IT WAS fun while it lasted.
Three days later, I tipped the rest of my beer back and gestured to Olivia for another. Holden took the bar seat beside me and when she returned, she set both our beers in front of us with a nod.
Tell me you’re ready for this to be over, bookworm.
Don’t call me that.
Holden shifted in his chair. “Do you want to…” He winced. “…talk about it or something?”
It was the first time he had addressed it. I had been crashing on his couch for the past three nights and he hadn’t asked why, hadn’t brought up anything to do with her, and hadn’t told our parents. Each night he sat here beside me at the bar, commenting on whatever game was on.
You teach me to choose myself and now you want me to choose you?
“Nope.”
“Okay.”
We took slugs of our beers in unison.
Olivia set two empty shot glasses in front of us and poured tequila. “For the members of the lonely hearts club.” She slid the shots toward us.
Holden raised an eyebrow. “Where’s yours?”
She frowned. “Shut up. I’m heading back to school next week.”
Holden nodded. “Like clockwork. Can’t risk the two of you being in the same town at the same time.”
Olivia was our next-door neighbor growing up. She and Finn were best friends until they were teenagers. They didn’t speak anymore.
Her hands stilled as she wiped a glass before she resumed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Holden made a derisive noise before we reached for the shots and tipped them back. My throat burned and I washed it down with beer. Out of the corner of my eye, a couple took their seats at the table Hannah and I had sat at after her date with Carter, all those months ago. My chest strained at the memory and I frowned into my beer. That night seemed like years ago and yesterday at the same time.
“Thanks.” I slid the empty shot glass back across the bar.
“He’s doing well,” Holden told her. “He’s running a crew in the Kootenays but they’ve got the worst of the fires under control.”
She shrugged and held her expression neutral, but her face reddened. “Don’t care.” She bee-lined to the other end of the bar.
“Leave them alone.” I stared at the baseball highlights on the TV above the bar.
“They’re being stupid.”
“It’s not our business.” I took another sip of beer.
“It is our business. He’s our brother. Like you and Hannah being stupid is my business.”
I didn’t answer. My gut simmered. My jaw clenched and I gripped my beer harder. “Stay out of it.” My voice was warning. I drained my beer. “I did everything right. I asked her to come with me and she said no.”
He grunted a noise of acknowledgement. I caught Olivia’s eye and pointed to my empty glass. She nodded.
Holden glanced at me. “Final round is tomorrow.”
“Yep.”
Every day this week, I had been competing in heats in the competition. I’d roll off Holden’s couch, grab my board from the shop, wait for my name to be called, and let my body take over from there. There was no focus, no thought involved, just instinct and muscle memory. I had been placing well. Not my best, nothing special and nothing memorable, but well enough to advance to the final round.
There was no joy in it, though. No competitive spark.
“You have a sponsorship in the bag, then.”
I nodded and thanked Olivia as she dropped off another beer.
“You don’t sound too excited.”
I shrugged. “Yep. It’s good. I’m thrilled. This is what I always wanted.” My voice was flat and clipped. I couldn’t even muster the enthusiasm to lie to him.
I downed half the beer. What was the point of even going tomorrow? Maybe I didn’t want to leave Queen’s Cove. Maybe I wanted to stick around. A stupid, hopeful part of my brain said, she’ll come around. Another part of my brain asked, what if she moves on and finds someone perfect for her?
If everything was temporary, then what was even the point of leaving?
Quick flashes of what our life could be played in my head. Hannah and me floating on our boards in South Africa. Hannah and me sitting on the beach on the Gold Coast of Australia. Hannah and me snorkeling in Hawaii.
Hannah and me.
Without her, what was the point? I tried to picture a life without her.
Me sitting alone on my hotel room patio, staring at the water, drinking a beer and thinking about her. Me on a plane, counting clouds out the window, remembering how her hair smelled like tea. Me on my board, watching the sunrise and wondering whether her eyes were more blue or green that day. Wondering whether she missed me like I missed her.
Leaving felt pointless, but staying in Queen’s Cove?
I couldn’t sit at the bar and watch as she smiled at another guy, as he encouraged her to sing karaoke and draped his arm around her and pressed kisses to her temple. I couldn’t watch as she fell in love with someone else. Besides, she’d know. She’d hear if I didn’t show up tomorrow or if I bailed again, and she’d know. There was still a spot in my heart that didn’t want to disappoint her.
No wonder Finn left.
I stared at my beer. I should have told her how I felt sooner. Then she would have had time to come around.
Holden sighed. “Jesus fucking Christ, this is too depressing for even me.”
Olivia and I spoke in unison. “Holden, shut up.”
Two hours later, Holden helped me through the door of his house and onto the couch.
“How long are you going to do this?” he asked, setting a glass of water on the coffee table.
Until my bed stopped smelling like her. Until I didn’t associate my room with her. Until I stopped picturing her in my living room, reading and staring out the window.
“Don’t know.”
He shrugged. “Okay. Goodnight.”
“‘Night.”
He headed off to his room and I stared at the ceiling, my head spinning from the booze. I remembered the soft sighs she made as she rested her head on my chest while she was still sleeping in the morning. The way she blushed and smiled when I kissed her neck. The way she brushed her fingers on my arm when she passed by me, a small touch to connect us for a brief moment.
I thought about my aunts, and how the illness had ripped everything from them. How temporary it was despite their best efforts. My chest ached and I rubbed it. Reminding myself that things with Hannah were temporary was supposed to make this part easier, but it still felt like she had pulled my heart out through my throat.
I should have known better the entire time. Or maybe it was right to let it happen. I didn’t know anymore.
You’re being stupid, Holden had said.
There was one person who had been in this situation before, and I was going to pay her a visit.
