The icy water crushes my lungs and forces itself up my nose and down my throat. I kick and kick, desperate to get out from beneath the churning waves. When my face breaks the surface and I breathe in a mouthful of air, I see that he still has a tight hold of me. Dad brushes the hair from my face and shakes the water clear from his eyes.
‘I need you to take a really, really deep breath!’ he tells me in a rush. I can’t stop gasping and spluttering. ‘You listening?’ He taps my face. ‘You still with me? Keep your eyes open, sweetheart. Lilly! I need you to take a deep breath! Can you do that?’ He looks up at the cliffs. ‘We need to keep out of sight. I have a boat offshore. We need to swim. Grayson’s not the only enemy we have here tonight. Take a deep breath and let me get you to safety. Ready?’
I nod, running on autopilot, and we plunge down once more.
∞∞∞
With my head resting on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs, I shiver violently in this small boat he’s dragged me into. I listen to my dad as he busies himself, thumping and stomping hurriedly in the boat, before a thick and scratchy blanket is thrown over my shoulders. I just sit there, almost catatonic, staring at the cliffs behind us where the flicker of flashlights shoot back and forth. He rubs my arms and wipes the hair from my face. He’s talking, but I can’t concentrate on his words. Something about him not believing I’m here. That it’s a miracle we got past the guards, never mind Grayson. He gets back to his feet, and the boat starts to vibrate before we sail away.
I don’t know why, but that breaks my heart. Leaving here without my baby and with no idea what the hell has happened to her. It’s agonising. I fall on my side, landing in several inches of collected rainwater, and I sob. I sob hard.
The journey is a blur. Everything is a blur. My thoughts. My clarity. It’s all a mixture of pain and confusion. My blood seeps into the puddle of water beneath me, turning it red. The pull of sleep or unconsciousness is too strong and I slip in and out as we travel.
Finally, after god knows how long, the boat slows to a stop.
He doesn’t even try to get me to stand. He just scoops me up, blanket and all, and carries me in his arms like I’m an infant, cradling me close to his chest and whispering words of comfort.
‘It’s alright,’ he says. ‘I’ve got you. Let’s fix you up and get some food inside you, huh?’
Gently, he lays me down on a rocky surface and tucks the blanket under my chin. With soft hands, he brushes my hair from my face and takes a second to inspect the bite Grayson left on my neck.
‘Give me a minute. I’ll find something that will help.’
He gets to his feet, but before he can leave, I grab his hand and guide him back down so he’s level with me.
‘D-dad?’ I take his hand and rest it on my belly. Tears blur my vision and dread chills me even more than the seawater did. I press his palm into my stomach as hard as I can. ‘Is there a bump there?’
‘What?’ he asks. ‘Sweetheart. What-’
‘Is there… a bump?’ I look at him pleadingly. Begging him with my eyes just to laugh at me and call me a fool. Of course there’s a bump there! You’re pregnant!
Instead, he just blinks at me.
‘Dad. Is my baby in there?’
‘You need to let me stop this bleeding. Your neck is-’
‘Is she there?’
He glances down at my middle. It looks as if he tries to speak, but has no idea what to say. Instead, he lifts his eyes and silently, he shakes his head.
Everything spins wildly and the edges of my vision start to blacken.
‘Lilly. Lilly? Lilly, hey!’ He taps my cheek as my eyes start to close. ‘Fuck! Lilly! Stay with me!’
Give me the darkness. Please. For the love of God. Give me the darkness.
∞∞∞
When I next open my eyes, Dad is leaning over me, fixing up the gash on my neck. His full attention is on the needle he’s using to stitch me back together and he doesn’t notice that I’m awake. As he works and as I lay here, cold, tired, confused and devastated, I take a moment to take stock of where we are. We’re in a cave. A big one. The boat is anchored inside, bobbing away in a body of water spilling in from the ocean. The sun has risen and lights up the cavern showing a high roof of jagged stalactites and bulging stone. Drops of water fall from the ceiling and land on my face. There’s a sleeping bag to the side of the cave with a few items of clothes strewn about. A gas lamp lies beside a pillow, and several boxes of bullets are piled up next to a pair of old and beaten boots. Stuck to the wall are maps and star charts with post-it notes and string connecting them at specific points. I can’t fail to notice the extraordinary amount of empty bottles of whisky and vodka. Dad finishes securing the bandage over my wound and begins to tidy his things away.
‘Where’s Gabriel?’ I ask, clearing my throat because my voice comes out a dry and hoarse mess. As I try to sit, he stops clearing away and eases me up. ‘Where are the others? Are they here?’
‘It’s just us, Buttons. Stay still, would you? You’ve lost a lot of blood. Let me get you some food and something to drink. It will help with the lightheadedness.’
‘We need to go. We need to find the others.’
‘You need to eat. You’re no good to anyone like this. Give yourself a few minutes at least, okay?’ He holds up his hands, gesturing for me to stay put. When I nod, he rushes over to the large chest beside his make-shift bed and starts rummaging, muttering about a tin of baked beans.
