Aelin
When the bell rings, I swipe my palms over the skirt of my short red trapeze dress. Jason’s here.
I check my reflection in the mirror of my bedroom one last time and kick my golden sandal’s heel back with a smile.
Gabe and I have been dating for nearly two months now, and I asked if we could stay in tonight, so he sent Jason to pick me up.
I arrive at his door around 8:00 PM and raise my fist as the door opens on a so-sexy-I-could-die Gabe in jeans and pale blue t-shirt that shows off his muscled chest.
“Gabe, hi.”
His heated gaze caresses my body, and his voice is all growly as he pulls me in and closes the door. “Fuck, baby. Are you trying to kill me?”
No, I need you very much alive for what comes next.I curl my arms around his neck and shiver when he cages me between his warm body and the cool door.
Then he kisses me, and I lose myself in him. The slight abrasion of his denim pants on my naked legs, the hardness of his penis pushing in my belly, and his tongue making love to mine make me tremble. I suck on his tongue, and his groan vibrates through me setting my body afire.
When Gabe slants his head back, his breathing is rough, and need carves in deep onto his handsome face. God, I love this… This power I hold that makes him look like this. I peck his mouth and grin.
“How was your day?”
He groans in response, and I giggle while he pulls me by the hand to the living room. As I settle beside him at the beautifully set table, I raise my bent right leg up slowly, hook my knee high before placing it over my left leg letting the already short dress rise high on my thighs.
He tracks every motion before delving burning eyes to mine, and the sense of feminine power takes root. Yes, tonight will work.He’s trying to be a gentleman—I pray this is what it is—and every time our make out sessions heat up, he stops and takes me home.
But not tonight. Tonight,Gabe will have to give in.I clench my thighs together at the thought of him inside me. We catch up on his week and mine while Michelle serves a delicious roasted salmon with other yummy things I’m too nervous to truly enjoy.
After dinner, we move to the living room where I nestle against Gabe on the couch. He tightens his arm around me. “You’re okay, baby? You’re quiet.”
I sit up and kiss him soft. “Yes.” My heart races.The women in movies make it look so easy. “I went shopping.”
Gabe’s eyes warm up as he smiles. “Oh, yeah? what did you buy?”
Perfect.This is exactly the overture I need. “Let me show you.” I stand on shaking legs before him. His burning gaze caresses me as he sets his elbows on his thighs.Good.
I reach for the back zipper of my dress and lower it slowly. When it falls at my feet, I step out of the clump and between his legs. The set of deep ruby underwear I bought laces around my chest, criss-crosses around my waist reminiscent of the picture in the Kinbaku book while the panties are cut off to leave just a small triangle of material over my mound.
“Fuck, baby.”
Yes.Growly voice and possessive heat in his eyes. His eyes never leaving mine, he curves his palms at the back of my knees and presses until I straddle his lap. Shivering, I frame his face as he leans back, and I kiss him. From the moment our lips touch, I sizzle. Gabe pulls me tight against his massive erection, and I rock my hips while the need seizing me is so sharp, it brings tears to my eyes.
When he opens his mouth on my neck, I moan while my lower belly clenches.. When Gabe stands up, I tighten my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist.Finally.
“Gabe.”
After one step, he stops, and I snap my eyes open as he unhooks my legs and sets me on the floor before him. “Gabe…”
Without a word, he picks up my dress, and my throat clogs. Although his eyes are gentle, his jaw is clenched tight as he slips the dress over my head. On autopilot, I slide my arms in the sleeves, and Gabe zips my dress up. When he frames my face and touches his forehead to mine, my chest knots, cutting off my breath.
His voice is rough. “Not tonight, baby.”
Then when?I slant back to lock my eyes onto his, and something breaks inside me. Rips through my chest weakening my legs. I grip his t-shirt and close my eyes until I can take an almost full breath when he pecks my nose, and exhale slowly as he shifts back.
“Let me take you home.” His voice is fuzzy cutting through the haze of pain.
I must have nodded because he kisses my head. When my clutch touches my hand, I jump. Gabe grabs his cell from the coffee table to call Jason and as he turns back to me, I find my voice. It’s small, but it’s there.
“I want to go home by myself.” When he frowns, I touch his chest. “I’ll see you soon. I just need a little time to myself tonight.”
