‘If I hadn’t threatened her with your safety, she would have found a way to escape before the wedding. Of that, I am sure,’ Cisco sighs as he takes a deep drag of his cigarette.
I stare at him, speechless.
Noelle… She’d known who I was. From the beginning, she’d known who I was.
God, how the hell is that possible?
We’d had layers of anonymity on that platform, and we’d both agreed not to give too many recognizable details. So how the hell could she have found out who I was?
But that’s not even the most shocking aspect.
She’d not only known who I was, but she’d followed me around…
Fuck!
I can’t wrap my mind around this. She would have been so damn young too.
We’re more than five years apart in age. At the time we started talking, that would have made her…fifteen?
For fuck’s sake!
I groan out loud. I was twenty to her fifteen.
Fucking hell! This makes me feel like a goddamn predator.
Fifteen! She was fucking fifteen!
But no matter how much this piece of information throws me off, I have to admit that it’s my fault, too, for not checking—for not asking her for her age from the beginning.
As we’d started talking, I’d thought both her thinking and her vocabulary far too advanced to be anything less than my age. At some point, I’d thought she might be older too.
There was a maturity of thought and ideas to her. It was what I most admired her then, and what I admire now.
Fifteen… My fucking God…
It’s the first time I realize what would have happened had we met back then.
She would have continued to lie to me about her age, and if what Cisco is saying is correct, she’d been prepared to sleep with me. Knowing myself and my weakness for her, I wouldn’t have been able to say no.
I would have done it.
I would have fucking slept with an underage girl and I would have been none the wiser.
A chasm opens in my chest as my mind and my heart find themselves in conflict.
Theoretically, I realize how fucking wrong everything is. But while my mind can compartmentalize right and wrong, my heart cannot.
Even back then, I know that I would have taken one look at her and I would have been ready to place the world at her feet.
If we had met, I am absolutely certain I would have done anything she would have asked of me.
Back then, I hadn’t even dared dream of a kiss, let alone more. She’d only needed to bat her lashes at me and give me one of those sultry looks of hers and I would have been fucking gone.
Had she asked me to sleep with her? I would have done it.
Had she asked me to take her away and run off in the world, just the two of us? I would have dropped my entire life and followed her wherever she wished.
God, but it’s quite unsettling to realize how one moment in time could have changed the course for all our lives.
If she’d made it to that meeting… If we’d seen each other back then…
We wouldn’t be here, would we? We wouldn’t have suffered everything we did along the way.
Noelle wouldn’t have married Sergio, and I wouldn’t have been sold to Armand.
A few seconds. A missed opportunity. And we both got a lifetime of misery because of it.
Yet despite everything, there is no certainty that we would have lasted. Both because of our families, and the fact that we were both far too young to undertake that type of commitment.
Ultimately, I know the me back then wouldn’t have been able to protect her properly and cherish her as she deserves.
Wait a minute…
I frown as I realize the direction of my thoughts and the fact that I’m so quick to overlook everything wrong with Noelle or that she’s been lying to me from the beginning.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I hear that she’s been in love with me since she was fifteen and all I can think of is what our lives would have looked like had we run away all those years ago?
Just like that, I’m ignoring all the red flags and looking at it from a far too romanticized perspective.
‘I don’t know how you managed, but with just a few online conversations, you won her loyalty forever. As far as I know, everything she’s ever done has been for you,’ Cisco continues, interrupting my thoughts.
‘It wasn’t just a few conversations,’ I mutter under my breath in annoyance, a need to defend what we had rising inside of me.
It had been a true relationship. Maybe we’d never met face to face at that point, but she knew me better than anyone else in my life. Just like I knew her.
Our friendship was a lifeline. For me, and for her too. We found refuge in each other despite everything and we clung to that small connection.
She was my one tether to the world, and I was hers.
We’d both had our struggles in our day to day life but in each other we’d found the freedom of being ourselves without being judged for it—on the contrary, we’d appreciated one another as we were.
