Last night was raw in every sense of the word—the way we’d had sex, the way we’d expressed our feelings for each other. And now that I’d opened my eyes, I felt the rawness of our present reality creeping back in.
The morning was bittersweet. Colby filled me in on his meeting with the attorney and all of the new insecurities and regrets that had resulted from it. The attorney felt Maya’s case was stronger than we’d hoped. That upset me, but I had to remain strong for Colby. He still hadn’t made a decision on what to do yet.
Our talk about the Maya situation was the bad part of the morning. The good part was that we’d spent the entire time prior to that conversation having amazing sex.
Colby asked me to go to his parents’ with him to pick up Saylor. I planned to return to my apartment after that.
When we arrived at his parents’ house, his mom seemed to know exactly who I was.
“You must be Billie.”
I looked at Colby, then back at her. “I am.”
“It’s wonderful to meet you.”
“Likewise.”
“She’s quite beautiful. You’re a lucky guy, Colby,” Mrs. Lennon said to her son.
He squeezed my side. “Don’t I know it.”
Saylor came running toward us. “Billie!”
I knelt down to receive her hug. “Hey! Did you have a good time?”
She nodded eagerly.
“Would you guys like to stay for a bit?” Colby’s mom asked. “I made some of that split-pea soup you like, Colby. Saylor already had some, so she probably won’t be hungry for a while.”
Colby looked at me. “I think we’d better get Saylor home and out of your hair. But thank you for the offer.”
I smiled. “Maybe another time, Mrs. Lennon. That soup sounds great.”
“Please, call me Yvonne.”
Outside on the sidewalk, Colby held Saylor’s hand as he asked, “Do you have to be somewhere?”
“I figured I’d head home. I’ll let you have some catch-up time with Saylor.”
“Are you kidding?” He pulled me toward him. “I’m not ready to let you go.”
“Oh really?” I grinned.
“Yeah. Will you stay with us?”
Honestly, how many more uncomplicated days did we have? There was no way I could say no. With no clients booked today, I’d only be home ruminating about Colby. So I might as well just stay with him. “There’s nothing I’d rather do than stay with you guys.”
“Cool.” He looked down at Saylor. “This one needs peanut butter, and I have to get cold cuts for the week. Mind if we stop at the market? I can pick up something for us for dinner, too.”
“Lead the way.” I smiled.
When we got to the market, Colby went one direction to get the things he needed, while us girls took off in another direction. We were having fun just browsing. I put Saylor in the cart and might have raced down a couple of the aisles. I also might have snuck some Cap’n Crunch, Pop-Tarts, and Goldfish into the cart. You can’t take me to the market, apparently. I’m an unsupervised kid with an adult budget.
We ended up in the bakery aisle—of course, because I was in charge—so I could spoil Saylor with a cookie. There was a bit of a line. At one point, the woman next to me looked down at Saylor and said, “She’s adorable. Such a pretty little girl.”
“Thank you.” I smiled.
I realized the woman had very likely assumed Saylor was my daughter. And I’d essentially taken credit for Saylor’s beauty. I took a few seconds to marinate in that feeling. In this stranger’s eyes, I was a mother. Saylor was my daughter, safe with me. Life was simple. And I truly wished that were the case, that we could go home tonight and sleep soundly without a worry in the world. An overwhelming feeling of longing came over me.
The moment was interrupted when we finally reached the front of the line.
“What can I get you?” the attendant asked.
I let Saylor choose what she wanted. She pointed to the last giant chocolate chip cookie left in the display case.
“We’ll take the gargantuan cookie,” I said.
It had to have been at least six inches in diameter. After the woman wrapped it in tissue paper and handed it to Saylor, the toddler behind us suddenly started crying.
Saylor’s joyous expression faded as she looked over at the girl.
“Is she okay?” I asked the girl’s mother.
“I’m sorry. Unfortunately, she’s not. She had been waiting for that cookie. She always gets it when we come here, which thankfully isn’t all that often. She calls it ‘big cookie’. It’s the reason we came to the market today. I’d promised her if she tolerated her haircut, I’d get it for her.”
Aw, damn. I turned to Saylor. “Sweetie, do you think you might be able to share half of your cookie with this little girl? She’s sad because we got the last one.”
To my surprise, Saylor handed over the entire cookie. “Here you go. Don’t cry.”
My heart clenched, not just because of how cute that was, but because Saylor’s eyes were also watering. What a little empath. An amazing human.
“That’s very nice of you,” the woman said. “But you should take half.”
Saylor shook her head. “She can have it.”
“Wow. Thank you,” she said. She smiled over at me. “That’s some kid you have there.”
“I know,” I said without hesitation.
She turned to her daughter. “Say thank you, Elena.”
“Thank you!” The sniffling girl grinned, her cheeks still wet with tears.
Saylor waved goodbye, and the girl waved back.
After they left, we got back in line to get Saylor a cupcake. I kept thinking about how sweet she was to insist on giving the girl not half, but her entire cookie. Saylor’s generosity was a testament to her kind spirit, and certainly a result of having a father who raised her right because he set his own good example. Colby, too, was the kind of man who would give the shirt off his back to a stranger. He’d also go to the ends of the Earth for the people he loved.
We got to the front of the line again, and I ordered Saylor’s new treat.
