Who knew three words could tear apart my world so thoroughly? That words and only words could cause this type of internal damage? Most people think of three words and think of good things, happy things, beautiful, life changing things, but they are not the three words that just obliterated me. I’m done here. That’s what he said, that he was done, that we are done, and instead of feeling accepting that our ruse is finally up, all I feel is fractured.
All three of us watch him leave, until Josh turns his focus back to me, his gaze roaming over my body and no doubt noting the evidence of what just occurred before he got here. “Mads, what happened, what did he do?” he asks, restrained rage tinting his tone as he gently touches my arm like I am nothing but a kicked puppy. Right now I feel like one.
“Nothing,” I whisper, my voice cracking slightly in emotion. “He didn’t do anything, it’s what I did.” Shock and disbelief are wrecking me from the inside out as I try to make sense of how we got here. How did everything spiral out of control so quickly?
Hallie steps into the alley, coming to my brother’s side as the two of them share a look, before his gaze comes back to mine. “Maddie, what did you do?”
This time when I look at him, I see the fear, the panic of whatever I am about to tell him going to war in his mind as he stares at me. All of his warnings, all of his carefully laid plans that he drilled into me when I came here, now nothing but wasted conversations as I finally admit, “I fell for him.”
Josh blinks, his eyes going wide at my admission as his head snaps to Hallie as if searching for confirmation. Her gaze drops to the floor, not wanting to look him in the eye as he realizes she already knew. Of course she knew, she probably knew before I did, she has been teasing me about him for weeks. So many times I told her it was fun, that it meant nothing, that we were just hooking up, so why do I feel like he just ripped out my heart and took it with him as he left?
Fuck this is bad, so bad. I can’t be here, not anymore. I don’t want to see his teammates, his friends, our friends. I don’t want to be a part of a life I’m not allowed to have, to tease myself with what could have been. I shouldn’t even be here in the first place. I never come to Josh’s games when he is away, a fact he is now realizing as he stares at me with knowing eyes.
“You came for him?” he asks, and he isn’t even mad, just solemn and assessing as he tries to work out how we got here. I nod, and his face softens as he moves towards me and pulls me in for a hug. “It’s okay, Mads, it will all be okay I promise.”
I wish I could believe him, wish his words could affect me as much as the ones his Captain just said, but I can’t because they don’t. Make the guy you hate fucking fall for you. Did I ever hate him? Like truly hate him, or was I just so caught up in our game of witty barbs that I continued to play the role he forced upon me.
Make the guy you hate fucking fall for you.
Fall for you.
Fall for you.
Fall for you.
The words run through my mind over and over, the betrayed look in his eyes as he said them now imprinted in my brain forever. If only he would have listened to me, heard me out, but what would I have said? Did I know he was the one behind the messages before tonight? Yes, I did. Am I due to be engaged in a few short weeks to someone else? Yes, I am. He has every right to feel like I betrayed him because I did. I fucked up and now I have to pay the price for my own mistakes. I should be happy, this is what I wanted, one last night before I left him behind. I can’t have him, I never could, so why instead of being relieved it’s finally over, do I feel like I am dying inside?
“I need to leave,” I mumble into Josh’s chest, before pulling back and swiping at the moisture beneath my eyes. “I’m going back to the hotel, I need to sleep off tonight.” Not exactly a lie, but the truth is, I don’t want to see Nova again. I don’t want to look him in the eye and try to placate him with another lie.
He was right, we are done here.
Josh heads back inside to find my coat and then he walks Hallie and I back to our room, the silence between us all so loud that I can practically taste it on my tongue. Thankfully once we say goodnight and head inside, Hallie understands that I don’t want to talk about it, letting me take the bathroom first without question.
When I look in the mirror I don’t even recognize myself. I’m not Maddie, I’m not even Grim, I am nothing but a liar. My chest aches, a pain which only intensifies when I rip off my dress over my head and find the marks he left behind branded into my skin and soul, and for the second time tonight, I let the shower wash away my tears.
