“God, I want to—”
“Kiss me? Hold me close? Pet my hair and tell me what a good boy I am? Tell me what you want to do to me, Eliana.”
The boyish grin that graced Fenris’s expression didn’t dim my answering scowl.
In one ill-timed moment, the cocky werewolf had ruined my life, and he didn’t even realize it. How could an amazing dream about cakes have turned into my mom walking in on Fenris and me in such a compromising position? Not only did she believe I’d fed from Fenris while having relations with him, but she would also expect me to feed, carnally, again. And she would parade men and women in front of me non-stop until it happened.
Those images, along with the lingering taste of Boston Cream pie, stirred my unwanted hunger. It seemed an appropriate reaction, foreshadowing for the new level of misery to which my life would now descend, thanks to Fenris.
“Drown you in a sack in the river. Club you over the head. Neuter you.” The playfulness in his gaze faded with each unkind thing I said.
“You’re mad.”
Hearing the hurt in his voice killed some of my anger. When Megan had left over a week ago, Fenris had taken her role of being a shoulder to cry on. He was patient and understanding when I needed it, unlike my mom or anyone else in Uttira. I owed him because of that and tried to calm down before I spoke, but it didn’t quite work.
“Yes, I’m mad. I appreciate that you didn’t leave me outside in the cold, but you should have left after bringing me to my room instead of crawling in bed with me. What were you thinking?”
He opened his mouth, and I lifted my hand to stop him from speaking.
“You know what? It doesn’t matter. My mom saw you in bed with me. Now she’s going to pressure me even more to start feeding regularly. You just need to leave so I can figure out how to deal with the fallout.”
He closed his mouth, his grin growing.
“I would, but you have your legs wrapped around my waist.”
The moment he said it, I became aware of his heat searing my hips. My vision sharpened as my hunger aggressively reared its head. And I panicked. With elbows flying, I thrashed in an attempt to untangle myself. He grunted a few times before I managed to gain my feet beside the bed.
Ignoring his smirk, I tugged down my skirt.
“Out, Fenris.”
The finger I thrust toward the door only made his grin widen.
Instead of getting off my bed, he got comfortable, sitting with an arm casually draped over one bent knee. The pose, especially shirtless, almost distracted me from his next words.
“If you’re worried about fallout, kicking me out of your room is the last thing you want to do. Your mom, Adira, and the Council all wanted you to feed, right? If you let me sleep on the floor, they’ll believe this feeding went well and be more likely to leave you alone.”
“I wish that were true. But we both know better. You’ve witnessed how the adults in my life have been pushing me because they think I’m underfed. If they believe I’ve actually fed from you, they’re only going to start pushing for more feedings.”
“Perfect.”
I rubbed both hands over my face in an effort to wipe away my frustration. Being patient with Fenris was becoming almost as difficult as being patient with Piepen.
“In what world is having Adira shove more frost giants at me perfect?” I asked after a calming breath.
“Well, you’re right. That’s not perfect. But I am.”
“You’re perfect?”
“I’m glad you agree.” His playful wink and teasing tone poked at my hunger.
“This isn’t funny, Fenris.”
“I disagree. Try looking at it from my point of view. I can’t turn around without bumping into a female eagerly offering herself up to me. My only escape is when I sneak out at night. Yet, here I am,” he spread his arms wide, drawing my attention to his muscled chest, “offering myself up to you.”
“I don’t find that funny. I find it sad for both of us. I appreciate what you’re trying to do. Truly. But I refuse to lie so that the people who are supposed to love me the way I am can feel good about life.”
“You wouldn’t need to lie. You’d only need to keep doing what you’ve been doing. Keep spending time with me, and let the adults draw their own conclusion.”
“They won’t settle for conclusions forever. They’ll want the real thing, and I’m not feeding from you or anyone. Why can’t everyone just get that through their heads?” Frustration had crept into my tone. How could it not? Mom acted like abstinence was the worst four-letter word any succubus could utter. She didn’t understand that I didn’t want to embrace a life filled with a string of men I’d never remember. That I needed to live my life my way, whatever way that might be.
