I miss you, Kane. I have a reoccurring thought of you coming for me, finding me, and holding your arms out so I can jump into them. The thought makes my heart yearn for you. I think about you so much it burns my insides like letting a blender tear me apart. Can you hear me when I think this right now? As I lie in this sardonic darkness? I want to cry out your name in hopes you’ll hear me from wherever you are. But I know that will only bring on another beating. So, this is my attempt. I will think these thoughts as loudly as you need me to.
I open my eyes and a river of fear breaks through a dam that enters my nervous system. I am blind once more. But what did I really expect? Last time it lasted for days, I think. I don’t want to go through it again. I’d rather have the ice bath. My face still throbs and aches from the mark of her fists.
This time, I can’t control the firestorm of panic that cripples my limbs.
The blood in my veins runs rampant, yelling and screaming at all internal operations to go into crisis mode. My nerves tingle and my stomach sours, bile splashing along the walls of my esophagus. I’m a short circuit. Loose wires buzzing and fusing. Pops and explosions of misguided electricity.
And I am a coward. Because those instincts that possess someone to fight or flee the scene aren’t here at all. My only instinct is to freeze. To not move a muscle.
This is the moment I would scream for my daddy to let me out of the basement. I’d howl until my throat felt like it had been whipped. I remember the moment I went under the asylum with Dessin for the first time. The way he kept me calm during my attack of fear and flashback.
If there was ever a moment that Dessin would swoop in, make a scene, rage with an unholy fire of vengeance—this is that moment. I’d beg on my hands and knees to be that lucky.
My heart stops and stutters, and I stay still. I am unmoving, cold, hard porcelain. A doll that isn’t alive. A doll that doesn’t have a heartbeat. I am not real.
I begin to picture dangers that wait in the corners of the room. Beasts that hunger to rip my flesh from my bone. Monsters that my mind is conjuring up just like Absinthe said. The taunting warning stirs my anger.
He’s going to come for me! He’s going to kill you! I scream in my thoughts. Further in my mind, I hunch over and yell at the top of my lungs! COME BACK FOR ME, DESSIN! THEY’RE GOING TO HURT ME!
…I’m so scared.
I can hear the phantom growls lurking behind me. My teeth bite down on my tongue until a bitter stream of blood coats my mouth.
This is it. I’ll lose my mind. I’ll lose it and I won’t find it again. It will disappear into this blind landscape and it won’t wait for me to escape this hell.
Scarlett, I’m scared!
In my mind’s eyes, the darkness shifts, transforms like a puff of smoke. There’s a figure. An animal. A dark shadow that looms over me, waiting while I imagine the monsters are closing in on my cage. And it’s patient, unthreatening. I focus, trying to see the details. A beast, massive in size, far too big for this cage.
DaiSzek? It sniffs me, nudges at my hand to rise. It’s time, he tells me this with his set of cinnamon eyes.
I realize what he’s trying to get me to do. My body isn’t mine while they have me in this cage, but my mind will keep me safe. But here, behind the lids of my eyes, is DaiSzek, offering to take me someplace safe. Someplace where I can wish my body well while it withstands this isolation.
I rise as DaiSzek bows the front half of his body so I may climb onto his back. With my legs securely on either side, I wrap my arms around his fluffy neck and hold on tight. He roars at the darkness, at the monsters who exist outside of my mind, and begins to run with me latched on tightly. We vaporize through the cage, gliding through this prison with long, triumphant leaps to freedom. We race to a small golden glow, an orb of rich light at the ending of this black room.
His strides take us farther than the length of a horse.
Within moments, we reach the end of this dark pit of hell, and bright colors begin to smear the edges of this reality. Blues, pinks, greens, yellows, mixing with the black paint. And we soar from its shadows. My fingers grip the length of his fur, and I can’t imagine a better feeling than the blustery wind giving us the steps to fly away.
As the darkness drains from existence, we stride into an open field, with tall avocado-green grass, lilac flowers, swaying wisteria trees, and huge evergreens. The sun is out and shining, beaming down on my once cold skin, warming my insides, coating my long hair.
His stride melts into a slower trot. I was worried I’d never see sunlight again. I was afraid I’d never breathe fresh air again. I focus closer on the ground, to see the flowers that are evenly distributed throughout the meadow. Sunflowers in full bloom, and violet candytufts. The smell of the lavender herb fills the fresh air around us.
DaiSzek lowers himself to the ground in the middle of the field. I bring my right leg over to the left side of his body and step away. His large eyes pinpoint a spot across the horizon. I follow his gaze to a slight movement in the trees, the shuffling of leaves and branches.
A boy pushes past a cluster of twigs and leaves, stepping out into the open meadow of blooming flowers. He looks back at me, smiles, and waves.
I think I know him…
From this distance, I can see he has brown hair with cowlicks, wearing a white T-shirt with black suspenders and tan trousers. He walks over to me like he’s greeted people here many times before. As he closes the distance, I step back to be closer to DaiSzek. The boy wears a glowing white smile and a set of dimples. Wait…
I scan over his face again frantically. His smile grows wider.
“Kane?” I ask with a loss of breath.
He chuckles with a closed mouth. The sounder is lighter, less husky, less deep than I’m used to.
“Who else would be here?”
“You’re—You’re so… young.”
He laughs again. Shrugs.
The wind is choppy, big gusts, then calmness. The sky is cloudless, Aegean blue, so vibrant if I were upside down, it could be the ocean.
I think I’ll stay here forever.
Young Kane has a softer forehead and happier eyes. There are fewer creases of stress and sadness wilting his expression. He motions to the ground.
