I’ve become accustomed to staring at darkened ceilings. Outside is silent. Everyone is fast asleep. I stir and Gabriel shifts, but I manage to prize myself free of his limbs and get out of bed without waking him. On the floor, lying on a mattress, Amara and Collins are fast asleep in each other’s arms. Connor is curled up on a chair in the corner, snoring away. Everyone is so peaceful.
Everyone except me.
I sneak across the floor, picking up a blanket on my way, and head out onto the porch with it draped around my shoulders.
Hendrix is sat across the way watching the cabin. He sees me come out but makes no effort to try and talk to me. A simple nod and he carries on sipping from his flask.
I sit on the steps with the blanket pulled tightly around my body, fending off the light chill in the air, and I close my eyes. I push out everything in my mind. I ignore the doubt and fear of what the morning will bring. I reject the questions I want so desperately to ask about Gabriel’s plan. And I try to forget the death and destruction surrounding the retrieval of my ancestors wedding ring. And the hatred I hold for the Hunters that killed so many just to try and kill us.
With a deep breath, I relax my muscles, release the tension in my shoulders and just listen to the woods living in the night. The leaves above me rustle in the gentle breeze. Crickets sing from all directions and owls hoot in the darkness. The dying embers of the abandoned fires spit their last and nothing else disturbs me. Not my thoughts, which I have made silent. Not the Nomads, who are all sleeping, blissfully unaware that today we start a spell that will change everything. And not my friends, who lie in the small room behind me, lost to dreams.
The sounds and smells of the forest at night stir a sense of nostalgia in me. The way the rotting of fallen leaves warms my nostrils. The sound of the wind weaving between branches and the crickets singing their endless song.
It makes me think of my mum.
Of the little cabin we shared when I was a small child. I find a memory popping into my mind of me playing by a small stream. I couldn’t have been more than four. My feet were freezing in the shallow trickling water as I dropped petals, just to watch them float away. I remember the sound of the woodpecker that lived close by, chirping and pecking the bark of the trees around me. I lifted my gaze and shielded my eyes from the stream of sunlight that poured in through the branches above me. I always wanted to see the woodpecker but could never find it. Then a voice sails into my memory. A man’s voice, and he’s calling my name in a cheery melodic way.
‘Lillllllyyyyy,’ he sings ‘Liiiiiilllyy? Where are you, Buttons?’
I turn and I have an enormous grin on my face. ‘I’m here, Daddy,’ I call back.
A man with long brown hair, tied back in a ponytail, joins me barefoot in the water before he scoops me up and rests me on his hip. ‘You looking for that woodpecker again?’ he asks. I nod, my curly brown hair moves around my face as he chuckles softly, tucking it behind my ear. It was before I got my magic and my hair was not yet red. ‘Well, Buttons,’ he says happily. ‘Let’s go and see if we can find him. Ready?’ He pops me on his shoulders and looks up at me as I twist my little fingers in his hair. His emerald green eyes are so youthful and full of love. ‘You’ll see him far better from up there.’
‘Don’t drop me, Daddy.’
‘Never, Buttons. Never.’
I open my eyes and look back up into the trees. We never did find that woodpecker, my dad and me. I remember that day. The things we did. Playing Poohsticks and picking up chestnuts from the ground. We searched and searched for that damned bird but never found him. Up until a few months ago, the man was faceless. But since meeting Jensen Hartley, the only memory I can muster of my long-lost father has his face. I have no idea if I put it there or if it’s the truth.
Could Jensen Hartley really be my dad?
Could the man who loved me and called me Buttons, really be the same man that stood by and watched me tortured? Watched me maimed? Who murdered poor Adam and his wife while trying to lure me into the Traitor camp?
I don’t know.
And I don’t think I want to know either.
Hendrix has somehow got himself sat beside me without making a single noise. He offers me a drink from a flask which I refuse.
‘You should wear a bell.’
‘I’m a vampire. Being sneaky is part of the package. Ya look a little lost in thought.’
‘Private thoughts. Look, I don’t want to be rude-’
‘Ya don’t give a shit if you’re rude to me. Ya want me to fuck off? I will if ya want me to.’
I laugh a little and watch as he waits patiently for an answer. ‘Do you think Jensen Hartley is my dad?’ I ask.
He swigs once more from his flask. ‘You’re both a pain in the arse. Both self-righteous and got a mean temper.’ He looks at me and gives a half attempt at a shrug. ‘It’s possible. Ya got the same eyes I guess, but don’t really matter what I think. What do you think?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t remember much about my dad. I was so young when my mum and I were chased off by Theo. But lately, in my memories, I can see his face. I’m not sure if it’s my imagination or if it’s real. He said some things when we met and I can’t help but think that he may be my father.’
‘Does it matter?’ he grunts.
‘Kinda, yeah. If the man’s my dad then-’
‘Then what? Ya gonna pick up where ya left off? Daddy daughter picnics and shit? Ya gonna ask why he left and cry about your past trauma? Or are ya gonna go all crazy and kill him?’ He waits for an answer to his serious questions.
‘I don’t know,’ I admit.
‘Like I said before, Little Witch. Past is the past. Ain’t no changing it. Man abandoned you and your mam. When he saw ya next, he did fuck all to help ya and watched silently as your future father in-law hacked you up. Blood, although delicious, means shit, kid. Your family are the people ya choose. Not the ones you’re obligated to. Trust me. Obligation ain’t genuine. Family means nothing. Actions. That’s what matters in this world and neither your mam or your dad did fuck all to spare you from the life you have had to deal with. So don’t go looking for answers cos it won’t change nothing.’
‘You know, for an arrogant, sexist and disgusting prick, you sure talk some sense sometimes.’
