“—and another thing,” my mother is saying. “I am so tired of hearing about your life from Regina, of all people. It’s embarrassing, Noah. If it weren’t for that daughter of hers being as gossipy as her mother, I wouldn’t know anything! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you put in your resignation. Were you just going to hop over to New Mexico without even saying good-bye?”
Given the way that my mother has been grilling me for the last ten minutes, I decide it’s probably a bad idea to tell her that, yes, that’s likely what I was going to do. Mostly to avoid a conversation like this while I’m still nursing my Mackenzie-related wounds.
“It all happened very fast,” I tell her, trying to placate her a little. “It’s been a bit of a whirlwind.”
“You still could have made time to pick up the phone,” she tuts. “We could have thrown you a going-away party.”
Definitely not in the mood for a party right now.
“It’s fine, Mom. Really. You can come visit when I’m settled.”
“You’re damn right, I will,” she snorts.
“Language,” I remind her, earning myself another curse.
“And what about Mackenzie? What happened to trying for more?”
I wonder if there will ever be a time when thinking about her doesn’t make my chest hurt. I pause from folding my shirts, taking a deep breath. “It didn’t work out.”
“ ‘It didn’t work out,’ ” she echoes blandly. “That sounds like a crock of shit to me.”
I shut my eyes, sighing. “It wasn’t a real relationship, Mom.”
Will I have to have this conversation with everyone in my life?
I’m suddenly very grateful that my personal circle is very small.
“Don’t give me that,” Mom says with accusation in her tone. “We both know there was more to it than that.”
“Yeah, well.” I throw the shirt I was folding onto the couch, using more force than I need to. “That’s how it goes sometimes.”
“You can talk to me, you know,” she says more gently. “You’re never too old to lean on your mother.”
“I’m fine,” I lie. “I just have a lot to do before the move.”
“Was the hospital sorry to take your resignation?”
“They did offer me a significant raise to stay, but I think this will be a better opportunity.”
Another lie. There is no better opportunity for me that doesn’t include Mackenzie.
“I just hate that you’re moving so far away. You’re going to be all on your own.”
“I’m used to it,” I mumble.
“Well, you shouldn’t be,” she sighs. “I worry about you so much, son. You’re nearing forty, and you still have no one to come home to. I don’t want you to work yourself into an early, lonely grave.”
My mother can’t possibly know how much this conversation is making everything I’m feeling a hundred times worse, and I’m struggling to keep my emotions in check. If she finds out how badly I’m doing right now, I’ll never hear the end of it.
“Really, Mom. I’m fine with the way things are. I like my life.”
Fucking liar, I think miserably. You only thought you did.
“Well. I’m just saying, you could—”
A knock at my door means that I miss the rest of what she’s saying, stepping back to peer down the hallway warily. There isn’t a single person who comes to mind who would be coming to visit me, save for maybe Paul—but even that seems unlikely.
“—someday you’re going to look back and wish that you—”
“Just one second, Mom,” I mutter into the phone.
I don’t think she actually hears me, because I can still hear her ranting even when I hold the phone away from my ear and start down the hall. There’s another knock as I approach, one that is more insistent than the first, and I glance at the clock on the wall to notice it’s nearly ten o’clock, so even a package delivery doesn’t make sense. Not that I was expecting one. I reach for the handle just as a third knock sounds, one that’s practically a fist beating at the wood, pulling open the door and nearly dropping my phone entirely when I see who’s standing there.
It takes me several seconds to remember how to form words, but then: “Mackenzie?”
Her hair is wild, almost like she’s been running, and she appears out of breath, her eyes bright but hard under her knitted brow. I notice she’s still in her scrubs, which makes no sense, given that she got off hours ago. Which I know. Because I still know her schedule. Like a pathetic weirdo. She looks almost angry, pointing a finger at me.
“You’re a fucking liar, Noah Taylor.”
