I’m nervous as we walk into Mary’s house. Though Daniel and I have shared a bed every single night since we officially decided to be together, he hasn’t done more than kiss me ever since we had sex a week ago.
He pulled away from me further after I crawled underneath his desk. He treats me with warmth and respect, but not with intimacy. He’ll kiss me back if I initiate a kiss, but he won’t let it go further than that. He won’t respond if I walk through the bedroom half-naked and he’ll block my hands as soon as they start to wander. He hasn’t even touched me from the waist down, and he’s not letting me touch him either. I’m scared the sex was so bad that he doesn’t want to do it again, and being here with Mary and Dominic is definitely not going to help.
I’m startled and oddly hurt when he carries my luggage into the bedroom I’m always in, instead of his own. I freeze in the doorway and bite down on my lip. I can’t help but wonder if he wants some distance, and if that’s the case, then I don’t want to push myself on him.
He seems awkward and avoids looking at me as he walks out of my room and into his own. I don’t know what to make of his behaviour. I’ve been insecure all week. Every time I try to initiate more than a kiss, he’ll pull away, and he’s gone back to being mostly professional at work. I’m not sure how much longer I can take the rejection.
I’m absentminded when I walk into the living room, my thoughts still on Daniel who has disappeared into his room.
“Hey, what’s up?” Dominic asks. He side hugs me and drags me onto the sofa.
I lean into him and sigh. “Nothing.”
Mary smiles at me as she puts my favourite apple pie on the table. “Looks like you had a long day, sweetie,” she says. “Where’s Daniel?”
I sigh again. “He’s in his bedroom.”
Dominic laughs. “God, why are you sulking?”
I pout and grab the remote control to log into Netflix. Dominic keeps poking me and annoying me as I decide on the chick flick I want to watch. I throw him my dirtiest glare, but it merely amuses him. Daniel walks in as the movie starts and glances at us before sitting down in his usual seat on the sofa.
“Dude, what did you do to her? She’s been sulking ever since she walked in,” Dominic says. I glare at him and poke him, which only amuses him further. I stand up with a huff and go sit down next to Daniel, taking the remote control with me.
Mary laughs and sits down next to Dominic, occupying the seat I just vacated. “The Notebook? Good choice,” she says.
I scoot closer to Daniel until our sides are touching. Usually he’d already have thrown his arm around me, but today he leans away from me a little. I’m frustrated and annoyed. He’s the one who said he wanted to make things official between us, and he’s the one who sent me all those messages saying he fantasised about fucking me. So why is he now the one to pull away? I guess I didn’t live up to his fantasies. Maybe he lost interest now that he’s had me.
I wrap my arms around myself and try my best not to overthink things. I want to focus on the movie, but my mind keeps wandering. Eventually I get up and make my way to my bedroom. When I’m feeling this shit, the one thing that might help is a nice long soak in the tub.
I stare at myself in the mirror as I undress, unable to figure out what it is about me. Is it my figure? Is it because he doesn’t like inexperienced women? I understand that sleeping with me probably isn’t as exciting as sleeping with someone who knows what they’re doing, but there’s nothing I can do about my lack of experience.
I lie down in the tub and close my eyes, half expecting Daniel to at least come check on me, but he doesn’t. Even when I get into bed hours later, he still hasn’t so much as peeked into my room. My heart sinks when I eventually hear his door close opposite mine and I close my eyes, feeling dejected.
I’ve been chasing him all along. I’ve sneaked into his bedroom twice and I was the one who kissed him first. It was also me who pretty much begged him to finally fuck me. Daniel on the other hand has always kept a cautious distance between us. When I got possessive and marked his skin with countless kiss marks, he hid them and even put a plaster on the one he failed to hide with clothes alone. He didn’t tell his mother that there’s no way he’d be seeing anyone else, even though we signed a fidelity contract. And he didn’t reject Olivia’s advances. Instead, it was me he ignored. I can’t keep chasing after a man that only wants me when I’ve worn him down. What man would deny a woman that’s literally begging him to fuck her?
I curl into a ball and hug my pillow. I refuse to pity myself. I went after what I wanted, and I can’t regret that, but I do need to maintain a sliver of dignity.
My heart soars when I hear my door click open and I sit up in excitement, only to be disappointed when Dominic walks in. I sigh and fall back onto my pillows, turning my back to him.
“Jeez, thanks for the warm welcome,” he mutters. “First time a woman has been so disappointed to see me walk into her bedroom. Just bulldoze my ego, why don’t you.”
I roll my eyes and pull my blankets over my head, intent on ignoring him. All I want right now is Daniel. I’m in no mood to entertain Dominic. I’ve learned the hard way that these days he only comes to me when he needs me. He sits down at the edge of my bed and pulls my blankets down to expose my face.
“Why are you in here while Daniel is in there?” he asks, tipping his head towards my door. I sit up and hug my knees. Dominic sighs and pulls me closer. He throws his arms around me and rests his chin on top of my head.
“What happened?” he asks, his voice gentle. I shake my head. What do I even say? I’m too embarrassed to admit the things I’ve done and the way Daniel has been avoiding and rejecting me. Dominic sighs and hugs me tighter as a tear rolls down my cheek.
“It’s nothing,” I whisper, my voice breaking. “I’m just… I guess I’m just insecure, that’s all.”
Dominic shakes his head. “Did you guys argue or something?”
I shake my head and wipe away my tears. “Okay,” Dominic whispers. “What do you want to do? You wanna watch another movie? We both know you aren’t going to fall asleep when you’re upset.”
I nod and Dominic smiles at me, his eyes sparkling with affection. He turns his back to me. “Okay, go on,” he murmurs. A small smile tugs at my lips and I throw my arms around him as he lifts me onto his back like he’s done since we were kids.
He carries me back into the living room and gently puts me on the sofa. I smile at him as he drapes the blankets over me and presses a kiss on top of my head.
“I’m gonna make you a cup of tea. Pick a movie in the meantime, okay?”
I nod and settle in. I’m tempted to pick a movie that’ll make me cry, so I can let go of the heartache that’s been gripping me, but I know Dominic will see straight through me. Eventually I settle on Die Hard, knowing that it’ll keep him occupied enough not to question me too much.
Dominic hands me my cup of tea and then wraps his arms around me, the two of us getting comfy on the sofa. He gently pats my arm while I rest my head on his shoulder, and I’m grateful to have him here with me. I wish he’d been there for me like this throughout the last few months. If he had, would things be different now? Maybe I wouldn’t have embarrassed myself with Daniel as much as I have.
