‘You need to have a proper conversation with her, Raf,’ Sisi says thoughtfully as she brings the cup of tea to her lips.
‘What she said,’ Vlad shrugs, pointing to his wife. ‘She’s the expert in her sex.’
Sisi rolls her eyes.
‘You don’t have to be an expert in anything to have common sense, Vlad. And in this case, I think they both need to calm down and have an honest conversation.’
‘Maybe. If I could be calm enough to do it…’ I sigh.
A day after what had happened in the office, I couldn’t bear it anymore.
The guilt. The anger. The fucking love and hate that constantly warred in my mind. I couldn’t bear any of it anymore. So I’d asked Sisi to meet me, thinking I could get another perspective—this time a feminine one. Of course, where Sisi goes, Vlad follows, so he’d included himself in our little meeting.
I’d told her as much as I could without giving more intimate details. Why I’m still protecting Noelle’s privacy when she’s the fucking guilty party in this scenario, I don’t know. Yet for some reason I can’t bring myself to tell anyone details about the past aside from the general situation.
Sisi and Vlad are smart enough to read between the lines, especially as I’d told them about the baby situation and the fact that I’m still trying to wrap my head around it—that I’d been a father once…and now I’m not.
To my greatest surprise, it’s Vlad who decides to comfort me—though the word comfort might be a little too much for Vlad. He shares his own perspective for when he’d heard about Sisi’s pregnancy and then her miscarriage, and that despite never in his life entertaining the thought of having children, the news had broken something inside of him.
‘The pain won’t go away, Raf. It’s been years for us and…’ She turns towards Vlad. ‘He’s still not over it either.’
I expect Vlad to be his usual defensive self, especially since this is a serious conversation and he never does serious. Instead, he surprises me as he takes a seat by Sisi’s side, facing me and giving me a tight nod.
‘You just take it one day at a time,’ he shrugs. ‘You don’t have to pretend it didn’t happen. But not discussing it with Noelle won’t help you either.’
‘Raf, look,’ Sisi intervenes. ‘I may not have known Noelle for a long time, but I know she loves you and I am sure she would have loved your child just as much. By your own admission, you don’t know exactly what went down. But I can tell you that Noelle doesn’t seem like the person who wouldn’t care about her child. If anything, I don’t want to imagine what she must be living with if she remembers…that. If she actually remembers the death of her child,’ Sisi visibly shudders.
‘Noelle isn’t Bianca, Raf. Of that I can assure you,’ Vlad interjects.
‘Right, as if that makes everything better,’ I reply drily.
‘It should. At least she has some emotions. From what you explained, it seems that you’re the common denominator in every case.’
I frown.
‘She’s a lovely girl. Normal, until it comes to you. Then, all bets are off,’ Vlad notes. ‘She’s not a sociopath like Bianca who doesn’t understand empathy. Noelle sounds as though she merely chooses not to let that rule her.’
‘You mean she’s capable of switching it on and off at will.’
Vlad nods.
‘But isn’t that even more dangerous? At least Bianca can be excused for not understanding right or wrong. Noelle does, and still decides to act as she wants. What do you call that?’
‘Smart,’ he shrugs, his tone holding a certain type of admiration. ‘Morality holds us back. It’s the chain that holds us from truly flying.’
‘And without morality, we’d have hell on earth,’ I note drily.
‘Maybe. Or, maybe, it would truly be the survival of the fittest,’ he muses. ‘When everyone acts in their own best interests without minding others’ sensibilities. Maybe at that point it will truly be about abilities instead of politeness,’ he gives us a wicked smile. ‘It would certainly be interesting to watch.’
‘You’re getting ahead of yourself,’ Sisi elbows Vlad. ‘He’s not here to hear your views on morality, Vlad. He’s here for advice.’
‘And this isn’t advice?’ Vlad’s brows go up. ‘I think it’s wonderful advice. Get to know your wife, Raf—really know her limits and what she’s willing to do. Only then you will be able to know how to proceed. Although if I were you…’ he trails off.
