has got me so far out of my comfort zone that I can’t even fucking see it. I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff, about to do an epic faceplant onto the ground. But the only way out is through, and it’s on me to get us there. I can man up and give Violet what she needs. What she deserves, frankly.
Violet blinks up at me, her blue eyes glistening. A lone tear slips out, rolling down her cheek, and I brush it away with my thumb.
“Good tears or not, I wish I could stop making you cry so much.”
She sniffles, looking away as she pulls the blanket higher around her waist. “It’s nice to know the other night wasn’t just about sex to you, that’s all. It meant something to me, but I wasn’t sure . . .”
“For the record, it has never been ‘just sex’ with you,“ I tell her, gently angling her face back up to mine. “Sex makes me feel closer to you, sure. But you could remove it from the equation, and I would still want to be around you all the time.”
“You would?”
“Of course.” I love spending time with Violet. She’s one of the only people on the planet who doesn’t annoy the shit out of me.
She studies me, and her forehead crinkles like she’s searching for an answer to something she hasn’t yet asked. Her pink tongue darts out, moistening her lips, but she doesn’t say anything. My heart clenches until my ribs ache, praying this doesn’t turn into a repeat of what happened at Fall Fest. If she bails on me again, I’ll be fucking gutted.
“Talk to me, Vi,” I say hoarsely.
Her throat bobs with a swallow. “I want to be with you, but I’m afraid you’re going to pull back like you did last time.”
Even though I know that won’t happen, I can understand why she’s worried. Difference is, I’m better at compartmentalizing Doug now. Not perfect, but I won’t let him fuck with my head when it comes to Violet again.
My father chuckled, pushing away his empty dinner plate. “You have a girlfriend? You can’t be that stupid.”
“What’s the issue?” I asked, fighting to keep my voice level. Coming home for winter break was a mistake. Should have taken Grant up on his offer to hit up his parents’ cabin in Aspen. Snowboarding and chilling in a hot tub would have been better than dealing with Doug for five days. But he’d cut me off in a heartbeat if I even seriously considered doing that, so here I was.
“You need to focus on hockey, not some puck bunny.”
My hands clenched into fists beneath the wooden table. “Violet isn’t a puck bunny.” This was why I didn’t want to tell him. And I didn’t—but privacy wasn’t a thing in this house, and he overheard me talking to her on the phone.
“You don’t think she actually likes you, do you? Don’t be naïve, Nash.” He tsked behind his glass of whiskey. “What have I always taught you? Women look at hockey players and see fame and dollar signs.”
There was a kernel of truth to this. At eighteen, I’d already been surrounded by fake friends and jersey chasers for several years. That’s how I knew Violet wasn’t one of them.
“I get your concern,” I said evenly, “but she isn’t like that.”
His expression hardened as he assessed me. Not like a parent looking at their child, but like someone evaluating a defective product.
“Guess this explains how poorly you’ve been showing up in your games. I thought you were serious about making it, but apparently not.”
“I am serious.” Why else would I have made hockey my entire life? Ever since I got to college, I’d been killing myself on the ice. While Coach Ward was thrilled with my progress, Doug was impossible to please.
He pushed his chair back, shaking his head. “Your priorities are out of order, son. No wonder you got passed up in the draft.”
After five days of being torn down from morning until midnight, I arrived back at college in a full-on tailspin. Then, stupidly, I sabotaged myself until I ran our relationship right into the ground. But I won’t fuck this up twice. I won’t let myself.
Shoving down the bitter memory, I take Violet’s hand and press a kiss to the heel of her palm. “Let me caveat this by saying, this isn’t an excuse. What I did was shitty, but things were different back then. I was young and immature. And honestly, I got scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Lots of things. Fucking it up. Not living up to what you needed. Losing you.” Her expression remains curious, lacking any judgment, and it gives me the courage I need to keep talking. “I know none of this makes sense when I say it out loud because it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m working on it. Not saying it’s fixed, but I understand it a little better now, and that’s the first step.”
Surprise flickers across her face. “Working on it? What do you mean?”
An imaginary fist winds around my throat, constricting my airway until I can barely breathe.
“In therapy,” I finally force out. It’s amazing how uttering a few simple words can be more difficult than any physical feat. “Coach sent me after my injury because I wasn’t coping well. Hockey is my outlet for things, and I was a little lost without it.”
We may never touch on the parts of therapy that involve Doug. I try to shelter Violet from his existence as much as humanly possible.
Violet nods slowly. “How do you know you’re not going to get scared again?” Her voice is so gentle, it almost hurts. She’s always been good to me, even when I don’t deserve it.
“I’m scared now,” I admit. “But I’m here, and that part won’t change.”
Scooting closer, she presses a soft kiss to my cheek. This time, she turns my face to hers, her expression uncharacteristically stern. “If this is going to work, I need you to be honest with me and tell me if there’s a problem instead of withdrawing.”
“I will. But speaking of problems, I need you to handle something for me.”
“What’s that?”
An undercurrent of irritation flickers within me at the memory of the bus ride home. “You need to deal with Preston because if he touches you like that again, I’m going to break his fingers, and that might interfere with his career plans.”
“Touches me?” Her forehead crinkles in confusion. “You mean, on the bus? Preston was trying to make me feel better so I didn’t throw up all over the aisle. For everyone’s sake. He wasn’t doing anything different than Claire or Julianna would have.”
Cute that she thinks that, but I know how guys operate. He saw an opening, and he took it.
“I’m serious, Vi. Dude needs to be set straight. If you won’t, I will, and I won’t be nearly as nice as you.”
It isn’t that I think he has a shot. It’s the fact that he thinks he has a shot that bothers me.
Violet gives me a withering look. “I assure you, it’s not a thing. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll talk to him. In fact, I was trying to talk to him at Fall Fest until someone interrupted us.”
“Don’t regret it, and I’d do it again.”
“I know.” She laughs. “That’s the problem.”
I trace her bottom lip with my index finger. “To be fair, I really wanted to dance with you.”
Placing a hand on her upper back, I ease her down against the pillows. Her blonde hair spills across the white fabric as she looks up at me, her pink lips slightly parted. While sex wasn’t my goal tonight, I can’t stop myself from leaning in for a brief, candy-flavored kiss.
When we pull apart, vulnerability gleams in her blue eyes.
“Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Never been more sure of anything in my life,” I tell her.
