Luca holds me in his arms in bed, our bare skin touching. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way. For a few moments, he made me feel alive again.
I was so sure he’d want sex after he made me come, but he just pulled away and proceeded to comb my hair, until it was completely untangled. I’m not sure what to make of it. Even now, I can feel how hard he still is, yet all he did when we got out of the shower was blow-dry my hair and carry me to bed.
I hate how insecure I feel, how hard it is to control my thoughts, even when I’m well aware that they’re irrational. It’s like I’m caught in a downward spiral, and my own brain has turned against me, fueling every single one of my negative emotions.
If I’m not thinking about Abuela and the way I neglected and failed her, I’m thinking about Luca, and how incompatible we are. Abuela once asked me to think about what makes me happy, and to chase whatever that is… but I still don’t know what true happiness is. Is any of this even real? How long will it take for Luca to tire of me?
Now that I’m not at work, is he slowly realizing that he doesn’t need me? I’m scared to lose him, but at the same time I can’t help but push him away even further. No matter what I do, I keep feeling like he’s better off without me. I keep trying to convince myself it isn’t true, but I know he’ll leave me eventually. It’s only a matter of time. Everyone always leaves.
“Valentina,” he murmurs, pulling me closer. I look up to find him staring at me, his expression torn. Fear rushes through me, and all of a sudden, I’m certain this is it. He’s going to tell me that he’s done with me, that this is too much hard work. Or worse, that he’s found someone else.
“Let’s—” I cut him off and kiss him, not wanting to hear it. Just a little longer. For just a while longer, I want to exist in this world where Luca loves me. I don’t want the illusion to shatter just yet.
He groans and threads a hand through my hair, his grip tight. Normally, he’d already have pulled me underneath him, but tonight he just kisses me tenderly. It’s almost like he’s just indulging me, like he doesn’t want me the way he used to.
My hand slips down his chest and over his abs, and he inhales sharply when I grab his cock. “Valentina,” he says, his tone chastising.
“Ssh,” I hush him, my eyes on his as I pump up and down. He’s rock hard and throbbing in my hands. Normally, he’d already have pushed my legs apart and told me he’d go crazy if he didn’t get to fuck me right away. Tonight, he just stares at me, unmoving, his entire body tense.
I push against his chest, and he falls onto his back with a grunt. “What are you doing?” he asks, his tone uncertain. I’ve never felt this lonely before. My heart has never felt quite this empty. I wish I knew what I was doing, but I don’t. All I know is that I need something from him. I just don’t know what it is.
I sit down on my knees and lean over, my hand wrapped around the base of his cock. He moans, and for a moment, I feel wanted. My eyes never leave his as I bend over and place his cock against my lips. Luca looks tormented, yet he isn’t losing control with me.
I watch him closely as the tip of his cock slips into my mouth, my tongue twirling over every sensitive part. I suck down hard, wishing he’d just thrust into my mouth, forcing me to take it deeper. I want him to treat me the way he used to, like he could barely control his need.
Luca’s hand trembles as he reaches for me. “Baby,” he murmurs. “I’m about three seconds away from coming already. I don’t think I can take this tonight.”
Pain tears through my heart, and I take him in deeper. He’s rejecting me and using a convenient excuse. I know what Luca is like. He can go for hours if I ask him to.
My head bobs up and down on his cock, and he moans my name like it’s a prayer. “Valentina,” he groans. “Please, my love.”
His cock hits the back of my throat, and finally, his hand wraps into my hair. He grips tightly as his hips begin to move, and relief washes over me. Just as his cock begins to pulse, I pull away.
“No,” he groans, his gaze distressed.
I smile at him, my heart much more at ease as I climb on top of him. He’s breathing hard as his hands wrap around my hips, his eyes on my pussy. I grab his cock and align it before slowly sinking down on it.
“So fucking tight,” he moans. “Your pussy is perfection, baby. Sucking me off made you wet, huh?”
A soft moan escapes my lips as I sit down on him fully, taking all of him. It’s been so long, and the way he’s stretching me out is unreal. He tightens his grip on my hips, but he doesn’t move me up and down the way he used to. Instead, he leans back and watches me patiently.
This isn’t what I want. I don’t want him to indulge me. I don’t want him to give into me just to fulfill my needs. I want him to act as passionate and out of control as he used to.
I slowly begin to ride him, and he gently moves his hips with me, meeting me thrust for thrust and fucking me deeply. He looks into my eyes as he places his thumb against my clit, making it so that I brush against it with every move.