By the time Hallie climbs into bed, I already have the lights turned off and my head buried beneath the covers, praying that when I wake up, it will all just be a bad dream. Yet minutes turn into hours and sleep never claims me. Instead, I open my phone, scrolling through the text thread that once made me smile until my cheeks hurt.
The Lonely Charm: A girl huh? Are you hot?
The Lonely Charm: Did my body offend you Grim?
The Lonely Charm: Then I think I like you Grim
Text after text where he comforted me, complimented me, was just there for me, and was even honest with me. He didn’t know the girl he was telling me about was me. Hell, never in a million years did I imagine it would be, and it just makes it hurt even worse. That the Charmer who flirted with me through the phone, is the same one who claimed me in real life. Yet I don’t know why I’m surprised, I remember telling him that I thought they would get along, why was I so blinded to them being the same person?
I reread every message, dissecting every word until I am cutting myself up on the inside. It isn’t until Hallie clears her throat that I realize how long I have been sulking in my sheets. “Are you coming out of hiding anytime today?” she asks, her voice muffled by the blankets still over my head.
“It’s only 6am,” I grumble in my defense, and she laughs, climbing from her own bed and moving towards mine.
“Yeah and you’ve been overthinking in there for hours now, it’s time to face the music, Wendy.” She pairs her words with whipping the duvet off my entire body, bringing me face to face with her chipper smile.
“I hate you!” I snap, which only makes her smile wider, as she plonks herself down beside me.
“No, you don’t,” she teases, but then her smile turns solemn as she flicks her eyes over me. “Are you okay?”
Tears gather in my eyes for the millionth time as I shake my head. “No,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “I hurt him, Hals, like I really hurt him.” Even as I say those words out loud I can hear the disbelief in my tone.
“I know, babe.” She swipes away one of my tears as more continue to fall, and I think if she wasn’t here with me I would fall apart completely.
“Is it okay if we go home?” I ask, pleading with my stare. “ I know we had a whole day planned, but,” she cuts me off with a soft touch on my arm.
“Of course we can, I’ll break my plans anytime for you, you should know that by now,” she gently scolds me with a smile, jumping to her feet. “Let’s pack up our stuff and get on the road.”
She starts to move away to do just that, when I grab her by the hand and pull her in for a hug. “I love you, Hals,” I whisper into her hair, and I feel her body stiffen at the affection but she soon relaxes into it, bringing her own arms around me.
“I love you too, babe.”
We spend the next thirty minutes whipping round the room after one another, grabbing showers, getting dressed, and packing our bags. By the time we are ready to go it is getting closer to 7am, and I am conscious about getting out of here before any of the team wakes up. A thought that is doused in panic when there is a sharp knock at the door.
I look at Hallie a little startled but she just holds up her hand. “It’s okay I will sort it,” she says calmly, moving towards the door. I step towards the bathroom out of sight, but when she opens the door and sighs, I relax a little. “Good morning, Joshua,” she drags out slowly. “What can I do for you at this unpleasant hour?”
If I could see him, I could almost bet my brother is rolling his eyes at my best friend. “Let me in, Tink, I need to see her,” he pleads softly, and even if I didn’t want to see him, I know his tone would melt my best friend, which is evident by the way her shoulders drop and she steps aside. “Thanks, Hallie Bear,” he adds absent-mindedly to her, before locking his eyes on mine. “There she is,” he smiles.
“What are you doing here, Josh, it’s not even 7am,” I say by way of greeting, and there’s that roll of his eyes I expected.
“I’m coming home with you guys. I talked to Coach last night and cleared it with him.” His stare drops to the already packed bags at my feet as if to prove his own point before he smiles smugly.
“How did you know we would be going home?” Hallie asks, and he rolls his eyes again, taking a seat on the end of her bed and flexing out his arms to lean on them as he cocks a brow at her.
“Do you honestly think I don’t know either of you well enough by now?” He shakes his head. “You guys are like Thing 1 and Thing 2, inseparable and predictable since the second you met.”
Hallie and I share a guilty look, knowing we can’t dispute him, so instead, I focus on his other statement about talking to Coach and coming home with us. “What about the guys, the team?”
His smirk softens as he reaches out to hold my hand in his. “What about them, Mads? You’re my sister.”
