I’m leaning against my impractical hardwood desk as I wait for Raya after class, certain Adrian gifted it to me to irritate me. It’s fully enclosed and doesn’t even allow me to extend my legs fully, but he insisted I have it, no matter how vehemently I declined the offer.
I sigh as I tap my finger against my desk. Raya has barely smiled at me since she found out about our engagement, and I know I only have myself to blame for it. My fiancée confuses the hell out of me. I thought I’d be grateful for the distance she’s clearly keeping, but instead, it just makes me fucking miserable.
I rise from my seat at the sound of knocking, and Raya walks in moments later, her long hair cascading down the front of her body, all the way to her waist. “Professor Windsor,” she says, her expression unreadable. “You asked to see me.”
My shoulders relax at the sight of her, and I smile. “I love hearing you call me Professor Windsor,” I murmur. “But I think I prefer hearing you call me Lex.”
Her eyes widen a fraction, and a blush blossoms across her face when I walk up to her. The way her gaze runs down my body is surprisingly reassuring. “Raya,” I murmur. “You haven’t replied to any of the texts I sent you.” I cup her face and hold my breath for a moment, scared she’ll recoil at my touch. “I won’t stop sending them, you know? Until I’m able to wish you a good day or night in person, I’ll keep texting you.”
“I’m not sure what to make of you. Everything I thought was real feels orchestrated, and now I’m second-guessing everything you do or say, everything you’ve ever said. I’ll get over it, I’ll have to, but I just need a bit of time to get my thoughts straight.”
“I understand,” I tell her, and I do. “It was never my intention to hurt you, Raya. I hope you know that.”
She smiles tightly, that same polite and distant look in her eyes. It should be a relief that she isn’t arguing with me, that she isn’t asking much of me. So why do I wish she would?
I brush my thumb over her bottom lip, longing unlike anything I’ve ever felt rushing through me. “If I asked you to play truth or dare with me again, would you?”
Surprise flickers through her eyes, and for a split second I’m certain she’ll decline my request. But then she sighs and nods. “Truth,” she whispers.
“Would you prefer to get married in my brother’s rose garden, or my grandmother’s ballroom?”
Her eyes widen, and she searches my face. “What is your preference?”
“Whatever will make you happiest.”
She inhales shakily, her gorgeous brown eyes fluttering closed for a moment. “The rose garden. Your turn.”
“I’ll let Zane know. Truth.”
“Why did you send me flowers?”
I bite down on my lip and avert my face. The truth is that I saw them when I walked into Zane’s observatory to speak to him about borrowing his rose garden, and they instantly reminded me of Raya. I just thought they’d make her smile.
“It was clever,” she adds. “Sending them while Sierra, Celeste, Raven, Ares, and my parents were there to witness it.”
I sigh and wrap my hands around her waist, catching her by surprise when I lift her on top of my desk and move to step between her legs. “It wasn’t an act,” I tell her, my tone pleading.
She searches my expression, like she’s trying to make sure I’m telling the truth. “I don’t understand,” she says, her hands reaching for my shoulders. It feels like an eternity since I last had her this close.
I pull back a little and grab her chin, keeping her eyes on mine. “Let me be clear, Raya. You’re going to be my wife, and I’m going to spoil you rotten. If I want to send my wife something as simple as flowers in her favorite color, I’m going to do so — regardless of who’s watching. I’m going to treat you so incredibly well, you won’t lack for anything, nor will you yearn for anything.” I’ll make it so she won’t crave love, won’t even realize it’s absent. I won’t let my past touch her.
“Do you see how that’s a mixed signal?” she asks, her grip on my shoulders tightening. “Those kinds of things, you do them when you’re in a relationship, which you’ve explicitly told me you don’t want. I’m not saying I didn’t like it — I loved it, Lex. I’m just trying to figure out what you’re thinking, so I don’t misunderstand or get my hopes up.”
“It’s true that I wasn’t interested in a relationship, but as it turns out, you are the exception to that rule, Raya. I’ve given you space because I’ve been thinking about what you said, what you demanded. I don’t know if I can give you what you want, but I’d like to try being in a real relationship with you. I owe it to you to try.”
Her eyes widen, and I smile wryly, as surprised by the words as she is. I hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t even known I wanted that until the words left my lips. Before I met Raya, I had every intention of drawing boundaries and sticking to them. Somehow, I just can’t manage it with her.
She’s right — the flowers were out of character, and I simply hadn’t been thinking when I sent them, my usual rigorous decision-making process drowned out by my desire to make her smile.
“I don’t want this distance between us,” I admit. “It wasn’t my intention to upset you, or to push you away.” Fuck, I want more of the way she made me feel when we danced in my living room, the way she moaned when I kissed her, and the truths we shared. I’m tired of feeling so fucking hollow, so lonely, when she’s right there, shining a light on to my shadows and chasing them away with her mere presence. That one night with her made me feel more alive than I have in years. I can’t let fear deprive me of that.
“What does that mean?” she asks, looking more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen her look before.
“I don’t know yet,” I whisper. “Raya, there are things I can’t tell you about, things I’ve experienced that left me forever changed. I know it isn’t fair to ask for your understanding when I can’t even give you the full truth… but my little fairy… I promise you, I’ll try. I’ll try to be what you want me to be, to give you what you need.”
My heart wrenches when she cups my face and looks into my eyes, her touch gentle. “It would make me so happy if you’d give us a real chance, Lex. I’m not asking you to change, you know? I’ll take you as you are.”