‘What?’ I roll my eyes.
‘If she’s capable of all that for you, then I’d ask myself what she’s capable of to keep you.’
I narrow my eyes at him. He’s not…wrong.
‘Just…talk to her,’ Sisi releases a harsh breath. ‘We can all theorize here all day, but you will only get the information you need out of her.’
‘But how can I trust her?’ I sigh. ‘I’d like nothing more than to hear everything, listen to her side of the story and try to understand the situation. But how can I trust her? How can I…’ I groan at my conundrum.
That is exactly what I am afraid—what I’ve been afraid of from the beginning. That I would hear the entire story and I wouldn’t believe her; or, that I would listen and believe a lie. Neither situation bodes well for the future, for my peace of mind or my goddamn heart. Yet in this case, not knowing might be the least suffering of all.
‘I’ll ask some of my contacts,’ Vlad suddenly says. ‘Maybe we can get more information to corroborate her side. That way you’ll know whether she’s lying or not.’
‘Thank you.’
‘You could also try with her brother. You said he already warned you so he must have more information. If you don’t trust her, then try to get more perspectives to see what aligns and what doesn’t,’ Sisi suggests.
‘You’re right. It’s just that…’ I take a deep breath. ‘I have a hard time even being in the same room as her. Knowing what she did…how she lied to me… I can’t reconcile it with the Noelle I knew.’
‘Well, you’ll need to eventually,’ Vlad shrugs. ‘And the more you put it off the harder it’s going to be.’
I nod, knowing they are both right but still dreading the confrontation. If what happened yesterday is any indication, then I know for sure it’s going to be messy.
But more than anything… I don’t know if I trust myself.
I love her. Despite everything, I still love her. So what I’m most scared of isn’t what she’s going to tell me. It’s that I’ll forgive her in spite of anything she might say.
‘Thanks a lot for the advice,’ I strain a smile as I get up to leave. ‘I really needed someone to talk to.’
‘You’re always welcome here, Raf. You know it,’ Sisi assures me. ‘Even Vlad can be a good sport about it,’ she adds jokingly.
Vlad rolls his eyes at her playfully, his arm over her shoulder as he brings her closer to his side.
‘You’re growing on me,’ he makes an ultimate concession as I head for the exit. ‘Now go back to your own wife,’ he shoos me out.
A smile tips at my lips as I shake my head at him.
‘I’ll see you soon,’ I wave as I head to my car.
I steer my car out of their driveway and onto the main motorway to head back to the city. After I plug in the coordinates for Cisco’s house in my GPS, I play some relaxing music, leaning back in my seat and trying my best to clear my mind.
The visit was a good opportunity for me to talk to someone other than Carlos and get another perspective—regardless of the fact that everyone will tell me the same thing.
I know I need to have a conversation with Noelle at some point—one that won’t end like the one yesterday. But in order to do that, I need to get myself in check, too.
I’ll be the first to admit that lately I’ve been too volatile, about to blow from the smallest thing. And it’s all because my reality has all but shattered.
Can this be fixed?
That’s the most important question.
Yes, I’ll talk to her. I will listen to her side. But can anything be saved? Can our marriage survive this?
Last week, if you had asked me, I would have told you that we could survive anything. But I would have never banked on Noelle being an entirely different person than the one I thought her to be.
She’s…
What is she even?
A psychotic murderer? A rapist? A villainous mastermind?
There’s no way to label her correctly because there is simply no way to put her in just one box. At this point, I can only admit that everything I’d known about her at the hacienda was real.
La diabla.
She wasn’t nicknamed the she-devil for nothing.
If what she did to Ortega is any indication, she’s not just some deranged killer.
She’s cold, calculated, organized.
While she is led by emotions, she doesn’t let them rule her.
Yet more than anything, there’s a lack of remorse.
I don’t know if it’s a general trend, but she’d never once been sorry about what she’s done. Just about being caught. And to top it all, she admitted she’d do it again. What does that say about her?
