The sight of Austin standing beside my door dressed in a pair of dark jeans, a white hoodie, and matching sneakers causes my breath to hitch as I take it all in.
His welcoming smile fades almost instantly when his eyes feast upon Will. The expression is one I’ve been privy to witness on several occasions, like when Ethan Albright sat beside me at lunch and asked me out, or even on prom night when a few of the boys from the football team serenaded me in front of the entire senior class. While it was done as a joke, Austin was less than impressed.
I’m not sure why I panicked, quick to refer to Will as a cousin. It wasn’t so far-fetched, I guess, given that Mom treats him like a son. But then my emotions wreaked havoc, confused that I had fantasized about him inside his bed and guilty because standing in front of me is the man I love.
Austin Carter.
Without trying to draw too much attention to the situation, I thank Will and say goodbye. He doesn’t appear bothered, turning his back quickly and walking at a fast pace back to the car. I figure he has some woman to attend to, given I cramped his style last night by crashing at his apartment drunk on Cosmos.
“You’re here,” I say, eyes wide as I step back to examine him again. “But how?”
“I took a train very early this morning,” he responds, looking over my shoulder. “Who did you say that was?”
“And you’re here for the day?”
“I leave on the last train tonight,” he concludes, eyeing me oddly. “You didn’t answer my question?”
I shake my head, pretending that I forgot when, in fact, I was hoping we could skirt past the topic of Will.
“He’s my Aunt Nikki and Uncle Rocky’s son.”
“Your cousin?”
“Yes, well, sort of. We aren’t actually blood-related, but my mom is his godmother and spent time raising him with my aunt and uncle.”
“You’ve never mentioned him before.”
I purse my lips, trying my best not to show anything about disinterest over this conversation. “There’s not much to mention. We spent many summers together as kids, but he’s older, so he got bored with my childish antics. He went off to college and then started some business. My dad’s company invested in his or something like that. I’m not sure. I don’t pay much attention, to be honest.”
I’m well aware my ramble carries on longer than I intend. Slowly, the expression on Austin’s face shifts as he wraps his hands around my waist, drawing me in closer. He tilts his head, brushing his lips against mine when the memory of his Insta photo comes back to mind.
I pull away, creating distance, taking a deep breath to rid myself momentarily from the lingering effects of his kiss to gain some perspective.
“Austin, last night,” I stop mid-sentence, my head downward and staring at my shoes. “I saw a photo of you and some girl.”
“Some girl?”
“Brunette, arm over you…”
“Oh, you mean Summer?”
“Well, isn’t that a very seasonal name,” I mumble, unable to make eye contact.
Austin lifts my chin, our eyes meeting, though I could swear with every fiber of my being that something odd passes between us. It’s unlike our usual flirtatious glances or the loving eyes of the high school boy who once stood in front of me.
“You have nothing to worry about.”
“I wasn’t worried,” I assert. “Maybe concerned because you’re miles away.”
“I’m here, now,” he answers with a grin. “How about you show me your room?”
I swat his chest gently. “Liesel is inside, probably with the hangover from hell. Come inside while I get changed. We can go out for lunch, and I can show you around campus?”
Austin follows me in, pressing his body up against mine with a gentle brush of his lips against my ear.
“It’s been months. Why don’t we skip lunch for now?”
His hand glides up the side of my ribcage, then moves effortlessly toward my breasts. Everything about him feels familiar, and aside from the first time we had sex months ago, we haven’t been intimate since. Video calls were exciting, but nothing compares to the real thing.
We slowly make our way to my bedroom, closing the door behind us. Austin doesn’t waste time, pulling my body into his and burying his head into my neck with warm kisses. In the privacy of my room, it feels entirely different from having sex on a picnic blanket outdoors.
Our kisses become rushed, urgent with their demands as we stumble toward the bed, falling with laughter escaping us.
“I miss you, Millie.”
“I miss you, too, Austin,” I whisper, staring intensely into his eyes.
He runs his hands up my thighs, sliding my dress up, causing me to sit up and remove it. Wearing only my black bra and panties, his eyes wander toward the crevice of my breasts, his reflection tortured almost as if he feels pain. Slowly, his fingers move toward the clasp of my bra, the sudden snap releasing, my bra tossed onto the floor. I wiggle out of my panties at the same time he removes his clothes until he’s standing beside me, completely naked.
My eyes wander down his body, past his muscular physique, and I drink in the sight of his cock standing upright. Unknowingly, I swallow the lump inside my throat, realizing that this is the first time I’ve seen a man completely naked.
Austin moves back onto the bed, laying on top of me with his kisses now focused on my breast. I moan in delight, arching my back as I softly beg him to enter me. Unlike our first time, he doesn’t move as slow, entering me at his own pace and pressing hard as small grunts escape him.
The familiar build is itching all over my skin, moving to every inch of my body, and consuming my thoughts with pleasure. We lose ourselves in kisses, our hands exploring each other comfortably, and relish in this moment of just being ourselves without the worry of our parents.
His every move begins the spiral of pleasure, and just as I warn him that I’m about to finish, he pulls out and spills over my stomach at the same time, leaving my orgasm to fall slightly short. My eyes spring open, the sudden loss becomes increasingly frustrating. Should I say something? He didn’t have to pull out. I’m on the pill.
