Mila Hart.
I’d imagined seeing her again, but at the same time, I’d hoped she was nothing but a memory.
When Jace said she was back, I didn’t want to believe it. Memories of good times came flooding back, and I didn’t want to think about that shit. It only made me weak, reminding me of everything I’ve lost in the past four years.
I’m angry she disappeared from my life. The last four years have been hell. I needed her, and she left me. She left me to deal with my drunk, junkie dad, the asshole who treats me like a worthless piece of shit. Without her here to chase the demons away, I’ve become more messed up than ever. Fighting away my pain and scars.
She’d always been in my corner, no matter what. I loved Mila Hart, and she tore my heart into shreds when she left.
Saturday night, she blew everything up. She destroyed me.
She was my first kiss. I was hers.
Or so I’d thought.
How could she lie to me like that? Our kiss had been my best memory. I’d held tight to the knowledge that she’d chosen me to be her first. That she’d wanted me, the boy who had nothing else to give her. I came from nothing; I could barely feed or clothe myself. All I could offer her was a hug every day. Even then, I’d been selfish. The hugs weren’t for her…they were for me.
We’d picked daisies, and I would put the best one behind her ear. I didn’t have anything else I could offer her but my love and protection.
That’s over now.
All those memories have been tarnished with her lies.
I want to know the truth, want to know which one of us was first. Deep down, I know it wasn’t me. Why would she pick me first when Jace lived right next door? They were friends since birth. And Hunter was charming, always making her laugh. But me…I was called quiet and moody by a few. Scary by most. And a worthless piece of shit by one.
I hadn’t made her laugh with jokes. I hadn’t known her forever. Why would she even come to me, unless it was out of pity? She’d kissed me so I wouldn’t be left out. If Jace, Hunter and I had talked about it, we would have come to the conclusion she didn’t want me to be the only one she didn’t kiss.
But we never did. I hadn’t wanted them to know I broke the pact, so I stayed away from them after she left. I was worried they would see it on my face. They would know I kissed her, and they wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore. They would leave me just like she did.
When they didn’t question me about it, I knew they didn’t suspect a thing. I held that secret from them. It wasn’t the only secret I’d kept over the years. But I knew one day they would find out the truth. One way or the other, the truth always came out.
And it was always ugly.
Now I’m her partner in class like some cruel twist of fate. Of course my name was drawn last. I’m not someone who gets picked first for anything.
I don’t know how to feel. I want her back in my life, but she doesn’t know how dark and fucked up it has become. There are things I shield Hunter and Jace from. If I open up to Mila, I won’t be able to hide those things from her. She’ll see right through me. She could always see through my mask.
She smells nice. It was the first thing I noticed when I sat down beside her. She has changed so much, but so have I. She was just a few inches shorter than me before she left, now I tower over her with my six-foot three frame. Her hair is the same, always so shiny and smooth. My fingers itch to stroke it.
I hold myself stiff, willing myself to not look at her.
When she reaches out to me, my skin crawls, and I see red. I want to grab her wrist to stop her. I have to curl my fingers into fists to stop myself.
No one touches me. No one.
I grumble in warning. I can’t form words in this state, and I don’t want to hurt her. I want her to stay away.
No, that’s not the truth. I don’t want her to stay away; I need her to. It’s best for both of us. With all the shit I’m mixed up in, I can’t care about anyone. They will see it as a weakness to take me down.
“Sorry. They’re so beautiful, I got lost in admiring the artwork.”
Her voice hasn’t changed. There’s still a musical quality to it that makes my heart race. Like the first time we met, and she hugged me after I shoved Hunter and Jace down. She wasn’t a normal girl, that’s for sure. That’s why we’d needed to form the pact. Why it has to stay in place. To protect ourselves from being hurt by the only girl who could ever break us apart.
I finally register what she’d said—she was talking about my tattoos. She wants to see more of them. I know what she’s looking for, and if I show her this, she’ll know how much she meant to me. Even now, do I want her to see that?
I do.
I flip my left hand over, exposing what completes the design. I had Ronnie down at the shop do this one. All summer, we worked on this tattoo. It might look like an underwater ocean scene, but it holds much deeper meaning.
No one would understand the importance of it unless they know me. There are three who know me. Two people who see what I let them. One person who knew the real me, but that was four years ago. A lot has changed in that time, and now I want her to see.
Will she know…?
I hear her intake of breath and glance at her out of the corner of my eye. Her hand is over her mouth, and she moves closer to me, her finger tracing the air close to my wrist but not touching. I hold still for a moment. She sees. She knows.
Realization strikes. I’m not ready for that box of emotions to open. So, I yank my hand away and cross my arms over my chest to block her from seeing any more.
She hadn’t forgotten me. She remembers, but that was the old me. Mila wouldn’t like who I am now.
I don’t even like me.