As he does, I rest my hands on my flat and painfully empty belly.
More tears fall. More pain darkens my heart.
When he returns, an opened tin of beans in hand, he kneels before me, resting a comforting hand on my shoulder.
‘Let’s get some food in you, yeah?’
I take the tin but can’t find the will to eat. My insides feel like lead.
He shuffles for a moment and then clears his throat.
‘Lilly, I know you’re a little… tired. Maybe confused. I can’t even imagine what’s happened to you or what you’ve been through. But I have to ask you.’
I look up at him. He watches me uneasily with a deep frown on his brow.
‘Ask me what?’
‘Where’s the baby, Lilly?’
‘The baby?’ I reply in a strained whisper.
He nods and scratches the end of his nose.
‘What did you do with your baby? Where is she? Is she okay?’
‘I… I don’t know.’
‘What do you mean, you don’t know?’ he replies a little sharply. ‘How can you not know? Where is she?’
‘I don’t know!’ I snap back through a painful sob. ‘Where are Gabriel and the others?’ I look around the cave once more, just to be sure that I haven’t missed them standing in a corner or something. ‘Are they okay? Did they get away?’
‘Away?’ he repeats. ‘Away from what?’
‘From the crash. From Theo. You got away so they must have too, right?’ I ask hopefully.
His confused frown deepens before he shakes his head, dismissing my question.
‘When did you last see her? Was she alive? Was she okay?’ he asks.
‘Who?’
‘The baby, Lilly! Where is the baby?!’ He gestures in frustration to my flat stomach.
‘I lost her,’ I cry, closing my eyes and letting the tears spill down my cheeks. ‘She’s gone, Dad.’
‘Gone where? Where did she go?’
All I can do is lower and shake my head. His hands grip my shoulders painfully tight as he shakes me.
‘Well, when did you last see her? Can you at least tell me that?’
‘In the woods,’ I cry back, pushing his aggressive hands away from me. ‘Back in the woods, just before you and Grayson turned up.’
‘I-in the woods? Last night? You said you were alone!’ he replies. ‘I asked.’ He moves so he can see my face. ‘I asked if you were alone and you said yes! Your baby was with you?’
‘What are you talking about?’ I snap in frustration, tears and sobs still exploding from me. ‘I was alone except for Grayson, who was trying to eat me!’
‘I don’t understand,’ he replies, narrowing his eyes and slowly shaking his head. ‘You’re not making sense. Lilly, where’s the baby? Is she back at the BloodStone or not?’
‘FOR GOD’S SAKE, DAD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?’ I scream. ‘I left the Bloodstone after the spell. I transported myself away before the helicopters could kill me. I woke up wherever it was that you found me with Grayson and she was GONE!’
The word “gone” echoes over and over around the stone walls as I lift the shirt he put on me and show him my flat stomach.
‘I don’t know where she went. She was right there and now I’m empty.’ I let out a scream, which turns into a sob. ‘It’s my fault,’ I cry. ‘It was the spell. It did something. It took her away, or it killed her.’ I look into his emerald green eyes. ‘But there’s no blood and no bump. If she died, she’d still be inside me, right?’ I take his hand and rest it on my stomach, proving that there is literally no sign of her at all.
He looks at my belly for the longest time before his eyes flick back to me.
‘Lilly, sweetheart, what do you remember?’
‘Remember?’ I repeat, shaking my head.
‘Yeah. What do you remember of the second spell?’
‘I… I was at the second Bloodstone. I’d got control back. I’d overcome my Break and I was back in control. I’d started the spell. You were all there, fighting Hunters and monsters. Vampire monsters. I… I couldn’t remember how I got there, but I knew I had to finish the spell. And then…’ An image of Grayson forcing his way through the Mortem Wall flashes across my eyes. ‘Grayson came. He got to me.’ A sharp jolt of pain strikes at my neck as if the memory of it has reawakened the pain. ‘He bit me. More monsters came. More Hunters.’ My eyes dance back and forth as I recall it in movie-like detail. ‘We were surrounded. Theo was there. He issued orders. Kill and capture.’ Gabriel’s terrified face fills my head. ‘They got Gabriel and started dragging him away. Collins ran after him.’ I lift my head to meet his stare. ‘Did Collins get him away from them?’
‘What else do you remember?’
‘Erm. The helicopters were coming down. Tobias, he set them alight, but they had bombs on them. I couldn’t see anyone. I couldn’t help them. I screamed and what came out was Arcanian. I tapped into the Arcane Realm somehow and it saved me. It sent me away from the castle. Grayson must have got caught up in the spell because he ended up coming with me. I woke up somewhere else in a forest. Where you found me, it must have been far away because it was raining and it wasn’t raining at the castle.’ I look back at my painfully empty belly. ‘If she died inside me, there would still be signs of her. But there’s nothing! Nothing at all!’ My mind races with thoughts and suspicions. ‘We need to find Gabriel and the others. Make sure that they’re safe. Do you have a phone? We could call him.’