Like a flash, all our interactions appear before me, and I place new meaning to old conversations. More than anything, I realize how terrified she’d been of her fate but she’d tried to mask it.
One time, in particular, we were discussing a movie and she’d just burst into tears. It had been the first time I’d heard her like that. Retrospectively, the movie had been about a girl sold into slavery, which might have triggered her own fears as her wedding was slowly approaching.
Other little instances come to mind—how she’d theorize about free will, or about women’s rights and the fact that the world might have advanced, but women were still, and would always be, seen as less. The latter had been a recurrent topic of conversation between the two of us, as we’d debate over the different factors inhibiting equal opportunity between genders.
Looking back, I can see it for what it was.
She felt trapped. The only way she could have some control over her situation had been by attempting to understand it, dissect it, and theorize over it.
Despite our different circumstances, we’d been more alike than I’d ever imagined.
We’d both been…adrift. Alone. Unable to fit in.
Empty.
Thinking about all her suffering makes my heart clench. More so given the fact that for all my shitty past, I’d had parents who loved me. I may have shut everyone out after what happened with Michele, but my mother had stayed by my side throughout. I may have seemed broken to everyone else, but her love had never been…less.
Noelle hadn’t even had that.
I don’t doubt for one moment that what Cisco is saying about their mother is true. It’s not the first time I’ve heard about the rift in the family and Noelle’s conflict with Elena DeVille. Yet now, it makes sense why. Noelle hadn’t been the child her mother had wished for. The more Elena tried to mold Noelle into the perfect child, the more Noelle fought back, resulting in an all-out war.
All her life she’s been unwanted. Unseen. Unappreciated.
Until…me.
Until I saw her just as she saw me.
‘Is that why you warned me about her?’ I ask sharply.
Maybe Cisco didn’t intend for his words to affect me this way, but instead of making me see Noelle in a bad light, I can’t help but feel for her and the girl she’d been—the lonely child and even lonelier teenager. For the fact that I’m starting to read between the lines of our past conversations and see the extent of her solitude—of her desire to have someone be there for her.
Her own family had thrown her away. Time and time again.
I’m all she’s ever had.
Before. And now.
And that breaks my fucking heart.
Will I throw her away, too?
The question echoes in my mind, but I have no clear answer.
No matter how much I wish the past never happened, that we didn’t have this goddamn tragic bond between us, I can’t deny its existence, just like I can’t deny everything she’s done to me.
Even so, I find myself reluctant to pin everything on her.
Not just yet…
There is still a lot I don’t know about what happened at the hacienda.
Despite my disappointment and anger at the situation, I love Noelle far too much not to give her a chance to explain herself.
Maybe I’m foolish to think there’s an explanation to this—to her fucking me and having my child without my knowledge. Maybe I am just a goddamn lovesick fool.
Yet I owe it to her just as I owe it to myself to find out the truth.
Just as I owe it to our relationship.
I did my fair share of fucked up mistakes and she forgave me. She always forgave me, even when I didn’t deserve it.
It’s time I gave her the same courtesy.
‘You might be safe from her. But anyone else?’ Cisco shakes his head in amusement. ‘She clawed her way from the grave for you, Raf. What does that tell you about her?’
‘That she’s stronger than anyone I know,’ I reply, unable to keep the admiration from my voice.
Cisco raises a brow at me, noticing my wistful look.
‘I don’t think there are any limits to what she’s capable of. I don’t know exactly what happened at the hacienda, but something inside her snapped,’ he continues. ‘I went back for her, you know,’ Cisco gives me a sad smile. ‘It was a few months after her wedding. I’d been trying very hard to find something to keep Sergio in line, and I managed to put an embargo on most of his shipments to the East Coast. He agreed to let her leave when I asked him to choose between her and his business.’
I blink in surprise at the information.
‘She didn’t want to leave,’ he says, taking a drag from his cigarette. ‘I told her she didn’t have to stay there anymore and you know what she said to me?’
I raise a brow at him.
