Michelle’s heart jolted when she heard the front door open and close.
“Daddy’s home.” Precious jumped off her lap and bolted out of the family room. She hadn’t seen her father all day, and even though she was worn out from her day at the park and shopping with Michelle, she’d been fighting sleep until he came home.
Michelle remained where she was, huddled in the corner of the sofa, too scared that her legs would refuse to bear her weight. Stand your ground, she told herself, remembering what Felicia had said. Ever since she’d met Erik’s mother, she’d been rehearsing her explanation speech. Like Felicia and Yasmine had warned, it wasn’t the fact that she’d canceled Precious’ lessons that would upset him, but that she’d done it without consulting him.
She imagined he’d been too upset with her to even come home for dinner. Mrs. Hayes had been in the middle of setting the table when he’d called. He’d asked to speak with Precious, and judging from her responses, Michelle guessed he was asking her about her day’s activities. What was to be a scrumptious meal of stuffed roast chicken and artichokes dipped in butter had felt like wood and sand in Michelle’s mouth.
That was three hours ago. It was now past Precious’ bedtime.
Michelle looked up as father and daughter walked into the room. Erik’s eyes impaled her from about twelve feet away. Michelle stared back with uncertainty, but innate tenacity as she closed the book she’d been reading to Precious and set it on the lamp table.
Dr. Erik LaCrosse was about to find out that she was nothing like his late wife. Cassie LaCrosse may have been afraid of confrontations. Michelle, on the other hand, had been tackling them all her life. She’d never backed down from a fight. You do that in her neighborhood, and people would be standing in line to stomp on you.
She watched as Erik crouched down to his daughter’s eye level and brushed back some unruly curls from her face. “It’s past your bedtime,” he said. “Go to your room. I’ll be up soon to tuck you in.”
“Okay, Daddy.” She yawned and turned to Michelle. “Good night, Michelle. I had a lot of fun today. Can we go to the park again, tomorrow?”
“We’ll see. Sleep tight, honey. See you in the morning.” Michelle prayed she wouldn’t have to break that promise as she watched Precious leave. She pushed to her feet as Erik strode toward her.
“Do you have any idea how worried I was when I couldn’t get a hold of you today? I called home several times and all Mrs. Hayes knew was that you’d taken my daughter to Manchester. Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
Michelle swallowed. “I’m sorry you were worried, Erik, but I called the hospital and they told me you were in surgery. I left a message. As to my phone, I forgot to charge it last night and it died. I’m sorry,” she reiterated.
“You’re sorry. You’re sorry.” The muscles in his neck pulsed with barely contained anger. “Who do you think you are to be changing Precious’ schedule on your first day here? You are her nanny, not her mother.”
“Erik, I know I’m not Precious’ mother and I’m not trying to replace her, either. But come on, you really think one missed piano lesson and two hours of reading for one day is going to have a lasting negative effect on her?”
“That’s beside the point, Michelle. You don’t make decisions for my daughter. You follow the ones I give you, not defy them. She’s my child! Not yours!”
“It doesn’t matter whose child she is, Erik. The important thing is that she is a child. One from whom you expect too much. You’ve overloaded her with swimming, dance, equestrian, and music lessons. The child doesn’t even have a day off to relax and be a kid. And now you went and signed her up for the summer theater—acting lessons. She doesn’t want to be an actress. She just wants to be a kid.”
His hands balled into fists and his jaw muscles twitched. “Precious enjoys all those activities.”
“She hates them. The only thing she likes is ballet, and maybe music. She’s afraid of horses. Did you know that?”
He stiffened as though she’d struck him.
Michelle wanted to point out that Precious was not Cassie, but thought the sound of his beloved wife’s name falling from her lips at a time like this would be a grave mistake. “You made up this itinerary to keep Precious out of your hair,” she said. “She goes along to keep you happy.”
“I don’t want my daughter growing up without focus and discipline like you. And how dare you take her to that neighborhood of yours? You know what kind of…” His voice trailed off.
