I stare at the priest who morosely preaches about loss, death and heaven. He tells us all how good of a person my father was, and that we should rest assured because he’s without a doubt in a better place now. Though I’m certain that’s true, I fail to understand how the priest would know that, considering my father hasn’t set foot in a church in at least a decade. He was, after all, a devout atheist. My father’s belief in God died the day my mother did.
He would have hated this funeral. It isn’t him at all. Not even remotely. He would’ve wanted a simple ceremony with no more than a handful of mourners. Instead, I’m standing in a graveyard that’s filled to the brim with people I barely even recognise.
I look around me, my eyes settling on my grandmother. In the days following my father’s sudden passing, I’d been so grateful to have her with me. She patted my back and told me not to worry about a thing. And indeed, she’d taken care of everything while I foolishly nodded along. I should’ve known better. There’s a reason my father cut her off, after all. A woman who would embezzle from the company my father put his blood, sweat and tears into, isn’t someone I should’ve trusted to honour his final wishes. I regret placing my trust in her. I wish I’d been more on top of things. I convinced myself that involving her in the funeral would be the right thing to do. That it would give her the closure she’d need to say a final farewell to her only son. I was wrong. Based on the amount of politicians and businessmen present, it’s obvious she didn’t know my father at all, and I’m starting to be grateful for it.
“Alyssa.”
I blink and look to my right. Dominic, my best friend, has clearly been trying to get my attention for some time. He smiles at me, his eyes as red as mine. He clutches my hand and gently places a rose in it, closing my fingers around the stem.
I look down at it numbly. I know they’re expecting me to drop the rose on top of my father’s casket to signal the start of the burial, but I can’t do it.
“It’s time, Lyss,” he whispers. Dominic’s mother, Mary, nods at me with tears in her eyes. The only thing getting me through this day is the Devereauxs. Without them, I’d truly be alone. I guess from today onwards, I really will be.
I stare at the rectangular hole in the ground, my mind blank. I shake my head, panic slowly building in my body. I can’t do this. I can’t say goodbye to the man that has raised me single-handedly. Who is going to hold my hand when life gets tough and make me the perfect cup of tea when I’m feeling down? My dad will never see me take his position as CEO and he will never walk me down the aisle. I’m not ready to say goodbye. There are too many things we still should’ve experienced together.
A heavy arm drops around my shoulder, and I look to my left. Daniel. Dominic’s older brother and my father’s co-CEO. If anyone is hurting as much as I am today, it’s him. Daniel tightens his hold on me and gently takes the hand I’m holding the rose with. He looks at me and I nod. A single tear falls down my cheek as he raises my arm and the rose falls onto my father’s casket. Daniel keeps hold of my hand and clenches it tightly, as though he’s hanging onto me in an attempt to keep it together.
The sound of sobbing fills the graveyard. People I’ve never seen before are holding back sobs and, oddly, it infuriates me. Where were these people when my father was alive? When they still had a chance to spend time with him.
The priest drops a small amount of soil onto the casket and suddenly it feels so final. I feel an insane urge to demand that everything stops. To claim that my father cannot be gone. I feel panic creeping its way through my body, starting low in my belly until it constricts my throat. My breath is laboured and I can almost feel the hysteria bubble up in my throat. I remember being devastated and sobbing when my mother passed away, but that was different. When the cancer took her, we’d known it was coming. We weren’t any more prepared for the day to come, but it was different nonetheless. This time, my dad is just gone. There were no goodbyes and no long talks at night to make sure we told each other everything we needed to. The heart attack ended his life with no warnings. Part of me can’t even fathom that it’s my father lying in that casket. I haven’t even cried since he died. Not the way I did when my mother took her last breath. I haven’t sobbed like the people around me. My eyes have filled with tears countless times today, but I’ve refused to let them spill. Crying would only make it so much more real. You only mourn those that are truly gone. I wonder how long I’ll be able to hold on to this numbness. How long will I be able to hold the panic at bay?
Dominic’s arm wraps around my waist as he starts to lead me back to the parking lot. I let him drag me along, grateful to move away from my father’s grave. The further we get, the easier it becomes to breathe.
