Otto’s favorite shirt has a giraffe on it. The giraffe is wearing roller skates. It’s getting too small for him now, the sleeves exposing most of his wrists now, but he loves it so much that I can’t bear to throw it away.
So I fold it with the rest of the clothes. Donovan and I sit side by side on the love seat, a pile of clean laundry between us, and we’re stacking neat, folded piles on the table.
I told him he doesn’t have to help—but Donovan does it anyway. The truth is, the repetitive motions help. Last night weighs on my mind. I can’t stop thinking about how Jason confessed his love, so openly and warmly. And how, the second he said it, it wasn’t joy that filled my heart, but fear.
“Can I ask you something?” I say to Donovan.
“Go ahead.”
I hesitate, and then I just come out with it: “Do I have a heart?”
His eyes arch. “That’s your question?”
“Humor me.”
He scoffs on a laugh. “No. You’re a cold, soulless queen like me. It’s why we get along so well.”
My face goes hot. I snatch up a pile of shirts and stand up with them. “Asshole.”
I don’t get far, though. Donovan leaps up after me and grabs my arm. “Hey. What’s wrong with you?”
Those dark eyes ground me. I feel my anger crest and topple down. “What if…Jason hates me when he finds out I’m…heartless. That’s why he left Nadine, isn’t it?”
“He left Nadine for a lot of reasons,” Donovan reasons.
“He’s so…open. True.” The backs of my eyes sting. I have to put the stack of clothes back down. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, doing my best to stave off the sudden wave of sadness. “And all I do is keep secrets. He told me he loved me last night. And I froze. I feel like such a heartless bitch.”
“Hold on,” Donovan says. He touches my throat, running two fingers up and pressing in underneath my jaw. “Here. You do have a heart. I can feel your pulse. And that’s coming from a doctor, so you know it’s true.”
We’re close like this. His dark eyes look so earnest. Have I ever noticed how beautiful those eyes are?
Like caramel. So easy to fall into.
I find myself falling. Leaning in closer. He does the same, his breath on my lips, when…
“Mummy?”
We pull apart. Otto stands there, rocket ship pajamas on.
Quickly, I go into mom mode and put on a smile. “Hey, buddy. Couldn’t sleep?”
But his expression makes my stomach clench. He looks confused, like someone who’s woken up from sleepwalking. “I…think I had an accident,” he says.
But when he steps closer, my heart drops.
His pants are wet, but they’re stained the color of rust. Like blood.
Immediately, I scoop him up into my arms. “You’re okay,” I reassure him. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I’ve got the car,” Donovan says and snatches up the keys.
Donovan is the one who gives me the news.
Donovan: “His kidneys are shutting down.”
Me: “But I thought the dialysis was working?”
Donovan: “It was. But it only slows the process down—it doesn’t cure him. Unfortunately, the damage to his kidneys was already extensive when he got here.”
Me: “So what’s the next step?”
Donovan: “He needs a transplant. We’ve got him on the list, but…there’s no saying when he’ll get a match for sure. Until then, we’ll keep him on dialysis. He needs to stay here for a couple of nights for observation.”
Me: “Okay.”
Donovan: “It’s okay to be scared.”
But I don’t feel scared. I don’t feel anything.
My soul is ice water, and I’m a million miles under the sea.