Michelle winced at the implications in the unspoken yet hurtful words, but decided to let it go. It was time for the doctor to face himself, deal with the real issue that was eating him up. She really didn’t want to cause him more pain or guilt. God knows he had enough to last him a lifetime, but Precious was a powerless child and somebody had to fight for her. Holly, according to Felicia, was too chicken to do it.
Michelle realized that he might fire her when he heard what she had to say. If that was the case, then so be it, because she knew in her heart she could not do a good job at taking care of Precious if things remained the way they were.
Michelle wrapped her arms about her stomach to stop the panic rioting inside her. Her voice shook as she spoke. “Erik, I know you think that what you’re doing is best for your daughter, but apart from last night, have you really spent any quality time with Precious since her mother died?”
“I have a demanding career. I don’t have much time to spend with her. That’s why I hired a nanny. I was just lucky my phone didn’t ring during the play last night.”
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Precious lost her mother and she’s scared she’s losing you, too.” Michelle knew exactly how Precious felt. She and Robert had done everything to win their father’s attention after their mother died. But it was never enough. If it weren’t for good neighbors like Mrs. Hayes and Yasmine’s parents, she probably wouldn’t have even survived infancy.
“You don’t understand.” He grated out between clenched teeth. “Cassie was my life, and some drunk came along and took her away from me. I’m doing the best I can.”
“Why don’t you stop feeling sorry for yourself, Erik, and concentrate on your daughter? Yes, your wife is gone, but your daughter is alive, and she needs you. Stop wallowing in self-pity and guilt and show her how much you love her.”
His chest rose and fell and his eyes glowed like a furnace. “Don’t you dare tell me how to deal with my grief. You have no idea what I’m going through. This pain, this guilt are eating me up inside and there’s no one I can talk to.”
Michelle knew she’d struck a raw nerve—probably one that hadn’t been touched for two years. She longed to tell him that he had her, that he could talk to her, but Precious was her primary concern. If she could just get Precious’ life straightened out, she would make time for Erik, she swore in her heart.
“Did you know?” she said in a strangled voice, “that the day your wife died, she was upset with Precious because she’d lost something dear to her.”
His eyes clouded. “What are you talking about?”
Michelle paused, not wanting to go on, but knowing she had to. He needed to know how his daughter felt about him. It was the only way to bridge the distance between them. The truth hurt, but she knew it could also heal the pain inside them both. She shoved her hand in the pocket of her shorts. “Here,” she said pulling it out, and opening her palm.
He snatched the pink diamond bracelet from her hand. “Where did you get this?”
“From Precious. She has this little box where she keeps—things. I saw the bracelet when she opened the box to store my lucky penny.”
He spread the bracelet in his palm and held it under the light of the table lamp. It shimmered, shooting rays of pink across the room. “I’ve been looking for this. It’s the last Mother’s Day gift I gave to Cassie.” His eyes came back to her face. “Precious had it all this time?”
Michelle nodded. “That day, Precious took some of her mother’s jewelry from her closet to play dress up with her dolls. Apparently, your wife wanted to wear the bracelet to the party that night, and when she realized that Precious had lost it, she told her she was grounded until she found it.”
Michelle swallowed back a choke as he fisted his hand around the piece of jewelry and brought it against his chest. “Your wife left home that night very upset with your daughter, which is quite understandable under normal circumstances,” Michelle continued in as tranquil a voice as possible. “But, Precious never saw her again, Erik. She thinks it’s her fault that her mother left. She thinks she was a bad girl. That’s why she does everything you ask. She thinks if she makes you angry, you’ll leave, too. She tries so hard to please you, but you make it so difficult for her. She’s just a little girl who needs her daddy’s attention!”
The last statement was hurled from a place deep inside Michelle’s heart. A place where she’d lived as a child, constantly trying to please her father, but getting nowhere. Tears pooled in her eyes for the desperate child upstairs and the half-broken man standing in front of her.
His fist dropped to his side. “How could I have not known? Why didn’t she tell me?”
Michelle heard the anguish in his tortured voice. Her heart ached for him like it had never ached for another living soul. She took a step toward him, wanting to offer him comfort just as she’d done last night when he’d told her about the night his wife died in his arms. “Because she was afraid, Erik. She thought you’d be angry. If I can help you—”
“Help me? You can’t help me.” He stumbled backward, his huge body shaking uncontrollably. “Just… go. Leave me alone.”