‘I’m old. Seen a lot. Lived through even more. I just tell it how I see it. I don’t care if ya wanna hear it and I don’t care if I hurt your feelings. If ya want babyin’, ya go talk to your gang in there. Ya talk to me when ya want the truth. And I’m happy to give it to ya.’ He sits back. ‘You chicks are always so emotional. Ya need a man reminding ya of how it really is from time to time.’
‘Urgh,’ I groan. ‘There’s the Hendrix I know and loathe.’
‘Better believe it, sister.’
‘Hendrix?’
‘Hmm?’
I lean over and give him a peck on the cheek. He looks dumb-struck. ‘Thank you. For helping me. For stopping Grayson when he’s about to go too far and for generally being nicer. I know you’re doing it for your own reasons, but-’
‘I did it for you,’ he replies, bashfully. ‘I like ya, alright? And…’ He glances over his shoulder to make sure no one is listening. ‘You tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it.’
‘You’re not about to tell me you fancy me, are you?’ I tease.
‘No, Little Witch. I don’t fancy ya. You’re kinda the first friend I’ve ever had. Ya make me laugh. And ya make me proud. Ya come a long way since I found ya in that hole under your uncle’s house. And I am completely amazed how you keep trying to be good, even after everything that’s happened to you.’
I’m a little lost for words. ‘Thank you, Hendrix. That means a lot. Can I ask you something? A favour?’
‘Shoot.’
‘If I do Break, and there’s no stopping me… Will you…’
‘Yeah?’ he asks, encouraging me to carry on.
‘Will you kill me? I won’t turn into whatever Toby is. Can you promise me that?’
‘I tell ya you’re my first friend ever, and your response is to make me promise to kill ya if ya Break?’
‘You’re the only one I can trust to keep their word that you’ll stop me.’ He hesitates. ‘Hendrix?’
‘Yeah, yeah. Alright. You Break, I’ll kill ya. Happy?’
‘Ecstatic.’
∞∞∞
As I sit cross legged on the floor of the cabin looking out the open door, Amara takes her time brushing through my hair and tying it up in a neat ponytail. Connor is trying to convince me to eat something. Anything. Holding up toast, bagels, a bowl of cereal. I can’t stomach any of it. I’m so nervous. It’s not butterflies I have in my belly. It’s hornets. Collins and Gabriel are walking about, putting stuff in bags and going over the list of supplies we may need. Without breaking his stride, Gabriel scoops up a box of cookies from the side and drops them in my lap. These I can manage. I nibble at the chocolate chips and watch the commotion.
Gabriel asks Grayson a dozen questions. Questions I’m sure he already knows the answers to, judging by the way Grayson is sighing with each response. Their voices all fade out and begin to muffle as I get lost in my own inner turmoil of what I’m about to face.
‘Lilly?’ I blink the world back into focus to see Grayson kneeling in front of me. ‘You must eat,’ he encourages, sounding kind for the first time in months. ‘It’s a big day for you. I need you on top form.’
‘It’s a big day for all of us.’ I bite into the cookie but drop it back in the box. ‘I’m so nervous and my mouth is so dry, it’s like eating cardboard.’
‘All the same, try. There are a lot of people counting on you.’
‘Are any Nomads coming with us?’
‘Just Billy. I really don’t trust anyone else right now. Only we know what we are doing today.’ He gestures around the room. At Amara still tidying my hair. Connor with his nose stuck in a book. Collins and Gabriel who are still packing up. And Hendrix who is by the door standing guard.
‘Any news about Toby? About where he went after London?’
‘No.’
‘What about Theo and Jensen?’
‘Now is not the time to worry about them.’
‘Are the rings safe?’
‘They are. Locked away in a secret place. I will fetch them before we leave.’
‘If I fail-’
‘You won’t.’
‘But if I do. Please don’t hurt the others.’
After a cold stare that tells me he has no intention of making me any such promise, he stands and goes back to organising the others. Amara leans down and whispers in my ear that it’s all going to be okay, and not to worry about them.
‘We’re all set, Boss,’ Hendrix says. ‘Cars are ready and the camp will wake in an hour or so. Best be gone before they do.’
‘Agreed.’
When I get to my feet, Amara and Connor do too. Gabriel picks up his black jacket that’s draped over the end of the bed and slides in on me, zipping it up for me. Good job too. I don’t think I could manage the zipper, I’m so nervous. My fingers feel stiff and they’ve started to shake.
‘You ready?’ he asks, pulling out the ends of my hair from the collar.
I nod, scared to let him hear the fear in my voice. I wish I could just know what his plan is, and what it involves. His hands rest on my shoulders and his blue eyes look deep into mine.
‘Trust me. You can do this. I love you,’ he says.
‘I love you more.’
‘Impossible.’ He takes my hand and walks me outside. The others staying close behind. ‘All I want you to focus on is the stone, and facing the challenge Rebecca Hooper will come at you with. Okay? Don’t worry about anything else. Not me, not Amara, not Grayson. Nothing. You hear me?’
‘I hear you.’
‘Amara, you will travel with Billy,’ Grayson orders. ‘Collins and Connor will be with Hendrix. Lily and Gabriel, with me. That way, if anyone misbehaves while we are out there, everyone will be well… protected.’
‘You mean if anyone steps out of line, we’ll be separated and easy targets for you to use as a weapon against Lilly,’ Gabriel contradicts.
‘Precisely,’ he agrees, completely unashamed. ‘Problem with that?’
‘No problem at all,’ Gabriel smirks.
Grayson stretches out his arm to the path leading out of the camp, he looks at me. ‘After you.’
With Gabriel still holding my hand tightly, we head out.
