With a sigh, I sank deeper into the water.
“This is, by far, one of the better ideas you’ve had.”
Fenris grinned at me from the other side of the pool, but like when he’d smiled at the mermaids, it didn’t reach his eyes.
“Are you still cold?”
“No. I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? You seem…off.”
“I am. I keep thinking about how upset you are that I’m keeping the truth from you and the deals you suggested.”
“Did you come up with something you’re willing to trade?”
“I have.” He pushed away from his side of the pool and swam toward me. “Feed from me.”
“What? No way. We’ve talked about this.”
He caught me by my shoulders as if I’d been trying to escape. I hadn’t been. With Fenris, I didn’t need to. If I told him to cut it out, I knew he would. But, I also knew that he was being a dog with a bone on this topic and wanted to understand why.
“How badly do you want to know the truth?” he asked. “If you feed from me, I’ll tell you.”
“Not that bad. Think about what you’re saying. You’re afraid to tell me whatever it is because you think I’ll stop talking to you. I’m afraid to feed on you because I think you’ll turn into a mindless devotee who won’t have an original thought in his head other than sex.”
He gave me a funny look.
“It’s how they all end up, Fenris. I know you think you’ll be different, but I’m not taking a chance. I’m not doing that to you.”
His burst of laughter didn’t make a bit of sense to me. Then again, not much of what he did ever made sense to me. Grinning, he darted in to lick the tip of my nose, which turned my eyes black, then floated away.
My phone buzzed, and I turned, stretching half out of the water to grab it. Behind me, there was a splash and a burble of noise. I looked over my shoulder. Fenris had sunk below the surface with his head tipped back so he was staring at the ceiling. Just another example of me not understanding him.
I rested my torso on the ledge of the pool, wiped my hand on the bag to dry it enough to register on the screen, then checked my messages.
Mom: Adira can’t find you. I’ve ensured she can’t track you through your phone. If you’re up to having dinner with me, I’d love to hear about your day. Have fun, baby!
Me: Thank you!
Smiling, I set my phone on the bag once more and sank back into the water. When I turned around, Fenris was only inches away from me. I frowned at him.
“What are you doing?”
“Enjoying the view.”
My eyes went dark again, and my hunger rose up, ravenous and unstable.
“I’m not one of your girls, Fenris. Don’t flirt with me.”
He grabbed onto the ledge, one hand on each side of me.
“Put your legs around my waist, Eliana.”
The need to do it clawed at me. But I stayed where I was, pressed against the coarse side of the pool.
“No,” I managed through gritted teeth.
“Don’t you want to feel my skin? Make my heart race? Taste me?”
My pulse thundered at the thought of the slick feel of skin against skin. Of the touch of his lips against mine. Of the way Fenris and I would fit together perfectly. My gaze dropped to his mouth.
I needed to know. I needed to taste.
Lips parted, I leaned forward. Fenris made a sound, a low rumble in his chest that heated my blood further and made the dark monster inside of me imagine all manners of things Fenris and I would do together in this cave.
The wolf was mine.
My phone buzzed again, and the reality of what I was doing snapped into focus. I jerked back.
“Knock it off, Fenris.”
I splashed him in the face and pulled myself out of the pool in a rush. When I glared back at him, he huffed a sigh and returned to his place at the other side of the pool.
I wanted to be angry at what he’d provoked. Instead, that thing inside of me pushed my emotions in a different direction. I noticed how handsome Fenris looked with his hair wet and tousled. The torchlight reflected off the water and his eyes, and the effect created an ache in my chest that had nothing to do with hunger.
Then, he smiled.
The ache intensified dangerously, and I turned my back on him to check the message on my phone.
Adira: Where are you?
“Adira figured out the tracking spell is gone and wants to know where I am. Do I answer her, obviously not giving my location, or ignore her?”
“Ignoring her will probably upset her more and have her redirecting my dad’s efforts from finding Ashlyn to finding you.”
The husky note in his words did nothing to steady my pulse. I willed myself to calm down as I kept my back to him.
“Okay. Then how would you reply?”
“Tell her you’re practicing your skills. Thank her for the break, and ask her what she needs.”
“I hate misleading her.”
“But you aren’t. Every word of that is the truth whether you believe it or not.”
Understanding lit, and I looked back at him. He was still on his side of the pool and looked more relaxed than he had a moment ago.
“That wasn’t you teasing like usual just now, was it?”
His lips quirked at the corners.