Michelle staggered blindly out of the room, not knowing whether or not she still had a job.
Erik closed his eyes and grabbed the back of the sofa to stop the trembling. His gut crunched painfully. He opened his mouth and took deep breaths into his constricted lungs, then fell to the floor, his head bowed in misery. He wept inside, but didn’t shed a single tear. How could he have been so blind to his baby’s pain?
Michelle was right for accusing him of being a neglectful father who was wallowing in self-pity and guilt.
Damn her for being right.
The truth hurt like hell. For two years he’d hidden behind his grief, afraid to face his loss because the future had seemed so bleak without his wife. He’d tried to imagine that it was just a long bad dream and that Cassie would come back to him. He’d told himself that she was on an extended vacation and that life would return to normal after she came home and they resolved that last stupid argument.
But she wasn’t coming home. She was gone forever. He’d spent two years feeling sorry for himself, and denied his daughter the only other parent she had.
It had taken Michelle Carter, a girl from the wrong side of Manchester’s tracks, to yank him out of his trance. Damn her! He slammed his elbows into the back of the sofa. Damn her for slapping him with the truth, for forcing him to face reality, to do what Cassie had asked as he’d held her bleeding mangled body in his arms on that dark horrible night.
“Oh, Erik, you know how I hate tears. Don’t cry, darling. Just live. Live, and take care of our baby. Love her, Erik. Love her for me. Tell her I’m sorry for—”
Cassie’s last unfinished request pierced him cruelly. All this time he thought Cassie had asked him to tell Precious she was sorry for leaving her, when in fact she’d been sorry for being angry at her. And all this time, Precious thought it was her fault her mother wasn’t here.
God, it was nobody’s fault but his. His alone.
Erik pushed off the floor and climbed the stairs two at a time, and headed in the direction of Precious’ room. Her door was ajar and the light from the hall fell across her small form. Erik felt a tightening in his chest as he gazed at his child.
She was so beautiful and innocent. She shouldn’t be saddled with the guilt of her mother’s death. No child should. He’d spent two years wallowing in his own guilt when he should have been there for her, absorbing her pain, getting to know her the way her mother knew her. He was the only parent she had, and he’d let her down. Cassie must be so disappointed in him.
Erik moved closer to the bed where she lay with Bradie clutched in her arms. His jaws flinched when he saw the white streaks on her cheeks. She’d been crying. God, he hoped she hadn’t heard his argument with Michelle. As angry as he’d been, he’d tried to keep his voice low so it wouldn’t carry up the stairs.
Erik sat on the side of the bed and picked up her limp, warm body. He laid her across his lap, cradling her head against his chest. Unbidden tears rolled down his cheeks and melted into her head of tangled curls. He just held her, and allowed the essence of her innocent childhood to seep under his skin, melt his pain.
“I’m sorry, Precious. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. It’s not your fault, Muffin. Your mommy loved you very much. That was the last thing she said to me. She asked me to take care of you, and I haven’t been doing that, have I? Baby, I promise I’ll try from now on. I’ll do my best to love you the way she did.”
Precious stirred and clutched the front of his shirt. “Mommy.”
Erik held his breath, his heart racing in his chest. “Precious,” he whispered.
“Daddy.”
“Yes, baby. It’s daddy.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.”
He gazed into her face. Her eyes were still closed. Was she dreaming or did she know he was actually holding her? Dreaming or not, her words sent a feeling of genuine filial warmth rushing through Erik’s heart. Something he hadn’t felt for a long, long time.
***
The sounds of laughter caught Erik’s attention as he came down the stairs. He followed it to the family room where he found Michelle and Precious on a couple of oversized pillows on the floor in front of the wall-mounted TV.
With mild interest, he noted the contrast of Michelle’s short black hair to his daughter’s long brown mane. They were both wearing white shorts and cotton tops. New clothes, he noted with a smile, glad that Michelle had something new, something of her own to wear.