“Baby—”
“Please.”Don’t make me be with you knowing you don’t want me.
He cups my cheek. “Okay, baby.”
Holding his warm hand to my frozen face, I kiss his palm. “Thank you.”
****
It’s late and after tossing and turning in my bed for hours, I give up and creep to the kitchen. I pass the small living room where the light filters under the closed door. Cara’s still up. Busy working on the conference.
The scent of chamomile fills out the kitchen and I stare at the amber liquid in my mug on the counter. I’m too numb to scream I reach for my mug. It slips from my grasp. And shatters on the kitchen tiles.
Even my favorite mug doesn’t want me. Tears burn behind my eyes as I grab a towel and kneel to the yellow pieces of my favorite mug swimming in tea.
“Are you okay, angel?”
I whip my head up to Cara who stands in the doorway of the kitchen with a grin.
“I’m fine, just distracted,” I say while I pick up pieces of the broken ceramics.
She crouches besides me to help and within minutes, the kitchen floor’s clean and safe to walk on again. Pushing on my knees, I restart the process of making tea.
“Is it Gabe?”
My back stiffens. Since Gabe and I are dating, every time she hears his name, she pinches her lips, or she scowls.
A few weeks ago, after a lingerie shopping spree with Em, I spread my splurge on my bed. I was grazing my fingertips on an intricate black lacy set when Cara knocked on the door left ajar. I twisted, happy to share my new obsession with her, but her disapproving expression burnt a pit in my stomach.
She edged to the bed. “What’s all this?”
I lifted a purple gossamer half cup bra against my chest, “Isn’t this absolutely gorgeous?”
Her eyes locked on mine, she frowned. “Did Gabe ask you for … that?”
“No, but—”
“Angel, you shouldn’t feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to.”
I sat on my bed, pulled her beside me, and took her hand.
“You’re doing it again, my Cara.”
Her frown deepened. “What? What am I doing again?”
“The first place you go to is that Gabe somehow has taken over my mind, and I couldn’t possibly choose to do this for myself. I’m not sure why you still see him as this … ogre who’s controlling me or forcing me into things.”
She squeezed my hand and my heart raced at her expression “Angel, I left you once with a monster…” her voice broke, and I wrapped her in my arms. When she exhaled a trembling breath, I brushed the tears from her face.
“But you also saved me, my Cara. Gabe is not evil nor is he a saint. He’s a man, a real person who can hurt and care for his brother. Same as me, same as anyone else. I believe him when he says he’s sorry and I feel good when I’m with him, happy, and silly, and so many other things.” I took a deep breath. “These…” I pointed at the pile on my bed. “…these make me look and feel so good, my Cara. And I love that, and yes, one of the reasons why I love it is because I want Gabe to see them on me and go crazy.”
She grumbled which made me smile. “I’m not sure I want this giant to go crazy around you.”
This time a giggle broke out of me. “Mitch is as tall as Gabe.”
“Whatever.” Her tone was gruff, but she was smiling. “Okay, angel,” she whispered before she exited my bedroom, and that was that.
Keeping my back to her, I grab another mug. “It’s okay, nothing bad.”
The floral scent of her body moisturizer gets stronger as she gets closer. “Angel, you know you can talk to me about anything right?”
I pivot toward her and slant my hip against the counter. “Even about Gabe?”
She cups my cheek. “Yes, anything.”
My mouth drops, and I bow my head to stop the tears swelling up in my throat.
“I swear if he hurt you again, I’ll murder his ass.” Cara hisses under her breath. When I snap my eyes to hers, she wink. “But I promise not to do it if you prefer to do it yourself.”
I shake my head. “I’m going to break up with Gabe.”
Cara stares at me for so long, I shuffle on my feet and bite on my bottom lip.
She frowns. “Why? What happened?”
I shrug and when my eyes meet hers, she pulls me into her arms. “Come here, angel.”
Burrowed into her arms, we settle on the sofa in the living room where I hug my legs while Cara sits close and watches me with worry in her eyes.
“Cara?”
“Yes, angel.”
“Why do you call me ‘angel’?”
I rest my chin on my knees while Cara sits back to face me and grins.
