When it rains, it pours.
On top of my already miserable mood, Sunday morning I woke up to a leaky pipe under my kitchen sink that required immediate attention. The first person I thought to call was Holden, being that he was a jack of all trades and handled stuff like this all the time. Even though I didn’t live in the building, I knew he’d come over to my place with his tools and help me if I needed him. But that wasn’t an option right now. Holden was an extension of Colby. He’d run right back to Colby and tell him everything. Then Colby would think things were alright again with us when they weren’t. Things hadn’t been okay, in my mind at least, for a few days now—not since I’d run into Colby at the train station.
I did know one other plumber: Eddie Stark, AKA “Eddie Muscle,” my client I’d let take me out on a date that one time. I decided to swallow my pride and call him for help.
He agreed to come on one condition: that I join him for lunch after—as friends. He knew by now that I wasn’t interested in him romantically, so I trusted his intentions. I agreed to go to lunch as long as I got to treat him as a way to say thank you for helping me out.
Eddie had been in my kitchen for over an hour before he finally figured out what was wrong with my pipes. While I watched him work and listened to all the clanking under the sink, my mind was off in La-La-Land, replaying the scene at the subway station for the umpteenth time and alternating between seething and sad. At this point I couldn’t even be sure my memory hadn’t distorted everything, exaggerating what I’d seen and heard. I no longer had a clear picture of what had happened. Still, I continued to ruminate.
What were they laughing about?
What changed between them?
Does he like her now or something?
Should I text him back?
I really should text him back.
Hell no, I’m not texting him!
Was I wrong to get so mad?
How is Saylor? Is she laughing with them now, too?
Does she still miss me?
Are she and Maya getting close?
I felt like I was going crazy.
Yes, I knew I could’ve just contacted Colby for the answers to those questions, but my ego wouldn’t seem to let me. It had, instead, paralyzed me into inaction.
Eddie finally came up from under my sink and announced that he believed he’d fixed the issue. We ran the water repeatedly to test things, and there wasn’t a leak in sight. He was packing his stuff away when his eyes landed on something lying in my fruit bowl. “What the hell is that?”
Ugh. I meant to discard her. “You weren’t supposed to see that,” I said.
“Care to explain?”
“Not really.”
“Billie…” He lifted it. “There’s a fucking naked Barbie doll with her hair hacked off lying amidst a bunch of bananas. I need an explanation; otherwise, I’m gonna have to assume you’re into some weird, Barbie-fruit voodoo.”
I laughed. “It’s nothing like that.”
He arched a brow. “So what is it?”
“It’s an old habit from childhood.” I sighed. “Barbie’s hair was sacrificed for my mental well-being.”
“Oooh. Okay. That makes total sense.” His eyes widened as if to say “this bitch is crazy.”
“Okay, let me explain.” I took the doll from him and looked down at it. “When I was younger and got upset, I’d take one of my older Barbie dolls and snip away at her hair, strand by strand, until there was nothing left. Something about that process was therapeutic for me. Sort of like one of those resistance balls you squeeze when you’re stressed. Or popping bubblewrap.”
He crossed his arms and laughed. “Yeah, sort of like that… But batshit crazy. I get it.”
I couldn’t blame him for thinking it was nuts, but he’d asked for an explanation.
“Something happened a few days ago,” I told him. “That night I was so frustrated that I went to the five-dollar-and-under store for candy to stress-eat and picked up a cheap, generic Barbie, too. Hadn’t done it in years.”
He glared. “Billie…”
“Hmm?”
“You wanna talk about what the hell made you do that?”
My stomach growled. “I’m starving. Let’s go to the restaurant, and I’ll explain there.”
It was the perfect, clear day in New York City for a stroll. Even though Eddie’s truck was parked down the street, we walked to a bistro a couple of blocks away.
After we ordered our food, he leaned his arms on the table and said, “Okay, so tell me what’s going on. I’d heard you were dating that guy who owns your building. Is he why Barbie got a crew cut?”
Sighing, I nodded. “Not just dating, Eddie. I fell hopelessly in love with him—and his little girl.” My heart clenched. “And I miss them.”
“Miss?” His eyes widened. “You broke up?”
“Not exactly.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Sounds complicated.”
“You have no idea.”
“Do I need to go kick his ass?”
“It’s not his ass I want to kick,” I answered.
“What’s going on? Talk to me.”
“How much time do you have?” I took a sip of my water. “Seriously, this is a freaking long one.”
“How much time do I have? More time than it takes to snip Barbie’s hair off strand by strand. How about that?”