‘Why would she leave when she had everything she could ever wish for?’
I frown.
‘She said that?’
Cisco nods.
‘She wasn’t coerced if that’s what you’re thinking. I had Sergio cornered. He couldn’t do anything but hand her over at that point. She refused to leave. In fact, she told me in no uncertain terms that if I tried to take her by force she would kill me,’ Cisco mentions with a straight face.
‘Why would she…’ I trail off, but Cisco continues.
‘The most interesting thing? Sergio couldn’t get rid of her fast enough. I would have expected some resistance, especially after he’d gone through so much trouble to acquire her. Instead, he told me marrying her was the worst mistake he’d ever made.’
‘I don’t understand…’ I trail off.
That…doesn’t sound like someone who’d been systematically abused.
Cisco turns brusquely to me, looking at me intently.
‘There’s only one reason Noelle would think she had everything,’ he states, giving me a knowing look.
‘Me.’
He nods.
‘I looked into it. You’d just been brought over to the hacienda.’
‘But why… Why would she keep me enslaved? Why… ‘
‘You’ll have to ask her that. I’ve done my part in telling you about her childhood and my role in her situation. It’s her turn to tell you the truth about what happened at the hacienda.’
‘How can I trust her? You said it yourself. She’d do anything for me. Including lie. How do I know she won’t tell me what I want to hear?’
‘Use your brain,’ he smiles as he taps his temples. ‘And your instincts. My sister may be many things but…’ he takes a deep breath. ‘She respects you, Raf. She isn’t just blindly infatuated with you, though I may have thought that at one point. She respects you and your opinion too much for that.’
Warmth unfurls in my chest at his words. Yet I don’t want to entertain any type of hope, or try to justify Noelle’s actions in any way. Because where the hell is the respect if she was hiding something as monumental as the fact that it had been my child she’d birthed. My child that had died. A child that I don’t even know how it was conceived.
Where is the respect if she willingly stuck around the hacienda while I was wasting away in that goddamn place? She could have asked for help. She could have gotten me out of there.
But what did she do?
She stayed behind and instead took the role of my abuser.
Where is the fucking respect and love in that?
My fists open and close as I try to regulate my breathing. It won’t do if I explode right now. I need to get a grip on myself since this is the one time where all the thinking must be done cold—with absolutely no trace of anger or frustration.
So I change the topic.
‘I can’t tell if you hate your sister, or if you genuinely admire her,’ I joke.
‘I’ve never hated Noelle,’ he states seriously. ‘I may have failed her repeatedly, but that was never my intention,’ he takes a deep breath.
Odd hearing Cisco admit this when the man comes across as infallible. Yet it’s clear he has many regrets regarding Noelle. And that only makes him more…human.
‘I do admire her,’ his lips tip up. ‘What’s not to admire? She’s smart and brave and she went head on with death and won. There aren’t many who could have survived what she did. So yes, I admire her. Because I also understand her,’ he smiles wistfully. ‘We both operate on the same level, which is why I can tell you this. Listen to her. Try to understand her. Resolve your issues. Because she will never let you go, Raf. Dead or alive, she will never let you go.’
I narrow my eyes at him, but not before I hear the confidence in his voice.
‘After all, I would do nothing less.’
‘I can see where she gets that from,’ I add drily.
‘Raf,’ Cisco suddenly turns to me. ‘She was capable of altering her own memory because of you. When we saved her from the fire, she thought you’d died. Her child had died. She had no more reason to live. Why do you think she went through multiple suicide attempts? Why do you think I pushed her so hard to survive? In the end, the only way she could go on was by forgetting everything.’ He pauses. ‘Everything that had to do with you.’
I purse my lips. I’d intuited as much, but hearing it first hand doesn’t help my state of mind.
‘Right. Got it. Dead or alive, I’m not getting rid of her,’ I mutter ironically. ‘I’ll do my best to keep both of us alive.’
Thanking Cisco for his information, I head back to the hospital, increasingly more certain about my decision.
