Jay: I’ve never been ready for a relationship. And now that I’m considering one, I wonder if that’s a sign that I am.
Therapist: Is she filling a hole for something else?
Jay: Yes, but she’s not a drug I plan to quit if I start.
Therapist: Then, be sure before you do.
Jay
That one word. I saw how it broke her to admit it.
Even if they weren’t meant to be, even if the guy was a complete asshole who’d hurt her more in the last couple of months than any other individual she’d ever met, I knew how hard it was for my little pebble to admit to what she thought was a failure. She needed to see it would be one of her greatest accomplishments, instead.
I didn’t hesitate any longer. I took her mouth in mine. I should have waited—she needed time to heal—but I realized I’d been waiting since the day I’d met her.
Three years was a long-ass time to wait.
She tasted even better than she had the first time I’d kissed her. This time, she tasted free and right and like the sweet ChapStick she always rubbed on her lips.
We explored each other’s mouths and she gripped my bare shoulders like she was holding on for dear life. I did the same with her waist.
I knew it was life and death for me now. Mikka was my new addiction. One I wasn’t going to get over or give up.
I pulled her shirt from her body. That porcelain skin was my perfection now. I ran my lips along every inch I hadn’t touched before. I worked off her pants and panties before she even considered stopping.
Our stars had finally aligned; the string that tethered us had finally untangled. “Yue Lao did tie you to me,” I murmured into her ear as I carried her to the bed.
She shook her head but brought my lips to hers again. Nothing outside of the room mattered anymore. We tasted each other and explored every sensitive spot between us.
I dragged my hand over her stomach and ran my thumb over her clit. She moaned, as if she’d been waiting for me to do that for as long as I’d wanted to.
“I’m going to have to do this with you every night,” I murmured into her neck. She gasped as I slid two fingers into her. “Are you on birth control?”
She rode my fingers and nodded. I curled them inside her and she arched under me. Her long, silken hair was spread over the pillow as she screamed and threw her head back.
The iron headboard banged against the wall and I smiled down at her, watching her orgasm take over.
My control snapped as I felt her core tighten around my fingers. I slid them out, told her that I was clean, and slid into her in one swift motion.
Our eyes met. Our worlds collided.
If it was an old man on the moon who’d put us together, he’d done it right. The feeling of being in her, having her around me, and being one with her almost did me in with one thrust. My heartbeat was as wild as my need for her.
We moved together, taking each other to a place where no one else would ever go but us. It was our small world in that room and we were on lockdown away from all our problems.
I reached a high I didn’t think existed as I came and she screamed my name.
Afterwards, I wrapped us up in the blanket and we lay there in silence as I held her to me.
When my phone vibrated, Mikka jumped and shot up, a sheet still wrapped around her chest.
I smiled at the look of fear in her eyes, like she was a deer caught in the headlights.
“We’re friends, Jay. This was…oh, Lord. A friends-with-benefits misstep? Neither of us are ready for anything new.”
I turned my mouth down and shrugged a little. “Sure. Nothing new, but you’re not new to me, Pebble.”
“A relationship between us would be new,” she clarified. “We both need to just back off and focus on ourselves, on being healthy.”
“Sex is healthy,” I pushed back, happy to irritate her. I knew this wouldn’t be just sex between us, I knew she was going to be much, much more. “You of all people should know that. I think it even says that on King Chang’s website.”
“Fair.” She narrowed her eyes and slid from the bed to find her clothes. “Sex is healthy. Sex with random people for fun is very healthy when you aren’t healthy enough to commit to someone, which is why going to a festival tomorrow with Brady is a great idea for me.”
It took a minute for her words to sink in. I’m pretty sure that by the time they did, my jaw had dropped. “Are you insinuating that you’re going to go fuck around with some other guy after what we just did?”
She shrugged into her shirt after pulling on her pants and crossed her arms like it would ward me off. “I’m just saying neither of us can commit to anything right now and you’re right: sex is good. It’s a way to release stress. So…”
“So, you’d be fine with me inviting Sandy?” I sat up and threw her game back in her face.
“That would be a great idea.” Her voice was high with her retort.
“Bullshit.”
“Jay, let’s just focus on having fun over the next few days. We’ll help Lorraine make her pies and forget about this, okay?” Suddenly, she looked so tired. I wanted to wrap her up and pull her back into bed with me. She needed to unwind and I knew more than a few ways to get her to do that. “Baby, look at me.”
When she did, her dark eyes held mine with determination in them, but behind it was fatigue. “Yes?”
“We’re not forgetting.”
She sighed and I had to tell myself it was with relief.
“You’re doing great, little one. It’s only been two days since you broke things off with him. Breathe and know it will get better. We’ll get better together.”
“And you know this how?” she whispered.
“Because the first few days without using were the hardest. Then it got better and better. Addictions fight you; they claw at your insecurities. Then they become these rabid, feral, fucking vicious monsters when you try to ignore them. It’s their way of fighting their hardest before they die. If you’re hurting, it’s because your addiction to saving your relationship with him or your addiction to being with him—I’m not sure which—is dying.”
She wrung her hands and then nodded. She made her way out the door, but before she closed it behind her, she turned to say, “It’s the first. It was always the first. I figured that out the second you kissed me. I’ve never felt with him what I do with you.”
She closed the door before I could reply. I started after her but then stopped. We needed the night or a couple to work things out.
I already knew what conclusion she’d drawn.
We were addicts, and addicts didn’t overcome addiction, they just found new ones. If someone could find a new habit, a new healthy obsession, they’d found their way out. There were the thrill seekers who would find a new adrenaline rush: rock climbing or swimming with sharks. There were the holistic ones who obsessed about their new organic lifestyles. There were the ones who even found their niche to be healing. They’d been healed and they could now heal others.
Then, there was me, the one who found myself obsessing about another person.
I didn’t commit to much in my life, especially not women. Mikka, I was going to commit to. She’d always been the one, even when I thought she wasn’t. I wasn’t going to be able to quit her even if I tried.
Since the moment I’d kissed her, she’d intoxicated me. She would be my new addiction, and I was never ever going to rehab for her.
