Gabriel…
I killed him.
I lost my temper. I lost control. Just as Harry told them I would. The hushed whisperings of the voices around me are angry. Talking about what they should do with me. Someone wants me locked up. He wants me back in chains. Hendrix…he’s insisting on it. Telling Grayson I’m a danger to everyone. A risk that they shouldn’t be taking. A damaged little girl who doesn’t deserve to be here. That doesn’t deserve their protection. No one agrees, but no one disagrees either. I lay here still and silent. My eyes remain closed, and I continue my pretence of sleep. A door opens. The voices disappear as it closes. I’m left alone, too afraid to open my eyes or move. What if I’m back in the dark? Thrown into a pit from which I can’t escape once more? What if I’m back in chains? What if I open my eyes and see Gabriel’s body? The look I saw on his face as he fell…I’ll never forgive myself, so why would they forgive me? I wish they never found me. My uncle was right, I am a monster. Gabriel was nothing but kind. Nothing but sweet and because of me he’s dead. Because of my temper and my inability to control my magic Gabriel’s gone for good, and if I’m not locked up, I should be. Or even better, they should just kill me. Grayson’s more than likely going to. I killed his brother. He’s already lost one of his siblings, Bias. And now I’ve taken the only family he has left.
‘I deserve to die for everything I’ve done,’ I sob, still laying with my eyes closed.
‘Don’t ever say that again. You hear me?’
The stern voice that speaks has me sitting up so fast the room spins. I’m not in chains. I’m not locked up, and what’s more, I don’t see Gabriel’s lifeless body. But his very alive one standing just across the lounge watching me. I propel myself off the sofa and across the room. He winces as I collide with his chest and his hand settles over his stomach as my arms wrap around him.
‘Easy,’ he laughs softly. I just sob and hold him tightly so thankful and happy that he’s alive.
‘I thought I killed you!’ I cry as he hugs me back.
‘It will take more than a poker through the gut to get rid of me,’ he whispers in my ear and nestles his face into my neck.
‘I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.’ I can’t stop my sobbing. ‘Please forgive me. It was an accident. I swear-’
‘I know it was, you daft mare,’ he chuckles. ‘I’m alright. It’s all okay. It didn’t hit any organs.’
I’ve never known relief like it. He’s not cross. He’s not on death’s door. He pulls away and looks down at my tear-streaked face.
‘Don’t you dare think you deserve to die. Nothing you’ve done deserves death, understand?’ He waits for my response, his eyebrows hitched and a serious frown. ‘It was an accident. No one will hold you responsible for it. No one will hurt you-’ I pull him back into my arms before he can say another word and continue to cry. He doesn’t pull away.
‘As long as you’re okay, I can face anything Grayson does to me.’
The door opens and Grayson walks in, followed by Collins and Hendrix. Grayson looks at us in each other’s arms before gesturing for me to sit. I don’t need to be told twice, so I force myself to let go of Gabriel and take a seat on the sofa.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper, too ashamed to look at them. ‘I’m so, so sorry. It was an accident. I just got so angry. I’m really sorry.’
‘I know you are. I am too.’ Grayson takes a seat next to me. ‘Listen, Lilly. This isn’t working.’
‘Are you going to lock me up?’ I ask nervously.
Grayson shakes his head. ‘No, Lilly. We’re not going to lock you up.’
Hendrix shuffles in the background looking thoroughly pissed off.
‘Are you going to kill me?’ I ask.
Grayson shakes his head once more.
‘Are you going to send me away? Because I know I said I wanted to leave but I was just really upset.’
He sighs and looks at the men standing around us. He is! He’s going to send me away. They don’t want me here. Why would they? I wouldn’t.
But I don’t want to go.
‘Please don’t send me away. I have nowhere else to go. I can do better. Please…the Hunters-’
He holds up a hand silencing me.
‘No one is sending you away. And no one is killing you or locking you up. But, you are a danger not only to yourself but to those around you.’ He sighs once more and slides a little closer towards me. How is he so calm? He almost murdered a man for lying to him. What would he do to someone who nearly killed his own brother?
‘Lilly, do you recall us referring to you as a Broken Witch?’
‘Yes,’ I reply.
