s tattoo buddy is having car problems.”
I stopped and turned around. The hood to Nick’s truck was up and he was leaning over the side with a can of starter fluid in his hand.
“Screw this.”
“What?” Chris looked at me over his shades.
“Oh—I didn’t mean to say that out loud.” I blinked. “But I deserve a conversation, at least.”
“Em. Um, what?”
Chris and Rox exchanged an is-she-okay look while I unzipped my backpack, pulled out Nick’s big jacket, then dropped the bag onto the ground. “I’ll be right back.”
I walked over to Nick’s truck. “Need me to get in and turn her over?”
He looked up. Swallowed. Said, “Nah, I’m good, but thanks.”
I rolled my eyes. “But if I start it while you hoosh it with fluid, isn’t that way easier?”
“I got it, Emilie.” His voice was clipped, like when I’d asked him about his family after the coffee shop.
“Why are you acting like this? Are you mad at me or something?”
He sighed and shook his head with pursed lips. “No. It’s just—I mean, I told you the other night that I don’t have time for this.”
“For what? I’m not asking you for anything. I offered to help with your—”
“Emilie.” He bit out my name. “It was really fun. It was. A fun day. But it’s a different day now, okay?”
I closed my mouth, mortified. I was about to walk away, but then I changed my mind and said, “So I had an epiphany the other night, after both of my parents screamed at me, grounded me, and vowed to fight to the death in court over who I should live with. Do you know what it was?”
“I don’t—”
“It was that no matter how it turns out—good or bad—I’m going to start living for me and what I want, instead of for other people and what I think they want me to do. Because if I don’t, who will?”
He straightened and put his hands in the pockets of his coat, his face unreadable.
“That day, with you, was incredible. I know you don’t ‘have time’ or want a relationship, and I’m cool with waiting or just being friends. But the DONC was—”
“A fantasy,” Nick said. “It was a mirage, Emilie.”
“So… what? You’re going to avoid happiness completely because it might float away?”
He looked at me for moment before he turned away and said, “I’m just not interested in you that way, okay?”
My brain immediately went to I must have misunderstood—I’m so sorry.
My mouth actually opened to say it.
But I hadn’t misunderstood.
And I wasn’t sorry.
“You can insist on that, Nick,” I said, angry and disappointed that he would rather be a dick to me than be honest with himself. “But I’m not imagining what that day was. Days like that don’t happen, Nick—they don’t. I get why you’re scared to put yourself out there after Eric, but—”
“Please don’t bring my brother into this.”
I pressed my lips together and looked away, frustrated.
He dragged a hand over the top of his head and said, “You don’t know shit about my brother, and you’re using what I told you to convince me—and yourself—that there was more to our skip day than there actually was. I’m sorry to break it to you, Emilie, but the DONC was just a playdate. A day where two people blew off school and screwed around downtown. That’s it.”
“Um, okay, then.” I blinked back big, fat tears of humiliation.
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings, Em, but that’s all it wa—”
“Got it.” I thrust his jacket at him and went back to the car, where Chris and Rox were sitting inside with the windows down, witnessing the entire mortifying rejection. I squeezed into the front seat, and my friends didn’t ask me a single question. Rox put her arm around me, and Chris handed me one of the Kleenex pouches he always kept in his center console.
Just a playdate.
