February
FIRST TOUCH: an action which stops the puck so that it may be passed to a teammate.
Graham
During the weeks that followed, I could not believe my own luck.
Pinch me, I thought to myself as I collapsed into yet another sweaty heap, tangled up with Rikker. My body was heavy with the delicious exhaustion that comes from intense sexual gratification. I rested my head on his thigh to catch my breath.
But Rikker wriggled out from under me, turned himself the right way around, and dropped his head onto my pillow. He slid one of his muscular thighs between mine, hiked his body closer, and kissed me.
It was a lazy, satisfied kiss. Just one of hundreds I’d received since we’d become lovers again. Life in the bedroom was very, very good.
Of course, in order to accommodate my paranoia, we followed a complicated set of rules at all other times. Under no circumstances would Rikker and I leave Capri’s together, for example.
Tonight, I’d left after my third beer, drifting out without saying goodbye to anyone. (My interest in drinking had plummeted now that my interest in sex had done the opposite.) When I’d made it into the Beaumont courtyard, I opened up a messaging app that I used only to communicate with Rikker. Just got home, I sent him.
Climbing the stairs, my anticipation began to build. Rikker probably wouldn’t answer my text. And some nights — if he was super tired — he didn’t show up.
Tonight, as always, I’d really hoped he would.
After unlocking my room, I always flipped the latch to keep it open. I brushed my teeth in a hurry, and then climbed into bed in a T-shirt and boxers. Then I pulled a copy of Sports Illustrated off the bedside table. But I didn’t have much patience for reading. My mind was on Rikker, and I hoped like hell that he was on his way up my stairs. Just thinking about him, I usually had to slide my hand down into my boxers and grip myself.
Tonight, when I’d heard footsteps on the stairs, I started to stroke. And then my door opened, with Rikker filling it. I watched him click the lock back into position and close the door. Then he turned to me. And when he saw what I was doing, his eyes flared. “Hands off that,” he rasped. “That’s mine.”
I’d complied, and then sunk back against the pillows. Rikker dropped his jacket onto my chair. Then he hauled his shirt over his head.
The sight of his rippling chest made my mouth start to water. I never bothered to watch porn anymore, because I had my heart’s desire any time I wanted. Right in my own bed.
“Take your clothes off,” he said. Just the rough sound of his voice was enough to get me fired up. I didn’t do it right away, because I was busy watching him unbuckle his belt. The jeans fell away from his lean hips, and I could see a prominent bulge in his briefs. “Clothes off. Now,” he repeated.
This time, I’d listened, shedding my T-shirt and my boxers in record time. I was naked against the sheets, with his muscular body stalking toward me. He’d worn a determined look in his eye.
Sexiest. Thing. Ever.
He put a knee on the bed, and I could have watched his shoulder muscles pop all night as he crawled over me. Those big brown eyes appeared only inches above me, and my whole body tingled, anticipating him. When I was sure I couldn’t wait any longer, he dropped his sinful mouth over mine. And we were gone. All rational thought fled, as we nipped and licked and manhandled one another.
There was nothing like it. And the fact that I’d spent years trying to talk myself out of this was frankly astonishing.
Afterwards, we lay entwined, his arms around me. It took a minute or five until we were both breathing normally again. But then Rikker said, “Did you see that slapshot that Trevi bounced off Orson’s glove at practice?”
I laughed. “He was so pissed.”
“That’s because Orson owes Trevi a case of Red Stripe now, because they went double-or-nothing from last week’s bet.”
I put my head on Rikker’s chest, where I could hear the sound of his voice rumbling beneath my ear. The truth was that this part of the night mattered as much to me as the sex. Rikker and I always lay here talking about everything and nothing. Sports. School. Whatever.
Before, I was so used to being lonely that I’d barely noticed. My teammates were always around. But Rikker was the only person alive who knew my secrets. In bed with him, I talked more freely than I ever did with anyone else. I joked more. I felt lighter.
I was in love with Rikker, and had been forever. I didn’t tell him, though. I mean, this is me we’re talking about here. The usual coward. Rikker would have liked to hear it, I’m sure. And I would have liked to hear it back. But me being me, that wasn’t going to happen.
He loved me too, I guess. He’d have to, right? Why else would he stay with my cowardly ass, and sneak around like a stalker every time he needed to use the john? In the locker room he ignored me, as I needed him to. And — this was my worst sin — when someone made a fag joke, I said nothing at all. That’s how I repaid Rikker’s nighttime affection during the daylight hours. With my silence.
