My ears buzz as I slowly open my eyes.
The first thing I see is a beautiful woman. Her hair cascades on either side of her face, the blonde strands camouflaging her expression.
The angel who came to visit me in my last moments…only, were they my last moments?
She’s diligently wiping my chest, her expression solemn and her brows concentrated as if she’s in the middle of the most important task of her life. I don’t dare disturb her, because all I want to do is to look at her—really look at her, and engrave this view and her to memory, and keep her there.
With me.
At that moment when I thought everything would be over, the thing I thought about wasn’t my mission or the people whose hearts I couldn’t rip out with my bare hands. The only thing that came to mind was this beautiful spitfire of a woman who was finally opening up to me after hating me for years—or maybe I told myself she was opening up.
I thought about how she would be all alone again, how she would become closed off and would beat the world out of her inner circle.
And I didn’t like that. I don’t like that. She would be all alone in the world without me, without anyone to hold on to.
Deep down, I already promised myself I would protect her. I already took that vow saying she would be the only person I’d make an exception for.
The only person who would be mine.
It takes superhuman energy for me to move my arm. My hand grasps her strands, and I take them between my fingers, caressing the golden hair.
Rai jerks her head upright and stares at me with those blue eyes I never once forgot about, those eyes that sometimes visited me in my sleep and forced me to wake up in a cold sweat. Why do these eyes have a hold on me when my only purpose in life is to destroy everything she stands for?
But it doesn’t matter how much I hate what she stands for. I’ve never hated her. She’s the only one I’ve ever allowed this close.
Her lips part, and soon enough, she stares at me with that wretched expression. Then, slowly, too slowly, her mouth opens, and she smiles at me as if she’s seeing me for the first time.
I guess this is the type of reaction I wanted when I came back, but she wanted to have me punished. She wanted me killed. Now she’s smiling because I woke up.
This woman is a paradox.
“You’re awake.”
I nod, and the simple motion holds me hostage. Pain explodes in my chest and spreads all over my body.
“How are you feeling? Should I get the doctor?”
“No,” I say in a voice so hoarse I doubt she heard the word. “I’ll survive.”
“Don’t you ever, and I mean ever, do that again!” Mixed emotions are evident in her voice: relief, desperation, but most of all, she appears to be on the verge of a meltown.
“Do what?”
“Why the hell did you run in front of Sergei that way?”
“Because you were going to do it. You were running to use yourself as a fucking body shield. Did you expect me to let you sacrifice yourself?”
“That’s my duty as part of the brotherhood.”
“It is not your duty to get yourself killed.”
“And it’s not your duty, either. Since when do you give a fuck about Sergei?”
“I don’t. The only one I ever gave a fuck about is you.”
Her lips part and I expect her to say something, to shoot back a retort, as usual, but she continues wiping my chest. Her expression is solemn, and I can see the tears that are gathered in her eyes.
“I thought you left again.” Her hand continues wiping my arms, my hands, and even my biceps. While her touch is gentle, the expression on her face is anything but. “I thought I lost you and you would never come back.”
“Did you really think it would be so easy for me to leave? After all, I still haven’t put a baby in you. Not officially, at least.”
“Shut up, asshole.”
“I see your tongue hasn’t changed, so you can’t be that worried. I’m wounded.”
“Stop joking around!” Her chin trembles. “You have no idea what I’ve been through. You had a fever last night, and I couldn’t sleep a wink in case I needed to stop it from going up.”
“Sorry.”
She wipes her face with the backs of her hands. “Just focus on getting better.”
We remain silent for a bit as I drink in her presence. Who knew having her by my side this way would feel so fulfilling?
“What happened last night?” I ask.
“I don’t know. We were attacked by armed men. Adrian and Vlad think it was the Irish, but I’m not sure. They didn’t look Irish.”
“And how do you know what the Irish look like? Did you hear them talk?”
“No, but the Irish aren’t stupid enough to attack the Pakhan’s house. That’s like a direct declaration of war, and they wouldn’t do it.”
“Maybe they didn’t do that in the past, but now they’ve changed their minds.”
She shrugs, neither denying nor confirming that option. I opt to not push the idea because it will appear suspicious. It’s the only time I’m glad most of the other men don’t take Rai’s words seriously. They can’t suspect that it’s not the Irish.
“Either way…” Rai continues wiping my skin as she speaks. “Sergei told Damien to prepare for battle. I bet he’s the most ecstatic about this turn of events. You know how he gets when it comes to the word ‘war’.”
“What is your role in all of this?”
“I’m just financing for now. I can’t fully participate.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m taking care of you, genius.”