I grab two cups of coffee on my way as well as a little chocolate treat for Noelle.
What can I say? Old habits are hard to break.
As I enter Noelle’s wing, my phone rings.
‘Tell me you have good news,’ I say as I answer the phone.
Carlos chuckles.
‘You know I do. I found someone who used to work at the hacienda but quit a while before the fire.’
‘And?’
‘He’s willing to talk.’
‘I don’t care if he’s willing to talk. Does he have any information?’
Carlos pauses.
‘Better yet. He has footage.’
I stop in my tracks.
‘What do you mean?’
‘He was in charge of the security at the hacienda. This was how he managed to quit working and leave the place. He blackmailed Sergio with videos he had of everything that went on.’
I swallow hard.
‘What exactly does he have, Carlos?’
He pauses. Taking a deep breath, he answers me.
‘He has all the footage from the facility where they experimented on people.’
‘And?’
‘You’re on…a lot of them.’
I close my eyes as my fingers clench around the phone.
‘And Noelle I presume.’
‘Yes. Now, I haven’t seen them myself. But the man described some of them to me. They are videos of you two together when you were under the influence.’
What…
Fuck! Just thinking about that threatens to make me ill.
Yet this is good news, isn’t it? This will prove or disprove Noelle’s words and show me exactly what happened to the hacienda.
‘Ok, good. That’s good,’ I say absentmindedly. ‘How much does he want for them?’
‘He won’t sell unless you go there in person. He is very paranoid, Raf. He still thinks that there are people after him and he won’t risk it.’
‘Fine. I’ll go to him. Where?’
Another pause.
‘Mexico City. He told me he would only meet a potential buyer in Mexico City.’
I purse my lips at the information.
‘Can you get me a flight to Mexico?’
‘When?’
‘As soon as possible,’ I say, pursing my lips.
‘You’re sure you want to do this?’
‘I think this is the best opportunity to take a trip down memory lane with Noelle and find out exactly what happened at the hacienda. And what’s better than returning to the place where it all started?’
‘You’re taking her with you?’ Carlos asks, surprised.
‘Even if I didn’t, she’d follow,’ I give a dry laugh.
Ah, Noelle, Noelle. What am I going to do with you?
I have no doubt she would follow me wherever I went, but in this case I want her there.
While these videos might help elucidate some of the mystery of the past, I have to admit to myself that I care more whether she’ll be truthful to me or not rather than what actually happened.
Since I can confirm her account with the evidence, I can finally see if Cisco is right. If she respects me enough to give me the truth. Or if she wants me so much she’s willing to lie—again and again.
Is this a test? Maybe.
It’s the only way I can see if I can trust her.
That also means she cannot find out about the videos until she tells me her own version.
Deep down, I have to admit that I want to understand her, just as I want to forgive her. It’s just that what she’s done goes against everything I stand for.
My heart might still be wholly hers, regardless of anything she might do. But my mind… My mind cannot reconcile the Noelle I thought I knew with the one before me now.
‘I’ll make arrangements for tomorrow,’ Carlos grunts. ‘You’ll fly commercial to Ciudad de México. I’ll try to get you a first class suite. I have some contacts in Mexico, so I’ll be able to get you a private jet to get to the hacienda.’
Carlos details the itinerary he’d thought of and I just approve everything, pleased with how thorough he’d been.
He knows me far too well, and he’d anticipated most of my answers, already having in place a plan for this.
‘Thank you for this. I know you’re busy, too. It means a lot,’ I tell him.
‘Any time, Raf. You know you can count on me.’
‘And you on me. If you need help with anything, please let me know. Even if I’m not in the country. I’ll do my best to help.’
‘I’ll keep that in mind,’ Carlos chuckles. I doubt he’s going to ask for help since he prefers to do most things by himself, but I want him to know the option is always on the table.
I hang up the phone and head to Noelle’s room.
It’s already past visiting hours so the entire wing is quiet.
Reaching for the door, I slowly creep it open, expecting to find her deep asleep.