“Eliana, you’re a succubus. You can’t avoid feeding forever.”
I stood for a moment, glaring at him in disbelief. Had he truly not realized how important living a completely non-succubus life was to me after I’d admitted that desire to him?
“I thought you understood,” I said, hurt leaching into my tone.
Finally, some of his humor faded, and he got off the bed. Rather than leaving, he gently ran a hand over my hair.
“I’m not pushing you, Eliana. I’m trying to help you find a solution.”
“No touching,” I whispered.
He sighed and withdrew his hand.
“I don’t want you to start feeling alone again. You have friends. You have me.”
“I know. But right now, I need you at a distance. I need to think.”
“Fair enough. Let’s go to bed, and I bet things will look better in the morning.” He looked at the rug covering the wood floors in my room. “Not the most comfortable surface to bed down on, but I’ve had worse.”
The idea of Fenris in my room while my control was at its weakest made my stomach clench with inappropriate need.
“Fenris, you’re not sleeping here. I don’t care if Mom and Adira assume the feeding didn’t go well. I need you to leave. Please.”
He studied my serious expression, then slowly nodded.
“Fine. I’ll sneak out the back. But think about my offer.”
I wrinkled my nose at him and silently pointed toward the door.
For the briefest moment, his expression shifted as he looked at me. His grin never faltered, but something flickered in his eyes before he shook his head and left. I had the distinct feeling I’d disappointed him by not immediately agreeing to pretend like he wanted.
Since coming to Uttira, I’d carefully held my ground, surrendering only minimal concessions to appease Adira and keep my mother away. Whenever I’d imagined attaining my freedom, it had never been won by giving in but rather by finding a way to gain their understanding. I’d figured out from the beginning that if Adira thought there was even a chance I’d willingly feed, she’d be after me like a shark in bloody water. And that’s exactly what would happen if Mom told Adira what she’d seen tonight.
Leaving my room, I went to Oanen’s door. No music played from inside, and I hesitated to knock. What could I possibly say that would undo what Mom thought she saw? What could get us back to the place where she was trying to understand me and not assuming I’d want another round of “breakfast in bed” succubus-style.
I knocked without having a plan.
When she didn’t immediately answer, I knocked again. It wasn’t like Mom to go to bed before midnight. Then again, it wasn’t like her to close her door either.
Frowning, I let myself in and looked at the dark interior of Oanen’s room. The curtains were open, letting in just enough moonlight so I could see the bed was made and empty.
I retraced my steps and grabbed my phone from my purse.
Me: I wasn’t doing anything inappropriate.
Mom: Of course you weren’t. Sexual play of any kind is very appropriate for your age. I hope you didn’t stop to reassure me. Go have fun. I hope he limps from your room when you’re done with him.
“Sweet Mary’s burnt biscuits!” I threw my phone on the bed before turning on my heel and marching into the bathroom.
Cold water helped cool the fire in my face but not the hunger burning in my belly at Mom’s coarsely painted imagining of my time with Fenris. I smoothed down any errant strands of my blonde hair and focused on my black eyes until they went back to their normal brown.
Returning to my phone, I tried again but more bluntly.
Me: Please don’t tell Adira about this. Nothing has changed. I don’t want to be pushed by either of you.
Mom: I’d kill her myself if she tried. I love you, baby. Now stop texting your mom and go have a good time.
Setting the phone aside, I went to the closet and changed into my pajamas. I wasn’t a fool. I knew Mom had omitted any type of promise about telling Adira. With my luck, Adira already knew. But, more worrisome was Mom’s threat. If Adira stepped out of line with me again, I wasn’t so sure Mom’s desire to be rid of Adira would remain idle.
Emotionally and physically exhausted, I crawled back into bed and turned off the lights. My pillow smelled like cake, and I buried my nose in the material and breathed deeply. As much as I wanted to tell myself that I’d kicked Fenris out so I could have a moment to think, there was much more to it than that.