I rear back, thrown for a loop. I don’t know what I expected her to say, but that was definitely not it. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. I can’t believe you would—” She notices the phone in my hand. “Are you on the phone with someone?”
“Shit.” I remember my mother, who is still lecturing me, oblivious to the fact that I haven’t been listening. I put the phone back to my ear, cutting her off. “Mom, I’m going to have to call you back.”
“I’m not falling for that! You and I both know you won’t—”
“Talk soon,” I say, still addled.
I put my phone in my pocket slowly after I hang up, still reeling from the angry woman standing on my porch. “Did you want to come in to yell at me?”
“Oh.” She looks less irate for a moment. “Yes. Sorry.”
She walks right past me without sparing me a second glance, and I shut the door slowly behind her, wondering if I’ve finally lost it. Maybe this entire thing is a hallucination. When I find her in the middle of my living room—her arms are crossed as she regards me irritably, tapping her foot.
“How could you lie to me?”
“Mackenzie, I . . .” I’m torn between utter confusion and elation that she’s here. That she’s within reach, for however brief a time. Fuck. Her scent is thick with her anger, and I have to resist the urge to close my eyes and inhale deeply, knowing that would most likely worsen her mood. “I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”
“Dennis threatened you. Didn’t he.”
My mouth falls open, and I lose every reason why my lie was so important as I’m left stunned. “How did you . . . ?”
“I knew it.” She claps her hands together, looking like she’s just solved a very complicated puzzle. “That little fucker. He turned you in to the board, and then when he heard Parker and me talking the other day, he must have put two and two together, and then he—” She looks almost contrite. “I’d completely forgotten, it was the day that I went into heat, and I was feeling so awful, and he walked up while Parker was laying into me for letting myself get too close to you, and I just . . . forgot.”
“Wait. Parker thought you were getting too close to me?”
She scoffs. “That’s your takeaway?”
“I’m sorry, I . . . I am very confused right now.”
“About which part, Noah?” She takes a step, poking a finger into my chest. All I can think about is how happy I am that she’s touching me again. “About the fact that you lied to me? How you broke my damned heart because you didn’t trust me enough to tell me that Dennis was threatening you?”
I blink, still reeling. “I broke your heart?”
“Do you want me to beat you up? Is that it? I don’t care how big you are, I swear I will—”
“How did you find out?”
“Parker. He told me Dennis has been researching alpha shit for months. I put two and two together, and I knew something had to be up. When we broke into his computer, we found pictures he’d taken on his phone of the results of one of your physicals, which you’d left on your desk. I guess that’s how he found out.”
“You broke into his computer?”
She throws up her hands. “Why are you focusing on all the wrong things?”
“So Dennis turned me in?”
“I mean, are you surprised? That weasel has been gunning for your job for forever, right? It’s not that much of a stretch that he’d be the most likely candidate to sabotage you like that.”
“I can’t believe it,” I breathe. “I knew he hated me, but I never thought he’d go snooping through my office like that.”
“What he did was a crime, Noah. We can get him on a HIPAA violation at the very least. Then there’s the blackmailing. We can nail that shithead to the wall.”
“We?”
She pauses, looking unsure for the first time since she came here. “Unless you . . .” She wrinkles her nose. “Unless you weren’t lying at the café?”
“Mackenzie, I . . . I really hurt you.”
“You’re damned right you did. Here I am, finally thinking I can try out this whole relationship thing, and you come along with your stupid ‘I don’t know if it’s the right time for us’ bullshit, and if I didn’t think you were doing that because of some nonsense alpha idea of protecting me, then I wouldn’t even be here.” She juts out her chin, staring me down. “Is that why you did what you did, Noah?”
I could keep up with the lie, even now. There is still a part of me that thinks eventually she would have realized I wasn’t enough, that there are better options for her out there, and maybe a good person would give her that opportunity. Maybe a better person would usher her out the door to make sure nothing bad ever touched her.
But maybe I’m not a better person.