‘We can’t call him.’
‘Then, we’ll go to one of the Nomad camps. That’s where they would go, right? Somewhere safe?’
He sighs and chews his lower lip.
‘They did get away, right? You’re here so they got away too. Oh shit. Do the Hunters have them?’
‘No, sweetheart. The Hunters don’t have any of the boys.’
‘They got away?’
He nods, but not convincingly. There’s still something he’s not saying.
‘What’s going on, Dad? Tell me. Please.’
‘We all saw you burn, Buttons. You disappeared under the flames, and we saw you burn.’
‘I told you. I materialised myself away. You know that. You found me.’ And then it hits me. ‘How did you find me? How did you know where I was going to materialise? I could have gone anywhere in the world, but you knew exactly where I was.’
‘I knew where you were because you were at the Bloodstone. You were at the castle, or rather, what was left of it after the battle. It’s just craters and boulders now. Lilly, the second spell… it happened a year ago,’ he tells me.
I laugh.
He doesn’t.
‘What are you talking about? I was at the Bloodstone only hours ago. I cast the spell-’
‘Three hundred and forty-three days ago,’ he finishes.
‘That’s impossible! What you’re suggesting is impossible. What, so I performed the spell and time travelled a year into the future?’
‘I don’t think you time travelled.’ He reaches out and pulls my hair over my shoulder. ‘Look.’ Only now do I realise the length of it. ‘I think you went somewhere,’ he says. ‘And for some reason, maybe because of your Break or because of some kind of magic, you can’t remember where you were. Because, Lilly, you have been gone just shy of a year. You and Grayson both. And you see these?’ He tilts my body, so it faces the gaslight. ‘I noticed them when I washed and dressed you earlier. You see these little silver lines?’ he asks. ‘They’re stretch marks. That’s why I kept asking where she was because wherever you were, your belly got bigger.’
I gasp, tugging at my skin so I can see the marks better. I trace the thin, shiny scars delicately with the tips of my fingers.
‘She grew?’ I whisper. ‘Which means she survived the spell! I had her? But then… Oh my god!’ My heart hammers and my insides turn cold. ‘Where the hell is she now? WHERE IS MY BABY?! WHERE IS MY BABY?!’
I’m on my feet and staggering to the boat in an instant.
‘We have to find Gabriel. He can look into my memories and see what I can’t.’
He blocks my path and stops my pathetic attempts to walk to the water’s edge.
‘Lilly, wait!’
‘I NEED TO FIND GABRIEL! I NEED TO FIND MY BABY!’ I scream.
Dad leaps back, his hand settles on the gun at his hip as he watches me with fierce concentration.
‘Sweetheart, I know that you are upset, but you must calm down.’
‘CALM DOWN?!’ I scream, pulling at my hair. ‘DON’T TELL ME TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN! WHERE IS MY BABY?!’
‘We’ll figure it out, Buttons. But first, you need to calm yourself a little.’ He speaks softly, but I notice how his feet slide back. ‘One of your eyes has just turned lilac, Lilly.’ His fingers twitch on his gun. ‘Please. Look at the tips of your hair. It’s turning white. If you don’t get yourself under control, we are all in serious trouble. We need you. Not a Broken you, okay?’
I know that he’s right. I can feel it happening. My anger and fear are spewing out of me, drowning out all sense and reason.
Just like last time.
It’s one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, to force myself to settle when everything inside me is raging like a storm of terror and hatred.
‘I can’t help it. My baby…’ Words fail me. ‘Oh god… please. Help me. I don’t want to Break again.’
‘Gabriel said you would count sometimes? To help you calm?’ He nods, looking as comforting and kind as he can. ‘Give that a try, yeah? Just take a breath, and level yourself. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere and I swear to you, we’ll figure this out. Just… calm.’
I close my eyes and I count. One to ten, just as I used to do. When I’m done, and feeling a fraction more eased, I take a breath and lower my tone, fooling myself that by speaking softly, I’ll somehow stop the psychopath taking over.
‘Where’s Gabriel?’ I ask.
‘I… Gabriel… Erm…’
‘You don’t know where he is?’ I ask through gritted teeth. He shakes his head, still eyeing my hair and eye colour closely. ‘How can you not know where he is?’
‘He and the others went into hiding with the remaining Descendants. I don’t know where-’
He stumbles back as I start to growl at him.
Not me, but my inner darkness, hating his words and in turn, hating him.
‘Focus now, sweetheart. Finding Gabriel isn’t our main concern. Your baby-’
‘I don’t know where my baby is, though! I can’t remember anything! That’s why I need Gabriel.’ As I step forwards, he staggers back. ‘He’ll look into my mind. He’ll see what happened. He’s done it before. Pulled out memories that I’ve buried deep. I need someone with magic, Dad. I’ve lost my Bloodstone and I have nothing without it. No magic. No memories. I need to find him if I’m going to find my baby. We’ll go to one of the camps and-’
‘He’s not at any of the camps, Lilly. None of the boys are. Their magic is a target. They’re staying away from the survivors.’