To my surprise, Dominic walks me to his brother’s car instead of his own. I stare at it, my heart clenching painfully. An Aston Martin Vulcan in matte black. The only reason I know the name of the car is because my dad and Daniel picked it out together. They scrutinised and researched every single detail. At one point, they even made a cost-benefit analysis for the different customisation options. Why they did that is beyond me, since the car set Daniel back millions. I didn’t think a couple of grand extra would’ve mattered, but according to my dad and Daniel, it did. The two of them shared a bond I’ve always been jealous of. At times I was certain Daniel was the child my dad wished he had instead of me.
Dominic and Daniel’s father died a few years after my mother did, and ever since my dad has embraced the two of them as his own. Daniel more so than Dominic. I guess he thought that Dominic at least had me, while Daniel had no one. I don’t think there’s been more than a handful of days in the last couple of years that my dad and Daniel didn’t see each other. My dad trained Daniel until he was ready to take on his father’s vacant seat as his co-CEO. They worked together every day, but outside of work they were more like father and son. I always aspired to have a similar relationship with my dad, but it’s too late for that now.
“Will you take her?” Dominic asks. Daniel hesitates, and truthfully, I don’t want Dominic to leave me. I need him with me, now more than ever. I stare at him pleadingly, but his eyes are on his girlfriend, Lucy. She’s standing next to his mum with a sweet smile on her face.
I can’t help but feel slightly bitter and hurt about it. I feel foolish for expecting him to stand by me today. Things between us haven’t been what they used to be. Not since my drunken confession a few months ago. Dominic has slowly but surely been distancing himself from me, and I only have myself to blame.
“Pathetic,” Daniel murmurs as we watch Dominic rush towards Lucy. He didn’t even wait for Daniel to agree to drive me home. Nor did he ask me if I’d be okay.
“Must be some magic pussy for him to abandon his best friend on a day like this.”
A tiny smile pulls the edges of my lips up and Daniel grins as he opens his car door for me. I feel relieved to see him smiling. Though he hasn’t shed a tear in my presence, his red-rimmed eyes and the bags underneath them tell me this has been just as hard on him as it has been on me. I’ve never seen Daniel cry or be overly emotional at all. The most emotion he ever shows is his perpetual boredom. His stoic expression has gotten him in to trouble more than once. I even vaguely recall one of his ex-girlfriends breaking up with him over it.
“When are we going to discuss everything?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper. Daniel’s hands tighten on the steering wheel. He doesn’t have to ask me what I’m talking about. As my father’s sole heir, I’ll be inheriting his 26 percent shareholding in DM Consultancy; the parent company that stands at the top of our conglomerate empire. The Devereaux’s own 25 percent while the rest of the shares are distributed amongst other family members and early investors. So long as the Devereaux and Moriani families stay united, we’ll remain in absolute control.
However, with my dad being gone so suddenly, the company is in turmoil. The share price has already plummeted in the few days since his death. On top of that, Vincent, the company lawyer, told us that my dad’s will is unconventional and that we need to see him as soon as possible for fear that the company may be in peril. He refused to discuss the details over the phone. To make things worse, the press has been writing scathing articles about the future of the company now that its visionary is gone. Many have expressed doubts about Daniel’s ability to run the company without my father, adding to the emotional turmoil he’s already feeling.
Truthfully, I fear not only for my own empty and bleak future, but that of the company too. I have full faith in Daniel, but I’m not sure how long it’ll take him to become comfortable in his new role. I know better than anyone how much he relied on my father.
“Not today,” Daniel says, sounding exhausted. “Today is for mourning and honouring the man we all loved. To say our goodbyes and make peace with a devastating loss. The company isn’t going anywhere.”
I nod. I’m grateful Daniel hasn’t set the meeting with Vincent for today. I have no idea how I’m going to deal with that when it comes. I’m sure my father has some sort of unpleasant surprise for me, and I’m not ready to face my own inadequacy yet. DM Consultancy was my father’s first love and more often than not I wondered if he loved it more than he loved me.
“We’re here,” Daniel says, sighing as he parks the car in my driveway. Neither one of us moves. Instead, we sit there in silence as we stare at the countless cars lined up in front of my house.
“Are you ready?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No,” I answer, my voice breaking. I clear my throat and look out the window. “But let’s do this anyway.”