“Because you are. When you came to live with us, you were so quiet and little, then one day, Mom organized one of her lah-di-dah bullshit picnics and dressed us in white dresses. We were in the backyard, and I don’t know how, but five minutes later, you were covered in mud and Mom was having a fit because your dress was new. But you didn’t care, you just held my hand and said, ‘It’s okay if I’m dirty. I’m an angel’. You looked up at me with so much confidence with that big grin of yours and you became my angel.”
I don’t remember that day, but as far I can recall Cara has always been my whole world and I only wanted to spend time with her.
She strokes my hair. “Why are you asking? What happened with Gabe?”
I shut my eyes and askthequestion. “When our father did… After he violated me, did you think different of me?”
“No! Come here.” She unhooks my arms and holds me against her.
I pull back to get her eyes. “Did you think I was … tainted, damaged?”
Her eyes blaze with barely contained anger. “Did he say that to you?”
“I was changed after. Is this why you were so protective of me? Because I was … broken?”
“Jesus. What did that asshole say to you?”
“He didn’t say anything. Do you think I’m broken, my Cara?”
“God no. What Dad … what that monster did to you, broke a part of you but not you, not
who you truly are. You were a baby and you still managed to build beauty and love around what he did to you. You’re even more my angel now than you were then.”
Something unfurls in my chest and breaks a dam of tears. “Are you proud of me, my Cara?”
She cups my face and drills her eyes into mine. “No, Aelin, I’m in awe of you.”
I return to the safety of my sister’s arms, and we stay like this for a while, lingering in the moment until I sit up. “Since I told him about what happened to me, Gabe won’t have sex with me.”
“But that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
I’m too ashamed of my pathetic attempt at seduction to talk about it.I shake my head slowly and nibble the inside of my mouth “I don’t think that’s why he’s doing it, he’s … scared to touch me as if I’d break. I asked him if he still wanted me, he said yes but… I don’t think he does. Not like before.”
Cara’s eyes soften. “It’s good that he’s careful, it means he likes you, angel.”
I groan. “But I don’t want him to like me, I want him to fuck me.”
Cara’s eyes and mouth open wide before a grin slashes her beautiful face. She tries to talk while her chest shakes with laughter, so within seconds we fall into a fit of laughter. When our hilarity settles down, I rest my head on her shoulder and sigh.
She kisses my hair. “Have you told Gabe how you feel?”
I shake my head. “All we do is talk and eat and watch movies. When we make out, he stops when it gets…” I clear my throat. “…and drives me home.” I find refuge into her arms once more. “Gabe thinks I’m damaged and keeps saying we should wait. I don’t get it, we were so good when he thought I was experienced and now, he…” I shrug again. “That’s why I didn’t want to tell him.”
Cara grins. “Personally, I like that he’s careful with you, that means he cares.” When I roll my eyes, her smile widens. “Talking about angels. Michael and Gabriel?”
Their parents must have had a thing for angels.
She kisses my head. “Talk to him, angel.”
“I did. I don’t want to talk anymore.” I growl, and we laugh again.
****
The magazine photoshoot is in full swing, and the stylist is retouching my hair for the hundredth time. I insisted my whole team be present for at least one picture, so we’re all posing around one of the stone benches
We’ve been at this for three hours. Earlier, theElle Décor’steam placed us at the bottom of the grand stairs, but the photographer thought it looked too much like a class photo, so we’re here but the wind picked up and the styling team is not happy.
I open my mouth wide to unlock my jaw and relax my cheekbones. Jen and I are seated on the bench while John and Piotr stand behind us.
The two men stopped talking altogether an hour ago and just grunt and bare their teeth when asked to smile.
The photographer’s head is bent over his camera while he yells at us. “That’s it! You’re happy! Show me happy!”
I peer up to John, who gazes up at the sky and turns a scowl at the lens while Piotr crosses his arms on his chest looking like a pissed off Mr. Clean. I bite my bottom lip to stop the giggle threatening to erupt which ‘ruins’ my lipstick and triggers a shriek of horror from the make-up artist.
When Piotr mutters something in Russian we don’t understand but can easily guess, I grab the edge of the bench and dip my chin to hide my smile. Jen bumps her shoulder to mine. Her grin sets up a domino effect until we all laugh so hard even the photographer joins in.