‘Then where is he? Do you know?’
His silence is deafening.
‘Dad… we have to go back!’ I insist, trying to get past him to the boat. ‘What if I left her there? Back at the castle? What if she’s out there all alone? Cold and wet and h-hungry.’ My words turn to hysterical sobbing as I shake my head. I feel sick to my stomach at the images I see. Of a tiny baby sinking into the mud, reaching out for her mummy or screaming in agony as hungry creatures attack her. ‘Oh God! Oh God! I can’t stay here! No, no, no… What if Grayson found her? What if Hunters have? No, no, no, no, no…’ My chest gets unbearably tight and I lose the ability to form any other words. I claw at his coat, my eyes pleading for him to do something. Anything!
His hands hold my face and he looks deep into my eyes with a ferocious certainty.
‘I’m going back to the castle right now. I’ll search everywhere, I promise. If she’s there, I will bring her back.’
‘I’m coming with you!’
As I go to the boat, he stops me in my tracks.
‘You can’t.’
‘I have to!’
‘Never mind the fact that you are recovering from blood loss and exhaustion-’
‘I’m fine!’
‘You’ll slow me down, Buttons. You’re in no fit state and besides, you don’t have the cloaking cuff on you. The cuff that stops the Hunters sensing your magic? You don’t have it and you don’t have your Bloodstone so you don’t have your magic either. The castle ruins are guarded. Last night we got lucky. It’s a miracle we got out of there. We won’t be so lucky next time. Not if they can sense you!’
‘I can’t just stay here!’ Again, I go for the boat and again, he stops me.
‘You must. You’re the most powerful woman alive, but right now you’re weak. You don’t have your magic and we have no idea where your Bloodstone is. Your eye is still lilac; the tips of your hair are white. Exposing you to more danger, more stress, more death… it will Break you. I am sorry, but I can’t spend time looking after you when your child may need me. You will only hold me back. Harsh, I know. But we can’t risk that baby of yours getting hurt.’
Those words make my lip tremble.
‘Listen to me closely.’ He tightens his hold on my face and rests his forehead against mine. My tears tumble over his knuckles as he looks me square in the eye. ‘If she’s there to be found, I will find her. If someone has her, I will get her back.’ He puts his hand in his pocket and gives me a phone before pulling out an identical one from the same pocket and showing it to me. ‘No one can trace the calls between these phones. You keep it close and I will call you every hour with news, okay? If more than six hours pass and you don’t hear from me, something has gone wrong.’
‘Something like you’ve been caught or killed?’
‘Yes,’ he replies honestly and bluntly. ‘If that happens, you take the other boat.’ He points to a second boat anchored a little further out in the water seeping in from the sea. ‘You take it and you do whatever the hell you need to do. You run. You fight. You find your people and your baby. But whatever you do, don’t you dare give up!’
When I lower my gaze, unable to look him in the eye a second longer, he drops his face so I have no choice but to see him.
‘I mean it. You fight like hell to survive. Just as you always have.’ He raises his brow, waiting for my nod. Only when I give it to him does he continue. ‘This cave is in the ocean. We’re inside an uninhabited island. It’s barely a rock and it’s miles out at sea. The chances of anyone finding you is remote. You will be safe here. There’s three weeks’ worth of food and water at the back of the cave. You focus on getting yourself rested and recovered. I’ll go and let you know what I find. I know the land surrounding the castle like the back of my hand. I’ll find her if she’s there, I swear to you.’ He waits for me to nod my agreement before he lets go and heads towards the boat. I follow him, hugging my middle and fighting the urge to throw myself in the boat with him. But he’s right. I can barely stand and we have no time to wait for me to get better. He needs to go and find her if she’s there to be found. I watch him climb in and start the engine.
‘Every hour. If I go longer than six without calling?’
‘Assume the worst,’ I repeat, nodding. ‘If it goes longer than six, I’m getting in that boat and coming back to the mainland.’
‘Good. Okay.’ He nods and turns to face the mouth of the cave. ‘Okay,’ he repeats in a whisper.
‘Dad?’ I call over. He looks back at me over his shoulder. ‘Have you been living here?’ I nod to the bed behind me.
‘Yes,’ he replies. ‘I needed somewhere safe to hide you when I found you. Somewhere you wouldn’t be felt by Hunters and somewhere I could keep you secured in case you were still…’
‘Evil?’
He nods apologetically. ‘I went to the castle every day, waiting for you. Just in case you came back.’
‘You did? Why?’
‘Because I refused to believe that you were really gone.’
‘Thank you,’ I tell him, taking a shaky breath. ‘For not giving up on me. Did Gabriel give up on me?’ I ask. ‘Is that why he left with the others?’