Watching them brought back memories of coming home to find Cassie and Precious sprawled on the floor—sometimes reading, sometimes playing a board game, sometimes having tea with her dolls, and sometimes watching TV. And just as Michelle was enjoying Bugs Bunny—Precious’ favorite cartoon—so had Cassie.
He wasn’t sure what to make of his comparisons between his wife and his daughter’s new nanny. He never had the same thoughts about Holly even though she’d participated in the same activities with Precious. Perhaps his feelings were derived from the fact that Precious had taken to Michelle like lightening to a rod when it had taken her weeks to warm up to Holly. His daughter had known Michelle for exactly one day and she’d already shared her heart’s deepest fears and secrets with her—fears and secrets she couldn’t share with him—her own father.
He, too, had succumbed to the magical spell of this beautiful woman when he’d told her about Cassie just hours after they’d met. Then last night, she’d made him face his own harrowing fears. There was no denying it: there was something special about Michelle.
Was she an angel?
A wistful expression crowded his face as he wondered if Precious remembered him holding her last night. He dreaded their impending talk about the day her mother died, but he knew it had to be done today if their relationship was to improve. He couldn’t have his daughter carrying the guilt of her mother’s death or worrying about him leaving her any longer.
Bang! Bang! Michelle and Precious roared with laughter as Elmer Fudd fired his shotgun only to discover that the mischievous rabbit had bent the barrel backward so it went off in the hunter’s face. Erik found himself grinning as well.
As his eyes fixated on Michelle’s firm buttocks, slim hips, and a narrow waist he could easily span with his hands, his grin faded. Bolts of lightning shot through his veins as he imagined her sleek thighs and long smooth brown legs wrapped around his waist. The woman was temptation, personified. And she made him hard and hot and heavy. Erik knew his feelings went far beyond the physical when he found himself imagining a little boy with short black hair and black eyes lying beside Michelle and his daughter.
“Hey you two,” he said, walking into the room. He needed something—anything—to derail those dangerous thoughts.
Precious jumped up and ran over to wrap her arms around his thighs. She gazed up at him with excitement. “We’re watching Bugs Bunny. You wanna watch him with us, Daddy?”
“In a little while, dear. You and I need to have a talk, first.”
Erik’s eyes followed Michelle’s movements as she uncurled from the pillow and rose to her feet. When her gaze locked with his, he saw the uncertainty in her eyes. After last night, the tension between them was understandably tenuous. It wouldn’t take much to shatter it completely.
“I’ll go… for a walk or something,” she said heading toward the door.
It was Saturday, and Mrs. Hayes was off for the weekend. Holly used to have every other weekend off, depending on his schedule. She would have been free today, thus Michelle was free. But he wanted to keep her around. He told himself it was because it was her third day on the job, and she needed to get used to her new routine, but his heart knew better.
“Wait, Michelle. After my talk with Precious, I’d like to take us out to breakfast, that is if you have no other plans.”
“You don’t have to, Erik. I’m—”
“It’s a peace offering after last night.” He wanted to apologize for the insensitive words he’d said to her, but couldn’t do so in front of Precious. She’d done him a wealth of good. He wondered how he could ever repay her.
She nodded her head in acknowledgment then left him alone with his daughter.
“I had a dream last night, Daddy.” Precious jumped on his lap the minute he dropped onto the sofa.
“Was it good, or bad?”
“Good, Daddy. If it was bad then it would be a nightmare.”
“You’re so wise.” He nudged her nose with his. “So what did you dream about? Me?”
She laughed. “No. I dreamt about Mommy. She was brushing her hair and I was putting on all her jewelry in her jewelry box. She said I looked pretty. And then she said she loved me.”
Erik’s heart stopped for a minute and he tightened his hold on her. She must have heard Michelle tell him about the lost bracelet then cried herself to sleep. Erik was not a superstitious man, but something told him that Cassie had seen her daughter’s pain and had visited her dreams to comfort her. “And she does love you, honey,” he said, his voice cracking a little.
“Even in heaven?”
“Even in heaven.” He took a deep breath, and cradling her face in his hand, he gazed into her eyes. “Michelle told me what happened the day Mommy died. It wasn’t your fault, Precious. You had nothing to do with what happened to her. You must always remember that she did love you, very much. You were the most important thing in the world to her. The last thing she said to me was how much she loved you.”