“He threatened your job,” I tell her slowly. “He was going to turn you in for lying to the board.”
“That absolute fuckhead,” Mackenzie hisses. “I’m going to give him a testicular torsion when I see him again.”
“You’re not . . . mad at me?”
“Oh, I’m mad at you,” she assures me angrily. “You should have told me the truth. We could have figured out a solution together. You should have trusted me, Noah.”
“I should have,” I echo dumbly, knowing she’s right. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not some damsel in distress who needs you to save me. This was my career on the line, too, and I deserved a choice here. You took that away from me when you went all alpha male.”
“I know. I know that, but I—”
“This is exactly what I wanted to avoid when you found out what I was. I have never wanted or needed someone to protect me, do you understand? I can do that myself. What I want is someone who is there for me. Even when times are tough.” She blinks, looking surprised. “Fuck. I didn’t even know I wanted that until you.”
“Mackenzie, I . . .” I run my fingers through my hair anxiously. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right, okay? I never wanted to hurt you, you have to believe me on that. It’s just I . . .” I huff out a breath, struggling for the words. “I’ve never cared about someone like I care about you.”
She blinks in surprise, whatever angry thing that had been on the tip of her tongue falling away. “What?”
“I don’t know when it happened, and I know we wanted to avoid it, but somewhere in the middle of all this fake mate nonsense, I started to have real feelings for you. And that terrified me. Not only because your career was suddenly put in jeopardy, but because I knew that one day you would figure out that you deserved a hell of a lot better than me.”
“Better than you,” she parrots slowly.
I nod, looking down at my feet. “I’m older than you, and I’m not very fun, and I’m learning that I’m entirely too possessive, and . . . Look at you.” I gesture to all of her. “You’re funny, and bright, and everyone loves you. I mean, they call me the damned Boogeyman of Denver General, for fuck’s sake.”
“Noah—” she starts, but I can’t seem to stop talking now.
“The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, but I knew you would dive in headfirst to fight this thing, and I couldn’t risk you throwing everything away. Not for me. Because you might not regret it today, or tomorrow, but one day . . . you’d resent me for it. And I would deserve it. It felt like that future would be a lot more painful for you than ending things here. I thought . . .” I breathe in deep, blowing it out as I finally lift my head to meet her eyes. “I thought it would be easier for you to just forget me before I had the chance to hurt you even more.”
She doesn’t say anything for a long time, the seconds ticking by as we both just stare at each other. I can’t fathom what she might have to say to all that, but I’m preparing myself for the worst.
She shakes her head. “You’re right.”
I feel defeat weighing down on my shoulders. “I know,” I say dejectedly. “I understand if you—”
“I would have dived in headfirst to fight this,” she interrupts, and I forget what I was about to say. “Not just for me, but for you too.”
I feel stunned all over again. “What?”
“Noah,” she sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “You’re not as bad as you want people to believe. You’re a good doctor, and a good person, and you make me laugh . . . even if you don’t mean to. You’re not a boogeyman of anything. You’re just a big stupid genius with good intentions and bad execution.”
“I am?”
“Yeah,” she says wearily. “Yeah, that’s what I’m starting to realize.”
“I really thought I was doing the best thing for you,” I offer feebly.
She nods. “But you understand why it wasn’t now. Right?”
“Yes,” I answer softly. “I think I do.”
“You said you cared about me,” she says with an unreadable expression.
I suck in a breath. “I do.”
“Why?”
“Because . . .” I falter, not because I don’t know the answer, but because I am having trouble finding the right words. “Because when I’m with you . . . I don’t feel like I’m just going through the motions in life. When I’m with you . . . I feel like I’m actually living.”
Her lip trembles, but that’s the only thing she gives me before she clears her throat. She nods her head slowly, and then she takes me completely by surprise when her lips curl ever so slightly. “That was dangerously close to poetry, Noah Taylor.”