But at night, we held each other. We whispered and laughed, and we kissed until our lips were bruised. We worked our way through a serious stash of condoms, and then bought more. In the mornings, he stole out of my room before daybreak. That kind of sucked, because I would have liked to wake up next to him.
I just didn’t want it badly enough to ask him to stay.
Meanwhile, the team continued to kick ass. For the first time in fifty years, Harkness was ranked number two in the country. With six games left in our regular season, there was a good chance we’d go far during the postseason.
The first weekend of February, we took a road trip to Cambridge, where we defeated Harvard five to nothing in front of a giant crowd. That felt damned good. When we got back on the bus after a late pizza dinner, Bella sat down beside me. “Hey, Graham. How are you doing?”
It took me a second to reply, because I was texting Rikker, who was somewhere in the front of the bus. Good game, I’d teased him. Next time you might even score. Because Rikker had a tricky night. All his best shots on goal had been thwarted.
Nice, came his reply. Tho there are other ways 2 score.
We used a separate messaging app to talk to each other, in case anyone (like Bella) ever looked too closely at my phone. I killed the app, stuffed the phone in my pocket and turned to her. “Sorry, what was the question?”
She studied me for a moment. “I just asked how you were.”
“Good.”
She smirked. “I can see that. A little distracted, maybe?”
I just shrugged.
“Who is she?”
Ah. I gave Bella an innocent smile. “What do you mean?”
There was a silence while she watched me for another long moment. “You aren’t drinking so much these days. And you always have your phone in your face. Is it anyone I know?”
Again, I just shrugged, which was probably going to infuriate her. But there was no helping it.
“Spill, Graham.”
“Nothing to spill, Bells.”
She gave me an eye roll. But I wasn’t going to feel guilty about this. She hadn’t liked it when I was drinking too much. So she should just be happy that I’d stopped, right? It was only fair.
“I need to ask,” she said, interrupting my thoughts. “Is it okay if I put Rikker with you again tonight?”
When she’d done that back in the fall, I’d panicked. This time, it took all my effort to fight off a grin. “Sure. No problem,” I told her.
“Thanks. You’re a big help.”
If that’s what you want to call it. Bella reached into her pocket and handed me a hotel key card. “Room four-twelve,” she said.
“Got it. Thanks.” I stuffed the card in my pocket, and then changed the subject. “What time is breakfast tomorrow?”
“Seven-thirty, unfortunately. Probably half the team will skip it. The bus leaves at eight-thirty. If you don’t want to bother with breakfast, the hotel website says there’s free coffee in the lobby.”
“Good tip. Thanks.”
I took my time getting off the bus. There was really no reason to feel nervous, but my heart rate was elevated just knowing who would be waiting for me in that hotel room. There were days when my secret felt like a weight around my neck. But tonight it just felt hot. In half an hour, while my teammates were watching Sports Night or maybe a little porn on their phones, I’d be getting some.
The elevator was full of hockey players, but I was the only one who got off on the fourth floor. “Night, Graham,” Big-D called.
“Later,” I said without a glance over my shoulder. The hallway was empty, which probably meant that Rikker was already in the room. I found number 412 and tapped my card on the scanner. Nothing. I did it again, but the light stayed red.
But that was only a minor setback, right? I knocked on the door. Then I did it again. I expected to hear Rikker moving to let me in, but there was only silence.
Shit.
Then I heard the elevator doors open again, and I waited to see if anyone I knew would appear. After a couple of beats of my heart, Rikker strode into view, a smile on his face.
“Oh, it’s you again,” I complained. But my smile surely gave me away.
“Sorry,” he said, pulling a key card out of his pocket. “Looks like you’re stuck with the gay guy.” He put his hand on my ass right there in the hallway, and I felt my blood stir. “No key?” he asked, waving his card in front of the sensor.
“Didn’t work. I must have demagnetized it already.” I shoved the door open the moment the light flashed green. And Rikker pushed me inside, his hand on my ass.
He threw his duffel onto the floor, and then pressed me chest-first to the wall beside the bathroom door. He kissed the sensitive skin just below my ear. “I made Bella check with you about sharing a room. Wasn’t sure you’d want to.”
I flexed my hips back, pressing my ass into his crotch. “On what planet do I not want to share a room with you?”
He pushed against me. “I don’t know. The planet where you’re thinking up ten different ways that we could get caught.” Rikker reached around my body to slide his hand down the fly of my jeans. “Mmm,” he said, tracing the bulge he found there. “Maybe you are happy to see me.”