I ended up telling Eddie everything about the whole situation, ending with how I’d run into Colby with Maya laughing in the subway and how it really bothered me. Playing with my straw, I looked down into my glass. “I’d been missing him so much that entire day, and it was just…jarring to see him laughing with her. He supposedly hates her, and now they’re laughing together like two best buddies? I mean, what the fuck?”
Eddie scratched his chin. “Well, let’s break this down to get to the root cause of the issue. Because something tells me it’s about more than just the laughter. What was it about him laughing that really bothered you?”
“Everything?” I shrugged. “How am I supposed to dissect it?”
“That’s what Eddie’s for.” He grinned. “I’ll help you.”
I’d take any help I could get at this point. “Okay…”
Our lunch arrived, momentarily interrupting our conversation.
Eddie popped a French fry into his mouth. “So, first ask yourself, would you prefer he be unhappy the entire time he has to go through this living arrangement with her?”
Squirting some ketchup onto my plate, I shook my head. “No, not at all. That’s not it. I do want him to be happy.”
“Okay, so happiness might encompass laughter, correct?”
“This sort of reminds me of being on the stand in court.” I chuckled. “Yes, I suppose it would.”
“So we know it wasn’t the fact that he was being jovial that got to you.” He took a bite of his burger and spoke with his mouth full. “Next question. Did you feel like his laughing with her meant that he’s developing feelings for her?”
As much as my insecurities wanted to latch onto that, I couldn’t. “That doesn’t sound right either, knowing how much he detests and resents her. So that’s not what I think.”
He put his burger down and brushed off his hands. “You know what I think?”
“What?”
“I think Eddie’s verdict is in.”
“What is it?”
“I think you were upset to see him laughing because you somehow applied it to his feelings toward you—like how could he possibly be happy when he’s supposed to be miserable, missing you. Am I right? Somehow his laughter showed that the world hadn’t, in fact, ended for him without you in it.”
Wow. My eyes widened. I think Eddie just hit the nail on the head. “That’s it, Eddie. That’s what bothered me. It felt like a reflection of his feelings toward me, even though he’s never given me a reason to doubt them. I think I’ve been ultrasensitive lately because of the stress of the situation. It must be warping my sense of reality.”
I took a deep breath. Somehow having worked this out in my head made me feel a bit better. “Damn, you’re good, Eddie Muscle. Wanna trade tattoos for therapy?”
“I like that idea.” He bit into his burger. “Just think, Barbie could’ve been spared a botched haircut if you’d just talked to me sooner about this.”
I chuckled. “I guess I’ll never live the Barbie thing down, huh?”
“Probably not.” He winked.
“Great.”
Eddie poured some salt on his fries. “A lot of things make people laugh, Billie. You shouldn’t read into it. Sometimes we have to laugh for survival. You probably just caught the dude in one of those moments.” He pointed a fry at me. “I’ll give you a great example from my own life. You know about my divorce, right?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“It wasn’t pretty. Very bitter. Lots of resentment. I told you that whole story once.”
“Yeah…” I sipped my water.
“She and I weren’t speaking for a long while. On the day we went in to finally sign the divorce papers, we were in the conference room with the two attorneys. It was quiet. And I shit you not, her lawyer just ripped one right in the middle of the damn thing.”
“What?” I started cracking up.
“I don’t think it was intentional, obviously, but still. He sneezed and a huge freaking fart came out. Nicole and I looked at each other as if to say: did you fucking just hear what I did?” He smiled at the memory. “Then we both lost it. Totally lost it—two people who’d barely spoken a word to each other in two years. There we were, still hating each other’s guts, but we enjoyed that moment together, nevertheless. You know why? Because we’re human. That’s what humans do. We laugh at sick shit, we laugh with our enemies, and sometimes we laugh when we probably should be crying.”
I wiped my eyes, no longer knowing whether I was laughing or crying. “Thank you for the perspective, Eddie. You’ve helped me see everything differently.”
“Good.”
“Does it make me selfish that I still want him to know it upset me, and I’m doing that by not responding to his text for three days?” I asked.
“There’s nothing wrong with making him sweat because he does need to realize how difficult this whole thing is on you.”
Poor Eddie let me vent to him that entire lunch. Then he drove us over to the shop since I’d offered to do a quick add-on to his most recent tattoo that he’d mentioned he wanted—on the house, of course.
After we finished, we stood outside the shop. As I did whenever I was out on the street in front of the building lately, I looked around for Colby, on the off chance he was leaving or passing by. I never quite knew if I was wishing to run into him or praying not to, but adrenaline always pumped through me until I was safely back inside.
“I can’t thank you enough for taking my mind off things today and for your wise insight,” I told Eddie.
