February
There’s a bitter chill in the air as I walk down the snow-lined path in Boston Common. My gloved hands are buried in the pockets of my coat, and my red knit hat is pulled so low on my forehead it nearly covers my eyes.
It’s so cold out today. I suddenly regret suggesting that Tucker and I meet in the park. He wanted to meet at my house, but both Nana and Ray are home, and I couldn’t risk them eavesdropping on us and finding out about the pregnancy. I haven’t told them yet. I haven’t told anyone.
I assume Tucker is going to bring up the baby from the word go, but when I reach Brewer Fountain five minutes later, the first thing he says to me is, “I hate fountains.”
“Um. All right. Any particular reason why?”
“They don’t have much of a purpose.” Then he tugs me into his arms for a long hug, and I find myself sagging against him, clinging to his warm, solid body.
I haven’t seen him since Beau’s memorial. That was two weeks ago. Two weeks. I swear, John Tucker has the kind of patience I can only dream of having. He hasn’t bugged me to meet up. Hasn’t pushed me to talk about our situation. Hasn’t done anything but stand by and follow my lead.
“But they’re pretty,” I murmur in response to his remark.
His lips brush mine in a brief kiss. “Not as pretty as you.” And then he hugs me tighter and I try hard not to burst into tears.
I’m a hormonal mess lately. Constantly on the verge of sobbing, and I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy or because I miss Tuck.
I miss him so fucking much it breaks my heart, but I don’t know what to say when I’m with him.
I don’t fucking know what to do.
The hug finally breaks up, and we both step back awkwardly. A dozen questions flicker in his expression, but he doesn’t voice a single one. Instead, he says, “Let’s walk. If we stay on the move, maybe we won’t freeze to death.”
Laughing again, I allow him to sling his arm around me, and we take off down the path, our boots crunching over the thin layer of snow beneath them.
“How are classes going?” he asks gruffly.
“Okay, I guess.” I’m lying. It’s not okay at all. I’m finding it impossible to concentrate on anything other than the subtle changes in my body. “You?”
He shrugs. “Not great. It’s been tough to focus ever since…” He trails off.
“Ever since this?” I gesture to my stomach.
“Yeah. And Beau too. Dean’s not doing too great, and there’s lots of tension in the house.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’ll get better,” is all he says.
God, I wish I had his faith. And his resilience. And his courage. I’m lacking all those things right now. Just the thought of opening my mouth and bringing up the pink or blue baby elephant in our vicinity makes me want to throw up. Or maybe that’s the morning sickness.
But as usual, Tucker doesn’t push the subject. He simply changes it. “Did you come here a lot when you were growing up?” He gestures at the beautiful display of nature all around us.
“When I was little,” I admit. “Back when it was just me and my mom and Nana, we’d come here every weekend. I learned how to skate on Frog Pond.”
He gives me a sidelong look. “You don’t talk about your mom much.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” Resentment crawls up my throat. “She wasn’t around much. I mean, she used to make an effort when I was really young, up until I was six, maybe. But then the men in her life became more important than me.”
Tucker’s gloved hand squeezes my shoulder. “I’m sorry, darlin’.”
“It is what it is.” I glance over at him. “You’re close with your mother, right?”
He nods. “She’s the best woman I know.”
Emotion clogs my throat. Tucker might’ve lost his dad at a young age, but obviously his mother did everything she could to make up for that. From what he’s told me, she worked her butt off so her son could have a good life. My own mother could take a few lessons from Mrs. Tucker. So could Nana.
“Our childhoods were so different,” I find myself saying.
“And yet we both grew up to be awesome people.”
Him, maybe. Me, I don’t feel so awesome right now. But I keep the thought to myself. “Does your mom want you to move back to Texas after college?”
“Yeah.” He stops in the middle of the path, releasing a tired-sounding breath.
“Do you want to move back?” I ask, then hold my breath as I wait for his reply.
“I don’t know.”
He rakes a hand through his auburn hair, and I track the motion of his hand. His hair looks so soft to the touch. It is soft to the touch—I know this because I’ve run my fingers through it on many occasions. I want to do it again now, but I’m scared that if I touch him, I won’t be able to stop.
“My plan was always to go back after graduation. I want to be close to my mom, take care of her, you know? But when I was there for the holidays…” He groans softly. “There are no opportunities in Patterson. None. It’s a tiny town that hasn’t grown at all in a hundred years. And I wouldn’t even be able to commute to Dallas because it’s a four-hour drive. I originally thought I’d live in Dallas during the week and stay in Patterson on the weekends, but that sounds exhausting the more I think about it.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I have no clue.”
I wait for him to turn it around on me, ask me what I’m going to do about this baby, but he doesn’t.
“You want to go watch the skaters for a bit?” he suggests.
“Sure.”
