AGE FIVE
Tender hands stroke my shoulder, and the scent of milk and honey infiltrates my nostrils.
It’s nice. Like summer and playing by the pool.
My eyes slowly open, and for a moment, I think I’m seeing an angel with its white halo and soft touch.
It’s not any angel, though. It’s my angel, specially made for me so the other kids can’t see her.
My mam.
My lips pull up in a smile, but for the first time since she became my angel, she doesn’t return it. Her brows are drawn over darkened eyes and her pale lips are thinned in a line.
“We need to go, sweetheart.”
“But it’s night. Ye said bad kids go out at night, Ma.”
“Aye, but not this time.” She strokes my long hair behind my ear. “Follow me.”
I don’t. I just stare at her. Her clothes are wrong ’cause she’s not wearing one of her beautiful floral dresses. This time, she’s in black trousers and a jacket. It doesn’t look good, even though she is the prettiest ever. She has soft skin like a baby and cotton candy. Her hair is like the sun on a hot summer’s day. Sometimes, I think my mammy came from the sun just to be with me.
No one can escape the burning sun, aye? But Mammy did just so she could be with me every day.
It’s not fun here ’cause I was born in a palace. Naw, it’s not like the palaces from the wee stories Mammy tells me every night. It’s a real one, pure huge one with many men dressed in black and holding heavy metal things.
They keep watching me and Ma ’cause Da wants it. He a big man, my daddy. He a leader, too, and no one raises their voice when he’s there.
Mammy doesn’t play with me either when he’s around. The men in black say I have a duty and can’t play ’cause playing is for losers. I mean, what is duty? It’s not food, ’cause our chef doesn’t cook it for us. Is it like the place we went to in Ireland? People were so mean to Mammy there. I don’t like them.
I only like Mammy ’cause she plays with me in secret and has even built a wee tent where she can teach me and tell me stories about wizards and magical ogres. I love ’em, ogres—they’re massive and no one can beat ’em.
When I grow up, I’m gonna be an ogre to protect my mammy from them daft men in black suits.
“Come on, Kyle. Be a good boy.” Her voice and lips shake. The veins are visible under her skin even in the small light from my side table’s lamp. When I asked her if she has transparent skin, she laughed.
Mammy has the best laugh ever, like them wee sounds from Daddy’s music CDs. It’s Mammy’s laugh that I think of when he’s yelling at me because I’m being a brat. He doesn’t like that I don’t stay with the teachers he brings me. They’re daft and scowl like the guards.
Mammy is smarter, anyway. I like spending time with her and eating all the delicious food she makes me—especially tarts and pancakes.
“Where are we going?”
“Ye don’t need to know.” She shoves some of my clothes in a bag that she brought with her. “Hop on.”
“Mammy…?” I ask, my voice spooked like the little elves from last night’s book. She sounds like ’em men in black suits.
She snatches my coat from behind my room’s door and makes me wear it, then grabs and holds me.
It’s the first time she’s not soft and welcoming. It’s like she’s becoming just like Daddy.
“M-Mammy…I’m scared.”
“Don’t be, sweetheart. It’s going to be okay.”
“Really?”
“Really. We’re just going for a wee ride, won’t ye like it?”
“But I’m sleepy.”
“You can sleep in the car.”
“Are we gonna come back in the morning?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Sweetheart, would ye like it if we lived far away from here and all those bad men in black suits?”
“Yup!”
“Mammy is gonna make it happen. We’ll live far away in a new home.”
My eyes nearly pop out. “A new home?”
“Aye. Wouldn’t ye like that?”
“But what about Daddy?”
Her gaze trails to the door, then back to me. “Don’t worry about him. It’s going to be ye and me.”
“Because ye’re a wizard and I’m an ogre?”
“Exactly.” She ruffles my hair. “Now, I need ye to be silent, sweetheart.”
“Why?”
“Because we don’t want them to stop us.”
“Are the men in black gonna tell Daddy and he’s gonna get mad and punish us?”
“Aye. You’re such a smart boy, Kyle. I knew my baby boy would be this bright.”