Yet things don’t fit.
She’s not some emotionless killer. She’s not Bianca.
She’s just…a brilliant strategist and an even better opportunist.
As I muse over my current situation, it takes me a moment to realize there’s a car following me.
My first thought is to roll my eyes in a not again manner. But I soon realize who is following me.
‘What the fuck,’ I mutter as I swerve to the right, stopping the car and slamming the door on my way out.
She exits her car, too, coming towards me with a fierce expression on her face.
‘What the fuck are you doing, Noelle?’ I demand as I come toe to toe with her.
She’s wearing high heels, and with the added height, her head reaches my chin. Still, it’s quite interesting to see her wear such high heels.
‘What the hell were you doing there?’ she jabs her finger in my chest.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I frown.
‘Sisi,’ she spits the name.
‘What?’
‘What the hell were you doing at her house?’
I frown at her outburst. Tension radiates from her as she keeps hitting me in the chest to emphasize her displeasure. Yet it’s soon evident why.
She’s…jealous.
‘She’s my friend, Noelle. I can go visit my friend as I like,’ I raise a brow at her, omitting the fact that Vlad was there the entire time.
Her eyes widen just as her lip twitches in displeasure.
‘I’ll kill her,’ she mutters. ‘I’ll fucking kill her if you touch her in any way,’ she declares.
‘What?’
If it was any other circumstance, I’m sure I would laugh. As it stands, Noelle doesn’t seem to find this amusing.
‘See her again and I’ll kill her. I’m not kidding, Raf. See any other woman and I’ll kill her,’ she continues.
‘So let me get this straight. You’re now following me around and I’m not allowed to meet anyone because you’re going to kill them?’ I ask mockingly.
‘Uh-uh,’ she nods, her expression serious.
‘And what makes you think you have any claim on me after the shit you pulled?’ I suddenly ask, just to rile her up.
Fuck, but why does she need to be so hot while being assertive?
It makes my blood boil to watch her like this, knowing I won’t be able to have her—that I shouldn’t have her.
‘You’re my husband,’ she grits out. ‘You’re mine!’
I tilt my head, studying her for a moment before I burst out laughing.
She looks confused as she watches me bend over and laugh, her brows furrowing as she doesn’t understand what my source of amusement is.
Before she realizes what I’m about, I grab her hand, pulling on the ring I’d given her and taking it off her finger.
‘Not for much longer,’ I retort, fisting the ring.
‘W-what are you talking about?’ she stammers, her eyes wide.
‘I’m sure you can figure it out by yourself. Goodbye, Noelle,’ I say, turning around and heading back to my car.
As I slide inside the driver’s seat, I sneak a glance in the mirror, seeing that she hasn’t moved an inch from her location.
She’s looking at my car, a haunted expression on her face.
Shaking my head, I get ready to start the car and leave—after all, nothing else will come out of this confrontation. Not when she is too hot this time to see reason.
I’d always known Noelle was a jealous woman, but I never realized just how much. And this is when she knows Sisi is married and would never look at anyone but Vlad.
Signaling my return to the motorway, I’m about to hit the gas pedal when I see something glinting in the mirror. Frowning, I hit the brakes just in time to see my foolish wife do something I’d never thought her capable of.
She fucking takes a knife and cuts her own wrist.
In front of me.
My eyes widen in shock before fear overrides everything. I’m out of the car before I can even rationalize what’s happening, already dialing 911.
‘Noelle!’ I yell at her, reaching her side in time to slap the knife from her hand before she does damage to her other wrist too.
Her left hand is bleeding profusely, and I have no way of knowing how deeply she cut herself. So I act quickly, taking my shirt off and tearing a strip of material to tie to her hand until I take her to the emergency room.
‘You’re not divorcing me,’ she slowly lifts her head to look at me. There’s no trace of pain on her face, no fear—nothing. There’s only a slight smirk that tips at the corner of her mouth. One that tells me she’s never going to let me go.
