Nothing but guilt consumes me as I sit at my mom’s bedside and look down at her unconscious form, sleeping off her procedure. The cancer is attacking her chest, and it caused fluid to build up into one of her lungs until it collapsed. She became breathless at work and it got so bad she passed out, they had to rush her here in an ambulance. Tears are gathering in my eyes for the hundredth time today, and all I can do is reach out and hold her hand in mine and pray that this isn’t the end.
There’s a tube still in her lung to help drain the fluid, and all I can think about is all the things I should have said to her every time I ignored her calls this last week. She called me every day because she knew something was wrong with me, and rather than just talk it out with her, I took the easy route and avoided her. Now I may not ever have the chance to have those conversations with her. What if she doesn’t get better? What if she only gets worse and all my chances with her have run out? I don’t care that I am an adult, I will still always need my mom.
Just as I have that thought the door to her hospital room opens, and when I glance up I meet the regretful eyes of my father. I’m not surprised to see him here. I called him on my way over, finally told him everything, yet for some reason I didn’t expect him to actually show up. His eyes flick over me first, as if he is checking if I’m okay, before they slowly move over to my mom. When they reach her he looks as if he is going to break. I remain still and silent as he moves to her bedside and slips his hand into hers, the one I’m not holding.
He doesn’t say a word at first, just watches her, eyes zoned in on the rise and fall on her chest, watching her every breath. “I still remember the first time I asked your mom on a date,” he starts, eyes far away as if he is still there in that moment. “She refused me of course, she was far too good for me and she knew it, she didn’t care about my reputation or hockey, she was just so effortlessly her.” He shakes his head, forcing the memory from his mind as he takes a deep breath. “I stopped by billing on my way here, all previous medical bills have been paid, and they have my details on file for all future ones.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” I start, feeling both sick and grateful of his actions, despite knowing that is the exact thing I was going to beg him for. I open my mouth to say something else, but he reaches across the bed and grips the hand I have in hers.
“I’ve failed you, Nova, so many times I’ve failed you.” He glances back to my mom and shakes his head, holding back tears of his own. “I have so many regrets, but most of all I regret not staying around for you, for not being here when you needed me.” He squeezes my hand tightly before letting go and clearing his throat. “So this is the least I can do for you, for both of you.”
After that we both sit in the comfort of each other’s silence, watching, waiting, wondering. Hours tick by, an array of nurses and doctors coming by to talk to us, explain more about what happened, and what the next steps are, and all the while we just wait for her to wake up.
By the time the sun sets, my dad is so sick of my stomach growling and me refusing his offers of food, he snaps, “Will you please go grab a sandwich or something, or at least a cup of coffee.”
I go to refuse him once more, when my stomach rumbles again and I internally groan. Not wanting to leave her for too long I barely mutter my acceptance, “Fine, I’ll get coffee.”
When I step outside her room I’m kind of turned around. I didn’t exactly familiarize myself with the layout when I got here. So all I can do is follow the corridor down towards the waiting rooms and pray I come across a coffee machine. What I don’t expect to come across is my best friend, especially not with Maddie asleep on his shoulder. Archer drove me here hours ago, I didn’t expect him to stay, but what I expected even less was her presence here.
Forgetting all about the coffee, I stride towards Archer, and when he flicks his stare up from his phone to me, I look between her and him with nothing but confusion, and he smiles softly. “I called her, she’s been here for hours, wouldn’t stop talking and fidgeting, I’m glad she finally fell asleep.” He shifts, obviously having not moved for a while, and the movement causes her to startle awake, making Archer sigh.
“What happened, is he okay?” she frantically asks, looking at my best friend first before she finally notices me standing there, staring at her. “Nova,” she gasps, her voice breathless, and all I want to do is wrap my arms around her. “Is Diana okay?” Her questions make me love her more than I know I already do, just seeing the care and hope in her eyes, always thinking about everyone but herself.
“My mom is fine, stable for now at least,” I start, still confused by her presence. “Maddie, what are you doing here?” My words come out harsher than intended, but this whole day is just one big fuck up.
“I just,” she glances at Archer nervously, who clears his throat and rises to his feet.
“I’ll hunt you down some decent coffee, brother,” he exclaims, squeezing my shoulder as he passes. “Glad Momma D is doing okay for now,” he adds, with a solemn smile.
We both watch him leave, my eyes returning to her, taking in her clearly sleepy, disheveled state, yet she still looks perfect. When she turns back to me, I can tell she is nervous as she takes a deep breath, “I just had to see you, I had to know you were okay.”
Okay? She wants to know if I’m okay? I almost laugh, of course I’m not okay, but not for the reason she thinks. “No, I’m not okay,” I snap, and she blanches back a little at my outrage.
“Of course you’re not okay,” she whispers, lowering her eyes and shaking her head. “I shouldn’t have come, I’m sorry,” she moves to leave, reaching for her discarded bag on the floor, when I grab her by the elbow and haul her against me.
“I’m not okay because my mom has cancer and I don’t know if she is going to get better.” Her eyes soften, complete understanding flowing through her as she opens her mouth to speak, but I’m not done so I cut her off. “I’m not okay because you haven’t been with me, I’m not okay because you lied to me.” She tries to step back but I don’t let her go. I did that once, and I refuse to do it again. I bring my hands up to cup her face, tipping her chin back to make sure she is paying complete attention to me as I say my next words. “And I’m not okay because you made me fall for you and then you let me walk away.”
This time her eyes widen, complete shock and awe crossing her stare as our gazes remain locked. Yet still I don’t push her because I know her, whether it’s as Maddie or as Grim, I know her. She needs to hear this, she needs the words to flow through her entirely until they register, and everything else between us might have been rushed, but I won’t rush this. It’s too big, too important, and I don’t care that I promised her I wouldn’t, I fell in love with her so completely that she is just going to have to accept it.
“Ever since the day I first met you, I have loved taunting you. Loved the way you took every barb and came back with one of your own. I’ve loved the way you never cared about my status and always just gave me shit, and now, well, I know I broke my promise, Princess, but I just love you.” A weight releases off my chest at my admission, and I know I need to get back to my mom, but right now I just need to hear her say the words that I hope she feels.
A tear forms on her lashes as she whispers, “You really fell for me?” It isn’t just a question, it sounds more like a crazy statement she can’t quite believe if anything, but I get it. No one has ever just chosen her for her. She has been used for her last name, to get to her brother, and for her father’s business, but I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is her.
I drop my head to hers, our lips almost touching, as my thumb swipes the tear that falls to her cheek. “So fucking far, baby,” I admit, answering her statement. “Now this is where you say it back,” I add, praying that she feels the same and my heart isn’t about to break all over again.
“Nova,” she whispers, and fear like no other grips me from the inside out until she smiles. “I knew you would catch me, Charmer.”
My heart explodes in my chest at her words, but still I have to hear her say it. “So you love me?” I ask with a smirk.
“I love you,” she confirms with gasp. “Of course I love you, never him. I called you, I left you a voicemail, I tried to explain,” she rushes all the words out at once.
“Sshh, I know, I know, it doesn’t matter now,” I tell her, my lips on hers before she can even take another breath, my arms pulling her against me like I will never let her go.
I don’t care about her father, or her supposed fucking fiancé, no, the only thing that matters is that she is mine, and no one is going to take her away from me again.