I’d let him get too close, and now I was hungry for my last remaining friend. I closed my eyes and let a lone tear fall as I continued to breathe in his scent.
Gradually, I drifted to sleep. Rather than dreams of cakes, I revisited moments of my childhood. Memories drifted in and out of my dad as he gave different sermons. Those faded, replaced by a park. I looked at the trees hopefully, but there were no cakes, only barren branches.
I wandered, cold and alone, and I wrapped my arms around myself.
“Don’t cry. I’m here.” The high-pitched voice came from everywhere and nowhere.
I scanned the park, looking for the source, but I was still alone. Or, at least, I was until two skunks popped into existence and started going at it. Two became four. Four became sixteen.
Something wet touched my cheek.
I immediately brushed at my face. My hand came away clean. Even in my dream, I knew what that meant.
“Why me?” I wailed.
Fighting against the pull of sleep, I resurfaced to the tiniest tongue lapping in my ear. Not on. In. Thrusting.
“Eew!” I batted at the brownie, and my hand hit fluttering wings and twitching hips. Sparkles erupted, and a few landed in my eye. More than a few landed in my mouth. The skunk flavor coated my taste buds even as I choked on the horrific taste.
The scream that ripped from my throat was an equal mixture of horror and rage. I wiped frantically at my tongue, but it only spread the pungency. Rage won over horror.
My vision turned razor-sharp, and I twisted toward the blissed-out brownie sprawled on my pillow.
“You only have three words to justify why I shouldn’t kill you,” I said, already anticipating the way his little bones would snap in my unforgiving grip. His blood and bile would wash away the sparkle staining my—
“I love you.”
He opened his eyes, his gaze full of mindless devotion.
“I will love you until the day I die.”
Sick at myself, I turned away from him and swallowed hard. Reality was cruel, but what I’d been ready to do was far crueler. And so unlike me.
I’d made Piepen my mindless love slave because of an accidental feeding. It didn’t matter that he was perpetuating it by coming back even after I specifically told him not to. Or that it was in his nature to be a little horndog. What mattered was that I had been ready to kill him just for being himself. Well, a version of himself.
“Why are you here, Piepen?” Speaking each word smeared the repugnant essence of skunk inside my mouth. I gagged and got out of bed. He flitted to the air in all his naked glory and followed me to the bathroom.
“I needed some advice. But, then I saw you sleeping. You were so beautiful and sad and alone and…I know I’m not supposed to love you and that I’m supposed to stay away, but I just couldn’t help myself. You won’t tell Glistening Dewcup, will you?”
“Who?” I unscrewed my mouthwash, took a big mouthful, and swished as I listened.
“My girlfriend. Dewy can get a little jealous. That’s what I need advice about. I was playing the field like Fenris said, seeing who liked my acorns the best, you know?”
He reached between his legs and started fondling said acorns. His lust filled the air, but I wasn’t yet ready to spit out the mouthwash to tell him to stop.
“A few of the ladies almost milked them as fast as you did with your hand. Remember that time?”
I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Right,” he said, stopping his fondling and getting serious. “Dewy took one look at what I had to offer,” he gestured at his tiny pole, “and decided she had to have me. She pulled a patch of hair straight out of Peachspray’s head. Judy didn’t even stand a chance and lost her nose ring.”
I winced on the poor, unknown brownie’s behalf and finally spit even though Piepen’s nasty taste wasn’t gone.
“Piepen, who did you hook up with? Brownzilla?”
His face went from pleading confusion to perfectly blank.
“I love you, Eliana. But, I can’t let you talk about my girlfriend like that.”
I wanted to roll my eyes at him. Instead, I vigorously swished more mouthwash. However, minty rancidness continued to coat my tongue. If the alcohol could kill bacteria, certainly it would kill whatever was floating in my mouth. I gagged even as I thought it and quickly spit in the sink.
“What advice, exactly, are you looking for?” I rasped.
“How do I make Dewy less jealous?”
“Well, coming here won’t help.”
