Thrive: Chapter 6

Mikka

I went back. I’d told myself I wasn’t a victim of abuse, that Dougie just slipped up and we would work it all out. Him and I were so much different than the classic case of domestic violence.

So.

I went back to Dougie.

He’d been the boyfriend I’d had for so long and the man that hadn’t ever hurt me before. I had been convinced that this was going to be the man I would be with forever, the one I wanted to marry and share my life with. We’d even discussed marriage in the past.

To start over, to leave all the effort we’d put in behind wasn’t fathomable to me. It’d been so long since something like this had happened and it only did because I’d confessed to kissing someone else.

I realized I’d broken him; I’d snapped his control and turned him into someone I didn’t recognize. My actions had pushed him over the edge and I wanted to be the person to pull him back. He became the assignment I needed to complete, the test I’d failed but could ace a second time. He was the only wrinkle in my dress. If I could iron this out with him, we wouldn’t crash into a mess together. We’d soar high instead.

Yet, he beat me every couple of days while Jay was in rehab. Our relationship became a rollercoaster of his viciousness and then his complete remorse moments after.

I bought a lot of great makeup in those days to cover up the damage. I definitely would have aced cosmetology school.

I didn’t visit my mother and I didn’t really have any friends but Jay. The other clients that I PA-ed for didn’t look twice.

The agency couldn’t tell. I did my work flawlessly. With Jay missing from the LA scene, the tabloids speculated enough that I had to work tirelessly to keep rumors of his drug addiction at bay. Everyone complimented me on doing a wonderful job and there was even one time when a secretary mentioned that I looked great with my new eyeshadow and a few less pounds. She wanted to know if I’d been working out.

I’d been working on my relationship. That was about it.

When Jay called, I was like a rabid animal who hadn’t been in a warm, safe place in decades. I lunged for my phone. When he said he was ready to come home, to pick him up, I sat in my bathroom and cried.

The agency called soon after. They wanted him to do outpatient therapy in his hometown, Greenville, for another month. It would work perfectly as that’s where they wanted to film the last scenes. Bob mentioned I could go if I wanted to also.

It was a blessing and a curse.

You see, Jay had just conquered his addiction. He’d faced it dead on and won. Now, in order for him to do his very best as an actor, I was supposed to confront Dougie with the idea of spending time in another town halfway across the country for my job.

With the one man Dougie would never trust me with.

I pulled on my best dark jeans, a light cream blouse, and swiped some lip gloss on while I took deep breaths and tried to weigh my options. Dougie and I had to get better. We were trying. He was trying and he’d been so nice the past couple of days. He’d cooked dinner, cleaned dishes, and told me I was the best part of his life.

I didn’t want to risk telling him that I had to pick up Jay, that I might need to go with him to Greenville. Then again, I prided myself on the job I did. It was the part of the job I loved. I’d get to see the last scenes be filmed and I’d get to help keep Jay on track. He needed that. He needed me.

I didn’t know which path to take but I knew I had to keep moving forward. It was the first time I saw failure in my future, one way or the other.

Pulling up to the facility in my white luxury sedan felt different this time. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to face Jay and keep everything together. I was different, changed by my own problems. And I needed to be strong for Jay.

Yet, when he emerged from the facility’s doors, my beige stilettos stayed glued to the floor mats and my hands shook on the steering wheel. He walked out all clean lines, full of confidence, and completely put together. His bright, focused eyes looked aware and his smile was a mile wide. My core ached for him immediately and my body reacted in a way it never should for a friend that could only be just that. A friend.

Not a lover.

I took deep breaths. Then, I popped the trunk and got out to greet him.

His smile dropped the minute he saw me. “Meek?” he whispered.

The nickname from his lips had tears springing into my eyes. I shook my head and held out a hand when he approached me quickly with his suitcase. “Don’t hug me. I’ll just end up a blubbering mess. Let’s get you loaded up and go. We can talk once we’re driving.”

He growled and shoved my hand out of the way to take the hug I was trying to deny him. He breathed in like he was breathing in my smell, my spirit, my soul. “I missed you. Damn, I missed you.”

I nodded and let one sob escape. “I missed you too.”

He smelled like the red lollipops he loved and I imagined he tasted like them too. My body immediately heated and remembered just how much I desired him as I held him close. He felt solid, warm, comfortable, and safe. He felt like a home I’d missed and one I didn’t want to leave for a very long time.

