trying to work his magic on his physical therapist. He’s persistent. Kind of reminds me of Logan and his obsession with that dating app,” Jasmin chirps as she flits around my office, straightening cushions and moving files.
She’s been doing this every day for the past week since Rose left. Coming in and harping on about what the two of them have been texting to one another and talking about on their phone calls.
Each word is like a dagger to my chest. Knowing she’s out there and not where she should be. Where I wish she was.
Next to me. In my arms. In my bed. Buried so deep, just like she is in my heart.
“And then her sister, Harley, she’s in full wedding planning mode. Apparently marrying the Mayor of New York is big news. Rose said Harley has journalists following her about to all the planning appointments asking about colors and seating plans. Rose is maid of honor. She’s going to look amazing. Her dress is silver.”
Silver.
I curl my hands into fists on the arms of my chair as I stare out of the window and down the driveway to the estate’s main gates.
She isn’t coming through those gates again. Not today. Maybe not ever.
She’ll never forgive me for what I’ve done. I wouldn’t if I was her.
“I told her Julian hasn’t spoken much when he’s been questioned and that he’s been denied bail.” Jasmin sneers his name in disgust as she walks around the front of my chair and positions herself in front of the window, blocking my view. She crosses her arms and arches a brow. “Aren’t you going to ask how she sounded?”
A muscle in my jaw ticks. “How did she sound?”
Jasmin narrows her eyes at me, then lets out a sigh. “As miserable as you. For God’s sake, Dax, what the hell are you doing?”
And there it is. My little sister’s ball-busting fire she’s always had. I may have been her guardian since she was young. But she’s always been the one who has no problem dishing out the tough love.
“What’s needed,” I grunt.
Her eyes widen as she throws her arms wide. “What’s needed for who? I don’t get it. I’ve always known you, Dax. But right now, I can’t even begin to understand what’s going on in your head. Is this because of him?”
She means Julian. And the fact that he’s my father. A fact that I’ve gone over and over in my head, and it still rips at my gut every time like I’m hearing it for the first time again.
His blood. I share his blood.
“Because you know that means nothing. You never cared who your biological dad was before. Don’t start now. You’re nothing like him and you know it. Dad brought us up. Mom and Dad. And they did a great job.”
Jasmin looks at me with glassy eyes. No matter how many years pass, she always gets sad talking about losing them. I know she’s right. But the rage that’s burned through me since Rose told me is still there. It’s lying low in my gut, threatening to erupt spontaneously.
How can I be related to him?
But that’s not why I’ve been a moody bastard the past week. I mean, fuck, yes, it is to an extent. But there’s more. More that Jasmin doesn’t know yet. More that Rose doesn’t know.
And until Julian’s men are all rounded up, I can’t tell them. James whispered those words to me that night. About how we were being watched. How he didn’t know who to trust. That there might be a rat.
I had to let them arrest me. And I had to let them take Rose away. She was safer far away from me.
She still is.
Because until everyone who has a part in Julian’s operation is found, she’s at risk. He paid a guy to try and shank me in prison. All to get the estate. If he knew Rose was still around here, he would try and find a way to get to me, using her again.
The image of her face as he held her down against the hood of the car comes into focus in my head. I will never be able to unsee it as long as I live.
He will pay for this. Shared blood or not. Knowing how he left Mom for money only makes me hate him more. I wondered as a kid sometimes what my real dad was like.
Some things are better left unanswered.
“Look,” Jasmin continues, fixing her gaze on me. “You looked after me when we lost Mom and Dad. You built up a business. You survived prison. You survived a stabbing. You’re capable of anything, Dax. You know that.”
I look at her and pride swells in my chest. I’m so fucking impressed by the person she’s become. But she’s still my sister. And she could still be in danger too. It’s why she has a police protection detail following her in secret. She’d hate the idea, which is why I didn’t tell her. But Alistair knows.
My brother.
I’m still getting used to that shit-bomb too. I have a brother. And the day I got released, I met him properly, face-to-face. Jasmin sat like a peacekeeper the entire time, probably worried I would jump him for being Julian’s son. But if I wanted to hurt his own flesh and blood, then I could just watch in the mirror as I slit my own throat.
He actually surprised me by how much disdain he seems to have for his own father. And how much he really does care for Jasmin. We both agreed on one thing, at least. And that’s that Jasmin must be safe. Which is why he called me privately afterward and we set up the protection for her.
He cares about her. And the rest… time will tell how our relationship pans out, I guess.
But out of all my relationships, it’s not the one I’m fucking up the most.
No clues needed for which one that is.
“Do you want her back?” Jasmin walks over and crouches in front of me so she can look into my eyes. “Dax? Do you want Rose back?”
“She’d never forgive me.” I hang my head, tearing my eyes away from hers. She sees a good man when she looks at me. And it’s more than I can handle because I’m far from it.
“That’s not what I asked.” She tilts my chin up so my eyes meet hers. “You have to try. Your heart’s too big to be wasted.”
As if reading my mind, her brows pinch, before softening, and a smile dusts itself over her lips. “She doesn’t love you for your blood. It’s your heart. Your soul. The way you make her feel.”
I stare back at her, the weight of regret pulling on me with such force that it’s like I’m sinking into the ground, about to be swallowed up entirely. “Even if I could go to her, which I can’t… Even if I could… Would you forgive me? If you were her, and I admitted I’d lied to you and then I’d told you to go, would you forgive me?”
Jasmin searches my eyes, her shoulders dropping as she smiles sadly. “No. I can’t say that I would.”
“At least you’re honest. Which is more than I’ve been,” I snort as she wraps her arms around my neck and holds me.
“But I’d like that you tried,” she whispers. “It would mean something to me that you tried. I’ve watched you look after me all these years, Dax. It’s time you lived for you. Don’t waste any more days wondering what could happen. Don’t trap yourself in the what-ifs.”
I let my eyes fall closed as she strokes my back.
I don’t want to be trapped any more than she wants me to be. But freedom has never seemed like something meant for me.
I needed Rose to leave to keep her safe. She isn’t safe near me. Not yet. Not until this last thing is done. And it could take months until the last guy is found. The rat. Ironic really, considering what I am. And I have to tell Rose the whole truth. She deserves that. Even if that’s all I can do, I owe her that. But I’m still not in control of when I can tell her.
I’m never in fucking control.
James said it’ll take time.
It always takes fucking time. Time I’m fed up with wasting. Time I’m never in control of.
I want to be in control of my future.
And I pray to God Rose will be a part of it.
I always used to say to her, what am I going to do with you, Sunbeam? But I was wrong, because there’s no doubt in my mind since she left that I should have been asking a different question.
I should have been asking, what the fuck am I going to do without you, Sunbeam?
Because I have absolutely no fucking idea.
All I know is that time has no place for me without her.
Without her, I’m nothing.