‘Well, a Break is the result of extreme trauma. It’s literally a break. Your personality splits in two. One version is you. You feel everything as you should and are guided by a moral compass. But the other version…they feel no fear, no remorse, no regret. And they can be very quick to anger, which is pretty much all they’re capable of feeling. If they feel anything at all. It’s a very rare survival mechanism which kicks in when a witch’s emotions get too much. A few hours ago, you lost your temper with me. At your uncle’s, you started drowning in all the pain he had caused you. In both cases, the Broken side of you started to appear. All Broken Witches have the same signs. Their hair and eyes lose their colour. The hair turns white and the eyes-’
‘Turn lilac,’ I finish his words. ‘I saw my eyes in the reflection of a broken mirror by my feet at my uncle’s house. What does all of this mean?’ I ask Grayson.
‘It means that if you give in to that side of you, if you let it take control, you will become impossible to reason with and with the power inside you? You would be impossible to stop. Broken Witches don’t care about anyone. Not even themselves really. They fixate. Maybe on revenge or destroying their enemies. It’s never anything good. You know Toby well. I imagine it comes as no surprise to you to learn that he is a Broken Witch. He gave into his other side a long time ago. He’s been Broken far longer than not. He was loyal to us. Even Broken. It came in handy on occasion. His sheer force of will and single-minded focus was very efficient.’
‘Until he betrayed us and did a runner,’ Gabriel mutters.
‘Why did he Break? What happened to him?’ Why do I sound like I care? Maybe I do. Maybe learning that there was a reason for why he was the way he was will help me understand what happened between us.
‘We’re not sure,’ Grayson tells me.
‘Whatever it was, was violent. Brutal. Sadistic,’ Hendrix adds with a cruel smile. ‘Right up his street.’
All three men turn slowly and look at him with a ‘what’s your problem?’ expression.
‘What?’ Hendrix says with a laugh and a shrug as everyone gives him a glare. ‘Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just pointing out the elephant in the room. Little Witch clearly has some darkness in her past.’
‘What does he mean?’ I ask.
‘Like I said,’ Grayson says, turning back to me. ‘A Break is a result of severe trauma. What he’s saying is that something happened to you in your past that made you Break. A single event that you couldn’t cope with. You Broke. At some point in your past, you turned. Your hair would have been white. Somehow, you managed to come back. But the risk of you suffering another Break is high because you’ve already Broken once. When your emotions get too much, there’s a risk that the Broken side of you will take over. Which is why I hit you after you hurt Gabriel. I didn’t want to risk losing you.’
‘W-what do I do?’
Gabriel walks over and sits on my other side.
‘Learning to live with whatever it was that happened to you can on occasion help suppress the Broken side. Making it harder for it to leak out and take control,’ Gabriel says.
‘Tell us what happened,’ Grayson says. ‘Tell us why you Broke and let us help you learn to cope with it.’
‘I don’t know what happened,’ I tell him. He doesn’t believe me. He rolls his eyes and growls under his breath. ‘I truly don’t, Grayson. I have no idea what may have caused this…Break, or whatever it is that’s wrong with me.’
‘She’s a liar, as well as a liability,’ Hendrix retorts. Grayson glares at him. His glare would have me silent but not Hendrix who’s getting angrier. He points at me as he tries to contain his frustration as he speaks directly to Grayson, ignoring all of us. ‘A Break isn’t something you just forget. You can’t forget the worst moment of your life. She’s clearly lying! She refuses to talk about what happened when she did a runner with Toby. She refuses to admit what happened in that barn. She almost killed Gabriel. She could have killed me! She threatened you, Boss. That can’t be tolerated. She needs to be locked up, not given a room with a view and an all-access pass to our home.’
‘My home,’ Grayson says firmly. ‘Which I allow you to live in, Hendrix. Don’t forget that. You weren’t exactly house trained when I brought you into my Coven-’
‘I never put you or the others at risk. You know what happens if one of you dies-’
‘Interrupt me again, Hendrix, and you will be the one I lock up. Do you hear me?’ Hendrix lowers his gaze and steps back as Grayson returns his attention to me. He carries on like nothing just happened, but Hendrix stares hatefully over at me.
‘Lilly,’ Grayson says calmly. ‘A Break is an extreme trauma. It’s not something you forget. Was it Toby? Is that why you don’t want to talk about it? Did it happen when you ran away with him? Did something happen to you in that barn?’ He leans in closer. ‘Does it have something to do with your haphephobia?’ He wants to sound like he’s driven by concern. But he’s so desperate to know what happened.
‘I can’t talk about it, Grayson.’
‘I have to insist-’
‘I don’t know what happened!’ I repeat desperately.
‘What if you tell me in private. Anything you tell me will be confidential. I promise.’