I perk up, feeling hope spark in my chest. It’s an unfamiliar feeling. “It was pretty terrible.”
She taps her foot idly, still studying me. “You really did hurt me.”
“I know,” I tell her, feeling that pang of guilt tear through me. “I’m so sorry, Mackenzie.”
She’s not smiling anymore, her nose wrinkled in thought and her eyes moving over my face. I count ten seconds, and then twenty more—each one agonizing as I wait for her to either give me another chance or walk out of my life for good. I know for certain which option I deserve, in any case.
“Yeah, well,” she says finally, huffing out a breath and pressing her fists to her hips. “You’re definitely going to make it up to me.”
That tiny flame of hope is back, threatening to climb higher. “I am?”
“Obviously,” she snorts. “You’re going to be groveling for a very long time, Dr. Taylor.”
I can’t help it. My lips twitch. “A very long time?”
“Years, maybe,” she says in that same grumbling tone. “I’m talking about soup on demand. Chain orgasms. More of that terrible poetry. I haven’t decided.”
“I can manage that,” I say, feeling a blinding, happy feeling swelling inside. “I can grovel for the rest of my life.”
This makes her suck in a breath, her expression softening a fraction as she bites her lip. “I’m going to be a pain,” she tells me.
“It’s fine,” I assure her, taking a small, careful step to close the distance between us. “I’m an expert at being insufferable.”
“And I’m going to get scared sometimes,” she barrels on.
“I can be there to make sure it doesn’t last,” I promise, closing the gap another inch.
Her fists slide from her hips to let her arms hang at her sides, her eyes fixed on mine. “And you can’t ever leave.”
“I never wanted to in the first place,” I say, my fingers reaching to curl gently around her arms. “I never want to leave you ever again.”
“And if you ever—”
I can’t wait another second, my mouth crashing against hers as I pull her into me. She melts into it like she’s been waiting for it as desperately as I have, her fingers gripping my shirt as she tries to pull me closer. My lips move against hers roughly as my tongue dips inside her mouth, my hands sliding over her arms and her shoulders and up her neck until my fingers tangle in her hair.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe between kisses. “I’m so sorry.”
“Groveling,” she gasps. “Lots of groveling.”
I smile against her mouth as my hands slide down her spine. “I don’t have any soup, but . . . I can probably start on that list.”
“Well, if you think you have t—ah.”
I pull her up into my arms as my mouth covers hers again, practically sprinting down the opposite hall toward my bedroom, afraid that if I waste another second she might disappear. That I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream. Her hands are under my shirt, tearing at the fabric so hard in her attempt to get it off me that she almost rips it.
I drop her on the bed and finish the task for her, tossing my shirt somewhere on the floor before pushing up hers to press kisses to her ribs. She smells so good, so fucking sweet—all of it so much more intoxicating at this moment after thinking that I would never experience it again. I shove at her bra roughly so I can mouth at the soft underside of her breast, nipping gently with my teeth as she squirms in my hands.
I’m pulling her scrub top off her arms, tossing it over my shoulder as I bring my attention back to the swell of her breasts spilling from the top of her bra. The taste of her skin is as honeyed as her scent, and I think if given the chance I could spend hours tasting every inch of her, if she let me. I only pull away when she reaches between us to flick at a little plastic piece between her breasts, grinning at what is surely an awestruck expression on my face when the cups fall aside to bare everything to me.
“Front clasp,” she chuckles.
I duck my head to twirl her nipple with my tongue, murmuring into her skin, “Fucking genius.”
“Noah,” she gasps when I suck her into my mouth.
Her fingers curl over my shoulders, her nails biting into my skin, and I relish the slight sting, a reminder that she’s here. That she’s really here.
I start to move down her body, mouthing at her skin the entire way, until my teeth scrape at the swell of her stomach while my fingers hook into the elastic of her scrub bottoms. I roll them down her thighs with her underwear not far behind, immediately curling my hand around her so I can kiss at the softness of her thighs, which are smooth and warm against my tongue.