Saylor took a giant bite of the cupcake and got pink frosting all over her nose. I couldn’t get enough of her cuteness.
I knew my attachment to Saylor was in direct correlation to my falling in love with her father. After all, Saylor was an extension of Colby. I truly cared for them both.
And then my handsome man appeared, wheeling a cart filled to the top. So much for coming to grab a few things. “There you are.” He grinned. “I thought I’d lost you.”
“Never.” I winked.
He kissed me on the cheek and looked down at my cart. “Some nice healthy choices there.”
“Well, my boyfriend is due to make me some spinach brownies so I can eat better.” I wrapped my arm around his waist. “Wait until I tell you what your little sweetie pie did.”
I recounted the cookie story for Colby as we walked to the checkout line. He was very proud of his daughter.
We returned to Colby’s apartment and hung out together until dinnertime. Even though we ended up enjoying the fajitas he prepared, the mood had definitely darkened. My feeling from earlier that reality was seeping in felt stronger than ever. Colby, in particular, looked lost in thought as we finished our meal.
I offered to give Saylor a bath while he cleaned up.
When Saylor went to her room afterward to play for a bit before bedtime, I found Colby in the kitchen and wrapped my arms around him from the back. “Talk to me. I can tell you’re drowning in your head tonight.”
He leaned both of his arms against the counter and exhaled. After a few seconds of silence, he finally turned to look at me.
“What if she gets deported and can somehow take Saylor out of the country with her? I’d die, Billie.”
“That’s not gonna happen,” I assured him, though I’d found myself worrying about the same thing lately. There were many possible catastrophic scenarios.
“How do you know that’s not gonna happen?” he asked.
“Okay, I don’t. I don’t really know anything. But I will pray that doesn’t ever happen. And I have faith that good will prevail in the end.”
Colby stared off. “I had a nightmare about it last night. I woke up in the middle of the night sweating. You were asleep. I was glad you didn’t see me like that. But I guess you’re seeing me freaking out about it now anyway.”
I wrapped my hands around his face. “You have every right to freak out, and don’t ever feel like you have to hide anything from me. I’ll take the good, the bad, and the ugly.”
Saylor ran into the room, interrupting our conversation.
“Billie, can we have a story before bed?”
I looked at the clock. Her bedtime was 8:30, and neither of us had realized it was 9 PM already.
“Of course,” I said.
“No book!” she insisted.
“No book again? I’m not that creative, Saylor.”
“No book!” She giggled.
“Okay, no book.” I lifted her up and tickled her. “Let’s go.”
I looked back at Colby who had a smile on his face, despite the lingering fear in his eyes.
Saylor cuddled next to me in her bed. I loved her room at night with the lights off. She had glow-in-the-dark decals on the ceiling that lit up in purple. It was a relaxing place to hang. I had no idea what story to tell her, so I started with a simple sentence. “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful little bird.” Then I just started making shit up as I went along. “The little bird lived safely in a nest atop a tree with her family.”
Saylor’s eyes were like saucers as she looked up at me, eager for the next line. She was so stinking cute.
“One day, a big hawk came and tried to take the baby bird away.”
Jesus. Art imitating life anyone? Apparently, I had a one-track mind.
“Why?” she asked.
Because she’s an opportunistic bitch. “Because the hawk wanted the nest. She was using the baby bird as a way to get the bird family to give their home to her, even though she had no right to it.”
“That’s so mean.”
“I know. But the story has a happy ending.” I just don’t know how they get there yet.
“What happened?” she asked.
“Well, the hawk took the baby bird, but when she came back to try to get the nest, the big birds got together and flapped their wings so hard and fast that it scared the hawk. The hawk realized she couldn’t bully the birds. So the hawk gave the baby bird back and left.”
“He never came back?”
“She. The hawk was a girl.” Of course, she was. “But no, she never came back, and they all lived happily ever after.”
Saylor yawned and rested her head against me. She was asleep within minutes. That was how riveting my boring story had been.
I decided to stay here for a while and just look at her while she slept. It occurred to me that right now I was the only female in her life besides Colby’s mom and sister. That gave me a sense of responsibility. It felt like my job to protect her, even if that meant protecting her from her own mother.
The impending doom of what I knew had to happen overwhelmed me. A sudden rush of nausea hit, and I removed myself from the bed as swiftly as I could without waking her.
I headed straight for the bathroom and leaned over the toilet, trying not to throw up. I focused on the tattoo of my grandmother’s key on my arm, silently praying to her for strength right now. But a few seconds later, I succumbed to the sick feeling in my stomach, vomiting into the bowl. Well, this day is certainly full of surprises. I could hear Colby’s footsteps coming down the hall.
“Are you okay?” he said, looking panicked and grabbing my hair to hold it back.
I nodded, praying that was the end of it. I didn’t want to puke again in front of him. Because what’s more attractive than that?
“I think it was one and done,” I said, panting into the toilet.
I knew this was the physical manifestation of everything that had been building up inside me today. The love. The fear. The dread. Ultimately, it was the conclusion I’d drawn that had forced the vomit. Because it was literally sickening.
I turned to him and vocalized it. “You need to do it. You need to marry Maya and get it over with. The sooner you do, the sooner we can be done with this.”