“You don’t have to take care of me. I have that guard, Peter. Where is the useless kid, anyway?”
“No.” Her tone brooks no argument as her determined eyes swing back to mine. “I will be the one who takes care of you.”
“Do you really want to?”
“I’m your wife. It’s my duty.”
“I didn’t think you took our vows so seriously. Speaking of which, there’s that part that says to love and to cherish.”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself.”
“Well, at least I tried.”
There are still tears in her eyes, and I don’t like it. I don’t like that those beautiful blues are marred with something as painful as tears, because I know Rai’s not the type who would show her emotions to the outside world this easily. She’s not the type who cries just because she feels pain. If anything, she’s the type who would hide her weaknesses with all her might. So the fact that she can’t right now, means those emotions are too strong for her to control.
“I’m in pain,” I murmur.
Her head snaps up from her task and she checks my wound, then my face. “What? What is it? Is there anything I can do?”
I extend my arm on my non-injured side and point at it with my head. “Come here.”
“No. You’re wounded.”
“Come here, Rai.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you close.”
“Why do you want me close?” Her voice is small, as if she doesn’t know how to ask that question.
“Because at the moment when I thought it was the end, that’s the only thing I wanted.”
She doesn’t release the wet cloth as she slowly climbs into my side, carefully trying not to disturb my injury.
Her head lies on my bicep and she watches my face with her hand slung around my abdomen.
For a moment, she stares at me and I stare back. Tear streaks break the layers of her makeup, and she’s still last night’s dress. She really didn’t have the time to leave me if she’s wearing clothes from last night.
“What are you thinking about?” I ask.
“You have another gunshot mark on your shoulder.”
“Have you been touching me inappropriately, Princess?” I tease.
Her cheeks gain a red hue, but she stands her ground. “What are you talking about? I’m your wife—I can’t touch you inappropriately.”
I like how she calls herself my wife. I like how she’s finally coming to terms with that fact.
“I was shot at.”
“You’re lucky to have survived two shots.”
“It’s probably because I had you this time, and that’s why I escaped the afterlife.”
“Stop joking around about death. You were almost gone.”
“I’m right here.”
Her breathing, which was hitched a few seconds ago, returns to normal as she strokes my abdomen. Then, her fingertips slide up my chest to the mark of the gunshot. “What happened?”
I can’t tell her the truth because that will reveal who I really am, but I can at least show her the side of me she has never seen before. It’s so selfish of me to try to keep her close when I know her stance on what I have in mind.
“A long time ago, I was with my friends.”
“Friends?”
“They weren’t exactly my friends, but my colleagues from the assassination organization. In a way, they were like a family to me. It’s somewhat like the brotherhood, only we barely had any loyalty to each other. We just co-existed. The head of the family, whom I considered my godfather, was slipping away from me.”
“Godfather? Is he from the mafia?”
“Sort of. I wouldn’t consider him part of the mafia, but the concept is close enough.”
“Then, what happened?”
“Some rivals in the territory we ruled in London wanted my godfather dead. Of course, I couldn’t allow that to happen, so I took it upon myself to draw out the culprit.”
“That’s how you got shot?”
“That’s how I got myself shot.” Or close enough, anyway. She doesn’t need to know about the details.
“What is the difference between getting yourself shot and being shot?” Her question takes me by surprise. She really focuses on the details others wouldn’t even pay attention to.
“Getting oneself shot means I brought it upon myself.”
“What did you do?”
“I was overprotective of my godfather.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Sometimes, yes, but that’s how I was able to learn that I shouldn’t be overprotective about anyone. Because in the end, they have their own life, and I have mine.”
“I don’t think that’s true. I don’t think protecting people makes you a bad person or someone who shouldn’t be trusted. I think it takes a lot of courage to not only protect oneself, but everyone else around you.”
“Believe me, Princess, that wasn’t my intention, but if you take it that way, I won’t mind.”
“Didn’t you just say you were being overprotective?”
“Yeah, but not of everyone around me. We don’t do that where we came from. Not like you do.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you make sure your family is well taken care of.”
“It’s my duty.”
“Using yourself as a fucking body shield in front of Sergei isn’t duty—it’s reckless.”
She stares at me for a beat, then sighs. “I had to. That’s the only way my family could survive. If Sergei dies, both Anastasia and I are fucked.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, we are. Don’t you see how the others are plotting against me? Mikhail will have my head on a platter the moment Sergei dies, and have you seen that fox Kirill? He has something up his prim-and-proper sleeve, too.”
“Neither of them will hurt you.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you have me now. There is no way in hell you’ll be hurt under my watch.”
She’s silent for a second, and I think she’s falling asleep. But then her words fill the silence. “Why did you leave?”