‘I can’t tell you because I don’t know!’ I insist. ‘I don’t remember, okay?’ I sigh, knowing that there’s nothing to do but tell the truth. ‘The truth is…after I left my uncle’s house, I have no idea what happened.’
‘Explain,’ he says with a furrowed brow.
‘Toby came to me and asked me to look after something for him. A book. The journal you’re looking for. He said he had to go away for a few weeks and that he needed me to keep it safe. I did. I hid it for him in my room. He was gone for over a month,’ I sigh as I remember those weeks. And what happened. ‘When Toby was away, Harry found out about him. That I was in a relationship and that I’d been sneaking him into the house. He was livid. Things got really, really bad.’
‘What did he do?’ Gabriel asks.
I shake my head. ‘The specifics aren’t important.’
‘Did he cause the Break?’ Grayson asks.
‘I don’t know. Maybe. He found out about us a few days before Toby came back. Harry beat me something rotten. Toby snuck into my room late at night and saw I was hurt. I told him Harry knew about us. I asked Toby to help me. I wanted to leave Harry’s house for good, but I couldn’t do it alone. I had no money. No idea how the world worked. No friends or family to help me, just him. I begged him to get me out. Harry was going to kill me eventually. It was the most logical outcome. How much longer was he going to keep me stashed away? Harry was so angry about Toby. So angry.’ My train of thought gets diverted to the memories of that week.
‘What did Toby say?’ Grayson asks. ‘When you asked for help?’
‘He said no,’ I say simply. ‘He said I’d made my bed and I had to lie in it. He took the journal, and he left.’ An image of his pale face twisted in anger as he hissed awful things to me in the darkness of my room stabs at my heart. I’d never known what heartbreak felt like until that moment. I’d known pain. I’d known fear and suffering, but heartbreak…that was something else entirely. I look into Grayson’s eyes. ‘He left me there to die.’
‘Your uncle said you killed six men at the Miller’s farm. That that’s why he locked you down in the cellar. What happened there?’
‘I don’t remember any of that.’
‘How?!’ he says frustrated.
‘After Toby left I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, my jaw was broken. Three of my ribs as well. I had marks on my wrists that looked like I’d been tied up. I was covered in bruises and…’ I wipe the stray tear. ‘And there were burns on my skin from Toby’s fire.’ Gabriel’s hands slide into mine and his thumb traces back and forth over my knuckles. It gives me the strength I need to carry on speaking. ‘Harry came charging in screaming at me. He dragged me barely conscious into the cellar and tied me up. That’s when he told me. Six weeks ago, I’d run off with the boy I’d been seeing. That I’d killed all those people at the barn, that I’d turned into a monster with white hair and purple eyes. He said that I’d become evil and he had no choice but to lock me away. I told him I didn’t remember. I thought he was lying. I never really believed him. I thought it was a trick. I was locked down there alone for two years. Toby never came back for me, and I have no memories of what happened between me crying myself to sleep the night he left to me waking up half beaten to death six weeks later.’ I look at Gabriel and Grayson both in turn. ‘I swear to you. I do not remember.’ They both look surprised.
Grayson shuffles as close as possible without touching me. ‘The night we found you, you asked your uncle if he killed someone. Her.’ His dark eyes are desperate for information. ‘He said when you knew the answer to that, you went mad. Did he mean that you Broke?’
I nod. ‘I guess so.’
‘So your uncle believed that you losing this person was the reason for your Break?’
‘Maybe.’
‘Lilly, who was he talking about? Who died?’
‘I know you want answers,’ I tell him, looking into his dark eyes pleadingly. ‘But I can’t talk about that. Not if you want me to stay sane. Okay? Please. I will tell you anything. But I can’t talk about that. Not yet.’ A single tear slides down my cheek. It’s the only other thing I can offer him.
‘Okay,’ he says gently, tapping my knee. ‘That’s okay. In your own time. Now, I have something that I think will help you. Something that will keep you, my men and myself safe.’ He holds up a leather bracelet and places it in my hand. It’s deep red and has delicate Celtic markings engraved on it. I recognise it as the one I saw on Gabriel’s wrist on our walk in the Orchard on my first day here. But it’s what’s sewn straight down the middle in red thread that stops me admiring it any further.
‘What’s this?’ I ask coldly, knowing precisely what it is.
‘That, Lilly, is a binding spell. I used the thread from the one you wore at your uncle’s to make it.’
I get to my feet.
‘You may as well lock me up too,’ I snap, letting it slip from my fingers to the floor. ‘Put a gag in my mouth. Brand me.’
