A few days later, my life had turned upside down: Maya had moved into my apartment, but thankfully, so far she hadn’t been around a whole lot. That was the good news. The bad news was that my separation from Billie had begun, and not being able to see or talk to her every day absolutely blew. What also blew was having to lie to my daughter and tell her Maya was a friend who needed a place to stay.
Maya wasn’t home early Monday morning when I invited Holden over to help me with a little project before I had to get to work.
He peeked his head in the spare room. “That’s her stuff?”
Maya had a leather jacket and some other clothing piled on the bed.
“Yeah.”
Holden looked around. “She’s not here right now, is she?”
“No. She moved her things in and spent last night here, but she’s been pretty MIA overall. I heard her get up and leave at like five this morning. I have no clue where the fuck she went that early, nor do I care.”
“Is she still stripping?”
“No clue.”
“Do you need me to go investigate?” He winked. “Haven’t been to the strip clubs in a while.”
“Do whatever you want, man.” I chuckled.
“Seriously, though, you don’t even know if she’s still stripping? Do you know anything about her life at all?”
“I don’t need to know the real Maya, only the fake one who’s married to me.”
“Fair enough,” he said, lifting his tool chest. “So what am I putting a lock on?”
“My bedroom. I need to be able to lock it from the outside, so she can’t get in while I’m at work.”
He arched a brow. “You think she’s gonna steal from you or something?”
“She’s already stolen my life, why not my watch and the cash I keep around? I don’t trust her.”
“How’s Billie handling all this?”
I sighed. “I wish I knew.”
“What do you mean?”
“We agreed not to see each other while Maya’s living here. That includes talking.”
Holden gaped. “Fuck… You broke up?”
“No!” I said adamantly. “We’re just taking a break because it’s too difficult for her. A break. Not a breakup.”
“But why no talking?”
“Because Billie and I can’t be in each other’s lives in a half-assed way. It’s all or nothing. But we’re able to handle this because we know it’s temporary. That’s the only way it would be doable. It’s not what I want, but it’s for Billie’s mental health. I know not talking at all sounds extreme. But I get it. The whole thing is hurtful. And I’m willing to do anything I need to in order to make sure she’s still around when this is over.”
“Damn. I wish you would’ve just let me marry that bitch.”
I rolled my eyes.
I might’ve been making myself out to be more confident about the situation with Billie than I actually was. Lord knows how long Maya would be living here. For all I knew, she could extort me again to buy herself more time to live here rent free. If this little living arrangement exceeded a few weeks, it was going to be very difficult to maintain my agreement not to see Billie. The other thing I worried about was whether Billie would come to her senses while we were apart and realize she didn’t need to be putting up with this shit at all. She could easily find a man who didn’t come with a fuck ton of baggage and an illegal “wife.” I couldn’t even think about that right now.
“All set,” Holden said a little while later as he tested the lock he’d installed.
“Thanks, dude. I wish I could have you change the locks on the front door, too, so she can’t get in again.” If only.
***
That evening, after I read Saylor her bedtime story, she had questions. I knew this would be coming.
“Why did Maya move in with us again?”
I’d already lied to my daughter once, which I hated, but she clearly didn’t understand. Nor should she, since the whole thing made no rational sense.
“She needed a place to live for a while…” I once again told her. “So, since she’s my…friend…I agreed to let her stay with us.”
“When is Billie coming back?”
Billie had had a talk with Saylor to let her know she’d be gone for a little while, but that she’d be coming back. She didn’t want my daughter to worry or think anything was wrong. But that hadn’t stopped Saylor from asking me for updates. Who could blame her?
“Hopefully soon, sweetie.”
She hesitated then asked, “Do you love Maya?”
Why would she ask that? My daughter was way too smart. She was starting to put two and two together—that Billie’s departure coincided exactly with Maya moving in.
“No. I don’t love Maya. I need you to understand that, okay? Maya is just a friend.” I hugged her. “I love Billie. And you, of course.”
Saylor pouted. “I want Billie to come over. I miss her.”
That broke my heart. “I know you do, honey. Believe me, I miss her, too. More than anything.”
From behind the door, I could hear that Maya was home now, based on some clanking out in the kitchen. Not wanting to go out there and face her, I told Saylor another bedtime story. And then another. But before I went for a third, I realized avoiding Maya totally defeated the purpose of this torturous living situation. If I had to live with her, I might as well study up on the information I needed to nail this hearing.
So, I tucked my daughter in and kissed her goodnight. When I emerged from Saylor’s room, Maya was standing at the stove, frying something.
She turned to me. “Hey.”
I groaned and pulled up a chair.
Before I had a chance to blink, flames flew everywhere. Maya freaked out, flailing her hands.
I jumped up. “What the fuck?”
I immediately grabbed a baking tray from the drawer and covered the flames with it. Somehow a brown paper bag had caught on fire. I managed to put it out before it got out of control and burned my damn apartment down. Wouldn’t that have been fitting symbolism? Everything just burned to hell like my life at the moment…
Maya continued shaking uncontrollably.
“Relax. It’s out.”