“Don’t worry, Mammy. I’ll protect ye and punch anyone who comes near ye. Look, I’m gonna have ogre hands.” I raise my fists in the air and she laughs, the sound happy.
After she places my feet in warm shoes, Mammy puts the backpack on and holds me, telling me to wrap my legs around her waist.
“Don’t ever let me go, Kyle. Okay?”
“Okay.”
She steps out of my room, placing a hand on my head. Our house is proper massive. It’s on a hill and has so much water surrounding it that the waves hit the rocks all the time.
I told Daddy it looks like a fight, but he said it’s a war and if I want to win it, I need to follow his steps.
We walk for a long time through hallways I’ve never been down before, ’cause I’m still a kid and Daddy doesn’t like it when I go to his office.
Mammy only has the backpack on her back. I think we’re not gonna stay long in the new home ’cause Daddy will be mad and then Mammy will be sad.
I rest my head on her shoulder and breathe in the smell of milk and honey. It’s my favorite scent ever ’cause it means everything will be okay. Then I pat her back ’cause she’s shaking. I wanna ask her if she’s cold, but she said to be silent.
So I pull back and smile at her. Her face is pale and her eyes have red lines in ’em, but she smiles back like the angels from the painting in Daddy’s office.
When I asked her what angels do, Mammy said they’re pure, bring light, and help children like me grow up. That’s why Mammy was made for me. She’s the angel who will help me grow up, and then I’m gonna be the ogre who protects her ’cause ogres are stronger than angels, even if they smell sometimes.
Mammy stops near a door, peeks outside, then holds me tighter as she walks slowly, her back to the wall until we reach our garden. It’s massive as well with long fences and wires. They appear like the devil’s horns from the creepy show Uncle was watching while I spied from afar.
She stops beside a wire and pulls out her phone from her trousers, then puts it to her ear. Her foot taps rapidly on the ground as she listens through the phone.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Her hold around me tightens the more she focuses on the phone, then she puts her thumb in her mouth, chewing on her nails. Daddy doesn’t like it when she does that.
“Pick up…pick up…” she murmurs. “Bleeding hell.”
“Mammy, isn’t that a bad word?”
“Shh, Kyle.”
“But ye said it was bad.”
“I’m sorry, baby boy, I shouldn’t have said that.” She smiles. “Mammy is just a little excited. Forgive me, okay?”
“Okay. I won’t repeat it in front of Daddy.”
“Good boy.”
“What are we doing in the garden, Mammy?”
“I’m waiting for a friend to come to pick us up.”
“You have a friend?”
“Aye.” Something weird passes in her eyes. “He’s an old friend. I think ye’ll like him.”
“Why haven’t I seen him before?”
“Because I knew him before ye were born, baby boy.”
“Am I going to meet him now?”
“Hopefully.”
“Is he going to play wizards and ogres with us?”
“We’ll try to invite him.”
A soft sound comes from behind us. It’s as quiet as a bird landing on a dead leaf, but Mammy freezes and places a finger on my mouth.
I stay silent. I don’t mind staying here, but if Mammy is leaving, I want to go with her too.
“All clear,” a man says in a rough, harsh way. I think it’s Luke, Daddy’s best man in black. He came all the way from Ireland.
Daddy is the big boss man from Ireland, too. I had fun when we went there months ago, but I don’t think Mammy did.
She told me she’s from Northern Ireland and Daddy is from Dublin. Apparently, Northern Ireland and Ireland are different countries, but they speak similarly. Not too similar, though, because Daddy hates it when I speak like Mammy. But I like how Mammy talks; it’s how angels speak. Daddy knows nothing.
Luke and his voice disappear, but she continues holding my mouth for a long time before she releases a breath.
She then puts the phone to her ear again. “Come on…come on.” Her eyes light up even in the dark. “Oh, thank God. Where are you? Yes, I’m at the back gate. I already disconnected the cameras, and it won’t be long before someone finds out. I have mere minutes. Kyle is with me.”
She listens for a little, then she trembles like a child in the cold. I stroke her cheek with my tiny fingers to make her feel warmer like she does to me.
Mammy is too focused on the phone as she whispers, “He knows. It won’t be long before he kills us.”