I swiped at my face and pulled back, trying to right my emotions and myself at the same time. His arms rested on my shoulders as I looked up at him, and he assessed me. “Something’s very wrong.”

I cleared my throat. “It was a long two months. Let’s talk in the car.”

He nodded, threw his suitcase in the back.

“I’m driving,” he announced as he rounded the trunk of the car. As I looked at him, I saw his confidence, how he was sure of himself again. The grey braided sweater he was wearing filled out across his expansive chest. He looked more solid, like he’d been working out but also like his body was finally getting used to a steadier lifestyle.

“Why can’t I drive?” I questioned him.

He scanned my face and his lips turned down. “Because you’re a terrible driver. It’s probably because you wear those ridiculous heels and you’ll be even worse when I make you relive whatever hell you’ve been in while I was gone.”

“I wasn’t in hell, I was…”

He cut me off. “Did I ever tell you about my best friend from back home?”

“Aubrey?” I questioned. I knew of her. I knew of her story and the fact that she married his brother. She was a beautiful girl who lost her mother in a house fire her father started. They took her in after her father went to jail and she fell for Jay’s brother. Their story made national headlines. “I know some of it from the news. It’s my job to pry into your life a bit.”

That was the truth, but I tried not to pry more than I needed. The balance we had between friends and coworkers was fragile. Most actors I represented didn’t want to feel like I was controlling them based on their history or what I’d found out about them. My friendship with Jay stemmed from an organic trust. I tried to wait for him to tell me some things.

I knew he was close with Aubrey. I also knew he’d adamantly denied having the intimate relationship with her that tabloids wrote about. According to him, she was like a sister and definitely a best friend.

Jay motioned for me to get in, and I glanced back at his rehab center before I did. “This it for you?”

“That’s it. I won’t be back.” His words held so much finality and his vibrant blue eyes held so much determination that I believed him.

“Let’s go then.” I folded into the leather seat and closed the door. He put the car in drive and peeled out of the circular driveway much faster than I ever would have.

I grabbed the dash and yelped. “What are you doing?”

“I haven’t driven in a month.” He winked at me with a lopsided smirk on his face. “I need to let loose a little, Meek.”

“Oh my God. You know how much the fountain probably costs and the brick paving? Calm down before you crash and cost us a fortune.”

He laughed and settled in as we traveled down the drive and wound round the hills back into the city. We enjoyed the silence and the breeze as he rolled down the windows. “I feel free,” he mumbled.

“I’m happy you do,” I replied and meant it.

“I want you to feel that way too.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked as I looked out the window, away from him, away from the truth he was about to put on me.

“You have the same look in your eye as Aubrey did the first time I saw her after her father beat her mother senseless. I didn’t know it then but I knew something was wrong. I’ll never forget that look, Meek. She looked trapped.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Little one, what cage are you locked up in?”

I set my chin in my hand and rested my elbow on the door. I didn’t look at him. “It’s just been a tough couple of months, Jay. I’ll get through it.”

“Okay.” His hand went to my thigh and squeezed it. “I’ll find the key and get you out even if you can’t talk about it.”

“Jay, I promise it’s nothing.”

He shook his head. “How’s Dougie? He a part of this?” He asked the question not one person had asked me in the past sixty days. No one would have ever guessed Dougie was hurting me. He was too reserved, too docile, too much of a pushover. But I hid our defects well. I hid my failures even better, and my relationship was shaping up to be one of those.

“Of course not, Jay. Are you kidding?” The laugh that came from me sounded mechanical, high, and wrong.

He drove in silence for so long before answering me, I finally glanced at him. He was white-knuckling the wheel, jaw locked in place and brow furrowed.

“I’ll ask you one more time, and for the sake of our friendship, Meek, don’t lie to me. I’m not in a place where I can take liars. Is it Dougie?”

“A part of it’s him and a part of it’s me, Jay. Like I said, we’ve had a tough time.”

“Are you coming with me to Greenville?”

I sighed. His question was a bigger one than just a trip. “How do you expect me to explain that to Dougie?”

“It’s what you do. You PA for me.” Jay said it like there wasn’t an argument to be had. Yet, Dougie never would allow me to be gone for a month with Jay, not after what had happened. My mind started to concoct excuses for him, because he was right. I had cheated, I had broken our trust, I had jeopardized our family and the job that put the food on the table every night.