“The way you leaned out of the water just far enough so only your legs were still in? That would have brought any male to his knees, Eliana.”
Using the phone as an excuse to give him my back once more, I sent a reply to Adira as I struggled not to cry.
Me: I’m practicing, but really appreciate the excuse for a break. What do you need? I can call you, and we can talk for a while. Or should I come back to the Academy?
Every word of that was desperately true. I’d willingly endure Adira to avoid getting back into that pool with Fenris.
Adira: What are you practicing?
Me: Luring my prey.
I sniffled, the truth tearing me apart.
Water splashed behind me, but I didn’t turn to see. I couldn’t. My heart was too busy breaking itself apart.
“Don’t,” Fenris said softly. “Please don’t. I’m sorry for pushing. I shouldn’t have said any of that. Forgive me?”
“For what? For telling me the truth like I wanted? I think you’re right. There’s a lot I’m not ready to hear.”
“I know. I’m trying to help you, Eliana. Please believe that.”
“I do.”
“Can I claim one of my hugs?”
I shook my head.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”
Since Adira hadn’t yet answered, I dropped the phone onto the bag and went to sit against the tunnel wall. The cool temperature against my back helped calm what still raged inside of me. Fenris crouched beside the pool, a fair distance away. His intent study made me nervous so I closed my eyes.
After a few minutes, I heard the faint lap of water and knew he’d returned to the pool. That thing inside of me gradually eased, and I opened my eyes.
He lounged in the hot spring, his arms draped wide over the ledge, and his head tipped back. The pose might have conveyed a relaxed carelessness to anyone who didn’t know him. But I did, and all I saw was the defeat in the way he held his shoulders.
I hated that I’d disappointed him, and I knew I needed to find a way to explain my tears and resistance to his repeated offers.
“You’re afraid of losing a friend, but so am I,” I said.
“You smell like lust all the time, Fenris. I don’t need to prime you for a feeding; you’re already primed.” The flush staining my cheeks grew brighter with each word. “Do you understand what would happen if I started feeding on you like they want? That lust would increase. You’d become driven to find a way to sate it. Obsessed.”
He swallowed hard, and I stared at the strong column of his throat, knowing he was listening.
“I wasn’t kidding when I said I could break you in ways that could never be fixed. Dying of want and desperate to ease the ache inside you, you’ll seek relief. You won’t care who you give yourself to. And when it’s done, you’ll be mated for life. But you won’t see that person. You won’t think of her as the center of your universe like you’re supposed to. You’ll only think of me.
“Fight me when I’m too weak to fight myself, Fenris. Because if I fed on you, I would never be able to forgive myself.”
He lifted his head, and our gazes locked.
“And if it’s you?” he asked.
“If what’s me?”
“What if you’re the one I want to give myself to?”
So many images flitted through my head at the thought of Fenris giving himself to me, but the one that stuck was superimposed over another. The image of my dad on his knees before my mom when she came to get me. The way he’d begged for her to accept him again.
An ache returned to my chest that had nothing to do with hunger. I briefly closed my eyes against the pain but didn’t try to ignore it. I let it ground me and give me focus.
When I looked at Fenris again, I let my annoyance show.
“I came here to relax. Is that going to happen, or should I just go home?”
“You know you don’t want to go home.”
“I know I don’t want to stay here if you keep pressuring me to feed. You’re not supposed to be like them.”
He flinched like I’d hit him.
“You’re right. I’m not.” He lifted himself from the pool, and I quickly averted my gaze so I wouldn’t see how the water molded his shorts to places I had no right to consider.
“Use the pool, Eliana. Relax. I’ll check on you in a while to make sure you don’t drown.”
He walked away into the darkness of the tunnel, leaving me alone with my guilt and thoughts.
I returned to the pool and sank to my chin. The heat should have melted away my tension, but it didn’t. Fenris’s words continued to ring in my ears, and I couldn’t help but dwell on what my life would be like if I fed on him and he gave himself to me like he said.
I’d witnessed what it was like with bonded pairs. Their love couldn’t be swayed and tarnished by someone like me. The idea of such an incorruptible love and loyalty without needing to use coercion made my heart race. What wouldn’t I give for that? To have someone love me, truly love me, not with mindless devotion but with a purposeful awareness of choosing me, and only me, above all others? My bottom lip trembled, and the ache in my chest grew. That was all I wanted. And it was something I would never have.
I didn’t want to be like my mom and feed on other men so she could safely sleep with Dad at night. One man. That was it. Yet, just one feeding would destroy any partner I chose.