Her lips pale as she listens a wee more. I hate the one she’s speaking to because he’s making Mammy unhappy. I’m gonna punch him.
“What do you mean you’re attacking? That’s not what you promised. You said ye’ll help me get out of here. I need to leave. Ireland and the States aren’t safe for us anymore, and…”
She trails off when loud bangs erupt in the house.
Pop. Pop. Pop.
I flinch in her arms and Mammy holds me close, tears streaming down her cheeks as she speaks to the bad man on the phone. “I trusted ye, a Russian, over my own countrymen—how can ye do this to me?”
She doesn’t wait for a response as she shoves the phone in her pocket and runs. The pops are getting closer, like in the stories she told me while doing the sound effects.
Even though she’s trembling, she doesn’t stop until she reaches a small wall with no wires on top. She grabs my hands and winds them around her neck. “Hold on tight and don’t let go, Kyle.”
“Okay.”
She pushes my hair out of my face and smiles, but it’s filled with tears. “Ye’re such a good boy, sweetheart. Ye shouldn’t have been born into this world. I shouldn’t have brought ye into this chaos. Mammy is so sorry, but I’ll make it better.”
Mammy starts to climb the wall while I’m wrapped around her.
“Where do ye think ye’re going, Amy?”
Mammy gasps.
My head slowly follows the voice to stare at Daddy. His dark eyes shine in the night and blood trails down his knuckles ’cause he likes to punch people.
He looks like one of the angry men in that painting with angels.
Mammy hops down and holds me hard as she faces him. “Just let us go, Niall.”
“Let ya go where?”
I try to look at him, but she wraps a hand around my head to stop me, pushing my nose and mouth against her shoulder.
“Ye already know.”
“Already know what?”
“I just want to leave. We’re not safe!”
“Not safe? I gave ye everything. Everything. Ye were a nobody and I made something out of ye, and this is how ye repay me? Guess no one can change a whore, can they?”
“Don’t say those words in front of Kyle,” she whispers. “At least respect me in front of him.”
“Did ye respect me? Did ye fucking think of me?” he roars. “Take him, Luke.”
“Nooo,” Mammy shrieks as Luke snatches me from her.
I try to hold on to her with all my might, but Luke wrenches me with steel-like arms. Her hits and shrieks fall on deaf ears. I try to bite him, but he doesn’t even wince in pain.
“Mammy!” Tears fall down my cheeks and I wipe them with the back of my hand ’cause Daddy doesn’t like it when I cry.
She stares at me for a second, not bothering to wipe her face, then turns to Daddy. “Don’t hurt him. Please.”
“Ye are the one who hurt him when ye betrayed me, Amy. Once wasn’t enough, so ye stabbed me in the back two times. Now, ye will have to pay.” He stares at his other man in black, Patrick. “Take her away.”
“Please…please, Niall. I promise I’ll be good. I p-promise.”
“Ye made that same promise the other time as well, but did ye keep it? Did ye honor me like I honored ye? I should’ve listened when they said a whore will always be a whore.” He motions at Patrick with his head. “Lock her up.”
The man in black grabs her by the arm so hard that she winces.
My lips tremble and I twist against Luke’s hold. “Mammy! Mammy, don’t leave! Ye said ye’ll always be with me!”
“Shut it, Kyle,” Dad scolds.
Usually, I would listen, but I can’t tonight. Tonight, I want Mammy to hold me and put me back to sleep, even if it’s not in our new home. We can just stay with Daddy so he doesn’t get mad.
“Sweetheart.” She smiles at me through the tears. “It’s going to be okay.”
“Really?”
“Really.” She faces Daddy again. “I will tell ye.”
“Ye will tell me what?”
“All I know about the Russians’ attack. Also, ye should know there’s a traitor by yer side.”
He narrows his eyes. “Why should I believe ye?”
“Because I wouldn’t have wanted to leave if he weren’t a threat.”
“Ye will truly tell me everything?”
“Aye, but ye have to let me be with Kyle.”
“Ye will never escape again?” He doesn’t seem mad anymore, just…sad. But why? Daddy is never sad.