She covered her mouth with trembling hands. “I’m so sorry, Colby.”
“You need to be more careful.” I looked closer at what she’d been cooking. “Why the hell did you have a paper bag near the flames anyway?”
“I was making French fries. I put the fries in a bag to shake off the grease.”
“Can’t you just buy fries like everyone else?”
“It’s not the same.” She kept shaking her head, and then she leaned against the counter and started to cry.
I had no time for her crocodile tears. But as the seconds went on, I realized she was truly shaken. So, I took it upon myself to discard the burned fries sitting in the grease and clean up the mess she’d made. I looked over at her as I was dumping grease-soaked paper towels in the trash. “Did you have a plan B?”
“Huh?”
“For dinner.”
She shook her head in a daze. “I don’t have anything else to make. All I bought was potatoes.”
I rolled my eyes. “Sit down. Try to calm yourself.” Begrudgingly, I offered, “There’s some leftover casserole, if you’re hungry.”
Her eyes widened. “Really? That would be great. I’m so hungry, and it’s late.”
I heated up a plate, placed it in front of her, and took a seat across the table. I crossed my arms and watched her as she ate. Every so often, she’d take a bite and wipe more tears. She still seemed broken up over the grease fire, and I didn’t quite understand it.
I forced myself to ask, “Why are you still upset? It’s done.”
Maya sniffled. “You can’t possibly care why I’m crying. You don’t have to pretend to.”
Was she trying to make me out to be the heartless one in this equation? “While I may not care about your feelings—because you sure as hell don’t care about mine—I do care about getting through these days with you. We need to get our shit together and figure out how to relate to one another if this is going to work. Sitting here in front of me, crying and not telling me what the hell is wrong with you right now isn’t helping.”
She wiped her eyes. “I’m not proud of the way I’ve handled the situation with you. I’ve taken things too far in my desperation to stay, but it’s too late to go back now. I knew forcing you would be the only way to get you to help me. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me or understand. But I have my reasons for needing to stay here.” She blew her nose into a napkin. “I can’t go back to Ecuador, Colby. It’s a nightmare.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Why is it a nightmare? Isn’t all your family there?”
She looked down into her plate. “It’s a very long story.”
I leaned in. “Well, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve put my entire life on hold for you. I think at the very least, I deserve to know why your nightmare has now become my nightmare.”
She exhaled and nodded. “You’re right.” She wiped her eyes. “You do deserve to know.”
I leaned back and folded my arms. “So…what is it?”
Maya buried her face in her hands. “I shouldn’t be here, Colby.”
“Well, that’s for damn sure. I’m counting the days until we’re done with this arrangement.”
She looked up at me. “No…I mean, I should be dead.”
My jaw dropped. What the hell is she talking about?
“I tried to kill myself back in Ecuador.” She shook her head slowly. “But I’m such a failure, I couldn’t even do that correctly. So I’m still here. But I shouldn’t be.”
I sat with my mouth hanging open. I might have hated her, but I certainly didn’t wish her dead. “What happened?” I finally asked.
She stared off for a moment. “Six years ago, I was working as a nanny back home. Ironically, I was taking care of a little girl around Saylor’s age.” She paused. “One day, while I was watching her, I got absorbed by something on my phone. It couldn’t have been more than a minute that I was checking Facebook. Rocio was in her room, so I figured it was safe to take a break. I had no idea that she’d snuck out. She’d gone out the back door that led to the pool.”
I gulped. I had a feeling I knew where this was going, and as the parent of a little girl, it made me absolutely sick.
With tears in her eyes, Maya went on. “She fell in, and I never even knew. When I went to her room to check on her, she was gone. I went crazy, searching the entire house, but while I was inside looking, she was outside in the pool, drowning. Finally, I noticed the back door open and realized she had fallen into the pool. I found her lying face down in the water. I tried to save her, but she was already dead when I got to her. I called for help, but it was too late.”
Oh man. “Shit.” I then muttered words I never thought she’d hear from me. “I’m sorry.”
“Her parents told my family they’d better never see me again. They made sure everyone in our town knew what had happened. My family couldn’t handle the negative talk and the gossip. My father lost his job over it, and my family alienated me.” She stared at the ceiling as she began to cry again. “Everyone hated me. But they couldn’t hate me more than I hated myself. I tried to take pills one night to end it all, but I didn’t take enough. Someone found me lying in the street and took me to the hospital where they pumped my stomach.”
This is so sad and fucked up. “God…” I whispered.
“In the hospital,” she said, “I met a sweet nurse, the first person to ask me what was wrong and truly listen to my side of things. She found me a doctor to talk to. They got me help. I started to believe maybe I deserved forgiveness and a second chance. But I knew I needed to get away from my family and the people in my town because they would only have me believing I deserved to be dead. So I started saving money for a ticket, and took off to the US, vowing to leave my family behind and never look back. When my visa expired, I stayed here illegally. I have nothing back in Ecuador but shame. I feel like I’ll die if I ever have to go back there.”
“So you got here and started dancing right away?”
She nodded. “Yes. It was the only job I could get. And the owners of that club didn’t care that I wasn’t here legally, only that I took my clothes off and made them money.”