I share another look with Hallie as I fight back more tears, before clearing my throat. “Okay then, well let’s get out of here shall we.”
We move to grab our bags but of course Josh bats us away, grabbing them all himself, and we head to check out. While Josh loads the car, I grab some drinks and snacks for the road, and then we are on our way without setting eyes on anybody else from FU.
The drive back home is mostly silent for me, choosing to sit in the back and listen to my brother and best friend bicker back and forth until I tune them out completely. I should be glad we’re going home, especially after everything that happened last night, but knowing that I won’t get another text from my Charmer, or another secret smile from my new favorite hockey player, just makes it seem colder somehow. That and the fact that my engagement is only a few weeks away, and the last bit of freedom I was holding onto is now gone forever.
That thought only heightens when Hallie pulls up in front of our house, finding the driveway already occupied. Brad is leaning against the hood of his car, phone in hand, watching us arrive with a serious look on his face.
“Oh fuck no,” Josh curses. “Not this shit again.” He moves to exit the car first, but I grab him by the shoulder and stop him.
“It’s okay, Josh, I can handle it.” I force that practiced smile to my face, and my brother eyes me skeptically.
His stare is dark and full of warning as it flicks between me and my soon to be fiancé. “You’re not handling anything, that guy is a fucking tool.”
“That guy,” I snap, my patience now wearing thin as the lack of sleep from last night catches up to me. “Is going to be my husband, so just stay out of it, please,” I sigh, pushing out of the back seat and slamming the door closed behind me, praying they both stay in the car.
Brad eyes me coolly, taking in my withered state with a tight, even smile as he drawls, “I’ve been calling you.”
I try to keep my face passive and casual as I respond, “My phone is off.” I shrug, and keep walking until we are only a few steps apart.
“Why?” he grits, his own mask of fake pleasantries slipping a little.
“Because I didn’t want to be reached,” I lie, which technically is not that much of a lie because I probably wouldn’t have answered his call today of all days anyway, but mostly it was so I didn’t reread the messages from Nova again. All night long was enough.
Brad studies me closely, not that he knows me well enough to know if something is truly wrong, but he is still perceptive, and my red swollen eyes are a dead giveaway. “Is there something going on that I should know about?” he questions me, standing up tall off the hood of his car and towering over me.
He is smaller than Nova, and all his height does is remind me that he isn’t him, the one that I will forever be forced to remember as the one that got away. Or I guess I should call him the one I forced away. This is all my fault after all. Thoughts of him threaten to crush me once more, those tears from last night stinging at the back of my eyes yet again, as I force myself to swallow thickly. “No, there is nothing going on, not anymore.”
I’m done here.
I almost crumble under the weight of his stare until he finally nods. “Good, let’s keep it that way.” He steps a little closer again, and I hear my brother get out of the car followed quickly by my best friend, as Brad lowers his voice bringing his mouth close to my ear. “It’s time to put away the hockey shirts and come and watch some real men play, darling.” When he straightens up he smiles wider. “We have a meeting with a party planner next weekend to make all the final arrangements, I will pick you up at 6 on Friday, be ready.”
He is already climbing back into his car by the time my brother reaches us, and I swear the look in his eye is like one I’ve never seen before as he stares down Thorne until he backs out of the driveway and leaves. When he looks back to me, his stare still doesn’t soften. “Are you okay?”
I almost laugh, of course I’m not okay, but still I smile as I look at him. “Of course I am, I’m always okay.” The lie tastes more sour than usual as I force it past my lips, and Josh looks like he doesn’t buys it for a second, but I don’t stick around to find out.
Moving towards the house, I unlock the door and head straight upstairs, not saying a word to either of them before I lock myself in my room and let the tears fall again. When I turn my phone on, I don’t bother stopping on any missed calls from Brad, instead my fingers start tapping until I reach Nova’s number under the name I gave him, and hover there as I choke back a sob. I want to call him, I want to call him and tell him I’m sorry, that I made a mistake, that I never should have done any of it, but what use would that be?
Like he said… I’m done here.
So, I put down my phone and cry myself to sleep instead.