“You think?” Putting my forehead on the wall, I angled my crotch into his hand. I was raring to go already. Rikker was the only one who had ever had this effect on me. When he put his hands on my body, I just lit up. And whenever he was a little bit pushy, I was on fire.
“I made a little pit stop in the hotel shop, for supplies. And before you ask, nobody saw me.” His chest pressed into my back, and both his arms came around me. He went for my belt, and then my zipper. Just the sound of the metal teeth giving way made me breathe faster. And then he wrapped his hand around my dick, and I tipped my head back against his shoulder, telling him without words how much I appreciated it.
“I know,” he whispered, as if I’d spoken. “And I like you up against this wall. But I’m looking at a walk-in shower stall in there. And I like that even better.” He took a half step backward. “How fast can you get naked for me?”
The answer? Pretty damned fast.
We left our clothes in a heap right there on the floor. And it was probably only a minute later when Rikker had the warm water beating down onto his bare chest. I walked into the shower stall and let the glass door close behind me. A second later, a wet, slippery Rikker had me by the hips. “Hands on the wall,” he ordered. And I complied.
Our life outside the bedroom was organized completely by my rules. No eye contact in the locker room. No texting my ordinary number. But at night, Rikker was the one in charge. He pushed my ass against the tile wall, and then dropped to his knees. Before I could even fill my lungs with air, he took me in his mouth.
The water ran over his back in rivulets while he worked me over with his tongue… Jesus. A little more of that, and I would probably explode. “Oh, damn,” I gasped. It was so potent. I was so worked up already. He took me deep, and I moaned. “So good. So good,” I chanted. Whenever he touched me, I became a live wire. Before, when I had sex with women, I could go for hours. Sometimes I never finished at all. But just the idea of Rikker touching me always had me ready to shoot. “Damn, Rikker.” I pumped my hips involuntarily.
He released me with a popping sound. “Don’t you dare come,” he warned. “I’ve got plans for you.” I shoved my hands into his wet hair. “Mmm,” he said, nuzzling me. “Did I say you could use your hands, yet?”
Quickly, I put them on the wall again.
He stood up. “Am I fucking you tonight?”
Rikker always asked this question, and sometimes I told him no, to give my ass a break. But now he was kissing me so hard that I couldn’t answer right away. “Yesss…” I said eventually.
“Yes, what?” he asked, his voice husky.
“Yes, doofus?”
Sputtering with laughter, he reached down to pinch my ass. “I don’t think you have this whole submissive thing down yet.”
“I’ll listen better after you make me come. Get on it already.”
Rikker grabbed me by the hips and turned me around. “Pushy bottom.” I heard the crinkle of a condom wrapper. “Spread.” He tugged my hips back, angling my ass away from the wall to give him better access.
If ever there was a holy shit moment for me, it would be that one. Because you can’t bend over in the shower for your gay boyfriend and pretend that your life hasn’t totally changed course.
But did I freak out just then? No. Because Rikker pressed his hips against me, wrapping his arms around my chest. And I was so turned on that I was practically vibrating. But first, all I got was this full-body hug. And when I turned my head to the side, I could see him in the mirror. The shower was already steaming up the glass walls, but I got a blurry view of him, eyes closed, a look of unconscious, blissful affection on his face. As I watched, he held on tight, kissing me between the shoulder blades and groaning into my back. “I looove road trips,” he said.
I laughed, because that was just so easy to do when I was with him. God, I had it so bad for Rikker. Whenever we were alone, the world shrank down to a manageable size. In his company I became my real self. And it wasn’t just the sex. We might be arguing about the NHL entry draft, or dining hall food. It was all just right.
The shower rained down on us, and I closed my eyes and pressed back against Rikker’s body. Groaning with anticipation, he began to stroke me.
I wanted him on me, around me. In me. Right where he belonged.
Rikker
The next morning, I woke up halfway off the hotel bed. I rolled over. Or rather, I tried to. “You are such a bed hog,” I whispered to Graham, who was sleeping spread-eagled on the double bed that we’d ended up sharing. It was so much smaller than the big bed that Graham had rigged up in his dorm room.
Graham did not reply, seeing as he was dead to the world. His face was serene, chin tipped up toward the ceiling. In the stillness of our hotel room, I could hear the faintest whistle each time he exhaled.
I liked to study Graham when he was sleeping, because only then did he look truly peaceful.