“I want to go, Jay. I do. I want to be there for you and I get this movie is big and that you need a PA there. I’m just trying…” I took a breath and combed my fingers through my hair. “I’m trying to figure out what’s best.”

He didn’t hesitate. “It’s best for you to come.”

“I know Bob mentioned I could go but a whole month isn’t necessary. Maybe in a week, I could meet you out there to check on you.”

“Maybe now, we drive to your house, pack your shit, and you come. Tell Dougie it’s for the job.”

We got to a red light and Jay glanced at my hands. I was picking at my nails, a habit I had to stop. I folded them together. “It’s just that I have a lot of other obligations. You aren’t the only actor I represent and PA for, Jay.”

My tone was chastising and he let it go, or at least I thought he did until he hit a few buttons on his phone screen. Our secretary’s voice came over his cell’s speaker. “Empire Talent. How can I help you?”

“It’s Jay Stonewood. Is Bob at his desk?”

“Oh, sure. One moment.”

I whisper-yelled at him, “What are you doing, Jay?”

He shined his smile on me, the one that melted women’s hearts around the world. “Seeing if they can spare my agent for a month.”

“Don’t you dare, Jay. I am not…”

“Jay!” Bob bellowed into the phone. “How are you? You with Mikka? She pick you up?”

“Yep. We’re both here, just driving back and I’m feeling good in the LA air, Bob.”

He harrumphed. “You know you got to get back to that hometown of yours for just a month, son. Just give us a clean bill until the film crew gets there in a few weeks. This damn movie is going to be it. I can feel it.”

“I feel it too.” He nodded like there wasn’t a hint of a doubt there. I wanted that for him, wanted him to make the movie only he had the acting ability to accomplish. Jay felt people; he was them, their pain, their joy, their love. I was convinced that part of his indulgence in drugs was for that reason, whether he knew it or not. He had this gift of seeing into someone’s soul and holding their hand through their turmoil. It made him a brilliant actor, but it was also a large burden to carry.

“So, I need Mikka to come back with me.” Jay dove into asking for the impossible. He was my biggest actor but I had others, two of which were handling movie deals right now. There was no way I should leave.

“Yes, I told her she should go.” I rolled my eyes because he had said I could go which was much different. “We got you there for a month at that bed and breakfast you mentioned. I booked her the only other room there.” He grumbled like he was looking it all up.

“Bob, I have numerous movie deals.” I protested.

“No worries, Mikka. We’ll get those taken care of. Jay needs twenty-four-hour care and attention.”

Jay belly-laughed in silence next to me. I smacked his chest. He carried on the ridiculousness with Bob. “Yep. You hear that Meek? Twenty-four hours, seven days a week.”

I rolled my eyes. As we neared my apartment, though, his joking felt less and less light, his presence weighed more heavily on my mind, our situation seemed more and more dangerous.

“Right.” I cleared my throat. “Bob, I’ll have to discuss this with my family and iron out details for our agency before I commit. If you could give me a couple days—”

“We’re on the way to her house to get her packed right now, Bob. She can fly out with me?” Jay cut me off.

“Sure thing. We’ll get her a plane ticket. Guillermo wants someone keeping tabs on you anyway. I’d rather Mikka be there for all that. You agreed to drug tests and I think that’s best. You know, just to make Guillermo happy.”

My questioning gaze shot to Jay’s. This was the first time I’d heard of drug testing. “I’m sorry, Bob. I didn’t agree to—”

“I have another call coming in.” Bob’s voice bellowed over mine. “I’m looking forward to seeing your progress in the next month, Jay. I’ll have other script details sent over.”

The phone screen lit up with the “call ended” sign.

Jay turned down another road, and I realized we were only five minutes from my building. I had to shut down this idea and keep my home life separate from him, from everyone.

“I can’t go anywhere. I can’t just uproot my life for a month. I have priorities.”

“We just got rid of those priorities,” he said with no emotion in his voice now.

“My mother is in San Francisco; she could need me.”

“She doesn’t ever need you. She’s as fierce as you, woman. And you barely visit her. She’s fine. You and I both know it.”

“Well, I . . .” I stuttered. “Dougie needs me too.”

“Does he, though, or does he need a punching bag?” His question was without emotion but so cold I felt the degrees within my car lowering.

I reared back and glared at him. “What are you insinuating?”

“Something’s wrong, Meek. I don’t know what, but I know you don’t look like you do without something being very, very wrong.”

“Look like what?”