The artistic director finally approves of the group shot and Piotr disperses fast while John disappears inside the house. He comes back with two cups of coffee from the catering table set up on the ground floor opposite the grand stairwell.
After settling beside me, he hands me the cup. “Here.”
I wrap my hands around the cardboard cup to smell the coffee while I scoot sideways to make him some room.
“How are you, Ael?”
I smile. “I’m okay, Johnnie. How are you?”
We haven’t seen each other since we’ve finished the work on Holloway, and I haven’t had time to visit him at his workshop in Plymouth. But to be totally honest, I’m angry with him for wanting us to date again.
Cara and I met him at the Rainbow house one day he was delivering a table he made for them, and I was fascinated by the quality of his work, so I asked him how he did it and he was really good at explaining his process, and we became friends.
Like most men involved in the charity, John is very protective of women and children which makes him a strong ally. We naturally moved from friendship to dating. I was nineteen, coming into my own, figuring out who I was and what I liked.
Our very first kiss was soft, tender, and with very little tongue. I liked making out with him, so we did it often and within weeks, I was ready to take it further.
One evening, we were sitting in the living room of the upstairs apartment we rented above the bar Cara and I were working in. She liked him for me and that evening she’d made us salmon lasagna and a pear fondant for dessert.
After dinner, I led him to the couch with me and kissed him. I deepened the kiss and I still remember the goosebumps on my skin when he slid his hands up my arms and my anticipation at the idea of being naked with him. He grabbed my hand to hold it against his chest and pulled back from the kiss.
He smiled and squeezed my upper arms. “Aelin, we don’t need to do this if you’re not ready.”
I was, so I knelt next to him and cupped his face to kiss him, but he just hugged me. He gently pushed my face in the crook of his shoulder and made shushing sounds while petting my hair.
Sitting back on my haunches, I looked at him while tears pressed behind my eyes. “You don’t want to do this … with me?”
He placed his hands on my shoulders with a solemn expression. “Aelin, after what happened to you, we can take it slow. We’re friends and you don’t have to throw yourself at me.”
Throw myself at him?I stared at the expression on his face—a strange mix of kindness and aversion.
“Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry, John.”
“It’s all right, Ael.”
When he kissed my cheek before leaving the apartment, I smiled. A week later, I broke up with him. The next few weeks after that were awkward, but we eventually became friends.
After John, I dated often, and everything would go well until I talked about my past— without details about the exact nature of my ordeal—and asked them to be patient with me. I was gentle because I was lucky to date good guys who were shocked—some were horrified— but I was always straightforward because I wanted it to be a two-way conversation. But different versions of the same thing invariably happened. They left. Because they didn’t want the pressure of being my first, but the ones that hurt the most were those who weren’t ready for a serious relationship and just wanted to have fun.
I wanted fun, too.
John nudges my arm and hauls me back in the present. “A penny for your thoughts.”
I take a mouthful of coffee and he stands up with me. “I’ll see you at the grand opening?”
John nods and cups my cheek. “Have you thought about what we talked about?”
Oh, no.
“John, there’s nothing to think about. We’re friends and that’s all I’ll ever want us to be. I’ll understand if you don’t want to stay in my life and I’ll have to grieve the absence of one of my closest friends, but we’ll never be anything else and I need you to hear that.”
I kiss him on the cheek and walk away.
****
“I love this song!”
“What?” I shout back to Emma before we fall over on our seats laughing.
She puts her mouth right to my ear. “Let’s go dance!”
A little tipsy and sweaty, I nod and we dance our way to the crowded dance floor.
Emma and I dance and jump until the next song when she moves her rounded fingers to her mouth. “I need a drink. Do you want one?”
“Water.” She frowns. “Wat-er!” She pulls her thumbs up and gets swallowed by the crowd as she sways toward the bar.
The singer’s voice croons about writhing bodies in between rumpled sheets, and I think of Gabe. About his mouth all over me, his hands holding and moving me where he wants me to take me hard and deep.
Hands grab my waist from behind. I yelp. And spin toward the owner of the intrusive fingers. Another tall, man-child grins at me while gyrating his hips like someone who can’t dance. I can’t hear what he says but I’m not really interested, so I smile and turn around.
When the same hands try to grab my breasts, I take the two thumbs and bend them outward until frat boy yells louder than the music, and I dance out of his reach.