“Noah,” Mackenzie says impatiently. “It’s been almost two weeks, don’t you want to just—”
She yelps when I nip at her thigh. “It has been almost two weeks. And you did say that chain orgasms were part of the groveling process.”
She shivers when I drag my tongue over her skin, bringing it closer to the heated core of her, which is already wet for me. I’m rewarded with an airy sound of pleasure when I lick a hot stripe between her legs.
“Oh.”
To think I might have never been able to taste her like this again. I close my eyes, humming as I do it again more slowly. She squirms just enough that I have to curl my hands over the tops of her thighs to hold her still, using my tongue to catch the bit of her slick that escapes her. I know that she’ll feel as good as she tastes, the memory of her warmth wrapped around my cock enough to make me ache for it.
But first things first.
I tease her, trailing the tip of my tongue around her clit but not quite touching—hearing her make frustrated sounds as she pushes her fingers through my hair to tug softly. I tap her taut little button before covering it completely, using my tongue to roll it in a slow circle before wrapping my lips around it to suck.
The effect is immediate; she pushes her hips upward mindlessly and her fingers tug at my hair harder than before—and when I pull a little more roughly, suctioning her to make her whimper, I can feel her thighs pressing at my hands like she’s trying to shut her legs to escape the sensation. Like it’s too much for her.
“Noah,” she gasps. “Noah. Don’t st—fuck.”
I’m not teasing her now; it has been almost two weeks, after all, and what might seem like a short span of time feels like forever when I haven’t been able to touch her. I release her thighs just so I can slide one hand underneath her, lifting her to bare more of her to my mouth. I use the other hand to curl two fingers inside her, pressing against the sensitive spot that I know I’ll be touching with my cock shortly after this. I can almost feel the way she’ll fit around me when my knot swells.
I pump my fingers in and out of her messily as I suck deeper at her clit, her thighs pressed against my ears so tight that it is almost uncomfortable, but that sure as hell isn’t going to stop me. She starts to tremble when she’s close, her hands clawing anywhere they can reach, be it the sheets or the pillows or my shoulders and back again, and when she finally lets go, shaking against my tongue as she makes a breathless sound of contentment—it’s almost enough to make me come right along with her. Almost.
She’s already tugging at my shoulders even before she’s fully come down from it, my fingers still moving inside her to prolong her pleasure as my mouth collides with hers. I know she has to be able to taste herself on my tongue, and I can’t say why that warms me further, but it does. I can feel her hands insistently shoving at the sweatpants I’m still wearing, to try and roll them off me, and it takes only seconds for me to take over the task, to kick them away so that there is nothing but our skin and her warmth and the hot ache of my cock as it slots against her.
“Never thought I’d have this again,” I rasp against her mouth.
She tilts her hips so that I slide over her wet folds. “Hurry, Noah.”
She wraps her arms around my neck as my arm curls beneath her, holding her tight as I press against her entrance to slowly slip inside. I watch her expression as I give her inch after inch, enjoying the slight part of her mouth, the hooded quality of her lids, the way she’s looking at me like I’m giving her everything she needs.
She kisses me when I’m fully inside her, her tongue tangling with mine and her teeth nibbling at my lower lip, nodding softly as if wordlessly telling me to move. Not that I need any motivation. Her nipples are hard against my chest as I move into her, tickling my skin as I savor the wet slide of my cock as it fills her. I press my hand near her head on the mattress to brace myself, making sure to keep my hold around her waist so that I can hold her close as I roll my hips into hers.
I can feel that urgency building inside; there’s a steady thrumming of mine mine mine pulsing under my skin that comes from a place I’m just beginning to understand. One that only she can touch. It makes me feel wilder, more desperate—it makes me feel like I’ll never get enough of her.
“Fuck,” I grind out. “I never want to stop doing this.”