But nature called. And it was a luxury to stumble into the hotel bathroom and take a piss without worrying that one of Graham’s neighbors would spot me.
When I came back out, Graham’s phone alarm had just gone off in the little docking station he traveled with. It played — naturally — a Clapton tune. Though I’d never admit it, the acoustic version of “Layla” was a really good song. And kind of sexy, too. Even though it was time to get up, I slipped back into bed. Or I tried to. “Move over, hottie.” I swatted his big thigh.
Without opening his eyes, Graham gave me a sleepy grin. Then he stretched his legs a little wider.
So what could I do but climb on him? I maneuvered into position, straddling his sleepy body. “The bus leaves in thirty minutes. I’m on the fence about breakfast. But I’m not leaving here until I know you’ll get up.”
“Good of you,” he slurred, turning his face away from the light.
I reached up, stroking his cheekbone. He had such a beautiful face, I loved touching it. “Wake up, baby.”
His lips twisted. “You are too cheerful in the morning. I don’t like it.”
I leaned down, dropping kisses onto his hairline. “I know better ways to wake you up. But I don’t think we have the time.”
“Mmm,” he said. His eyes were still closed, but his hips shifted underneath me. At least one part of Graham was properly awake. The feel of him beneath me was divine. Too bad I didn’t have a half an hour to waste…
Sleepy hands rose up to grasp my ribs. I dropped my lips down to his neck, kissing softly along the sensitive skin beneath his ear. “Wake up,” I whispered.
He turned his head then, capturing me in a kiss. So sweet. I still got a thrill whenever he made a move on me. It was stupid, really. We were together now in every possible way. But I craved his affection. Every kiss still felt like a gift, because I knew how much they cost him.
I sank into Graham’s kiss, my hips riding him just enough to probably frustrate the both of us. I was so absorbed in the moment, and in the sound of each breathy exhalation that I didn’t hear the door open.
“Graham, I gave you my key by mistake! Had to get another one from the…” Bella’s voice died away. Then there was a loud gasp. And then, “Rikker? What the…?”
Beneath me, Graham went absolutely still. I turned my head to see Bella standing there, her face reddening, her mouth open.
I eased off Graham’s naked body, giving him time to yank the sheet up higher. “What the fuck are you doing in here?” he rasped.
That was the wrong thing to say.
Bella stood there, a molded tray with three coffee cups in one hand. “You…” she stammered. “He…” It was horrible to watch. Her eyes filled with tears. Then she took a deep breath. “I was bringing you coffee. You asshole,” she said. “Because I was under the mistaken impression that we were friends.”
“Bella,” I said softly. But then I ran out of words. Because there really was nothing else to say on the subject. I put a bed pillow in front of my package and dove for my underwear on the floor.
Her face had turned bright red. “This isn’t just a fluke, is it?” she sputtered. “You’ve done this before. God, Graham.” His eyes were squeezed shut, and his face was red, too. Maybe redder than hers. Bella stomped toward the door, turning around once more before she got there. “I thought we were close!” she yelled.
And then she turned around and left, the door slamming behind her.
“Oh, God. How the hell did she get in here?” Graham covered his face in his hands.
“She said something about her key. I don’t fucking know. I’m sorry,” I said, hopping into my jeans. “I’m going to catch her. You okay with that?”
Graham just lay there, stunned. “Yeah. I guess.”
“She’s not going to tell anyone,” I said as I shoved my feet into my shoes.
He just sighed, the weight of the world in it.
I put one knee on the bed, and a hand on his chest. “Are you okay?”
“She’s pretty pissed.”
“You know why, right?” Because she loves you.
He pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers. “I guess. I’m such an asshole.”
“No, you’re not. Just kind of stupid.” I patted him on the hip and then stood up. “You’re not going to freak out, are you?”
Another sigh. “Probably not.”
“Good. Because your very fine ass needs to be on the bus in half an hour.” I shoved my stuff into my duffel at warp speed. “Can you grab my toiletries when you leave? I don’t have time.”
Bella wasn’t hard to catch. When I got to the elevators, she wasn’t there. But a quick scan of the lobby revealed a defeated-looking figure on a lonesome bench between two ficus trees. She sat there, staring at her shoes, her face blotchy.
She didn’t look up when I sat down beside her. But she didn’t order me to leave. So that was something. “Would it be really obnoxious of me to ask right now if one of those coffees was supposed to be for me?”
Bella practically growled. “I kind of hate you right now.”