Grayson picks it up and stands in front of me.
‘No one is locking you up. Or gagging you. And no one is branding you. We put poppers on it here, see?’ He turns it to show me the fastenings. ‘So you can take it off whenever you like. It’s not a demand from us, but a request. I want you to think about this carefully. Your control issues almost killed Gabriel. You hurt Hendrix and yourself. And you almost burned to death the other night. And you are clearly not very emotionally stable right now. That’s not your fault. But it is a problem. As you continue manifesting your magic, it will get worse. One day you will present with Energy.’ He wriggles his shimmering hand. ‘Emotions can spark a manifestation. You could be arguing with your best friend and end up killing them. My house is usually a lot busier than this, but I daren’t have people here with you so unstable.’
I stare at the cuff silently as tears pool in my eyes and stream down my cheeks.
‘I’m back where I started.’ I wipe the tears, hating their frequent appearance. ‘I’m never going to be free. Not really. And I’m sick of crying.’
‘This is temporary and mutual.’ He holds it out, ready to put it on me but I hesitate.
I look around the room. Everyone has their eyes on the floor, avoiding me.
‘Do you all want me to do this?’ I ask.
‘We all discussed it, and we all agree that this is the best way forward,’ Grayson replies.
‘But how will I get any better if I can’t use my magic?’
‘We will practice your magic. Together. It will be controlled and relaxed. It will be safe. I will guide you through Energy when you present with it, and Telekinesis until then. Gabriel will assist you with your Mental magic when that appears, and Collins will train you with Physical when that comes through.’ He holds up the cuff once more.
‘What about Sight?’ I ask.
‘That one will be all on you. There is only one other that has had that gift, and he is no longer here to help.’
‘Who?’ I ask.
‘It’s not important-’
‘Who?’ I insist.
They all look at each other. It would be funny if it weren’t so frightening. ‘Tell me.’
‘Toby,’ Grayson says finally. ‘Toby has Sight as well as power over the Elements.’
This is too much to take in. My head’s ready to explode, and in the worst case of bad timing, the glass in the windows start to shake making everyone shuffle nervously.
‘We saved you,’ Grayson says. ‘We have looked after you. Helped you.’ He steps closer. ‘Now it’s your turn to help us.’
‘What if I refuse to wear it?’ I ask defiantly.
‘I’m hoping that we won’t find that out.’
I shake my head and walk to the door and away from them.
‘I can’t be bound again. I’m sorry, but I can’t. First, it’s on my wrist then it’s in my mouth, then I’m locked away. I can’t. I’ll leave if that’s what you want. But I can’t be locked away again.’
‘Lilly,’ Gabriel calls after me as he follows me out into the lobby. He closes the door behind him so it’s just the two of us and he takes my arm stopping me from walking away. I turn and see the cuff in his hand.
‘You said you liked it. When we were outside.’
‘I do. But not if it makes me helpless. How can I protect myself if I’m wearing that?’
He puts it on himself and holds out his hand.
‘Like this.’ He simply pulls it off and puts it in his pocket. Unlike the gag I used to wear, there’s no triple knot holding it in place. ‘See? You want to take it off and use your magic intentionally, that’s all you have to do. Wearing this means you don’t accidentally kill anyone. That you can sleep without the risk of becoming a barbecue.’
He takes it out from his pocket and holds it flat in his palm.
‘I would never let anything bad happen to you. We’ll all be with you every step of the way.’ He raises the cuff and holds it by my hand. ‘It’s time you faced what you are. You are the Arcane Witch. You will manifest more magic, and the powers that you do have right now will get stronger. If you don’t embrace them, they will control you. And I think it’s time you took control back, don’t you?’
I look at the cuff. His other hand is resting over where I impaled him. Hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do. It was unintentional.
‘Take control. Start your life, right now. You say you’re sick of crying? Then stop. In the lobby, you stood up to Grayson. There aren’t many people I know that have the balls to do that. Not even I do. Your hair wasn’t changing then. That was you telling him that he was wrong and that you won’t be owned by anyone. That was you taking a stand. I know you have the spirit to be the best Arcane possible. Now you just need the courage to embrace it. Embrace your pain. Embrace your fears and tell them that you own them. Not the other way around.’
‘You think I can?’
‘I know you can. We’ve waited five hundred years for you, Lilly Hooper.’
‘I must be a big disappointment.’
‘You are as far from a disappointment as you could be. What do you say?’ he asks, the cuff in his palm.
I give him my hand, and he puts on the cuff. His cuff.
