While Levi distracted the girls with the promise of breakfast, I went into the bathroom and turned on the faucet. His words asking for a second chance echoed in my head and sent my thoughts back to the night I had asked him for a separation.
I put down the fairytale book and looked at Ashley. She’d finally fallen asleep. My daughter was unsettled with her dad prowling around the house like a storm cloud. Even I wasn’t comfortable with my husband anymore. He’d become a stranger.
At least he wasn’t a drunk, and at least he didn’t yell at the girls. Sometimes I wondered if it was better if he stayed away. Ashley didn’t want to be in a room with him when I wasn’t around. She said he was like that angry bear on TV. Whitney would get mad at Ashley because my oldest was closest to Levi. But my girls didn’t deserve this.
The door to our daughter’s room opened. I could feel his presence even without turning around. It wasn’t warmth or cold, it was just … dead presence. Something that put me on edge and wrapped me in despair. I couldn’t live like this anymore. I couldn’t grieve Callum or the slow death of a relationship that cannibalized my soul.
“Can I talk to you?” His voice was rough.
I kissed Ashley on the forehead and got up. He wasn’t at the door. He’d already gone down the hallway and down the stairs. I followed him to the outdoor patio.
“My company is reorganizing,” he said. “I’ve asked for most of my assignments to be here.”
I raised a brow. “Here? What kind of jobs?”
“Celebrity protection.”
“That’s not going to make you happy.”
“Oh, what do you think will make me happy?” he sneered. “The SEALs? They fucked us over, didn’t they? Being a security contractor? The government found a way to fuck us over again.”
I didn’t point out that a few of his team went rogue against the U.S. government. It was a wonder they weren’t in Leavenworth.
I folded my arms. “Are you still going to travel?”
“Probably. I’ll try to stay local.”
“Is anything going to change?”
He glared at me. “What do you want from me, Kelly?”
I stared at him. I didn’t even know anymore. And his declaration that he was staying didn’t bring me joy. A slither of unease wrapped around my heart. Even before he came home this time, I knew I’d already made a decision.
“Are you willing to go to couple’s counseling?”
He snorted. “The last thing I want is for a stranger to tell us how to fix our marriage.”
“How about a grief support … ”
He flipped the patio chair over, startling us both. He scraped a hand over his face and muttered, “Sorry.” And then stalked to the far edge of the patio. He looked out into the darkness of the garden for a few minutes before he turned around.
“I can’t bear to see you slip away from us like this, Levi.” I walked slowly toward him. I saw a man vibrating with rage. Deep down inside, I knew he would never hurt me physically. Emotionally, he was tearing me apart.
“I’m right fucking here,” he growled. “I’m moving here. And I’m asking you again. What else do you fucking want from me?”
I knew for a fact that the private military company he’d been working for had been dissolved by the JAG. If it hadn’t, would he be here right now?
I raised my hand and touched his cheek. “I’ll always love you, Levi,” I said softly.
I saw the moment the anger bled out from him, and I hated the stricken panic in his eyes. “Babe?” he asked hoarsely. “What … what’s going on?”
Staring up at the night sky as though it would keep the tears at bay, emotion was a ball of pain pushing up my throat.
He gripped my shoulders. “Why does this feel like goodbye?”
“I need to think about Whit and Ash.” I started crying. “You need to seek help for your anger, your guilt over what happened. I can’t live like this anymore. Think about our girls … what you’re doing to them. The children and I are leaving you and there’s nothing you can say or do to stop me.”
I leaned into the sink, becoming aware of the water running, as the physical pain of that night drilled into my chest. He tried to convince me he would do better, but after a week he realized I was right. We’d become strangers, and he had trouble interacting with Ashley.
But Levi had changed. He sought counseling for his unresolved anger and grief. He even joined a veteran support group. He was a teddy bear around the girls, and they loved their daddy. The first year we devoted so much time to making sure the girls didn’t suffer because of our separation. I didn’t cry around them. I kept my pain to myself including my own guilt and our inability to talk about Callum’s death. There was still something I was ashamed about that I hadn’t told anyone, but if there was anyone who would understand me, it was my husband.