“I didn’t forget about you,” he whispers into my ear.
The palm of his hand falls between my thighs, rubbing the sensitive spot. I close my eyes again, his body shuffling down until he spreads my legs wide. Holding my breath, his tongue flicks against my swollen clit, causing me to gasp.
“Shh,” he whispers.
Pressing my lips together, I latch onto the headboard behind me, my body writhing while his tongue moves around my clit so effortlessly, and a warm rush spreads throughout my body.
Catching my breath, I feel him move his body back up to lay beside me and the sheets being pulled over our naked bodies.
We lay there for minutes on end. I could’ve sworn that if you listened carefully, you could hear our hearts beating in sync. But maybe it was my imagination, torn between how amazing it is between us and the reality that he’ll leave in just a few hours.
“The perks of college life,” he opens with. “No parents to bust us.”
I laugh, resting my head on his chest. “So, the movies and TV shows were correct?”
“So, it seems.”
Moving toward my side, I prop myself up on my elbow.
“Austin, what will become of us?”
His expression shifts, the happiness fades, and torment overcomes him.
“Why do you need answers, Millie? Why can’t we just enjoy now?”
I think about his question. Maybe he’s right. Why do I need answers? Because you’ve bared your body and soul to this man. I feel vulnerable, loving him so much but knowing that sometimes, the sacrifice creates a world of pain that love can’t withstand on its own.
“You’re right. You hungry?”
“Famished.”
Austin dresses back into his clothes as I find something more appropriate to wear than my bodycon dress from last night. Last night. The memories of Will come racing back to mind, and how easily I had forgotten all about it in Austin’s presence. When Austin excuses himself to use the bathroom, I send Will a quick DM to thank him for last night.
Me: Thank you for getting me home safely.
“You ready?” Austin calls from the doorway.
I nod my head, tucking my phone into my purse.
We find a local eatery, opting to sit indoors as the rain falls from the sky. We talk about classes, and I listen as Austin speaks about the new friends he made. The way he tells stories makes you feel as if you were there with him. Each one of them seems fun, and since they all are studying to become a doctor of some sort, I enjoy hearing about their lives and how they came to that decision.
“So, your friend, Henry, he’s studying to become a podiatrist?”
“Yes,” Austin chuckles. “We enjoy giving it to him because Zach swears he has a foot fetish.”
“And Zach is the one who you think is screwing a professor?”
“Not think, I know.”
“I didn’t think it was possible.”
“Well, in his defense, she’s pretty hot.”
I raise my eyes from my plate, a shot of anger sweeping through me.
“I guess if you like older women.”
“What’s there not to like? She’s hot, wears glasses, and intelligent. A trifecta.”
I nod my head, then lower my gaze, and stare at my plate. With my fork and knife in hand, I cut the green bean into pieces with a vengeance.
“Like you wouldn’t say the same if there weren’t a hot professor on campus?”
“I respect their authority, so no, I wouldn’t feel the same.”
“Right,” he drags. “But older CEOs?”
My head springs up. “Excuse me?”
“Nothing. It’s just you’re quick to have an opinion on the matter, though I’m certain that you can’t ever say you’ve never been attracted to an older man.”
I stare into his eyes, this jealousy turning back onto him. I throw my napkin down, crossing my arms in defiance.
“What exactly is your problem? Is it Will?”
“I don’t know, maybe the fact that you’ve never mentioned him before, but he’s walking you to your dorm room when you’re dressed in something so—”
I push my chair out in a fit of rage. “Don’t you dare say what I think you’re going to say, Austin Carter!”
His expression doesn’t falter, almost as if he rolls his eyes.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you. I have done nothing but try to make us work. You, on the other hand, couldn’t care less,” I tell him brutally. “As for Will, he’s close to my dad. So, him walking me home was at the request of my father and not because anything is going on.”
“Right, so he’s besties with your dad? A great way to fuck the little princess, huh?”
I shake my head, not willing to put up with his mood swings for any longer. One minute we’re making sweet love, and the next, he’s putting me down and calling me a whore.
“If you came here to fuck me and make me feel cheap, then you’ve succeeded,” I tell him. “Goodbye, Austin. I guess fate doesn’t have a chance since you decided for both of us that we’re officially over.”
I bow my head, ignoring the curious eyes of the other patrons. Outside, the rain is heavy, the drops falling onto the pavement furiously. I throw my hood over my head and open my umbrella, walking though still getting wet.
So, this is what heartbreak feels like, the end of something that was once wonderful. It feels like concrete drying inside my chest—hard and pressing, restricting my ability to breathe. Behind my solemn eyes, tears linger. I try my best to hold it in, but much like the rain, it falls hard and unrelenting.
And perhaps my mom was right. A love so strong can cause a mountain of grief. I’m grieving for a boy turned man who I spent the last year with, someone who shared their hopes and dreams with me, as I had done, and who I had experienced so many firsts with during a transitional time in my life.
But most importantly, someone who I chose to give my virtue to, the greatest gift of all, which can never be taken back.
I enter my dorm room and stare at my bed we made love on earlier today.
I have to finally say goodbye. I fought for too long, and for what?
To end up just as I am now.
Heartbroken.
