I pause outside of Abuela’s home and stare up at it, feeling lost. I’ve never been an impulsive person. Every single thing I do is well thought out. My steps are measured and calculated. For as long as I can remember, I’ve played the long game.
Even when I was younger, I never dreamed too big. The one time I did, reality quickly came calling, reminding me that people like me don’t get to have carefree college years filled with fun and parties. When I close my eyes, I can still see my mother’s expression as she told me that she and Abuela had started eating more canned foods than before, because the loss of my part-time income was too hard to bear.
I don’t know if she said it knowing that the guilt would tear me apart, or whether she simply wanted me to be aware of the reality they faced while I pursued my dream of attending college. Either way, the moment my mother was in an accident, I knew I had to come back home. My mounting student debt combined with the sustained loss of income for my family shattered my dreams, and I haven’t dared dream too big ever since.
I’ve always known that providing for my family would be a burden I’d carry, and I’ve done it without a single complaint. I know that I don’t have the luxury of acting impulsively when my mother and grandmother rely on me.
Yet that’s exactly what I did. I quit my job without thinking. The worst part is that I don’t regret it. I don’t think I’ve felt quite this free in a long time, but how long will that last? How long will it take for reality to come knocking on my door all over again?
I have enough savings to see me through the next six months, but then what? I’ve worked for Windsor Finance since I was twenty, and I have no other work experience whatsoever. Both the car I use and the apartment I live in are owned by the company too. Walking away from my job means walking away from life as I know it.
Worry trickles down my spine, and I inhale shakily as I walk into the house. I breathe in deeply, the scent of Fabuloso oddly putting me at ease. Abuela must have cleaned the house today.
I pause in the hallway and take a moment to collect my thoughts. I’m not sure how to explain my actions to Mom or Abuela, and I’m scared to find disappointment and concern in their eyes when I finally muster up my courage.
“What’s wrong, Rosa?” Abuela asks when I walk into the living room.
I pause and blink in confusion. “Abuelita?”
She frowns and shakes her head. “Ah, Val,” she corrects herself. “You look so much like your mother sometimes.”
I sit down next to her and drop my head to her shoulder, taking comfort in her embrace. She holds me tightly and presses a kiss on top of my head, but all it does is worry me further.
Abuela already had a lot of pre-existing conditions that the insurance I was finally able to afford won’t cover, and she isn’t getting any younger. She’s been refusing to get a check-up, but eventually, I’ll convince her to go. What if she truly does need more medication?
What was I thinking, quitting a well-paid job? And what for? I’ve thought it over countless times, but objectively speaking, there was no real reason for me to resign. Luca doesn’t treat me badly, and he pays well. Thing had finally gone back to the way they used to be between us too. I shouldn’t have done what I did, yet I can’t make myself stay either.
“Abuela,” I whisper, my voice trembling. “I quit my job today.”
She doesn’t respond but continues to stroke my hair, her touch soothing. “Luca,” she says hesitantly. “Did he get engaged?”
I sit up and turn to face her, surprised. “How did you know? Has it been announced by the press already?”
Abuela smiles tenderly and shakes her head. “No. I just had a feeling. When you told me about his brother and the way he got married, I had a feeling this would happen.”
I cross my arms and look away. “That has nothing to do with me quitting.”
Abuela nods. “Of course,” she says, her voice soft. “But still, it is good for you to build a life of your own.”
“Did you quit, or did he fire you once he got engaged?” I look up at the sound of my mother’s voice. She’s standing in the doorway, a forlorn expression on her face.
“I quit, Mom. Luca getting engaged had nothing to do with it.”
She frowns at me and crosses her arms. “Why else would you have quit such a good job?” she asks, a hint of anger flashing through her eyes. “I should’ve known when that man gave you a house to live in, like you’re some kind of mistress. Nothing good could’ve come from associating with that family. I never should’ve let you take that job in the first place. Tell me, Val. Did you think he’d fall in love with you eventually? Tell me you weren’t that foolish. Men like him will always want women from their own social circles. The difference between you two is too great. Tell me that you didn’t risk your job and his respect for some cheap fling that he won’t even remember.”
I flinch and lower my gaze. “I quit because I felt like there was no further career progression at Windsor Finance, and I wanted a new challenge.” It isn’t entirely true, but that did factor into my decision. I’d gotten comfortable working with Luca, and because of it, I’d compromised my own growth just so I could stay by his side. That cheap fling, as my mother would call it, was the best thing that could have happened to me in that regard. It helped me see that I’m nothing but an asset to him, a resource. It’s been years, and he still doesn’t trust me fully, nor does he respect me the way I thought he did. I’m someone he feels he can order around carelessly, someone he wouldn’t even bother introducing to his fiancée.
“I hope that’s true, Val. Don’t make the same mistake I made. Perhaps it’s good that you quit your job, after all. He’ll have a wife soon, and she won’t like how close you two are.” She runs a hand through her hair and looks away. “I don’t want you to be taken for granted, and eventually abandoned, just like I was. You cannot grow old with him, Val. When you age, and you aren’t as good at your job as you used to be, he’ll replace you. It’s best to walk away before that happens. It’ll be good for you to gain more work experience before it’s too late. There would never be a future for you with him, not long-term. You wouldn’t survive in his world like that, and he’d look down on you. You could never be his equal.”
Tears burn in my eyes as I stare at the wall. “Do you think I don’t know that?” I ask, my voice breaking. I came home because I needed some consolation, but instead, all that awaited me was bitterness and scorn.
“Rosa,” Abuela warns, but I shake my head and rise to my feet.
“Forget it,” I mutter. “I’m going home.”
“Valentina!” Abuela calls. “This is your home.”
I glance back at Abuela when I reach the doorway. “I wish it was,” I tell her, before walking out.
Heartache chases me all the way home, and by the time I walk into my apartment, I’m trembling, unshed tears filling my eyes.
“Val?”
I walk into my living room to find Sierra and Raven sitting on the floor in front of the TV, a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream laid out in front of them. The mere sight of them has me losing it, and I burst into tears, sobs tearing through my throat as I sink down to my knees, my hands covering my face.
The tears fall harder when I feel their arms wrap around me, as though they’re trying with all their might to keep me together when all I want to do is self-destruct.
“H-how did y-you know?” I stammer. “How did you know I… I… n-needed you?”
Sierra presses a kiss on top of my head, and Raven hugs me tighter, my face pressed against her neck. “Of course we knew,” Raven murmurs.
They both sit on the floor with me like that, no questions asked, no sermons given. They merely give me the unconditional support I need while accepting that I can’t articulate my pain. I pray that I don’t lose them in the aftermath of everything that is to come.