“She doesn’t know I’m missing. A friend is filling in for me.”
My brows arched in surprise, and he immediately looked offended.
“Not like that. He’s just sleeping next to her. She likes to snuggle.”
I shook my head. For a creature so earnest about being loved, Piepen was clueless about giving it.
“First, stop letting your friend sleep next to her. That’s not what a boyfriend does. It should be you next to her. And if you don’t want her to be jealous, stop showering your attention on other girls. Show Dewy that she’s the only one you’re interested in.”
He sighed, nodded his head, and reached down to stroke himself thoughtfully. Again, I gagged, but this time at the flaring scent of his lust.
“It’s time for you to go, Piepen.” I shooed him from the bathroom and followed him to the window. “Please stop visiting me.”
“I’ll try. Thank you for sparing my life tonight, Eliana. You truly are a goddess. My mark couldn’t have gone to a more worthy woman.”
He zipped out the window into the predawn light, and I quickly slammed it shut.
“A goddess trying not to throw up,” I mumbled as I hurried back to the bathroom.
I brushed. I flossed. I gargled. No matter what I did, the acrid taste didn’t fade in the slightest.
Desperate, I went to the entertainment room and searched for chocolate. However, thanks to Mom’s inconsideration, the refrigerator was empty. So was the box I’d hidden behind the TV. She’d even found the single bar I’d stashed behind one of the portraits of Oanen’s feathered ancestors.
I debated texting Mom to see what else might remove the nastiness from my mouth, but I
already knew the answer. She’d tell me to feed on a more appropriate creature. I stomped my foot in annoyance then hurried downstairs. Every accidental swallow was torment.
Searching the cupboards for some non-chocolate possibilities, I found a bag of organic jalapeno chips. The handful I ate set my mouth on fire but did nothing to dim Piepen’s nasty taste. Tossing the bag aside, I went to the fridge for the lemon juice. A mouthful of citrus was only marginally better than Piepen’s flavor. And as soon as I swallowed it, the skunk taste returned twofold.
Blindly, I stared into the refrigerator, remembering the mark on my chest and how Fenris had noticed its lingering scent. Was I doomed to taste Piepen forever?
A large container caught my eye. It was the Death by Chocolate cake I’d made with Ashlyn almost a week ago. I didn’t care if it was old; I needed the taste in my mouth gone. I seized the container, tossed the lid aside, and shoved a handful of cake in my mouth.
I let the chocolate coat my tongue and exhaled a ragged breath from my nose as Piepen’s skunkness faded. Saliva pooled, forcing me to swallow and mash more cake into my mouth.
“Eliana?”
Turning my head, I met Mrs. Quill’s shocked gaze.
“Biff ident wa id uck ike.” Chocolate fell from my mouth as I spoke, and a hint of Piepen returned. I took another handful and stuffed it in.
“Sweetie. Stop. You’re going to make yourself sick.”
The container disappeared from my fingers and reappeared, empty, on the counter.
My wail of despair was muffled by my mouthful of cake, and I quickly swallowed.
“No, you don’t understand. I wasn’t eating the cake. I was trying to—”
I stopped myself from admitting I’d fed on a brownie. Better that she thought I was still craving chocolate than feeding on the wrong species. Or worse, that I was interested in feeding directly on “sprinkles.”
A full-body shudder shook through me.
“Eliana, what’s wrong? You’re worrying me.”
“Nothing.”
Mrs. Quill gave me a disappointed look wrapped in a layer of motherly concern. At one time, I would have rushed to reassure her worry. Now her expression only served as a reminder of how capricious her affection ran.
“You know what? Think what you want. You will anyway.”
I left the kitchen and jogged upstairs to get ready for school. My quick shower included a very thorough face-scrubbing and a breath-defying two-minute gargle while I washed my hair. The mouthwash still didn’t help. Like the glowing stain between my breasts, Piepen’s taste was determined to stay.
With a growl of frustration, I decided I could ignore it. Mind over matter. I would not let one more thing control me or my life. However, my resolve broke by the time I’d finished dressing.
