After finally making my way into the bathroom, I gave myself a moment to get my shit together and muster the courage to go back out to Hayden. He constantly catches me off guard and throws me off-balance. I don’t know where the future is headed with him, but I think it’s time we finally have an honest talk.
It’s time we cut the bullshit we’ve been feeding each other and ourselves. At this point, we’re just feeding each other lies and we’re swallowing them whole like we’re famished.
I don’t know where this will go or how it will end up, but we can’t keep playing this charade. If we keep going the way we are, it’s definitely going to end badly. If we can get ahead of the heartbreak and possibly soften the blow, then that’s what I want to do. I’m not sure I want to admit my feelings out loud, but I can’t keep hiding them.
If Hayden King is going to call me his girl, then he needs to make me his girl. Officially.
As I push my way out of the bathroom, the line is even longer than when I first came over here. It’s insane how packed the bar is, but then again, we are in a college town and it is a Saturday night. Not to mention all of the people who are here with our group.
The only thing that matters right now is getting back to Hayden… and sneaking him into my hotel room.
Walking through the bar, the air leaves my lungs as I catch sight of Hayden. He doesn’t see me as my feet become cemented to the floor. I feel like I can’t breathe, my throat constricting as nausea rolls in the pit of my stomach. Some girl is on Hayden’s lap, in his face talking to him.
My heart sinks as I notice the jersey and remember it. It’s the girl I ran into after the game—the one who had his old jersey on.
Whoever she is, she must be from Hayden’s past. And with the way his hands are gripping her hips, they seem like they’re well acquainted with one another. I don’t know who she is and in this moment, it’s irrelevant.
Whoever she is, she can fucking have him.
Usually, I wouldn’t be the one who would just give in like this, but I’m waving my flag and hanging up my hat. It breaks my heart and I feel like I could vomit. It’s my own fault for believing that Hayden could be different, that his reputation wasn’t who he really is. I fucked up by letting him in when I knew I was going to get hurt in the end.
I just wasn’t expecting this.
And I wasn’t expecting it to hurt this badly.
Turning my back to the train wreck that was unfolding under my gaze, I don’t bother going to any of the other guys. My eyes burn with the tears I’m trying to hold back. I can’t let any of them see me fall apart again. Sterling told me to stay away from Hayden and I should have listened to him.
Hell, I should have listened to my gut instinct. I was stupid and I let Hayden get under my skin. I’m the one who let him in when I should have kept him out. I’m at a loss for thoughts and feelings right now. The emotion is taking its toll on me and I can’t even decipher what I’m really feeling.
Betrayal. Hurt. Devastation. And embarrassment.
It’s like everyone else knew and could see this coming, yet I was too stubborn to listen to anyone. I knew what I was getting myself into the moment I let him into my life. How could I have truly believed I wouldn’t grow attached to him?
Stepping out into the night, the cold air practically slaps me across the face. Normally I would be freezing with the way the wind whips around, but I’m already numb. The cold doesn’t bother me, because that’s exactly what I want to feel. I want to feel the ice sliding over my heart, protecting me from the outside elements.
I walk around the building, back to where the parking lot is. It doesn’t take me long to find my car. I had planned on leaving it here if I drank too much and just Ubering back to the hotel, but that isn’t a concern anymore. I didn’t even have a chance to be here long enough to get drunk.
As I sit down in my car, the seat is cold against my clothing. I slide the key into the ignition and twist it as I turn the engine on. The picture has been burned into my memory. Hayden sitting there with another girl on his lap, wearing his name on her back. I can’t fight the tears any longer as I let my head hang. My hands grip the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white from how tight I’m holding on as sobs tear through my body.
Holding on to the steering wheel as if it’s my life raft, I succumb to the sadness and the pain that lances my heart. There was a time where I would have gladly drowned in Hayden’s ocean.
Now, I’m just floating. Lost and alone at sea, with nothing to anchor my soul.
After letting myself have a few moments of breaking down, I quickly gather myself together, feeling the iciness settling inside my heart. Hayden solidified why I don’t let anyone get close. And I will never make the same fucking mistake again.
Pulling my car out of the lot, I leave the bar in my rearview mirror as I head down the street. My hotel is only a short drive from where we were, but I still speed there as if the car is on fire. There’s a strange anxiety that is now rushing through my system. I need to get out of here and get home as soon as I can.
I can’t be here, not where he is. Not after what I just saw.
It’s better if I just quietly pack up my things and go. We don’t have to do any kind of fighting or breaking up type of scenario. We were never together; there was never a relationship that was defined between us. We just fucked around and I caught feelings, like a goddamn idiot.
I need to put as much distance as I can between Hayden and me.
And then I can move toward forgetting this ever happened…