‘He never gave up on you. He just… it’s complicated. But know that he never gave up on you.’
‘You will come back, right?’
‘The only way I leave you now is when I take my last breath. Now you get yourself back on your feet and let me do this. You let me find her. I won’t let you down. I promise.’
‘I trust you.’
‘I love you, Buttons.’
‘I love you too, Dad,’ I tell him.
‘Do you have any idea how much I adore hearing you call me that?’ he tells me.
‘Probably as much as I adore saying it. Good luck. Come back in one piece, okay?’
With a sad smile, he boards the boat and guides it out of the cave. I listen to the rattly engine fade into the distance. When it becomes silent, my thoughts start screaming at me.
My child could be out there somewhere, all alone or hurting. I could have put her down somewhere and just walked away! Or what if she died? What if I lost her and I can’t even remember? Is there an unmarked grave somewhere out there? Will no one ever visit her to lay flowers or sing her a lullaby? Jensen’s not coming back. He’ll be caught and he’ll be killed.
I let out a blood curdling, throat tearing, unhindered scream, drowning out the words she whispers mockingly in my head as she laughs sadistically at my pain.
Let me out. I’ll find her. And make those who took her pay.
‘Never,’ I snarl, blinking away my tears. ‘You will never take me over again.’
She falls silent as I force her down deep inside.
And I fall to my knees, clutching my broken heart and struggling to catch my breath.
Why can’t I remember? How can a year have passed, and it’s all lost to my mind? Where was I? Was I Broken again? What did I do?
How can I not remember my baby?
∞∞∞
My eyes are bone dry as I sit and stare at the phone, too scared even to blink. The minutes tick by until it’s been an hour.
The phone rings and I pick it up before the first chime has even had a chance to finish.
‘Dad?’
‘It’s me. I’m on the mainland and heading towards the castle. There are a few guards but I’m steering clear. I’ll call in another hour.’
‘Any sign-’
‘Nothing yet. Just eat and try to rest. The more you eat, the better you’ll feel.’
‘Okay,’ I whisper, disappointment washing over me.
‘An hour.’
‘An hour.’
‘Eat!’
He hangs up and I gently place the phone back on the ground. My attention shifts to food. Despite not wanting to eat at all, he’s right. My blood sugar is ridiculously low. I need to be strong. Everyone I love is counting on me. I’m just a liability right now and that’s not okay.
A tin of beans, three packets of crisps and two chocolate bars later, I sit with the phone and stare at the screen, waiting for the next call. I’m halfway through a large bottle of water when he calls.
‘Anything?’
‘No,’ he replies. ‘I’m at the remains of the stone. There’s no sign of her. No hints that she was here. No blankets or clothes or anything baby related.’ I hear him walking, his heavy breathing hitting the speaker. ‘There are a few guards here. I’ve avoided them so far but I also heard them talking. They know something went down last night and I heard chat of an investigation. I’m going to grab one. See what he knows.’
‘Is Grayson still there?’
‘No. Not that I can see at any rate. Shit. Gotta go.’
‘Wait! Dad-’
He’s already hung up and I give a frustrated grunt.
∞∞∞
There’s a pitter-patter of webbed feet as a large seagull wanders in front of me, looking at me with curiosity and horrible yellow eyes while I lay on the floor with the phone lying in my limp hand. It pecks my fingers and then bites the phone.
‘SHOO!’ I hiss, clutching the mobile close to my chest. The defiant creature just stands there, its head twitching as it looks at me. ‘Piss off!’ As I sit, I look at the phone and see that two and a half hours have passed since his last call. ‘Come on,’ I whisper. I jump when he calls and answer swiftly. ‘Dad? Are you okay? Have you found anything?’
‘I’m alright and yes and no.’
‘Yes and no?’
‘I snatched a guard and asked him a few questions.’
In the background, I hear the unmistakable sound of a man yelling while gagged. His yells are for help and they’re full of pain.
‘W-what did he say?’ I ask, choosing to ignore the cries.
‘He told me that after the spell a year ago, Hunters placed a few security cameras in the area. Just in case anyone returned to the Bloodstone. But the cameras are motion censored so they only turn on when they detect movement. There’s a chance one of the cameras recorded last night.’
‘Then we can see if I was alone?’ I’m up on my feet and pacing, my fingers knotted in my hair and tugging.
‘Precisely,’ he agrees. ‘The only way to see the footage is by accessing one of their main computers. This idiot knows where one is but is a little reluctant to tell me.’
The man in the background starts yelling more violently before Dad tells him to shut up with a punch.
‘I’ll check it out and I will call you, okay? I need to move quickly and think on my feet so I may not call every hour from now on. But if I go longer than six-’
‘Assume the worse. I know.’
‘You okay?’ he asks. ‘You eaten?’
I nod, but remember that he can’t see me. ‘Yeah. I have. I want to come to the mainland to help.’