I rushed to the bathroom and poured myself another capful of mouthwash. I tried letting it sit on my tongue longer to burn away the taste. While swishing, I used the blow dryer, then styled my hair.
The taste didn’t wane, but I found myself less distracted by it, which caused me to panic. I didn’t want to get used to it. I wanted it gone.
I gripped the counter as anger painted my thoughts dark. I should have killed the insignificant creature. At the very least, his persistent invasions should have been stopped. With one word from my lips, he would have ripped off his own wings and eaten them.
The horrid thought brought me back from the sinister place I’d gone.
Blinking at my black-eyed reflection, I took a calming breath.
“You are better than this, Eliana Magdalene Margarete Howland. One annoying brownie will not turn you into the monster of your father’s nightmares,” I muttered to my reflection.
After a few more breaths, my eyes turned back to their normal brown. Grabbing my things, I headed downstairs once more and let thoughts of Ashlyn further distract me from Piepen. The druids had to be at the Academy today. Adira would never allow students to be gone more than a week without a very good reason.
As soon as I found the trio, they could reverse whatever went wrong in their spell and bring Ashlyn back. Then, I could finally focus on Megan’s return and spend my hours daydreaming about how she’d deal with all the insufferable adults meddling in my life.
I strode into the dining room and stopped short at the sight of Adira sitting at the table. She turned her head, disturbing the cascade of hair that fell over her shoulders and down her back. Her ice blue gaze pinned me as she smiled.
“Good morning, Eliana.”
My morning had been far from good, and I highly doubted it would suddenly become pleasant with her visit.
“Good morning,” I answered politely, keeping my thoughts to myself.
“Please, sit.” She gestured to the chair across from her.
“No thank you. I don’t want to be late.”
She considered me for a moment.
“Your mother said you fed from Fenris last night.”
Adira’s strategic pause would have drawn out a stammering explanation from a student less familiar with her ways. I maintained my silence and wished I had been fast enough to stop Mom from talking to her. I had no doubt the ice giant would use this news to make my life hell in some way. Her next words confirmed it.
“You look tired, but not well-fed. I’ll rearrange Fenris’s schedule so your preferred meal is nearby.”
“Please don’t. Is there any update on Ashlyn?”
“Don’t worry about that. Focus on feeding.”
“Ashlyn’s been missing for a week now. How long do you think one human can survive on her own in Uttira? She’s running out of time, and so are you. Megan will be home in two weeks and won’t be happy about a missing human.”
Adira gave me a measuring look.
“Let us worry about Megan. Now that you’re feeding, I want you to visit the Roost nightly.”
And there it was.
In the past, I’d gone along with most of Adira and the Council’s demands or tried to find compromises because I’d been raised to respect my elders, and, in general, I disliked conflict. But, I knew the time for compromise was at an end in Adira’s eyes. And mine, too.
“And if I don’t want to?” I asked.
“It would be in your best interest to do so, regardless.”
Her calm, veiled threat speared through my rational thoughts and sent them into a dire spiral.
She would feel what it’s like to be manipulated. She would dance until her feet bled, all the while loving the feel of it. I would feed on her until every shred of every emotion she ever felt belonged to me. She would—
“Are you hungry?”
I blinked at the unexpected question, then noted the crystalline threads of ocean blue that melded with the silver flecks of her irises.
Adira’s gaze never shifted from my face, but I knew she noted every detail about my tense stance, including the way my fingers had curled into fists. Could she guess at the damning direction of my thoughts, though? I hoped not.
Rather than responding, I relaxed my hands and walked away.
In my car, I rested my head against the steering wheel. Adira was no fool, and neither was I. We both knew that my eyes going black in there had nothing to do with my hunger and everything to do with her provoking me. She would probably see it as a sign of growth or improvement or whatever garbage she wanted to tell herself. I knew better, though.
The turbulence of my life was eroding away at all that made me…me.
I was closer than ever to becoming the monster of my nightmares.