Yet as I step inside the room, I come face to face with her.
She’s sitting on her bed, her legs swinging off the side, her eyes on me.
‘You were gone a long time,’ she comments slowly, her throat bobbing up and down as she takes me in, her gaze traveling over me from head to toe.
‘Did you think I’d disappear somewhere in the world and leave you here?’ I ask drily as I hand her the hot coffee and the chocolate bar, placing mine on a table nearby.
She accepts them, staring at them longingly.
‘Yes,’ she simply states. ‘I know you, Raf,’ she whispers with half a smile. ‘I know you better than you know yourself. And right now? You want to hug me as much as you want to strangle me. You want to take me back home as much as you want to walk away and never look back.’ She swallows hard, her gaze dipping to the steaming coffee. ‘I don’t blame you for feeling that way.’
‘If you know me so well, shouldn’t you have known how much I detest lies? Shouldn’t you have told me the truth before I was forced to find it out from my brother of all people?’
Her lips tighten into a flat line.
‘You have no idea how many times I wanted to tell you the truth… It’s been a burden living with this knowledge ever since I remembered everything. But at the same time…’ she takes a deep breath. ‘I knew you wouldn’t look at me the same.’
‘Noelle…’
‘I wasn’t a good person at the hacienda, Raf,’ she suddenly says, raising her eyes to meet mine. ‘I was the worst version of myself. I’m not proud of it, but I also can’t deny that it’s part of me—part of who I am. Because that’s exactly what I’m capable of to survive. To be strong. To…’ she licks her lips, her expression strikingly vulnerable. ‘To protect you.’
‘Protect me?’ I ask incredulously. ‘In case you don’t remember, I was a slave. A labor slave at first, and then a lab rat for those fucking drug experiments. At what point did you protect me?’
‘From the moment you went up that auction block after Armand died,’ she suddenly says. ‘I lied, cheated and killed for you, Raf. I sold my goddamn soul,’ her breath catches in her throat. ‘All to keep you safe. I did the best I could…’ she trails off, shaking her head as she huddles within herself.
‘Tomorrow you’re getting discharged,’ I change the topic. ‘We’re going to Mexico.’
‘What?’
Her eyes widen as her gaze snaps to me.
‘Why?’
‘Because I have some business in the capital and after that we’re going to go to the hacienda. I want to be there when you tell me everything that happened. Every. Single. Thing.’
‘As you wish,’ she nods, surprising me once more.
‘That’s it? No protest?’
‘No,’ she smiles, shaking her head. ‘The ball is in your court, Raf. I’m well aware of that. And until you can trust me again, I’m willing to do anything you want me to. Just… don’t ask me to leave you alone. That I will never be able to do. You’re mine just like I am yours. Only yours,’ she whispers, her expression so damn sad and vulnerable I feel it like a stab in my heart.
Before I can help myself, I’m in front of her, my hand cupping her chin, my thumb stroking her soft skin.
Her big eyes are oriented towards me, her lashes fluttering in confusion. But as soon as I touch her, she melts into me, releasing a heartfelt sigh as she leans closer, nuzzling her face in my hand.
As if burned, I remove my hand, unable to believe I’d have so little control over myself.
‘Show me your wrist,’ I bark, clearing my throat.
Why the hell do I have to be so fucking weak for her?
Why?
She lifts her bandaged wrist, slowly extending it towards me.
‘It doesn’t hurt,’ she whispers, answering my silent question.
‘It should,’ I add gravely. ‘It should hurt you as much as it hurt me seeing you bleed.’
Before I can reveal how much of a besotted fool I am, I turn to leave.
‘Be ready tomorrow,’ I tell her in a severe tone, opening the door and losing myself into the night.
Alone, I make my way back to our apartment.
Unwittingly, my feet carry me to the piano room.
I take a seat on the bench, lightly running my fingers over the keys of the piano.
God… What the hell am I supposed to do?