I arrived in New York yesterday morning for a break before the Holloway House grand opening in two weeks. I’m also tired of obsessing about sex with Gabe or rather the lack thereof.
After grabbing my drink, I check my messages, and frown. I have a voicemail from Gabe which is unusual. I step in the lounge area of the club and listen to the garbled message twice and call back.
He picks up straight away. “Aelin? What’s wrong?”
“Uh, nothing. You called me, but I couldn’t understand the message. Are you okay?”
“Where are you?”
“I’m in New York with Emma. So, what was your message about?”
“I just wanted to talk with you.”
“Oh, I’ll talk to you when I get back then.”
“Aelin…”
“Okay, bye.”
Well, that was a waste of time. Now, I’m annoyed for calling him. I go back to Em who’s in mid-kiss with the attractive guy who’s been watching her since we entered the club and wait for one of them to come up for air. When she does, I tug her hand.
“Em, I want to go home, sweetie.”
She frowns and checks her cell. “Already? It’s only three something.”
I’m about to reply when my cell vibrates in my hand. It’s Gabe.
Emma grins while her kisser scowls at me. “Go answer your man and then we’ll go.”
I nod before returning to the lounge. “Hi, Gabe.”
“Aelin, when will you be back?”
I sigh. “The day after tomorrow.”
“You didn’t tell me you were leaving.”
I roll my eyes. “No, I didn’t.”
“Why not?”
I pace the darkened room. “You don’t tell me when you leave and frankly I didn’t think we had this kind of relationship.”
A girl’s head perks up from one of the low couches in the corner of the otherwise deserted room. She grins before she returns to her nap.
Gabe’s deep timbre yanks my attention back to my cell. “What do you mean?”
“Exactly what I said. I —”
“Fly back tomorrow, we’ll talk.”
“Let’s do that on Sunday. Bye, Gabe.”
Idiot. Him. Me. Idiots.
Back to Em’s apartment, I step out of the shower to find her sprawled out on the couch sound asleep. I remove her shoes and earrings, cover her with a blanket and go to sleep in her bed.
We spend the next day indoors with Sam and Mindy, and after a last cuddle with Sam, we grab a taxi to the airport.
At my departure gate, Emma squeezes me tight. “I love you, Ael.”
“Love you, too. I’ll text you when I land.”
Back home, I’m making my way to the exit when Jason appears before me, and I jump.
He chuckles and extends his hand. “Hello, Ms. Aelin. Can I take your bag?”
I pull my wheelie bag behind me. “Jason, what are you doing here?”
His lips press around his smile. “Mr. Matthews asked me to pick you up and take you to his house.”
Of course he did.“Jason, I want to go home. Go and I’ll tell Gabe it was my decision, so you won’t get in trouble.”
He nods and his lips twitch. “Ms. Aelin, let me take you home and you can call Mr. Matthews from the car.”
Once in the car, I take a deep breath and pull my cell out. “Hi, Gabe, I—”
“Where are you?”
“On my way home. I’m tired. I just want a hot bath and go to bed. Can we take a rain check? I’m going to Rainbow to set up two new bedrooms and I had a full weekend. Can we say next week Thursday or Friday?”
My heart races during his long pause. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
I’m just tired of begging you for sex. “Just busy. I’ll see you next week.”
“Okay baby, rest well. Good night.”
“Night, Gabe.”
When I get home, I cry in my bath and again under my duvet.
****
Gabe
She’s avoiding me.
I slam the door of my office behind me, open my laptop, but all I can think of is her.
It’s difficult enough to resist her when she keeps wearing those sexy dresses and fuck-me shoes. When she stripped wearing that red ensemble, I nearly came in my pants, and it took every ounce of my drained willpower not to bury myself inside her. And ride her hard until neither of us could move.
But this distance between us is far worse. And the thought of other men seeing her, touching her, making her smile, is driving me fucking crazy.
I exhale sharply. My appointment with Dr. Nareen Ahmed is in an hour.
An hour later, I enter the office of the woman who saved Aelin. The attractive brunette extends her arm to the chair across her desk. After she sits down, she studies me for a couple of seconds.