“I know,” I whispered.
She took one of the cups out of the tray and handed it to me. Then she took a big slug of another one. “What the fuck, Rikker. How could I be such an idiot?”
“You’re not.”
She made a face. “I… It’s hard to wrap my head around.” She raked her hands over her forehead. “I mean… I never thought that Graham…” I watched the emotions duke it out on her face. “You went to the same high school for a while. He said he didn’t remember you.” She looked up at me for the first time. “That wasn’t true, was it?”
I cleared my throat. “He would have to have a pretty impressive case of amnesia.”
Bella groaned in frustration. “I’m so pissed at him. It’s like… we had so many conversations about relationships. And sex. And our pasts, you know? We talked all the time.” She dropped her voice. “Graham is gay.” These last words came slowly, as if she were trying them on.
And I’d still never heard Graham say it out loud.
“…So then he lied to me for years,” she went on. “Even last night, I asked who he was texting… I’m offended, okay? Because I would have been cool with the truth, you know? I’m not like that.”
I just put my arm around her, and let her get it all out.
“I knew he didn’t love me.”
“He does love you.”
She flapped a hand, making the universal sign for enough already. “I don’t usually fall for people. And whenever I do, it’s a huge disaster.”
“We have that in common, then.” I moved closer to her on the bench. “Come here, would you?”
She hesitated. Then she leaned in, letting me wrap my arms around her. “I definitely hate you right now,” she said in a small voice.
“I know.”
“I hate Graham more.”
“He’s kind of an idiot,” I said. She giggled, her face in my neck. But a few tears came along for the ride, too. “Bella, for what it’s worth, I don’t think he ever knew how you felt about him.” This was weird, really. Comforting my friend because she couldn’t have my lover. But whatever.
“I never told him. Because I knew it wouldn’t help. He didn’t love me. I just didn’t know why. But everything makes so much more sense now. Graham likes guys. That’s why he would only have sex drunk. And that’s why I always had to work so hard to…”
“…That’s T.M.I.” Thankfully, she didn’t finish that thought. I didn’t want to hear anything about the sex they had. Partly I was jealous. But also, I felt protective of poor Graham. For a few minutes I just held her. And then, at the risk of setting her off, I said what I had to say. “Bella, please don’t tell anyone.”
She jerked away from me, her expression fierce. “Is that why you’re being nice to me? So I’ll keep his little secret?”
I pulled her to me again. “No. And you know it. You’re my friend. Pretty much my only one.”
She made an irritated sound, but didn’t pull away. “Why does it have to be such a big secret, anyway?”
“Seriously? Do you think I make this look fun?”
She put her chin on my shoulder. “If everybody came out at once, it wouldn’t be a thing anymore.”
“Dream on. I’ve been comfy in the closet before. Christian school, and all.”
She looked up at me. “Jesus saves. Unless you’re gay?”
I gave her a squeeze. “That’s exactly right.”
“Graham went there for four years?” she asked.
“Six, because we did the middle school first. Fire and brimstone, and reading, writing and arithmetic.”
“God, what a mess.” She sighed, her head dropping onto my shoulder again. “I just can’t even…” Her sentences kept stopping and starting. But shock will do that to a person. After a while, though, she seemed to calm down. “What happened between you two, before?”
I shook my head. “Sorry. It’s not my story to tell.”
“Sure it is.” When I shook my head again, her brow furrowed. “It must have been something bad. And that’s why you didn’t want me to put you in that other hotel room together.” She clapped a hand onto her forehead.
“That turned out okay,” I said quickly.
“For you.” Her laugh was dark. “The night we met, I told you that I was afraid you’d cut in on my action.”
“When I said that it would never happen, I really believed it.”
Bella let out a big groan. “Fuck. I loved Graham in spite of his dark corners. I thought someday he’d realize he felt the same way about me.” She was quiet for a moment, her hands over her eyes. “Saying it out loud sounds so pathetic.”
I took a big slug of my rapidly cooling coffee, and then offered her a hand. “You aren’t pathetic.”
“I am, though,” she insisted. “It’s just that usually I can get through the day without being reminded of it. Fucking Graham. Why didn’t he just tell me?”
Because he couldn’t even tell himself. “You’ll have to ask him.”
We sat there in silence a little longer. “You and Graham,” Bella said under her breath. “Damn. I don’t suppose you’d let me watch? That would be pretty hot.”
I choked on my last swallow of coffee.
“Didn’t think so,” Bella mumbled.