Lately, we’d been at each other’s throats, hence, that night when he challenged me to find someone else.
Maybe it was because we never worked on our relationship or talked about the possibility of getting back together.
We were scared of how to move forward and the possibility of losing each other forever.
Divorce was a life-changing event that would jolt us out of the limbo we found ourselves in.
It was time to see if we had another shot.
“I want another one, Daddy!”
Ashley certainly had a bigger appetite when she was with her father. It didn’t take much analysis to figure out that Levi fed them more sugar and fat on the weekends. It was why I balanced their diet when they were with me. No parenting competition existed between us because of our separation. I never bad-mouthed their father to the girls and, as far as I knew, Levi never did that either.
I took in the entire tableau of him bantering with our kids and tried to remember the last time we’d been around the kitchen for breakfast like that. Last August, Levi sustained a bad concussion during a mission to Mexico and needed someone to look after him for a few weeks. When Bristow called me, the first thing he said was that my husband was okay—alive, but injured. It triggered flashbacks to the devastating day we were told of Callum’s death. My body froze and my fingers grew so numb, I nearly dropped the phone. It took me a few seconds to understand that Bristow was telling me my husband was alive. Relief washed over me, but I later worried his frustration from his temporary disability would erase all the progress he’d made with Ashley. But unlike that time after my brother died, Levi hadn’t withdrawn from us. His orneriness was physical—dizziness and short-term forgetfulness—plus he seemed to enjoy the pampering and the opportunity to spend the downtime with family.
It gave me hope we had resolved our issues, and we could talk. Then came the confusing time when he disappeared to Ukraine to rescue Garrison and Bristow. With no word of warning, he missed his weekend with the girls. Trying to hold it together while trying not to worry the kids should’ve earned me an acting award when my insides were webbed with anxiety. He called the next day, and I was too relieved to be pissed at him. When he returned, everything was fine … at first. But I pulled away from him again before I realized what I was doing.
I thought divorce would make this arrangement less wishy-washy and define our boundaries. He could be free to do what he needed for his job. No expectations. No resentment. Simply living our own lives, stepping up for the girls when the other one was busy. But if I was honest and I dug deep down, the thought of divorce left a bitter taste in my mouth.
“Waffles?” Levi asked me.
“No. I’m good.”
“Can we ask her now?” Whitney was looking at her dad.
“Ask me what?” Hmm, I smell an ambush coming.
“Well,” Ashley huffed, glancing at her father. “Daddy and Gramps said we need a puppy and responsibi-li-ties.”
“That’s right!” Whitney asserted. “And, Mom, we need extra protection when Dad’s not around, right?”
“That’s right, princess,” Levi said and then turned to me as if I was going along with it.
“Hmm.” Looked like I needed a mimosa for the conversation. But since orange juice was the only beverage available, I took my time filling up my glass with it, then took a longer time taking a measured sip before saying, “Having a dog is not as easy as it sounds.”
“We’re ready,” Whit said.
“But who’s going to feed it, walk it, brush it?”
“I can teach them,” Levi said. “And before you balk at the walking, we do have a backyard. We don’t have to get a puppy. Bristow and I looked at the available protection dogs that our friend has. He trains dogs for the DoD. We’re thinking German Shepherd given the temperament of the one he has. Great family dogs, but protective of the little ones. Malinois and Dutchies have too much drive.”
“Visits to the vets? Bathing?”
“I can handle that,” he said again. “Cillian said he’d pitch in too, and I have no shortage of buddies around here who I could count on. But” —he glanced at the girls—“you’ll need to play with him, throw balls for him. Interact with the dog. We have pools at both houses. He should be trained for that too.”
“Yes, Dad.”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Promise?” he pressed. “Because we don’t want to make your mom regret giving her permission.”
“Promise!” Again, their voices rang out in unison.
I loved seeing the excitement on my children’s faces and bringing a dog into the family would certainly help them learn responsibility, but adding that complication while Levi and I were trying to figure out our marriage was awful timing.
“Mama?” Ashley prodded.