“Mr. Matthews, I told your assistant over the phone. I won’t divulge information on my patients.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it, Dr Ahmed, I just want to ask you a few hypothetical questions.”
She smiles and perches the thin silver framed glasses on top of her head. “Of course, that I will do.”
“If a twelve-year-old child is… sexually violated and develops an infection which is left untreated. Years later, she gets … she gets pregnant and loses the baby because of the scarring left by the infection for which…” I clear my clogged throat. “…for which she needs emergency surgery…” Fuck. This is harder than I thought.
Nareen Ahmed’s expression sharpens as she scrutinizes me. “Mr. Matthews you’re telling me a story. I don’t hear a question.”
“How long would it take to recover from that type of surgery?”
“Depending on the patient’s age and health condition, without complications, it would take roughly three to eight weeks to be physically fully recovered.”
The knot in my chest loosens. “Eight weeks… How long before the patient can safely have sexual intercourse?”
She leans back in her armchair. “Mr. Matthews, the right time to have sexual intercourse with a woman whether she’s been sexually victimized or not is when she tells you she’s ready.”
Aelin’s been telling me for weeks she’s ready.And I kept rejecting her for fear of hurting her.“Thank you, doctor.”
On my way to my car, I shake my head.I could have had her weeks ago.Tonight. I’ll have her tonight.
Just as I clear the parking lot, my cell vibrates. “Matthews.”
“Gabriel? It’s been so long. I’m so happy to hear your voice. How are you?”
Only one person calls me Gabriel. “Vanessa?”
She lets out that high pitched cackle which always sounded forced. I clench my jaw. Vanessa Hodges—now Hawthorne—, the only woman I asked to marry me, never did anything without an agenda.
“Oh, I’m so happy. I didn’t think you’d recognize me.”
My grip hardens on the steering wheel. “How did you get this number?”
More cackles. “Well, I have my ways.”
Don’t have time for whatever shit she’s up to.“What do you want, Vanessa?”
“Just catching up with an old friend. I’m in town for a few days and I was wondering if we could have dinner before I leave.”
We were never friends.“How does your husband feel about that?”
She sighs loud. That same sound she used to make when I had to work late, so I could give her whatever expensive bauble, shoes, or clothes she wanted.
“Oh, Philip won’t mind, I’ll tell you all about it when we meet.”
There it is.
My mind on Aelin, I agree to meet her on Tuesday for dinner, disconnect, and call Cal.
“Yo, brother.”
“Just got a call from Vanessa. I’m meeting her on Tuesday.”
“Vanessa, Vanessa?”
“Yep, the one and only. She needs something and I want to know what it is.”
“On it. How’s Aelin?”
I clench my jaw. “She’s fine. Why are you asking?”
“No reason. I’ll call you back.”
“Thanks, bro.”
Twenty minutes later, Cal gives me the lowdown, and I clench my teeth.
****
At 8:00 AM. the next day, I knock on Aelin’s door. It’s Sunday, she’s going to the market. I’ll take her for lunch, we’ll talk then I’ll find a bed—
Cara opens the door and tightens the belt of her bathrobe. “Gabe. What are you doing here so early?”
“I’m here to pick up Aelin to go to the craft market, can you tell her I’m here, please?”
She sweeps her hair out of her face. “Come in.” I follow her in as she ambles to the kitchen while covering a yawn. “Aelin’s not here.”
“Where is she?”
Heading straight for the coffee machine, she says, “Today’s the donors’ appreciation ceremony at the Other Rainbow and she left a couple of hours ago to help them set up.”
I dip my chin. “Thanks Cara, I’ll let myself out.”
As I turn on my heels, she steps closer. “At noon, there’s a lunch for the donors and supporters of the Rainbow. Do you want to be my guest today?”
What?Aelin’s sister chuckles before pouring herself a giant mug of coffee. She blows on the steaming mug. “Don’t make it weird. Aelin asked me to do it after you made this huge donation, but I didn’t think you’d be interested.”
I shove my fists in my pockets. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
She takes a mouthful of her coffee. “Because the only reason you made this donation is to get into Aelin’s good graces.” Before I reply, she raises her palm. “I’m not judging. Any donation will be money well spent. I just thought it’d give you a chance to learn what your millions will provide.”
And talk to Aelin.“I’ll be there. Thanks, Cara.”
