I should go home after landing in Chicago, but I tell my driver to take me to my father’s place. After everything that happened after Zahra’s presentation, I’ve had something bugging me. It took me an entire flight to realize I have unfinished business to settle before I can finally move on.
The pressure I’ve placed on my own shoulders to live up to some unattainable goal of proving my father wrong has poisoned enough of my life. I wanted him to recognize my worth for years when he couldn’t even see past his own misery. And now I’m done. I’m letting go of that boy who wanted to be seen by the entirely wrong person.
I press the doorbell with one gloved finger. It takes my father a few minutes to open the door to his townhouse on the edge of the city.
His eyes widen behind his glasses. “Rowan. Come on in.” He opens the door.
I take a moment to assess him. His eyes seem clear and sober, and his breath lacks the distinct smell of whiskey that I’ve grown to pair with his drunken outbursts.
I guess he’s sober enough to get through this conversation.
I hold up my hand. “That’s not necessary. I have a couple of questions to ask you.”
His brows knit together, but he nods anyway. “Okay.”
“Do you think Mom would be proud of the man you’ve become since she died?”
My father’s mouth drops open. I don’t think I’ve seen him look surprised like this before. The color leaches out of his already pale face, making him look ghostly.
A heavy gust of wind blows toward us, snapping him out of whatever thoughts he had.
“No. I don’t.” His head bows.
“Why did you change?”
“Because I was an angry, pathetic man who wanted to drown everyone in my grief so they could feel hurt like I hurt.”
I blink at him, caught completely off guard by his candid answer. Out of all the responses I considered, the words he spoke never even made it on the list.
He sighs as if this conversation is draining him of all his energy. “Any other questions?”
“Do you regret falling in love with my mother?”
“Not at all.”
I could have sworn he would say yes. How could he not after all the pain he clearly went through? “Why not?”
“You’ll learn that the best rewards come with the biggest consequences. Because nothing that great is given for free.” He shuts his eyes.
If a man like him would do it all over again, that’s all I needed to hear. Because if he would relive decades of grief knowing it would result in the same outcome, then there’s something about love that must be worth the pain.
I made a huge mistake based on a complete lie I told myself year after year. I spent my entire life thinking love makes people powerless, and it does. My father is living proof of that. Love does make people helpless, but only because they willingly accept it. Because to love someone else means to trust them enough to not abuse the power they have over you.
Despite how Zahra might feel about me, I trust her. I trust her with my whole damn heart and my future. There’s not a pros or cons list in the world that could keep me away from her anymore.
I know what I have to do. The decision comes easy, relieving some of the tension pressing against my chest like an anvil.
I nod. “That’s all I needed to know.” I turn and leave my father gaping at my back, finally ditching the final weight holding me back from moving on with my life.
Now I need to break the news to my brothers.
Declan scoops up another forkful of mashed potatoes like I didn’t tell him I’m not coming back to Chicago after the vote. “No.”
My fists remain hidden below his dining room table. “I didn’t ask for your permission.”
Cal’s head bounces between us. “Are we seriously going to fight on Christmas?”
I ignore him. “I’m not coming back.”
“Okay. I guess we are.” Cal grabs his drink and raises it toward me in solidarity. “Finally, it’s your turn to be the problem child for once. Welcome to the club.” He takes a deep swig.
Declan scowls at Cal before turning his glare at me. “We already discussed this in-depth.”
“It doesn’t matter what we decided before. Things change, and I’m not giving up my position as the Director, so find a new CFO.”
The muscle in Declan’s jaw ticks. “How could you possibly prefer being the Director of a theme park over becoming the CFO of one of the top companies in the world?”
“Because I met someone special and I’m not going to give her up for some goddamn desk job thousands of miles away where I would be miserable without her.”
Declan looks at a loss for words.
“Holy shit,” Cal whispers under his breath. “Are you serious?”
I nod.
Cal blinks twice before speaking again. “What have you been hiding?”
“Nothing I want you poking your limp dick around.”
“Now I definitely need to visit Dreamland. Our baby brother has been keeping some big secrets from us.” Cal elbows Declan with a smile.
Declan shoves Cal away. “It’s only considered a secret if I had no idea.”
Cal stares at Declan. “You knew this whole time and you didn’t tell me?!”
“He took a vacation. That in itself was a cause for alarm. Try to use some of the few brain cells you have left, Callahan.”
“Fuck you.” He glares at Declan before turning his head in my direction. “I hate feeling left out.”
Declan refocuses his irritation on me. “You’re doing all of this because of a girl?”
“No. I’m doing this because I like who I strive to be when I’m with that girl.”
“Damn. Rowan might not speak much but when he does—” Cal does a chef’s kiss. “Poetry.”
Declan shakes his head, clearly not sharing Cal’s sentiment. “You’ve completely lost your goddamn mind.”
I shrug. “Maybe. But at least it’s fun.”
Cal laughs.
“You’ll be begging me for the CFO position in six months.” Declan crosses his arms.
I shake my head. “I won’t.”
Cal claps a hand on Declan’s shoulder with a smile. “Cheer up, buttercup. I can lend a hand and help you with your duties until you find a new replacement.”
“The job requires more math abilities than adding two plus two.”
“I think my little brain can keep up.” Cal taps his temple. He might have ADHD, but he has the highest IQ out of all of us. If only he had the drive to apply himself.
I speak up. “You know, Iris could help you with some of the workload. I saw how well you worked together, and she could definitely handle some of your tasks while you search for a wife.”