“I’m not saying no,” I said before awarding Levi a look full of censure. “But your dad and I have to discuss this first.”
Levi took the hint, his eyes communicating he understood. He addressed our kids. “How about this? When you girls spend the summer with Gramps and Nana, you take over some responsibility for Ruger. See how it feels to take care of a dog? Brush him, feed him, walk him with Cillian.”
“But he’s not a puppy,” Whitney mumbled.
“And all puppies become grown-ups like Ruger,” I reminded my daughter. “They don’t remain all cuteness.”
Lesson number one.
The girls looked at me doubtfully and then turned pleading eyes on their father.
Levi came to my side and put an arm around my shoulder. “Sorry, girls, Mama Bear has spoken and I agree with her.”
Levi used that term when I had the final say about something. I hadn’t heard that endearment in years. Something rolled under my chest. It was the closest joint discussion we’d had as a family.
Whit and Ash looked like they wanted to say more, but Levi must’ve used some secret coding language because they pressed their mouths together and didn’t say another word.
I glanced up at my husband. His eyes gleamed with affection and amusement. Levi James was definitely drawing me back into his web, and, together with these two munchkins added as helpers, I didn’t stand a chance.
They resumed attacking their breakfasts. As soon as they finished, they excused themselves and ran off to the backyard.
Alone with Levi, I helped him clean up. He was an expert when it came to loading the dishwasher. He approached it with mathematical precision in maximizing usable space.
I started rinsing the dishes and handed it to him. “A dog, huh?”
“We talked about it at Cillian’s before I left for this last job. He wants a companion for Ruger, but then the girls mentioned wanting a puppy.”
I shook my head. “And knowing Gramps, he suggested one without thinking of the consequences to the parents.”
“Hey, you need to give Cillian more credit.”
“Levi, I say this with a lot of affection about Gramps, but you know he loves pleasing the girls, sometimes to the detriment of everyone else.”
“I know, babe.” He grinned at me.
“Okay, don’t keep me in suspense. What happened at the station last night?”
Levi shrugged. “They asked me how I knew Tom and asked me point blank if I knew where he was. I said no.”
“Okay, but you stressed how stupid it would be for you to go after him after the fight at the restaurant, right? They agreed.”
His mouth twitched.
“What?” I fumed. “You didn’t go off and tell them you had thoughts of murdering him, right?”
“No, I didn’t.”
I was still far from calm, because now my worry turned to my friend.
“So, do they have any idea who could have done something to him?”
“Several actually, but I found this out after my meet with the detectives. It might be his rival in the security business of the resort hotel or a rival of the resort hotel itself. Bristow is digging into it.”
“Uncle Cesar is a silent partner.” I blew out a breath. Tom did frequent business with my aunt’s husband, Cesar De Lucci, who had a slew of casinos and resort hotels in Vegas.
“Did the detectives still want to talk to me? Do they have this info?”
“No. I don’t want you getting involved. I’ll pass along Cesar’s information. I’ll call him.”
Levi straightened from loading the dishwasher and leaned a hip against the counter. His eyes grew heavy lidded and shivers went through my spine. “Is there something else?”
“I told the detectives that Callum was a common acquaintance between Tom and me. You were more a friend to him than I was, although it seemed he wanted to change that.”
“Not this again,” I groaned.
“But my exact words to the detectives were this: ‘Tom Roth didn’t deserve death by my hands. But make no mistake, I would kill anyone who would hurt you.’”
A growl crept up my throat. “Did you have to add that?”
Levi shrugged. “Can’t help it. I think they need to see I was honest with them about my feelings when it came to you. More believable.”
He had a point.
He cupped my cheek, staring intently into my eyes. “I told them I didn’t kill indiscriminately even in my job. I told them—” He let it hang as though the next words warranted my complete attention. “I don’t know how I’d react if you chose him over me. If he won you fair and square, I had no idea how that would make me feel. I didn’t mention the killing again.”
I exhaled a pent-up breath. “Thank God for that.”
He continued holding my gaze captive. “Would I be willing to lose you to another man without a fight? I don’t think so. I don’t have a lot of quit in me, Kelly, especially when it comes to you.”