“Let’s sit?” he asks.
I follow him down to the grass and crisscross my legs. I don’t know how to rationalize what’s happening. It feels real. Have I lost my mind? First, DaiSzek whisks me out of my cage and jumps through hoops of reality to get me to this beautiful meadow where all my problems seem to swim away. Then, a younger version of Kane emerges from the forest that surrounds us. He doesn’t seem surprised to find me here. Have I gone mad?
“What is this place?” I finally peel my eyes off of his soft face and take another look at the blossoming flowers, swaying like dance partners in a ballroom.
“I call it Ambrose Oasis,” he says. “The safe place you can go when you’re scared or in pain.” His eyes almost look like honey, with a direct ray of sun setting them on fire.
I nod. But I don’t understand, not in the slightest. I’m just glad I made it out of there when I did.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He plucks a stem of lavender from the ground and hands it to me. “Here, smell.”
I take the herb from his fingers and hold it up to my nose. I inhale deeply, the lavender-infused aroma wafting up my nostrils and the edges of my brain like taking a warm shower. The scent is strong and clean.
“It’ll help keep you at peace,” he adds.
“I don’t think I want to talk about it,” I respond to his first question carefully. “I don’t think I’ll ever want to talk about it. Not for the rest of my life.”
“I thought you might say that.” A sad smile tightens his mouth. His tone implies he’s had this conversation with me before. But why am I seeing him so young? Why not the man I know now?
“Are you sad, Skylenna?”
I shake my head. “No, I’m much happier now that I’m here.” And I am. I feel an overwhelming amount of relief. Like I had a tight rope hugging my neck, and DaiSzek cut me loose. I can finally breathe. I can let the muscles in my neck relax. I can enjoy the warmth of the sun on my skin. The breeze carrying lavender running through my hair.
But that feeling of relief is suddenly replaced with a twinge of fear.
“Wait. I don’t have to go back, right? I can just… stay here.” My back is stiff and I’m ready to run. Sprint away from the reality that might be fast enough to catch up with me.
Kane’s eyebrows knit together in empathy. “You can stay here.”
My shoulders fall and I let go of the air trapped beneath my chest.
“But if you do, you’ll never find your way back to him.”
“Him who?”
His eyes narrow. The way Dessin’s does when he wants me to figure something out for myself.
“You mean—”
“I mean, Kane and Dessin. The Kane and Dessin that are nine years older than I am now. The ones that are waiting to see you again.” Even in his youth, he’s always had those intense eyes that are both warm and concrete with knowledge. I miss those eyes so much it hurts.
My lips part and I feel the pain of losing them in the outskirts of my soul.
“I want to see him again. More than I’ve wanted anything. But I’m starting to lose hope. It’s been months. There’s been no sign of him. And that’s not like him! He would never leave me in a place so horrendous this long. He would cross over every layer of hell and beyond to rescue me. There would be no force strong enough to hold him down.”
My words shiver as they leave me and float to him. They are weak and heavy with a heartbreak that sits on my shoulders like a backpack full of cement blocks.
“Why do you think he hasn’t come for you yet?”
I frown. “I don’t know. I guess I’m afraid something terrible happened to him. I won’t let myself think about the possibility that he might have been killed. If he was, then why would Albatross keep me locked away? I’m leverage. I must be. But if he is alive, then maybe… maybe Albatross was right about him. What if Dessin isn’t as superior as he believes? What if he is a sad victim of a horrible psychological experiment? It will destroy him if he figures that out.”
Kane tilts his chin downward to get a better look at me.
“Those aren’t your only theories, are they?”
I look up at him from under my lashes. I shake my hand and place my face in my hands. I can’t talk about the last thought that dwindles around my subconscious like a murky devil swimming through my feelings in toxic wastewater.
I exhale roughly. “I’m scared… I think there’s a chance I imagined him. It’s not entirely ridiculous. I was experiencing great loss at the time we first met. I lost my father and then Scarlett back to back. I witnessed both of their deaths. There’s only so much pain a person can take before they crack into a million tiny pieces. What if I made him up to survive it all, Kane? What if he isn’t even real? What if I lost my mind?”
He sighs. Clasps his hands over his lap. “What would you do if that were true?”
I unload a frustrated laugh. “What would I do?” An uneven sigh. I lower myself, settle on my back, facing the sky and the purple wisteria frolicking in the heavy wind. “I couldn’t go on. He’s the reason I’m alive. The reason I’m still going. I wouldn’t have joy without him. I wouldn’t have happiness.”
Kane lies down next to me. “Why is he your reason for happiness?”
I laugh again. “I guess you started psychoanalyzing at a young age, huh?”
He shrugs and grins back at me. “Just talented, I guess.”
“Very.” I nod. My smile slips away. “I don’t exactly know why I’m so happy when I’m with him. Maybe because he’s the one that saw me at the asylum? Really saw me, flaws and all. He brought me out of the dark place I was chained to when Scarlett died. I guess our friendship is more of a connection than I’ve ever had with anyone. I’ve clung to him through everything.”
Kane watches me carefully. His young face full of curiosity.
“I don’t know why…” I add. I turn my head to face the sun again. I do know why. I’m just scared to say it out loud. He rejected me after we kissed. And then we slept together. After that, I’ve done my best to not beg for him to want me romantically. I don’t want him to think I’m desperate.
“It’s okay to say it here. We’re in your safe place, remember?”
I blow out another breath, dig my fingers into the grass, and shut my eyes.
“I love him.” The words are like double-edged swords. They shock me as I pull them from my heart. “I love him so much. I can’t lose him. I have to see him again.”
“I know,” he whispers.