‘You stay where you are unless I tell you or I go longer than six hours.’ His words are firm and final.
The seagull starts pecking at my trouser leg.
‘Fuck off!’ I snap, kicking it away.
‘Who’s there with you?’ Dad says with urgency.
‘No one,’ I sigh, covering my eyes with my hand as I sink into a feeling of uselessness and hopelessness. ‘Just a dumb seagull. It keeps pecking me.’
‘Oh yeah,’ he gives a short chuckle. ‘That bird’s given me a few scars by his nips. Toss him some food and he’ll leave you alone, or you’ll end up with him bugging you the whole damn day. Gotta go.’
He hangs up and I lower my hand, slumping from head to toe as I look to the bird.
‘So, you’re hungry, huh? Alright. Well, I suppose I don’t have anything else to do. Let’s find you something.’
I pass some time feeding the ratty old thing and find that it’s not scared of me at all. In fact, it comes and sits beside me when it’s had enough to eat and fancies a rest instead. My toe taps on the ground repeatedly. I’m incapable of keeping still and I chew my lip so hard I taste blood. I start to pace. The bird pecks me as I pass, annoyed at my disrupting its sleep.
‘Oh shove off,’ I bite back at it. ‘It’s alright for you. What the hell have you got to be stressed about, huh?’ My words tumble from my mouth as I vent. ‘I have no idea where my husband is. I could have a baby somewhere out there, one I can’t even remember having! There is a real possibility I have just sent my dad to his death to find that baby – who might not even exist – and I have no Bloodstone which means no magic and I have another stone, another spell, to complete so I can save the lives of every witch in this realm and stop a worldwide war that will destroy everyone!’ I let out a long groaning whine and clutch my chest. ‘When the fuck is the next stone due? What if I’ve missed it? Where is it located?’ I rack my brains to try and find anything about the third and final Bloodstone. Its location or if there is an event the spell must be performed by, but my memory is just as blank regarding that as it is about whether or not I have a child out there somewhere.
I wait.
I pace.
I mutter to myself and stare obsessively at the phone.
‘C’mon. C’mon. C’mon.’
I can’t take this. The waiting and the not knowing is agony.
Three hours pass like this. The knots in my stomach continue to grow and my blood fails to pump any slower.
‘Right! You know what we’re going to do?’ I ask the seagull, plonking myself down in front of it and crossing my legs. ‘My husband spent a lot of time helping me out when I was struggling with some post-traumatic stress stuff.’ I wave my hand through the air, dismissing the details and carrying on. ‘When I started to spiral, he would sit with me and help me calm down. He’s not here right now, but I remember what he told me so let’s give it a go. Because if I carry on like this, I think I may have a heart attack.’ I place the phone directly in front of me, rest my hands down flat on my knees, and close my eyes. ‘Alright then, bird. Let me teach you something about calming down and settling the turmoil of emotions that you and I are clearly going through. First! Mindfulness.’ I roll my neck and let out my breath. ‘It’s all about getting in touch with, and being aware of, the present moment.’ My voice goes low as I mimic Gabriel’s tone, reciting the words he said to me many times over. ‘It’s time to get out of our heads and clear our thoughts.’ I give the bird a final glance. ‘Maybe that will clear some space for my memories to return.’
It takes a while for the sound of the blood thumping through my ears to die down. When it does, I hear the lapping of the water. The small and distant drips of the moisture leaking through the rocks. The faint caw of the birds out at sea. And then I focus on my breathing. Each time my mind wanders, I simply pull it back to my breathing. I relax my whole body, from my toes up to my legs, my stomach and my chest. I unclench my shoulders and arms too.
Breathe in…
Breathe out…
In… Out… In.
I breathe in time with the waves. My whole body starts to slump and my head lolls forwards. After the blood loss, extreme emotional stress and drain caused by the spell, I’m soon lost in my dreams. Dreams of me stuck in a room where I can hear a baby crying, but no matter where I look, I can’t find her. The cries go from sad to terrified. Her shrill and desperate wails tear my heart to pieces. Then I hear growling. Something starts to attack and her screams gurgle in her throat and still… I can’t find her!
‘Lilly? Sweetheart, open your eyes! It’s a nightmare, that’s all!’
I wake up, thrashing and yelling hysterically. Tears blur my vision and sweat plasters my hair to my face. Dad’s arms are wrapped around me and as soon as I see him, I grab at the collar of his coat.
‘Did you find her?’ My eyes start to dart around the cave so fast it makes me dizzy. ‘Is she here? Is she okay?’ My eyes take a moment to adjust to the sudden lack of light as it seems that in my slumber, the sun has set. But I see instantly that he has several bruises and a nasty cut across his lip. ‘Oh shit! Are you okay?’ I gasp, reaching out and checking his injuries.
‘Are you?’ he asks, the back of his hand laying gently on my forehead. ‘You were having one hell of a nightmare!’ Gently, he rests his palm on my cheek. ‘Oh sweetheart. Your left eye is still lilac and your hair-’
‘What happened? Did you find her?’