I’ve been conflicted my entire life about who I wanted to be and who the world wanted me to be. Yet now, I find myself at the center of another battle—the one between who I want to be, and who I am deep down.
Three selves.
The me I desperately want to be.
The me everyone else wants me to be.
And…me. The real me. The one I’ve tried to deny all along.
Who do I choose?
All my life I’d witnessed injustices around me. Lies. Crimes.
My own family was morally bankrupt to the bone.
Despite that, I’d tried to build my own set of values. I’d tried to look to the future and hope I could build a different path for myself—one away from the life of crime my family had planned for me.
More than anything, I saw in my parents what I didn’t want to be.
Yet here I am…my mind split in two as I ponder whether I can forgive the unforgivable.
And if I do… Who am I then?
I want you to lose everything that holds you back. I want you to shed your fears, your morality, your principles…
Noelle’s words echo in my mind.
Am I being held back by my own self? By my fear and the fact that my childhood marred me forever?
Am I shackled by my own trauma? A self-imposed exile of the soul?
Maybe Noelle is right. Maybe only by shedding every learned aspect until only instinct remains will I be able to find myself—my true self. Only by admitting that there is more to me than the social constructs that shaped me will I be able to redefine myself—not in pure, straightforward terms, but in arcane, only known to me ones.
Maybe it’s time to admit to myself that the world isn’t black and white; or good or bad. There are far too many shades of gray to firmly position myself on the side of the light, or on the side of the darkness.
Due to my predilection for extremes, I’ve always immediately labeled things good if they were in the least bad, and vice versa. I’ve never wanted to ponder the implications of being a mix of good and bad, because that in turn would also make me…bad. And growing up being labeled the good guy made me intrinsically position myself as such until that was all I believed.
I was the good guy.
I was supposed to be the good guy.
In the end, I’ve committed my fair share of mistakes that were not in the least good.
And while that doesn’t make me a good guy, it doesn’t make me a bad one either.
It just makes me…human.
With a sigh, I close my eyes as I realize that the only way to see this to the end and maybe have a chance at some future with Noelle is to let go of my damned moral superiority.
I need to embrace the less perfect sides of myself just as I need to open my eyes and accept the less perfect parts of Noelle.
That means hearing her out, looking at the context and considering every single factor.
Despite being mad as fuck at the deception and what happened at the hacienda, there is a part of me that still hopes I can find a plausible explanation so I can…move on.
I know Noelle. Maybe I don’t know her darker side, but I know the one that shines so brightly it almost blinds me. And because I know that one; because I love her for it, I must let her show me the dark too.
After all, is it true love if I accept her light but reject her darkness? Is it true love if I drop her at the first sign of trouble with no explanation?
The answer is simple.
No.
She might be fucked up. She might be a fucking wolf dressed in sheep clothing.
But she’s mine, damn it.
And I’m not going to give up on her.
In spite of her blatant unrepentance, I can clearly see she wasn’t unaffected by the death of the baby. Now, and before. That alone tells me there is more to the story than I know. But more than anything, I refuse to believe Noelle would have killed the baby with her own hands. Until I see evidence to the contrary, I refuse to believe such things.
Yes, she might be guilty of many things.
But I do not believe for one moment that she’s capable of something like that.
If anything, she seems just as traumatized by the topic, but she forces herself to put on a front so she won’t succumb to her feelings.
To decipher her, I need to focus on what I do know of her.
And just like me, Noelle is a master at burying her feelings deep down.
Isn’t that what got us here?
What had Cisco said? That she’d changed her own reality to cope with what had happened to her—that she’d lied to herself so well, she’d started believing the damn lie.
And that tells me the most important thing.
Behind her flawless conviction that she is a bad woman through and through—that she is the villain of the story—there’s guilt, regret and heartbreak.
That is the best place to start.
Show me who you are, Noelle. Who you really are.
And maybe along the way I’ll find out who I am, too…
When everything isn’t perfectly tied with a bow; when we’re clawing our way out of the gutter, who are we?
Who the hell are we?