“Are you still stripping?”
“Yes. For a different club.” She smiled slightly. “I’ll never forget the night I met you. I’d never had a more handsome client—someone who actually made me nervous. Your friends paid for a private dance for you, and we went to the back room together. You probably assumed that because of what I did with you, I slept with everyone. But that wasn’t true. You were the first client I ever had sex with. You don’t have to believe me, but it’s the truth, Colby. You were drunk. I was a little, too, but I knew what I was doing. I wanted to feel good for one night, forget about all the miserable memories. I never imagined I’d get pregnant. We used a condom. And I was on the pill. But looking back, I hadn’t been good about always remembering to take it. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew it was yours. Because there had been no one else. But I also knew I couldn’t keep the baby. I would never allow myself to take care of another child after what happened to Rocio. I wasn’t capable of being a mother. And I didn’t deserve to bring life into this world when I was responsible for the loss of another.” She breathed out. “But I didn’t want to have an abortion. I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t know how to tell you. I kept putting it off until I finally just…had her. After she came out, she was so perfect. I was even more sure I needed to give her up so I wouldn’t ruin her.” She looked over at me. “She looked just like you. I knew that was the sign I needed to give her to you. She was yours. Always yours. And that’s when I dropped her off. I hated myself for giving her up, but I knew it was best for her. Clearly, I was right.”
I pulled on my hair. I’d never had any idea what the hell she’d been thinking back then. “I’m sorry about what happened to you back home,” I said after a moment. “And I’m glad you weren’t successful in your attempt to end your life.”
“I suppose Saylor wouldn’t be here if it had worked, huh?”
She’d sort of read my mind. As much as I despised Maya, without her, there would be no Saylor. But while I did feel a bit sorry for her tragic past, it wasn’t enough to make me sympathize with her actions toward me. There was still no excuse for what she’d pulled.
“Look…” I said. “Let’s just get through this, okay? We’ve come this far. Let’s learn enough about each other so we’re not wasting our time here.” I stood from the table. “I’m gonna get paper and pens so we can take some notes. We need to ace this hearing.”
She wiped her tears and smiled. “Okay.”
***
The following day, I found myself unable to focus on anything but how much I missed Billie. It had been several days now since I’d last seen her face. I knew the agreement was to not see each other, but it was killing me to be apart from her.
After work, I decided to walk by her shop. My plan was just to peek in, get a look at her for a quick fix, and head upstairs without her seeing me.
But for some reason I hadn’t realized how late it was when I got there. Lately, I seemed to have no concept of time—every day was just a miserable Groundhog Day. I’d been expecting to look in Billie’s shop window and catch her in action, busy at work. But that wasn’t what I saw.
She was alone.
I hadn’t been expecting that.
I also hadn’t been expecting to see her looking so sad as she swept the floor after closing. Her expression was morose, and she seemed lost in thought. How could I just walk away now? My heart pounded as I debated whether to knock and get her attention.
Before I had a chance to decide, Billie looked up and noticed me standing there. I must’ve looked like a sad puppy dog staring in the window. She rushed to the door to let me in. “How long have you been out here?”
I simply shook my head.
She exhaled. “Colby…”
I interrupted her. “I just…need to hold you. I know this is against the rules.”
“We were never any good at sticking to rules, were we?” she said.
I took her into my arms and held her tightly, drowning in her vanilla scent. My heart pummeled my chest as our bodies rocked back and forth. I’d yearned for this so damn much.
When we finally stepped back and looked at each other, I needed just one taste and couldn’t help but press my lips against hers for a slow and painful kiss.
“You should go,” she whispered over my lips before pulling away.
It was damn hard to stop, but I did.
“Thank you,” I said.
Billie stood at the door and watched me as I left. I knew she didn’t want to let me go, but I knew why she’d told me to leave. My being there was a violation of our deal—but it was worth it.
Upstairs, I was surprised to find Maya in the living room coloring with Saylor while the nanny watched. I didn’t know whether to be mad about it, but I supposed if she were living under our roof, I had to expect that she’d have some interaction with my daughter.
“What’s going on here?” I asked as I entered the apartment.
Saylor ran to me. “Daddy! You’re home!”
“What are you up to, sweetie?”
“Coloring with Maya.”
“That’s…fun.”
Saylor pointed. “You have red all over your lips!”
Billie’s lipstick.
I rubbed the corner of my mouth. “Do I?”
No fucking way am I washing it off.
“I guess we know why you were late,” Maya chided.
I glared at her.
That night, Maya joined us for dinner. While things still weren’t great between us, I felt a bit more tolerant of her now. We’d spent some time after our talk getting our fake stories straight in preparation for the Stokes hearing.
In bed that night, I couldn’t stop thinking about Billie. Holding and kissing her earlier had put me over the edge. It made me realize I couldn’t live without her.
Next to my bed, I had a pen and paper laid out with notes I’d taken about Maya. I ripped off a new sheet and began pouring out my thoughts and my heart to Billie, all the things I wished I could say to her tonight. I’d probably never send it to her, but I needed to put these feelings somewhere.