Taking a breath, I sank under the water and forced my mind to clear. Finally, some of the tension started to fade, and my chaotic thoughts focused.
What I wanted from life didn’t matter as much as just figuring out how to live. I knew Fenris’s offer to feed from him stemmed from his need to help me find a solution to my problem. How long had it been since I’d fed? I felt like I was on the longest streak yet, discounting Piepen’s horrendous contribution.
I shuddered under the water and resurfaced to take a cleansing breath.
My strong opposition to feeding had been in stealing someone’s free will in exchange for keeping myself alive. Mrs. Quill had been a convenient answer since she’d been unaffected by me, but I’d known all along she wasn’t a long-term solution.
Sighing, I thought of the dryads. While I felt fairly certain I’d accidentally fed on the pair, they hadn’t followed me from the woods despite being seduced. That was promising. However, their lack of obsession could have been due to a number of factors, like the fact that I hadn’t fed much or that they were unable to leave their trees. Therefore, could I say I safely fed from them?
And even if it was safe to feed from them, could I? I remembered the earth and rain taste and made a small face. It hadn’t tasted the best, but it was far better than brownie lust.
Grudgingly, I thought maybe, if I was really hungry, I could—I shook the thought away. I wasn’t hungry at the moment. At least, not like I was used to being hungry. So there was no point in that line of thinking.
Fenris had gotten into my head again.
Resting against the ledge, I closed my eyes and let myself float. The gentle lap of the water and distant drip lulled me enough that I gradually drifted into a state of semi-awareness.
“You’re smiling,” Fenris said softly. “I think that means your time’s up.”
“That sounds ominous,” I murmured.
The water dipped and swelled around me a moment before Fenris’s cool, strong arms slid around my shoulders and under my knees.
“Definitely done.”
The timbre of his voice caressed my middle, and my hunger stirred.
“Shh. No talking.”
I turned my head and inhaled deeply, my nose pressed against the crook of his neck.
“You always smell good. I shouldn’t be able to smell you so much in here. You’re too tempting.”
He chuckled.
“That’s what all the girls say.”
I thought of his herd and nodded.
“I guess I’m one of them now, too. Does that mean you’re going to stop talking to me and start running away and hiding?”
“Nope. Because then you’d need to be the flirty one to come find me and talk me out of my panic. It just wouldn’t work as well.”
I pulled back to peer up at him as he sat, cradling me in his lap.
“Are you making fun of me?”
“Never.
“Better not be.”
He grinned down at me.
“I thought you came here to relax. Questioning me is not the way to relax.”
I sighed and leaned against him, languid no matter what he said. His hand smoothed over my back and my arms. I loved Fenris time.
Another sigh escaped me, and I turned my head to press my lips against his skin. His hands only paused slightly before continuing their repetitive journey. Slowly, the heat dissipated, and my head cleared.
Cringing, I pulled back from him again.
“Sorry about that.”
“About what?” He lifted his brows innocently.
If he wasn’t going to talk about the chest kiss, neither was I.
“Nothing.”
He chuckled and released me.
“That glow doesn’t seem to be fading, does it?” he asked as I stood.
I looked down at my bralette. The valley between my breasts and Piepen’s hideous glowing splat were clearly visible. As were other details thanks to the thin, wet material.
Gods, I wanted to cross my arms. Instead, I fisted my hands at my sides and forced myself to stay where I was rather than running away.
My will lasted two seconds before I scurried for the tunnel.
“I’m just going to change.”
Fenris’s chuckle echoed off the walls, but he didn’t try to stop me. I followed the passageway to the first set of pools where we’d lit a torch and set the bag. Though there was a significant amount of steam in the air, and I knew anything I put on would just get wet, I still grabbed Fenris’s borrowed button-up and tugged it over my wet clothes.
“Claiming that for your own?” he asked.
“For now.”
Not only did I wear it outside, but I also used it to dry off. Fenris held the damp shirt I’d tossed back at him and arched a brow as I scrambled to tug my own shirt on so my frozen hair wouldn’t hit my back.
“What? You’re always warm,” I mumbled, grabbing my jeans. “You’ll be fine.”
“I can smell where you rubbed it.”
I turned away from him to do a little jump-shimmy to get the jeans up my wet legs. And also to hide my smile because I’d scrubbed his shirt over Piepen’s mark hard enough that my chest was red.
“It’s the gift that keeps giving,” I said. “You’re welcome.”