Whether it was part threat or part vow, I couldn’t quite describe the feelings those words evoked but it sent a shiver through my body.
He held my eyes for a second longer, as if making sure those words sunk in before taking a step back.
“I don’t want you anywhere near this,” Levi said. “If the detectives don’t need to question you, and just need Cesar’s information, I’ll be the go between.” A corner of his mouth tipped up. “Although, chances are your uncle already knows more about this than we do since his guy didn’t make the meeting with Tom.”
I puffed a short laugh. “Probably.”
“So.” He crossed his arms and glanced out the kitchen window briefly to check on the girls before returning his attention to me. “How about we talk about us?”
I nodded. “Tonight?”
His brows drew together. When he was about to say something, I added, “I still need to do a turnover of the masks I did yesterday.”
“Ah …”
“Hopefully that will be the last reshoot.”
“I’m surprised they didn’t ask you to go up there.”
“I have a capable department. And I accepted this job on the condition I wouldn’t have to leave Los Angeles on short notice.”
“I’m proud of what you’ve accomplished in the past several years, babe. To be able to dictate your terms in a place like Hollywood is huge.”
“I’ve worked with great people.”
His smile held some sadness. “I wish I had been here to witness all those milestones.”
He’d missed one of the award shows where I won best special effects that year.
“There’ll be more,” I said, then laughed. “I hope.”
“Well, I’ll definitely make sure I’m going as your date.” His eyes narrowed. “No more dates with other men for you.”
He started to get worked up again. I could usually tell because a muscle started ticking in his jaw and his eyes turned from warm chocolate to flint.
“Hey, you told me to go on one,” I countered.
“I did not,” he enunciated.
I tapped my lips. “Let me refresh your memory. I told you we need to talk.”
He winced. “Yeah, I said I was short on time.”
I pounced on that admission. “You couldn’t stand to talk two minutes after you dropped off the girls. I know you were pissed at me last Christmas when I took them to spend it with the McGraths, but it was my weekend with them.”
“I thought we were making progress and you pulled that shit,” he retorted.
“I think we should table that discussion for tonight, but I want it out of the way right now that we were both at fault with why I went out with Tom.”
His jaw clenched. “I already apologized for that.”
“Because when I wouldn’t sleep with you when you wanted to scratch an itch—”
“I wish you wouldn’t call it that,” he growled.
“You immediately made it about sex, and I was using sex to force you to discuss our marriage.”
“I thought you were going to ask for a divorce.”
“And what if I was? It was time.”
“You still think that?” he gritted.
I waved an arm. “Tonight, we’ll talk, but for now, let me get this off my chest or it will bug me all day.”
He smirked. “Feeling guilty”
“Levi!”
He held out an arm. “So, speak.”
“You made it about sex. You told me if I went through with the divorce, I wouldn’t find another man who could fuck me like you did.”
His eyes darkened. “That’s the truth—”
“You’re so cocky. But let’s not forget what you said, ‘Have at it and see if you can find a fuck like me.’ and then you left for a three-week mission.”
The silence was louder in our stare-off, but I wasn’t backing down.
Finally, he blinked. “I was an asshole and an idiot.”
“Agreed,” I exhaled an annoyed breath.“But now I feel guilty because I led Tom on.”
“Woman,” he muttered. “You feel guilty about leading another man on, how about your poor husband?”
“Might I remind you Tom is missing?”
“How can I forget? Now that you’re certain I won’t go to prison, all your thoughts are on him.”
“This is not a competition!” I yelled.
The backdoor slammed, and our two munchkins ran back in. We glared at each other.
“Mom, are you hanging with us today?” Whit asked hopefully.
“I need to do some work, but I’ll see you guys tonight.”
“Tonight?”
“Yes. I’ll see if Gramps and Nana can take you, so your dad and I can talk.”
My heart clenched at the hopeful looks our two girls split between us.
I looked at Levi again, and his eyes softened from his sharp stare earlier. He clasped my nape and brought my forehead to his lips, planting a kiss there before another light one on my mouth.
Then he stared into my eyes. “Tonight, babe.”