It’s the first time she’s spoken to me with that vulnerable voice outside of sex. It’s not only due to the question, but also about how she felt when it happened back then.
I consider my options and what to tell her without pushing her away. I’m enjoying having her around me so much right now. Or any time, basically.
“I was on a mission,” I say.
“What type of mission?”
“The type you shouldn’t know about for your own safety.”
“You left me, Kyle. I have the right to know why.”
“What do you mean I left you? We weren’t in a relationship back then. We weren’t sexual, or anything.”
“You were the closest guard I had, and you were the only one I ever allowed to know about my twin sister. You were the only one I shared my past with. And yet you just up and left as if nothing happened, as if we didn’t have those things together.”
“You told me you didn’t need me, Rai. After we saved Reina, you stood in front of me and said you were your own person and didn’t need someone to do things for you. You said those words, so don’t sit here and pretend as if you begged me to stay.”
“Begged you? Do you realize how that sounds? You know me, Kyle, or at least you did back then. Did you really think someone like me would ever beg? I’d just lost my grandpa back then, my only anchor, and the only person I needed by my side fucking left.”
“I didn’t know. I don’t exactly have the capacity to read your mind.”
“So you decided to leave as if nothing happened?”
“I told you I was on a mission.”
“What type of mission? And don’t tell me I shouldn’t know for my safety. We’re already married. There’s no wall that exists between us.”
Yes, there is, and she’s the one who has been building it since the beginning. I’m no better myself considering everything I’m hiding, but the barrier does exist, and all I want to do is to fucking eradicate it.
“The mission was for that organization I told you about. I had to go back to England.”
“And that made you unable to answer my calls or send me a text to let me know?”
“Yes.”
“But why, Kyle? Just why the hell did you erase yourself from my life that abruptly?”
“Because that’s what I do. I disappear. I couldn’t stay in touch because that would’ve made me want to come back, and that was out of the question.”
“You just wanted to leave.”
“Yes.” And I didn’t want to think about you. “You’d already chosen your life path, and I didn’t have a place in it.”
“Idiot,” she mutters.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“You don’t need to know for your own safety.” She repeats my words from earlier in a mocking tone.
“You never give up, do you?”
“No, and if you leave without notice again, it won’t be pretty.”
I brush my lips over her forehead as my form of an answer.
We remain like that until exhaustion takes its toll on her and she falls asleep. As soon as she does, I reach for my phone and unlock it. I have several messages.
One of them is more important than the others.
Flame: The attack tonight went smoothly.
Fucker. Of course it did.
Shouldn’t it be ironic that I’m shot by an attack I initiated?
I type.
Kyle: Were there any casualties from our side?
Flame: None aside from your embarrassing shot.
Kyle: It was part of the plan.
Flame: Bullshit.
Kyle: Why the fuck did one of us take aim at Sergei?
Flame: You said to hurt them enough to start a war.
Kyle: If Sergei is gone, who the fuck would start that war, genius?
Flame: All the others. Genius.
Kyle: Don’t take aim at Sergei without telling me first.
Flame: Yawn.
Bloody arsehole.
Kyle: How is it with the Irish?
Flame: They’re trembling in fear.
As they should. Because while the Russians were holding back before now, they will never allow one of their own to be shot and stay quiet about it.
That in itself is worth being shot for. Not only that, Sergei will also have his full trust in me, and everyone will respect me for protecting their boss.
I will use all those privileges to my own advantage.
Flame: Oh, and Ghost knows you were shot.
The phone nearly slips from my fingers as I read and reread Flame’s text. I’m not imagining things. He just said my godfather knows.
Kyle: Why did you tell him?
Flame: Passing conversation.
Kyle: Bollocks.
He doesn’t do anything without a prior plan, and the reason he told Godfather isn’t a coincidence, either.
Flame: He asked me about you.
Godfather asked about me? But why? When we parted ways ten years ago, he made it clear that he didn’t want to see my face again.
Kyle: And?
Flame: And what?
Kyle: And what did he say?
Flame: Nothing. You know he’s a man of few words.
The hope that rose in my chest from earlier withers away and perishes. Of course he would say nothing after that betrayal.
Shaking my head internally, I get myself back in the game.
Kyle: Keep me updated about your side, and next time, kill one of the Russian leaders.
If one of them is gone, the war will be stronger and more furious.
The only miscalculation in my plan is this woman who has her hand wrapped around my waist as if she doesn’t want to let me go. This woman is my only loose end, but I will find a way, and I will get her where she belongs.
Right next to me.
“Sleep,” I whisper. “Your life will never be the same in the near future.”