Dead, or alive, she’s never going to let me go.
‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Noelle?’ I demand sharply as I tighten the material over her wrist. It’s in vain, though, as blood quickly seeps through, telling me that she made a very deep cut.
‘You’re not divorcing me, Raf,’ she repeats, coming closer to me.
Going on the tips of her toes, she brings her mouth close to my ear.
‘You wouldn’t want to have my death on your conscience, now, would you?’ she whispers.
‘You’d do that? Kill yourself?’ I force the words out, my entire body tensing at the mere thought. Fear and anger are mingling inside of me as I’d like nothing better than to take her over my knee for the stunt she pulled while also peppering her with kisses so she’ll never try it again.
Damn you, Noelle. You’re a wicked, wicked girl.
‘Not before I killed you,’ she answers readily. ‘That way we’ll always be together, Blue. In life, or in death,’ she smirks as she draws back.
I shake my head at her, an amused smile playing on my lips.
‘You’re a wicked girl, aren’t you, Noelle?’
‘For you? I’ll be anything you want me to be,’ she replies, her eyes on mine.
The 911 sirens echo in the distance, but I can’t take my eyes away from her.
Who are you?
Yet it’s not a question of who she is anymore, as it is of who we are together.
The ambulance takes us to the nearest hospital where a doctor tends to her, stitching her wrist and telling me I was lucky I acted fast because she’d cut so deep into her flesh she’d almost torn her tendons.
‘She could have lost her range of mobility,’ he takes me aside to tell me. ‘If she’d cut just a little bit deeper, she could have damaged her tendons.’
‘She’s a pianist,’ I add grimly.
‘She would have never played again.’
The implication is clear.
Noelle cares nothing about her playing ability if she doesn’t have me.
‘As you know, since this was a self-harm injury, we have a protocol to follow.’
I nod.
‘She… She has a history.’
‘The psychiatrist on call will come to pay her a visit.’
After the doctor leaves, I give Cisco a brief call, informing him of what happened and asking him to meet me at the hospital.
At this point… I have a feeling I will need all the help I can get.
‘So, what did he say? Am I going to be under medical supervision again?’ Noelle asks when I go inside her salon, a knowing smile on her face.
‘Why would you do this if you know what’s going to happen? Especially with your history. They won’t turn a blind eye.’
‘Hmm,’ she murmurs. ‘You won’t turn a blind eye, either,’ she smiles.
‘So this is all for me?’ I chuckle at her resourcefulness.
‘Everything is for you,’ she says, coming to the edge of the bed and reaching out to touch me. Her uninjured hand goes to my chest, fisting the material of the new shirt I’d donned on.
‘Where are you going with this, Noelle?’
‘Soon, you will see my side, too,’ she says, her voice back to her usual calm one. ‘Once you know the past, you will understand everything I had to do—all the sacrifices I had to make. Am I a bad person? I don’t see myself as one. Am I capable of bad things? Yes. And I did what I had to do in order to survive. I did what I had to do in order to protect you.’
‘Protect me?’ I scoff.
‘You don’t understand,’ she shakes her head, a sad smile playing at her lips. ‘From the beginning, all I’ve ever done has been to protect you. Maybe I got a little selfish along the way…’ she trails off. Taking a deep breath, she leans in, placing her head over my chest right on top of my heart and listening for my heartbeats.
‘Ask my brother, Raf. If you don’t trust me… Ask Cisco how everything began. He’ll tell you.’
Her doctor interrupts before she can say anything else. Heading outside, I come face to face with Cisco—almost as if he’d been summoned by Noelle’s words.
‘How is she?’ he asks, a grim expression on his face.
‘She’s fine. For now,’ I reply, taking a deep breath. ‘I need you to tell me everything you know about her, Cisco. Everything. I need to know who Noelle DeVille is.’
Cisco looks at me for a moment before giving me a brisk nod.
‘Then we should probably start with the beginning…’