When I faced Fenris again, he was already dressed. I sat on the patch of ground he’d cleared for us and put on my socks and shoes. Not that they helped much. Despite being dangerously warm while in the pools, my fingers and toes were already numb.
As soon as I finished dressing, he wrapped me in the blanket and started for the car. Even in his arms, surrounded by his warmth, my ear stung with cold by the time we reached the road.
“We need a better way to enjoy those caves,” I chattered.
He started the car, closed all the vents so they weren’t blowing cold air at me, and grabbed my hands, warming them with his.
“Like what?” he asked.
“A heated changing booth like those things the humans used on the beaches in the 50s.”
“Aren’t they still used?”
“How would I know? Even before I was stuck in Uttira, all I saw was ‘appropriate’ movie reruns.”
“What was it like, living with a dad who had such strong religious beliefs?”
I blinked at him. In four years, he was the first one to ever ask me that.
“It was hard. Conflicting. Confusing. It still is.”
“How?”
“I was told to dress lady-like, be modest, respectful, quiet. But Dad loved a woman who wasn’t any of that. He had pictures of them together. What Mom wore wasn’t modest, and she had a presence, even in photos, that said she wasn’t quiet.
“It wasn’t just how to dress. It was the way I was supposed to think. On Dad’s bad days, he wept for Mom like she’d died. I could hear him praying, begging his god to bring her back to him. On his good days, he’d write sermons about the devil and how temptation can come in many forms.
“When I started to have thoughts and feelings that were far from what Dad was teaching, I thought I’d been corrupted by the devil. I’d have nightmares of burning in hell. Sometimes, though, I’d have dreams where I did the things I was told I should never do.”
I swallowed hard and gently tugged my hands from Fenris’s and folded them in my lap.
“I was happy in those dreams. Until I woke up and guilt hit me for enjoying what I knew was wrong.
“Then, Mom showed up and told me everything I thought was wrong was actually right. That she wasn’t a demon but a different kind of woman. Watching Dad fall to his knees in front of her, though, made me wonder who was right because she did more than tempt him. She changed him.” I shook my head. “The man who preached modesty would have had sex with her in public if she’d asked him to.”
The air started to warm in the car, and Fenris opened the vents.
“Seeing how Mom fed and what happened to the people she fed on disturbed me. But learning that I was the same creature? That terrified me. It still does. I love her, but I don’t want to be anything like her.”
“So don’t be. Be who you want to be.”
He made it sound easy, but it was far from that. It wasn’t possible to be a succubus who didn’t feed. Not without dying, and I didn’t want to die. Yet, I refused to hurt anyone to spare myself. No matter what Adira and my mother said, I would cling to what remained of my humanity for as long as possible.
A sudden realization hit me, and a sick weight settled into my stomach.
I was clinging to something that had never existed.
I wasn’t human. The simplicity of human relationships, no matter how much I craved them, would never be mine.
Heart-heavy, I let the epiphany settle into my mind. In that moment, more than any previous ones, I struggled with any sense of self because the Eliana I’d been raised to be was nothing more than a lie. In a way, coming to that realization was a relief. It meant I could let go of the obligations that tormented me. Or, rather, I could try to. Letting go was often harder than holding on.
Taking my silence as the end of the conversation, Fenris shifted into gear and turned around. I thought we were heading back to town, but he turned onto a road that led to the pack homes and the cabin.
I didn’t ask where we were going since either place would be fine with me. Just so long as he wasn’t returning me to the Quills’ house yet. I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do about dinner. While I knew Mom’s invitation would trump Adira’s, I also knew that avoiding Adira wouldn’t make her go away. Especially now that she knew the tracking spell was gone.
Fenris passed the road to pack territory. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask what he would do in my shoes, but I already knew. He’d told me time and again not to run from Adira, that it’d only goad her. So, that meant attending the dinner.
I wrinkled my nose at the idea, already knowing how it would go. Why did we need to keep repeating the same process?
“That’s the second time you’ve sighed,” Fenris said. “Want to tell me what you’re thinking?”
“That Adira is annoying, and I don’t want to go to her stupid dinner tonight. But I know if I don’t go, she’ll just find a way to make me more miserable.”
He parked the car in the clearing and grinned at me.
“You’re learning. So what are you going to do to attend the dinner your way?”
“I don’t know yet, but I have a few hours of fire-gazing to figure it out.”