“You’re a shell of yourself.” He stared ahead as he turned on his signal to veer onto the road of my apartment building.

“I told you it’s just been hard. Dougie and I have had some disagreements but nothing of that sort.”

“Really?” he ground out.

“Really.” I folded my arms over my cream blouse as if to shield his eyes from the bruises I knew were under it.

“That’s two times you’ve lied to me on this drive, woman. I promise you I’ll break that new habit as quickly as possible. I’m starting with getting you out of this fucking mess of a relationship.” His jaw ticked. “A long time ago, I made the mistake of ignoring the signs with Brey. I won’t do that with you.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” I whispered.

“Three lies, Meek!” he yelled and I jerked back. He saw it, my recoil, the one my body automatically made now. I was ashamed when he winced at the movement I couldn’t suppress. “Not me, little one. Don’t be afraid of me.” His voice was pleading, full of the pain I knew he felt more than most. “You’re done with him, with this bullshit of being scared. We end this now, even if that means we drag you kicking and screaming to Greenville with me. I got a drug problem and it seems you have a habit you can’t quit either. I’m happy to remedy one of those issues now. You coming up to your apartment with me or not?”

His hand was on his door handle, poised and ready. What could I say to make this go away? How could I get the truth I wanted so badly to hide out of his head?

He cocked a brow at me. “Either way, I’m going, Meek.”

“Just…” My heart raced, galloping toward an outcome that felt out of control. We were going down the hill toward chaos so fast, I was sure a wheel would fly off and send us careening into destruction. And I couldn’t stop it. I’d lost the reins and couldn’t scramble fast enough to pick them back up.

I could lie. I could keep trying to get around the truth.

I saw his rage as I sat in silence, though. Jay’s was different. He didn’t show it on the surface. It didn’t fill his face with red blotches and tighten all of his muscles. He didn’t look ready to burst and take his anger out on me. Jay held himself steady, quiet, filled with a confidence that he knew he could control the emotion even if he was feeling it more than anyone else. He’d never lashed out, never wavered from his fun-loving personality even in his blackout moments where drugs stole his conscious decision-making skills.

When I looked back at Dougie, I saw the signs. I knew them all perfectly now. I sat there disappointed in myself night after night when I combed through all the clues like Carmen San Diego. I’d had a 98% average in my Psychology class where we discussed signs of abusive tendencies and still, I’d missed every single one.

“I just need a minute.” I sighed and closed my eyes, willing my emotions to stay locked up. “I need probably a year but just give me at least a minute.”

He put his head to the steering wheel. “Damn, I didn’t want to be right but I am, aren’t I?”

I didn’t answer him.

He knew the answer.

I took a deep breath. “I’m going to go get my stuff. I can do that discreetly. If you come up, it’ll be hell.”

“I’m not letting you go in there alone.”

“I’ve been alone with him for years, Jay.”

“Has he been…” He took a breath. “When did it start?”

“That’s not relevant.” I didn’t want to explain that our kiss was a sort of tipping point. We were both broken, and shattering those pieces further wasn’t worth the pain for either of us.

“Fine,” he grumbled as we parked on the road under a palm tree right outside my building. “I’m trying hard not to push you.”

“Weird. Feels like pushing when I have to join you on a plane in two hours and I’m getting no time on my own.”

“Little one, I don’t regret this for a second. If you think I feel guilty, I don’t. I expect you to push me just as hard on random drug tests and keeping my ass in line. You going up or not?”

I picked at a speck of lint that was on my jeans. “Let me talk, okay? I’ll deal with him.”

Jay pulled at the door handle and shoved it out harder than necessary without answering me.

“Jay, you have a reputation to uphold, remember that.” I scurried out of the vehicle after him. “Jesus. Can we put the brakes on this? You just got out of rehab!”

My hand flew over my mouth and I glanced around before I took in the man in front of me, frozen in place. Then he laughed, laughed at my stupidity, at the fact that I could have potentially delivered a crushing blow to his career.

He crossed a foot over the other before he did a slow spin on the sidewalk. He looked like perfection, plain and simple. His longer dark hair had grown in rehab; the extra wave to it now just added to his appeal. His stark blue eyes sparkled brighter contrasting the dullness of his grey sweater.

“Yup, I’m out and I’m healthier than ever, Meek. Not that I wasn’t healthy enough to kick his ass before this.”

With that, he turned away from me and stalked toward my building.