Mammy shakes her head once. “I won’t.”
“How do I know ye’re not bluffing?”
“I would never put Kyle in danger. Ye know that.”
“Right. Go on.”
She opens her mouth to speak, but it remains suspended with no sound coming out as a loud pop echoes in the air.
I hold my breath and my tears, not sure what just happened. A liquid pours out from the center of her chest, soaking the black jacket as she staggers and falls in Patrick’s arms.
“M-Mammy…?” My voice is small, hesitant. She’s not moving.
“Amy!” Daddy bellows, falling to his knees in front of her. “Get the fucker who did this!”
Patrick drops Mammy and runs in the opposite direction, but I don’t focus on him. The only thing I can see is Mammy on the ground, not able to move. Why can’t she? Is it because of the patch of liquid on her chest, which Daddy is squeezing?
“Mammy…” I call her again ’cause she always replies.
She doesn’t now.
Her head is lolling to the side and she’s coughing blood. That can’t be good. Mammy said blood gets out of people when they’re hurt.
“Amy…fuck…” Daddy holds her cheek tighter. “Stay with me…I’ll forgive anything if ye just…stay.”
“K-Kyle…” she mumbles.
Daddy motions at Luke, and he puts me on my feet beside her. Her eyes are half-closed as if she wants to go to sleep, but she smiles up at me. “S-so sorry, sweetheart. Mammy is so sorry.”
“Why?”
“B-because I couldn’t protect ye.”
“I will.” Daddy places an arm around my shoulder. “So don’t go. Kyle is the reason ye went through all of this, so it’s useless if ye die now.”
“Ye’re a good man, Niall. Ye truly are, but ye’re influenced by bad apples who clouded yer reason.” She places her hand on top of his. “I’ve never regretted making the decision to be with ye. Ye kept us safe as ye promised and…I-I’ll forever be grateful.”
“Amy…ye’re not allowed to leave.”
“I-if ye ever loved me, t-take care of Kyle…please…”
“Mammy…” I place my small hand on her mouth, wiping away the blood. “Are ye hurt?”
“I-I think so, sweetheart.”
“I’m gonna remove the blood so ye’re not.” I wipe at it with the sleeve of my coat, but it keeps coming out over and over again, streaming down her chin.
“Th-that’s my good boy.” She smiles a little. “Ye were born for great things, sweetheart. Make Mammy proud, okay?”
Daddy’s lips thin. “Stop talking like that, Amy.”
“Will ye take care of him, Niall?”
“Ye’ll wake up and do it yourself.”
“Promise ye’ll raise him properly. P-promise.”
“I will.”
Her lips remain frozen in a smile as a tear slides down her cheek. “Thank ye…”
She blinks once, then stops altogether, her eyes open wide but not looking at me.
“Mammy!” I scream. “Mammy!”
“Fuck,” Daddy murmurs under his breath, still grabbing her by the chest. “Fucking fuck!”
“Why isn’t Mammy moving?” I shriek. “Help her! She’s hurt.”
He squeezes my shoulder, and it’s like he’s about to crush my bones. “I’m sorry, lad. So sorry.”
“I don’t want ye sorry. I want Mammy to move.”
“Take him to his room, Luke.”
“Not so fast.” The familiar voice comes from behind us.
Daddy turns around, but it’s already too late. A pop echoes in the air and a patch of red explodes on Daddy’s white shirt. His hand falls from my shoulder as he staggers and his face hits the grass.
“D-Daddy…?”
I stare at how he’s sprawled on top of Mammy, but they’re not moving. It’s like they’re asleep, but they shouldn’t be asleep with their eyes open and blood all over them, right?
The blood has to be gone.
All of it.
I turn around to tell Luke to help them, but someone hits me across the face. My body swings back and I fall on the ground with a thud.
My vision moves between my parents, unable to take my eyes off them. If I sleep, they’ll be there in the morning, right?
“What should we do with the lad, boss? Kill him?” one of the men in black asks.
“Aye, of course. He’s a liability that we need to take care of,” another replies.
“No.” The one who shot Daddy interrupts them, his eyes glinting in the dark night. “I have better plans for him.”
