Holly has almost a full head of hair now. She’s like a female Harry Potter – hair sticking up all over the place no matter how much her mum tries to smooth it flat.
Her face has changed too, got fuller, livelier. Eyes look less out of proportion with the rest of her these days.
She grins up at me.
Holly: Have you come to say goodbye?
Me: I’ve come to check your bloods.
Holly: For one last time?
Me: Depends what they say.
Holly: You’re being grumpy. You don’t want me to leave.
Me: Of course I do. I want you to be well.
Holly: No you don’t. You don’t like stuff changing. You want me to stay here.
Don’t say anything. It’s annoying, being so completely understood by one so very small.
Holly: I’ll miss you too. Will you visit me at home?
I glance at her mum, who’s wearing a tired but very happy smile.
Me: You’ll be too busy at school and all your after-school clubs. You won’t want visitors.
Holly: Yes I will.
Holly’s Mum: I’d love to have you round for dinner. Really – and Holly would too. Just to say thank you.
Sheer euphoria surrounding Holly’s mother like a cloud of perfume.
Holly’s mum is welling up. I never cope well with these situations. Start to feel slightly panicked; edge towards door.
She hugs me before I can escape. Feel suddenly very wobbly. I’m not sure if it’s Holly or Kay I want to cry about, but someone hugging me is doing something involving my tear glands.
Wipe eyes and hope Holly doesn’t notice. Ruffle her messy brown hair.
Holly grins. Get the impression she has other plans.
*
I get out of work in time to see the last traces of a truly glorious sunrise behind London’s skyscrapers and reflected in the steel grey of the Thames, turning it blue-pink. Seem to have so much time now Kay is gone. Makes me wonder if I really did give her as little time as she always claimed – if that’s true, where have all these hours come from?
Decide to stop somewhere for a tea, then walk home – only takes an hour and a half, and it’s the sort of morning you want to be out in. People are buzzing in all directions, on their way to work, coffees clutched close. I let them all stream by. Walk up through the back roads as much as I can; they’re a little sleepier than the main roads.
I find myself on Clapham Road without really noticing. Go cold when I see the off-licence. But make myself stop. Seems respectful, like taking your hat off when a hearse goes by.
Can’t help noticing that the Aldi security cameras really do point in every possible direction, including this one. Something wishful grips me. I remember the whole point of why Kay and I broke up. I’ve been too sad to remember that there is hope for Richie.
Maybe Gerty will have written back to Richie by now. I walk on, faster now, keen to get home. He might try to call, expecting me to be back at usual time. Feel sure he has; am furious with myself for missing him.
Deep breaths. I fumble with the key in the door, but oddly it’s not double-locked – Tiffy has never forgotten before. I give a cursory look around the room when I get in to make sure we’ve not been burgled, but TV and laptop are still there, so head straight for landline and check for missed calls or voicemails.
Nothing. Breathe out. Am sweaty from power-walking in the morning sunshine; chuck keys in customary space (they now live under the Spot the Dog moneybox) and yank off T-shirt as I head to bathroom. Shove the row of multi-coloured candles off the edge of the bath so I can actually shower. Then turn the hot water on and stand there, washing off yet another week.