We start walking again. His arm is still around me. His familiar scent wafts into my nostrils and makes me ache. I want to kiss him. No, I want to drag him back to wherever he parked his truck and maul him. I want to feel his lips on mine and his hands on my breasts and his cock moving inside me.
The happy squeals of children greet us before we even reach the pond. A bittersweet feeling washes over me as we approach the railing. Dozens of people whiz past us on the shiny surface of the rink. Kids bundled up in colorful coats and scarves and mittens. Families skating together. Couples gliding hand-in-hand.
Tucker reaches for my hand and laces our gloved fingers together, and we stand there watching the rink for a while. My heart skips, because it feels like we’re a real couple. Just two happy people spending the afternoon in the park, enjoying each other’s company.
“Oh shit, see that man over there?” Tucker suddenly says.
I follow his gaze toward a tall, gray-haired man in a blue parka and black skates. “Yeah… Do you know him?”
He squints. “No. For a second I thought I did, but he’s just a lookalike.”
“For who?” I ask curiously.
“Coach Death.”
I almost choke on my tongue. “Okay. Let’s back this up. Did you just say Coach Death?”
His boom of laughter tickles the side of my face. “Yep. Not even joking, darlin’. My very first hockey coach was named Paul Death. Apparently it’s an old British name. Or maybe Welsh? I can’t remember now.”
I shift around so my back is to the railing. “Was he as evil as his name suggests?”
“Nicest dude you’ll ever meet,” Tucker declares.
“Seriously?”
“Oh yeah. He’s the first person who told me I had potential. I was five at the time. Begged my mom for hockey lessons, so she drove me to this arena an hour away because Patterson doesn’t have a rink. Coach Death popped a squat, shook my hand, and said, ‘Yup-yup, I see it, kid. You’ve got potential.’” Tucker chuckles. “That was his catchphrase—yup-yup. I started saying it around the house and it drove Mom crazy.”
I laugh. “So Coach Death was your idol growing up?”
“Pretty much.” He slants his head. “What about you? Who was your idol?”
“I had five.” I grin at him. “They were called NSYNC.”
His jaw drops. “Oh no, darlin’, say it ain’t so. You were into boy bands?”
“So into them it’s not even funny. Nana took me to an NSYNC concert when I was twelve. I swear I had my first orgasm that night.”
He throws his head back and hoots.
“I told you, it’s not funny,” I grumble. “I was obsessed. I used to doodle Sabrina Timberlake in all my school notebooks.”
“I honestly can’t picture that.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re so serious all the time. When I picture you as a kid, I see you reading textbooks for fun and studying for the SATs four years in advance.”
A wry smile tugs on my mouth. “Yeah, I did all that too. But I always made time for Justin. I’d take study breaks and kiss his picture. With tongue.”
Tucker hoots. “Jesus, Sabrina. I don’t know if I can be with you anymore.”
Just like that, my good humor fades. Not because of what he said—I know he’s joking—but because… Because of the pink or blue elephant, damn it.
Tucker and I had only been dating for a few months before this baby bomb. Would we have even had a future? I love being with him. It’s easy being with him, easier than it’s ever been with anyone. I was starting to see a future for us, but what about him? What if he’d gotten sick of me and wanted to dump me?
If we keep this baby, then the future is set. We’ll be a part of each other’s lives, whether we want to or not. Whether he wants it or not.
“What’s wrong?” he asks in concern.
I gulp through the lump in my throat. “I…” My face crumples. “I haven’t made a decision yet.”
His voice turns hoarse. “I know.”
“I’m…scared.” I stare down at my boots. “I’m really scared, Tuck.”
“I know,” he says again. Then he rubs his face. “So am I.”
My gaze flies to his. “You are?”
“Are you kidding me? I’m goddamn terrified.” A groan slips out. “I’m trying to be strong for you here, Sabrina. I’m really fucking trying.”
I blink back tears. “I’m usually the strong one. But right now I don’t feel strong at all.”
He draws me into his arms and suddenly we’re clinging to each other again. I’m pretty sure everyone on the ice is staring at us, wondering why we’re power-hugging like a couple of maniacs, but I don’t care. I’m on emotional overload, and maybe that’s what drives me to say, “I don’t think I want to keep it.”
Tucker eases back slightly. His expression is somber. “Are you sure?”
“No.”
“Then you need to take some more time to think about it,” he says softly. “Okay?”
“Okay,” I mumble.
After a long beat, he reaches for my hand again. “Come on, let’s keep walking. I’ll tell you more about Coach Death and you can tell me all about how you French-kissed your Timberlake posters.”
I croak out a laugh. God. This guy… just… this guy. I want to thank him. Kiss him. Tell him how amazing he is.
But all I do is twine my fingers through his and let him guide me back to the path.