Mackenzie laughs breathlessly, pulling me down so she can kiss my jaw. “That’s tempting.”
“I could keep you here,” I hum, letting my head loll so I can scrape my teeth over her shoulder. “Keep you full of my knot forever.”
Her breath catches when my lips brush the warm, throbbing gland at the base of her throat, flicking my tongue against it. “Noah.”
I have nonsensical urges to press my teeth here, to mark her for the rest of her days so that everyone will always know that she belongs to me, that I belong to her—but a small, nagging part of my brain that is still clinging to a scrap of sanity knows it isn’t time for that. Not yet. I kiss her there once more for good measure, hard enough to leave a mark, at the very least.
Someday.
“Can you come for me like this?” I push deeper, deep enough to have her moaning in my ear, and that only makes me feel wilder. “You’re so wet.” My lips skirt down her jawline, my breath washing against the skin there. “Is that for me?”
“Y-yes, Noah—ah—Keep doing that.”
“This?” I snap my hips, grunting when I feel my cock starting to swell as hot pressure begins to build. “This what you want?”
“Yes. I’m—I’m so—”
“Come with me,” I breathe. “I want to feel you come on my knot. Can you do that?”
“Oh. Oh.”
Her teeth sink into my shoulder, her cries muffled against my skin as she falls apart, and I grit my teeth when my knot starts to swell, stretching her to what feels like impossible measures until I can no longer move inside her. We’re both breathless after, my body trembling as I gush deep inside to fill her, and her hands smoothing across my shoulders feel like a searing heat in the aftermath of it all.
I can’t believe there was a moment where I almost chose to live without this, without her—everything about my intentions before tonight feeling utterly stupid now. Her eyes are glazed and her smile is languid when I pull up to look at her, and my lips curl to match hers as she reaches to push damp hair away from my forehead.
“As far as groveling goes,” she says after a ragged breath. “It’s a start.”
“I’m prepared to spend an incredibly long time making it up to you,” I tell her seriously. “Multiple times a day, if I have to.”
She chuffs out a laugh. “Wow. Talk about sacrifice.”
“Sometimes they’re worth being made.”
She’s still smiling as she kisses me, and when I fall down to meet her, there is a slight tug at my knot that makes me wince, my breath catching.
“You’d better never do that again,” she says suddenly, and when I pull my head back, I can see worry in her eyes. “Don’t ever lie to me like that.”
That guilt surges through me again for having put it there. “Never.” My hand slides up her spine to cradle her head, ensuring she can look nowhere but my eyes and hoping she sees the sincerity there. “I’m not leaving you, Mackenzie. Never again. I was an idiot to think I could in the first place.” My forehead rests against hers. “I know you don’t believe in fate, but . . .” My lips press gently at the corner of her mouth, whispering, “I think I might.”
“I might be”—I hear her swallow—“coming around to the idea.”
I raise up, grinning. “Yeah?”
“Maybe,” she amends. “Just a little.”
“I can live with that.”
She looks serious again. “We’re going to the board tomorrow.”
“We are?”
“Yes. We’re going to make sure that son of a bitch doesn’t get away with any of this. I want him to fry, Noah.”
“Look at you,” I chuckle, combing my fingers through her hair. “Here I thought I was protecting you, but you’re the one protecting me.”
“Someone’s got to,” she deadpans. “I mean, you’re so fragile, after all.”
My lips twitch. “Am I.”
“Face it, Dr. Taylor,” she teases. “You need me to look after you.”
I’m not laughing now, my smile barely there and my eyes studying every inch of her face. “Yeah,” I tell her quietly. “Yeah, I think I do.”
Tomorrow will be a nightmare, and there’s no way of knowing what it will hold—but right now . . . right now, there is nothing but Mackenzie’s warmth and her soft sounds and her softer body that fits perfectly against mine. All of it makes one thing glaringly obvious, something that I should have figured out a lot sooner.
I am never letting this woman get away from me again.