Declan rubs his chin. “Maybe. I’ll have to think it over.”
“Rowan, we’re supposed to protest against Iris working more hours.” Cal sighs. “Poor girl probably forgot what the sun looks like with all the hours Declan makes her work.”
I don’t care about Iris or her schedule so long as I get what I want. While I might be interested in changing some of my old ways, I’ll never stop being greedy when it comes to Zahra. She will always be the exception to any rule and the one person I’m willing to screw the world over for. Because if she’s not happy, I’ll ruin whatever stole her smile, myself included.
I grip onto the plastic bag with a chokehold as I slam the knocker on Zahra’s apartment door. After my jet was grounded for an extra hour today due to Christmas day traffic, I couldn’t make it back as early as I would have hoped. But I’m here now and ready to speak to Zahra. Since everything is settled with the Director position, I can use it as a bargaining chip to show her my good faith.
I don’t want her to leave Dreamland because of me. I want to work with her, side by side, and make this place everything she has dreamed of.
Claire opens the door with a frown. “What do you want?”
“Is Zahra home?”
“It’s Christmas.”
“But you’re here, and she wouldn’t leave you alone on a holiday.”
Her eyes narrow into two tiny slits, and I know I got her. “She doesn’t want to speak to you.”
“I’ll let her decide that,” I reply with a flat tone.
She crosses her arms. “Why are you really here?”
“Because I need to talk to her. It’s important.”
She raises a brow. “On Christmas?”
“Claire? Who is it?” Zahra turns the corner and freezes in the entryway.
I take a good look at her. Her hair is thrown up in a messy bun I want to unleash, and her body is hidden beneath the most hideous Christmas PJs. My hands itch to grab her, yet I remain leaning against the doorframe.
“Zahra.” My voice carries a raspy tone to it.
She ignores me. “I got this, Claire.”
“You sure?” Her friend’s gaze slides from Zahra to me, going from soft to edgy in a second.
Zahra nods and walks toward the door. Claire doesn’t bother looking in my direction as she walks down a hall back to her room.
“What do you want, Rowan?” Zahra crosses her arms.
“I want to talk.”
“On Christmas?”
What is up with these two and Christmas? It’s just a holiday—more of an inconvenience than anything else.
I take a deep breath and dangle the bag in her eyesight. “I brought an activity to convince you to give me an hour to talk.”
Her eyes bulge. “Are you serious?”
I frown. “Yes? I researched the best strategies for gingerbread house making and thought we could give it a try while you hear me out. I even bought popsicle sticks to work as stabilizers.”
She says nothing.
Come on. Say something. “I thought we could make homemade icing because the one in the box looks disgusting.”
Whatever I said snaps her out of her thoughts. “Oh my God. You actually think a gingerbread house is going to make things better?”
Shit. “Well, no. But I remember you mentioning how much you liked them, and—”
She holds her hand up. Her face is all scrunched up as if she is in pain talking to me. My nauseous stomach sinks into dangerous territory. I’m tired of being sick to my stomach. It makes me feel disgustingly pathetic and in the mood to wallow, and I despise any sort of self-pity.
“Rowan, you ended things with me. We can’t just pick up where we left off and pretend to go back to something casual.”
“Good because I don’t want anything casual anymore.”
Her eyes shine. “You’re only doing all this because of the vote.”
I release a frustrated breath. “I’m not doing this for a damn vote. If you want to vote against me, then do it. Hell, I encourage you to, as long as you give me a chance to explain myself.”
Her mouth pops open before closing again.
I reach out to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I mean it. Go ahead and do what feels right. The vote is the last thing on my mind right now. You’re more important.”
Her head drops as she takes a deep breath. She looks back up at me with watery eyes, and it pierces me straight in the chest. “I wish I could believe you. I really do. But I’m tired of giving people all the chances in the world, only for them to realize I’m not worth it in the end. Because I am, and no one is going to convince me otherwise anymore. Not even you. I don’t want to be used for entertainment while passing the time, just like I don’t want to be labeled as some mistake.” Her words are laced with hurt, and it only fucks me up more inside.
I regret ever saying those things to her. When I broke things off with her, I thought I was doing the right thing before it got out of control. Truth is, it already was, and I was too stupid to realize it.
I’d rather feel out of control and still have Zahra than whatever the hell this is without her. I can’t go back to the way things were before she entered my life.
“Merry Christmas, Rowan.” She doesn’t bother waiting for my reply as she shuts the door in my face, leaving me behind with a heavy feeling in my chest.
Zahra ignoring me is nothing but a challenge. I decide the only way to get her attention is to do something ridiculous. And by ridiculous, I mean making the damn gingerbread house myself and sending her a picture. The structure is damaged after falling too many times to count, and the roof keeps sliding off, but I’m committed.
I place the final gumdrop on the roof and grab my phone before the entire thing caves in on itself.
I’m sorry. One of the gumdrops slides off the roof, ruining the letter m. I’m quick to fix it and snap a photo.
I attach the photo to my text chain with Zahra and send it, along with a missing you message.
I’m not sure why I expect some acknowledgment back. Maybe I was stupid to hope she would take pity on me doing the whole damn thing by myself.
I was wrong. My text goes unanswered, which only adds to the intense feeling in my chest every time I look over at the stupid house.
None of my strategies are working. If Zahra truly thinks I was only with her because of a damn vote, then I’ll prove to her that I’m here to stay, with or without her approval. That I’ve changed because of her and all the kindness she has shown me over the months.
I can only hope she chooses me in the end.