‘Remember to try and keep yourself calm and level-’
‘DAD!’
He sits on the ground with me, settling his hand on my knee and shaking his head. My heart sinks.
‘I didn’t find her, no. She wasn’t there but it’s not all bad news, okay? I got hold of the surveillance footage.’
Part of me wonders how many people died or lost a limb in that effort.
‘Since the cameras only record when it senses movement, I only saw you and Grayson arrive. There was no baby. Just you two.’
‘Arrive? Where did I come from? What direction? Was I alone?’
‘It caught what looked like an explosion.’
‘Explosion?’
‘It was a bright light and then you were there. Slap bang in the middle of the screen. After a few moments, you were trying to stand up. You saw Grayson and then he woke up. You were caught on another camera, running and being chased by that vile bastard Grayson. I saw him grab you and…’ His face scrunches up in a murderous rage. I tug at his coat, urging him to continue. ‘I watched you run. I watched myself looking for you. The only cameras that activated were the ones we triggered and I checked every shot. There’s no sign of anyone else.’ He pulls out his phone and hands it to me. ‘I recorded it so you could see it all yourself. I looked. Wherever you arrived from, you didn’t have a baby with you. If I doubted it for a second, I wouldn’t have come back. You were alone. There was no baby at the castle or in the woods.’
I lower myself onto my knees and almost snatch the phone from his hands. As I watch, Dad gets to his feet and heads towards his supplies. It takes a few moments for me to realise that he has started to tend to a particularly nasty wound to his side. There’s blood trickling down past his hip and he hisses as he wipes it up. I loathe not looking at the footage, but I can’t just ignore his pain. Placing the phone in my pocket, I go to him.
‘Sit down. You need stitches.’ I gesture to his sleeping bag and take hold of the first aid box he’s pulled out from a backpack.
‘Don’t you wanna watch the footage?’
‘You said there wasn’t anything to see.’ I shrug, lowering myself to my knees. ‘I don’t really fancy watching Grayson bite me again if I’m honest. I trust you and our time is better spent looking for her. To do that, you can’t bleed to death. I need you.’ I open the box and pull out some antiseptic wipes, a needle and some silk thread. I lift his top higher and see that he’s been shot. ‘Looks like a clear through and through,’ I tell him.
‘Yeah. I’m bloody lucky it was just a gunshot. That damned Grey-Cloak was there somewhere. I recognised some of his crew. If he’d have caught up to me, I’d be a goner for sure.’
‘Grey-Cloak?’ I ask, cleaning the wound and ignoring his flinching. ‘What’s a Grey-Cloak?’
‘Not a what. A who,’ Dad says as I ready the needle and thread. ‘He’s the most vicious and sadistic witch hunter who ever lived, with more kills to his name than any other Hunter. He’s Theo’s right-hand man and most lethal weapon. The Grey-cloak has singlehandedly destroyed dozens of our camps alone. You get caught by him, you die slow. You die bloody. You die screaming, begging for it to end. But not before you tell him whatever he wants to know and he wants to know where the Descendants are hiding.’
‘I never heard of him.’
‘Well, he sort of gained notoriety after you disappeared. He killed… he killed a lot of people, Buttons. And not kindly.’ Dad’s words fade before he clears his throat and looks at the needle I hold between my fingers. ‘You gonna stitch me up?’ he asks hesitantly, wincing as he shifts, so his back rests against the stone wall.
‘I think it’s the least I can do since it’s my fault you were shot,’ I grumble, reaching out and swiping up one of his bottles of vodka. ‘This will sting.’
As I pour it over the wound, he barely flinches. He’s a tough old bastard. I ready the needle and silk and start to sew.
‘You’re good at that,’ he admires. ‘Didn’t have you down as a sewing kind of girl. Was that something you learnt growing up?’ I lift my gaze for the briefest moment. He’s watching my hands with interest until he sees me looking at him with a raised brow. ‘Gabriel told me how clever you are. He said that you spent your days reading. He told me that you could name every constellation in the sky and that you can speak French too. And that you are really quite something at playing the piano.’
‘Yeah,’ I reply, returning my attention to the task at hand. ‘I had to pass the time somehow. Harry had a decent library and Mr Simmons was militant in making sure I didn’t slack off. If you ask me, he only cared about teaching me anything so he could punish me when I got it wrong.’
‘Simmons. He was the military guy hired to watch you, right?’
‘Yep.’
‘He taught you to sew?’
‘Nope.’
‘So how did you learn?’
‘Uncle Harry had a temper,’ I say, leaning in close to his injury so I can keep the stitches neat and close. ‘Sometimes he would get a little carried away or he was too drunk to realise how hard he was hitting me. When the bleeding didn’t stop, I had to sew it up myself.’
‘Oh…’ he says quietly.