“That’s my girl.” He winked at me and got out, missing my blush and, hopefully, the sound of my racing heart.
Clearing my throat, I got out and looked at the expanse of trees in front of me.
“I really need better boots if I’m going to keep coming here.”
“Come on. I’ll give you another ride.”
Considering I’d kissed his chest already today, I didn’t think another trip in his arms was a good idea. For him. I’d been cold enough on the way to the car that I hadn’t noticed much of anything. But now? I could smell the lust coming off of him, and it was stirring my hunger more than I would have liked to acknowledge.
“I think I’ll walk for a bit.”
“I know you’re hungry, Eliana. You asked me to fight you when your control’s weak. Haven’t I always? I won’t ever let you do something you’ll regret. Don’t say no because you’re afraid.”
“Fine.” I turned toward him and lifted my arms limply.
“Your level of enthusiasm is astounding.”
“I’m not a fan of being carried around.”
He picked me up and started walking.
“I don’t see why. It’s fun being carried by you.”
“You were on my back.”
“And you’ve been on mine. From what I recall, you enjoyed it, too.”
My vision flickered with a surge of hunger, and I glared at him.
“Let’s not talk about that ever again. And maybe we’d get to the cabin faster if you jogged.”
He heaved an aggrieved sigh but picked up the pace. It made him warmer and smell better. While the warmth was nice, I fought not to turn my head and inhale his scent. Did he have any idea how delicious he smelled?
“What are you doing?”
The sound of his voice jerked me back from where I’d had my nose buried in his shirt. Turning my face into the wind, I shook my head without answering.
“You told me that I smell like lust all the time. What exactly does that smell like to you?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay, but not talking will make me paranoid. Piepen’s tastes and smells bad, right?”
“You’re not like Piepen,” I muttered.
“So I’m a little better.”
“You’re a lot better, Fenris. Does that help your ego?”
“Ouch. You’re being mean.”
I dropped my head back against his shoulder.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. Your lust smells sweet and rich like chocolate right now. Piepen’s smells pungent and bitter, like a skunk. The dryads smelled like earth and rain.”
“Interesting.”
“Annoying.”
He chuckled and started to slow. Ahead, I saw the cabin through the trees.
“I think I can walk from here.”
He released me and ran ahead to start the fire. Alone, I took a few calming breaths and made my way to Fenris’s sanctuary while wondering what he found so interesting in knowing how he smelled to me. I wryly grinned when I realized I was questioning a wolf’s interest in scents. Of course, he’d find that interesting. Then, I wondered if the real draw was due to the difference in what I smelled on him, Piepen, and the dryads to what he smelled on them. Probably. I guessed that was pretty fascinating.
My newly regained composure shattered the moment I entered the cabin.
Fenris crouched near the fireplace, leaning over to blow gently on the tinder until the flames grew. I wasn’t paying attention to that, though. My gaze fixated on Fenris’s bare back and the warm glow of light that played on each muscled ridge.
“Where’s your shirt?” I croaked.
He straightened, turning toward me as he pointed toward the material hung near the fire.
“It’s still damp.”
The rich, sweet scent of his lust filled my nose, and my hunger stretched inside of me as if waking from a short nap. My gaze drifted to his chest, and I remembered the feel of my lips against his skin. A tingle of need shivered through me.
“I can’t stay here.” Even as I said it, I wanted to step toward him. My stomach growled in agreement.
Fenris sighed and ran his hands through his hair.
“Stay. I need to go for a run and burn off some steam before tonight, anyway. Just put out the fire and lock up before you go.”
He strode toward the door. Toward me. His scent teased my senses.
I should have felt guilty that I was kicking him out of his own sanctuary or offered to leave in his place. However, I couldn’t move. If I did, it wouldn’t be to stop him.
The door shut behind me, and I swallowed hard, my hunger clawing at me. What was I supposed to do? I’d already admitted to myself that I needed to start feeding. What more did my hunger want from me? I was trying to come up with a course of action but couldn’t just erase my fears for the person I fed from. It would take time.
Emotionally exhausted, I moved to the chair, sat with a sigh, and closed my eyes. Fenris’s mouth-watering fragrance lingered, haunting me. My stomach growled in response, and I let myself remember all the little moments today where I’d come too close to giving in.
I needed a nap to take the edge off my hunger. Maybe, tonight, I’d give Adira what she wanted and feed off of whoever she had arranged for me. If I fed, what happened to my meal after I walked away was her responsibility, not mine.
I wished I could believe that.