“Well, you’ve done a lot for me over the years, Billie.” He lifted his arm. “Each one of these beautiful pieces of art you’ve inked brings me joy every day. The least I could do is return some of it.”
“You really are a great guy, Eddie. You’re gonna make someone very happy someday.”
“Hopefully not as happy as I made my ex.” He guffawed.
“You’ll find the one. She’s out there. I just know it.”
“Spoken like a true friend.” He winked. “As much as I’ve been trying to date you all these years, I’m happy to have you as a friend, Billie. Although if you ever change your mind, I’m totally DTF.”
Down to fuck.
“Kidding,” he added. “I know that ship has sailed.” He winked again. “Unless you bring it back to port.”
I laughed, wrapping my arms around Eddie to hug him goodbye. He gave me a peck on the cheek. When I let go, my stomach sank. Brayden was approaching the building. He offered me a slight smile and wave before he headed inside. I assumed he’d seen me embrace Eddie. My first inclination was to run after him and try to explain, but then I concluded that would probably make me look even more guilty. After all, Eddie and I were just two friends sharing a hug; there was nothing to explain.
I suspected Brayden would tell Colby he saw me, though. Maybe now would’ve been a good time to reach out to Colby and finally respond to his text. But then I caught myself: I was getting too wrapped up in my fears and emotions. Colby and I were supposed to be on a break. So I decided to leave it that way.
***
After I locked up the shop, I opted to walk home to clear my head. As I did, guilt started to seep in about not having responded to Colby’s text and about Brayden seeing me with Eddie. I didn’t want to hurt Colby any more than he was already hurting. I decided after I got home, I would take a hot shower and think about what I wanted to say before texting him back tonight.
When I got to my apartment, there was a large envelope sitting outside my door. It was addressed to me. The return address was Colby’s.
I took it inside and opened it to find a stack of letters written on yellow legal-pad paper. And a note from Colby.
I’m supposed to be taking notes every day on the woman I’m living with, but when I’m alone at night, all I want to do is write to the one I’m in love with. I wasn’t going to show you any of these. They were written for my own therapeutic benefit—for my sanity, as a place for me to put all of these feelings while I am unable to tell you directly. I’ve written to you almost every night since you disappeared from my day-to-day life. If you want the truth about what’s going on inside my head, you can find it here. You know where you cannot find the truth, though? Through one quick snapshot in time, a silly moment of misunderstanding like the other day at the train station.
The first letter really hit me in the feels:
Billie,
Okay. It hasn’t even been that long, and I’m already going out of my mind. I’m not gonna make it through without seeing you. This sucks worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. I miss your laugh. I miss the way your ass feels warm against my dick when I spoon you at night. I miss the way Saylor lights up whenever you walk in the room. I miss your toothbrush. I know that’s a strange thing to miss, but the first time you left your toothbrush in the holder in my bathroom, it meant something to me, that you planned to come back time and time again. And now it’s gone.
I read each and every letter until I got to the last one, written the day I saw him at the subway.
Billie,
I feel like I’m losing you, and I’m not gonna lie: I’m freaking out about it. I’ve never felt so damn scared about anything. At the same time, I’m afraid to push you over the edge. I agreed to your request that we wouldn’t be in contact for a while, so I suppose my writing to you right now instead of picking up the phone is me keeping my end of the bargain.
Every night before bed, Saylor asks if you’re ever coming back. I always assure her that you are. My answer to her tonight was no different. But a small part of me worried that for the first time I was lying to her about you.
As painful as it was running into you a little while ago, it was SO damn good to see you. I was in a better mood earlier today than I had been in a while because we’d just left the Stokes hearing. I was so damn relieved to be out of that torture. And it went better than I thought it would. As we were heading back, I tripped over a random shoe, fell on my ass, and split my pants. Split my fucking pants, Billie. It was freaking ridiculous and hysterical. And so I laughed. I hadn’t laughed that hard in a while. Pretty sure it had needed to come out. That’s when I saw you. And you know how that went.
What you haven’t seen is everything else that’s happened since you’ve been gone—like me lying in bed at night aching for you, praying tomorrow won’t be the day you come to your senses and realize this is all too much for you to handle. You deserve so much better, but I’m too selfish to let you go, Billie. I love you too damn much. So I’m gonna fight for you. I’m not giving up on us, even if at the moment you hate me. Hate me if you want. Just don’t leave.
All my love,
Colby
AKA Pantless in the City
I smiled at that last part. It took me a long while to figure out my next move. I was mentally exhausted from all of the emotions reading his words had conjured up.
I finally texted him.
Billie: And to think I was so messed up at the train station that I didn’t even catch a glimpse of your sexy ass peeking through your pants.