‘What did you think I was gonna say?’ I ask. ‘That I enjoyed quilting as a youngster?’
‘I’m not really sure. I just…’ I look up at him once more and his eyes are watching me with such anguish. ‘Was there anything good in your life?’
‘Before Gabriel?’ I ask.
He shrugs.
‘Anything good before Gabriel…’ I repeat in a murmur, cutting the silk and securing the knot. As I place a bandage over the wound, I think hard about that question. I continue to think as I tell him to turn so I can tend to the exit wound. I trawl through my memories and search for anything good. ‘Well, there was LB.’
‘LB?’ he asks.
‘Little bird. She flew into my window one morning and broke her wing. She was a ratty thing. Some of her feathers had fallen out and I think she was blind in one eye, which is probably why she flew into my window in the first place. I kept her in my room for a few weeks and helped her get better.’
‘That’s nice.’
‘Yeah. She was good company. Whenever I knew anyone was coming into the room, I had to hide her in my wardrobe. She didn’t seem to mind, though. Every time Simmons came in to collect me for my studies or chores, she was always quiet. She’d eat from my plate and liked sitting on my shoulder.’ I smile fondly at the memory of her little feet as they walked up and down my arm or how she would bury herself in my hair and fall asleep. ‘She was affectionate for a wild bird.’
‘Did you fix her wing?’
I nod, recalling how she flew around that room for two days as if showing off.
‘I opened the window to let her out when I knew she was well enough,’ I tell him. ‘But she wouldn’t go.’
‘She wouldn’t?’ he smiles.
I smile too as I shake my head. ‘Every time I put her outside, she would sit and peck the window until I opened it again. As soon as I did, she flew straight to my shoulder and hid in my hair. She would always give my ear a good nip too, just to make sure I knew she was annoyed with me.’
He gives a soft laugh at that.
‘Yeah, she was cute, alright.’
‘You finally got her to go?’
My smile fades. ‘No.’ My fingers slow mid stitch as bile rises in my throat. ‘Harry found her. He was so mad that I had brought – as he called her – a “rodent with wings” into the house, that he killed and cooked her,’ I say painfully. ‘And told me I wouldn’t have anything else to eat until he saw me finish the meal he made me.’
‘Fucking hell,’ he whispers.
‘I didn’t eat her. I went for three days without food before he got bored and decided the torment wasn’t interesting enough to carry on.’ I knot up the silk and apply the bandage. ‘All done.’
‘Was there anything good in your life, Lilly? Any happiness at all?’
‘There was,’ I admit. ‘But it all had darkness and usually, the darkness outweighed any joy. I had LB, and she gave me happiness for a few weeks. It ended horribly, but I’ll always have those weeks to remember. And there was Toby-’
‘Toby?’ he scoffs, looking at me like I’m insane.
‘There’s no happiness without misery. Just as there is no light without dark. Toby destroyed me in many ways, yes. But he also saved my life and sometimes, he showed me that there was joy to be had in life. But joy can’t last forever. It’s fleeting. But so is the misery. It’s temporary. Everything is temporary. One day, you’re on top of the world. The next, you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But there is always a light. Sometimes it’s just really, really far away.’
‘You’re quite wise for someone as young as you are.’
‘I’ve just seen a lot of darkness. But every time I have, there has always been a flicker of light somewhere.’ My hand rests on my belly. The hand with my wedding band tattoo marking my finger. ‘I’ve been at rock bottom. I’ve been so far in the tunnel that I couldn’t see any light at all. I tried to end my life and I meant it with every fibre of my being. It wasn’t a cry for help or an act of desperation. I just simply couldn’t, and didn’t want, to live any more. But Toby saved me. And it took years, but when I opened my eyes and saw Gabriel for the first time? That light at the end of the tunnel was blinding and I haven’t stopped looking at it since.’
He lowers his shirt. ‘So, what’s next?’
‘What’s next?’ I repeat. ‘Well, I need magic. I can use my Sensativa to find the rest of my family, to sense their magic. I just hope one of them has my Bloodstone. If they don’t, I can use my Sensativa to syphon their magic. Last time I lost access to my magic, I lost the knowledge Rebecca Hooper gifted me when I completed the stone. Those memories are gone now, too. I’m positive that when I get access to the Arcane realm once more, I’ll remember her spells. Perhaps I’ll remember where I went this past year and what happened to my baby.’
‘They will probably be wearing the cloak.’ He holds up his wrist, reminding me of the cuffs that conceal magic so that Hunters can’t detect them.
‘Shit. Okay. Let me think.’
‘I know how we can find them,’ he admits, albeit reluctantly. ‘But it won’t be easy.’
‘Why change the habit of a lifetime?’
‘So, we manage to find the others. Then what?’
‘I’ll get my baby back, do the final part of the spell at the third Bloodstone, if it’s not too late, and we can leave this hell-hole behind for good. Sound good?’
‘Sounds great.’ He reaches for his coat. ‘Let’s go find the others.’