“She did?”
“Yes. Would you like to have this?” He placed the bracelet in her hand. “It was your mother’s favorite and I’m sure she would love for you to have it.”
Tears gathered in her eyes as she stared at the bracelet glittering against her palm. “I’m sorry I took it, and made Mommy mad.”
Erik pulled her close. “It’s okay, baby. Mommy isn’t mad anymore. And, Precious,” he continued, “I am not going anywhere. I will always be here for you.” Erik prayed in his heart that he wasn’t making a promise he couldn’t keep. But the child needed to be reassured that she had one parent she could count on. “If you ever think I’m being too hard on you, I want you to tell me. I won’t get upset and I won’t leave you. Okay?” He searched her face for an inkling of understanding.
“Okay, Daddy. You know what else?” she said after a brief pause.
Her brown eyes beamed with excitement, touching Erik in the deepest part of his soul. “What else?”
“Last night I dreamt you came into my room, and you were holding me, and you told me you loved me.”
“I had that very same dream, Precious.”
“Oh, Daddy. We were in each other’s dreams.” She pressed her lips against her father’s cheek then wrapped her arms around his neck.
“We will always be in each other’s dreams, my darling Precious. Always. Now, where would you like to go for breakfast?” he asked as he set her on the floor.
“McDonald’s.”
“Oh, Precious…”
“But, I love the pancakes.”
Erik grimaced, getting to his feet. “Go get Michelle. She’ll be delighted to know I’m taking her to McDonald’s on our first date.”
As Precious ran in search of Michelle, Erik pondered on his choice of words. Date? Did he actually say, date?
He went into the study, got his cell from his desk and slipped it into his shirt pocket. On his way out, he stopped at the door and gazed up at the picture of his wife. He instantly felt like a traitor for even thinking about taking another woman out for a simple breakfast.
“I’m just thanking her for bringing me to my senses about our little girl. You understand, right?” he said to the portrait.
He waited as if he expected a response. “I’m not breaking any rules,” he continued as the two-year-old conversation between his wife and his best friend surfaced in his mind, reluctantly pulling him back into his friend’s kitchen that awful night.
“You have to tell Erik, Cassie. Tonight. I can’t keep lying to him. He’s my best friend.”
“I can’t, Clay. It will kill him. I can’t hurt him like that. He loves me so much.”
“Yes, he does love you. And it will break his heart, but he’ll… he’ll heal. He’ll forgive you and move on. He’ll still have Precious and—”
Unable to take any more, Erik barged into the kitchen. “What the hell is going on here? Are you two having an affair?”
Both Cassie and Clayton jumped at the sound of his voice. Cassie, being Cassie, just stood there, looking all sweet and innocent, staring at him with her big brown eyes and ringing her hands while Clayton immediately confronted him.
“Damn it, Erik. What the hell kind of question is that?”
He collared his best friend. “I heard you tell her that she has to tell me. I knew there was something going on between the two of you. All the secret stares when you think I’m not watching, the secret meetings of late—”
“Stop it, Erik,” Cassie begged. “Just stop it, please.”
And true to her character, Cassie ran out into the night through the back door.
He’d found her standing beside their car, crying. It was the second time he’d seen his wife cry in all the years he’d known her. The first was when she’d held their newborn daughter in her arms for the first time.
After Cassie’s death, he’d asked Clayton about the conversation he’d overheard. His friend had just looked at him and said, “What does it matter now? Cassie is dead. Let it go, Erik.”
Then Clayton, whom he’d known since med school, pulled up his roots and left New Hampshire. Erik had no idea where he’d gone. It was just as well. He really didn’t want answers to the questions in his head. He’d taken Clayton’s advice and let it go, that is, until now. Could it be that he wanted the truth now that he’d met a woman to whom he was potently attracted? Was he looking for closure so he could move on?
Erik closed the door, shutting out the ghosts of his past. As he walked down the hall, he knew he would have to face them again. He wasn’t looking forward to it. Not in the least.