I wanted to make him lose control, yet he’s the one who’s making me lose my sanity. I don’t want it like this. I don’t want him to focus on my pleasure like his own doesn’t matter. I need the old Luca, the one who was impatient with me because my touch drove him crazy. When he’s like this, it just makes me more scared. I’m terrified that I’m losing him, and this is just more proof of it. I want him to ease all of my irrational thoughts, every insecurity, every voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough.
“I’m close, baby,” he whispers as his fingers turn rougher. He’s going to make me come again if he keeps that up, and I don’t want to lose control before he does.
I bite down on my lip and ride him harder, but with every move, his touch becomes more intense. He moans my name and finally starts to thrust into me the way I wanted him to, pushing me over the edge.
Luca wraps his forearm over his mouth and bites down on it when my pussy clamps down on his cock, an orgasm stronger than the one in the shower coursing through me. His eyes fall closed, and he comes right along with me.
“Fuck, baby,” he moans as his lashes flutter. “I fucking love you.”
I stare at him, my heart empty. “Let’s end this,” I whisper.
He opens his eyes and frowns, his hands wrapping around my waist. “End what?”
“This. Us.” I feel numb as I say the words. There’s a slight ache in my heart, but mostly, I feel despondent. Deep down, I know that this is inevitable, and I no longer want to drag it out. “I’m tired of being with you. I’m tired of feeling so insecure and inadequate, and I don’t want to have to worry about how much longer this will last. Besides, none of this is real, and you know it. I don’t want to live under your rule anymore. I want real happiness, and you’ll never be able to give me that, Luca. From the very start, I was just a tool to you, and I’m done wondering what will happen to me when I outlive my usefulness.”
He stares at me in shock, pure pain and torment flashing through his eyes. Luca inhales shakily and covers his face with his arm, hiding himself from me. He’s silent for a moment, and I shift slightly on top of him. I can still feel him inside me, but somehow, I’m too scared to move off him. It feels like everything between us truly will shatter if I do.
“You… Valentina…” He pulls his arm away, and the look in his eyes guts me. I’ve never seen him look so hurt before. “You’re unhappy in our marriage?” He turns his head and looks away. “All this time, have you just felt trapped?”
Luca shakes his head when I lower my head and stay silent, unsure what to say. One part of myself is begging me not to do this, while another part is telling me it’s inevitable, and it’s better to push him away now instead of dragging this out. Even if he thinks he loves me, it’s fleeting, and ultimately, he should find a woman that actually deserves him. That will never be me.
He gently lifts me off him before sitting up, his back toward me as he sits at the edge of my bed. Luca buries his face in his hands and inhales shakily. “Let’s go home,” he murmurs. “That’s what I was going to tell you earlier… but home for you was never with me, was it? I always said that the one thing I could never do was let you go, but what right do I have to hold on when I’m suffocating you?”
He rises from my bed and reaches for his weekend bag. I sit on my knees and watch him as he gets dressed, my heart bleeding. Part of me is screaming for me to take my words back, but I can’t stop this spiral, not even when regret sets in instantly.
He turns toward me as he buttons up his shirt. “I thought you were different,” he murmurs. “I’ve never met a woman who wanted me for who I am, but I thought you did, Valentina. I guess I was wrong.” He laughs humorlessly and shakes his head. “I love you,” he says, but his tone is harsh. “I fucking love you with all I’ve got, yet you sit there, making my worst fears come true like I’m fucking nothing to you. The reason you married me is gone, so you’re cutting me loose?”
He looks at me then, helplessness marring his handsome face. “I’m trying my hardest to remind myself that this is just your grief talking, but you’re breaking my fucking heart, baby. What am I supposed to do here? What am I supposed to say?”
His eyes fall closed for a moment, and he takes a deep breath. “Tell me you didn’t mean what you just said. Tell me you love me, and that our marriage wasn’t just a means to an end for you.”
I look down at my hands, my entire body numb. Deep down, I can feel a small part of me pleading for me to speak up, to not let him go, but darkness drowns out that voice. It would only take him a few months to get over me. I’m sure of it.
“Valentina, if this is what you call love, I don’t want it.”
He zips up his bag and turns his back to me. I watch as he walks out of my bedroom, leaving me here alone for the first night since I lost Abuela.
It hurts, but I know it’s for the best.
