“Ryder, what would you like to drink?” Betty asked as she opened the refrigerator in her kitchen. “I’ve got apple juice, milk, water, lemonade and SunnyD. That was Willa’s favorite when she was your age. Oh, and Nate bought a case of Sprite because he is trying to give up Coke. Don’t ask me how trading one soda for another will help him quit the former because his reasoning makes no sense.”
“It makes perfect sense,” Nate said, walking into the kitchen. “I don’t like Sprite.”
“See?” Betty winked at my brother. “No sense.”
Ryder laughed. “I’ll try the SunnyD.”
“You got it. Jackson, what would you like?”
“Water, please.”
Betty nodded. “You guys make yourselves at home. I’ll get your drinks and come find you.”
“Can I help cook?” Ryder asked her. “Willa’s been teaching me.”
“A young chef. I like it.” Betty smiled as she filled a glass with ice. “Yes, you can help. You can help Willa peel the sweet potatoes.”
I glanced over at Willa at the sink. The moment we’d walked into the house, she’d gone right for the kitchen, practically ripping the potato peeler out of her mom’s hand to take over.
She looked over her shoulder at me, then turned her eyes down. She’d barely made eye contact with me over the last week. And whenever she did look at me, the pain in her eyes nearly broke me apart.
It was Thanksgiving and we were spending it with her family. Two months ago, I would have looked forward to a day at Nate and Betty’s place, eating a big meal. Maybe watching some football.
But now, I was coming out of my skin.
The last place I wanted to be was with Willa’s family. I didn’t want Ryder bonding with them. I didn’t want Nate and Betty to think this would be a new tradition.
This would be the one and only holiday he or I spent with the Doons.
The time for my inevitable split with Willa was here.
I should have cut her free sooner, but I’d been a coward. A big dumb coward. I hadn’t been able to walk away from her, because I wanted her too much. I needed her too much.
She kept me calm and collected. She’d been the one to keep me sane as I’d tried to fit Ryder into my life. Being the selfish asshole that I was, I’d clung to her because I needed her, and in the process, I’d let her get in too deep.
She was in love with me.
Somehow, I’d fooled her into thinking I was the kind of man she should love.
The night she’d asked me if I loved her, I should have ended it. I should have climbed out of her bed and walked away. But did I do the right thing? No, I’d just kept holding on, and in the process, I was hurting her. I told myself it would be just one more night. One more kiss on her hair. One more time to hold her in my arms.
One more time, then I’d let her go.
Except I still hadn’t worked up the nerve to say good-bye. I’d held on too long and now I was here with her family, getting ready to eat a turkey dinner that I sure as fuck didn’t deserve.
“So what do you normally do for Thanksgiving, Jackson?” Betty asked as she handed me my water.
“Thank you.” I forced a smile. “Normally I spend it with Hazel and Thea at the cottage.”
“Ahh. And where are they this year?”
“At Thea and Logan’s new place.”
They’d invited Ryder and me to come over, but Nate and Betty had already planned on having us here. Besides that, I couldn’t be around Thea and Logan right now. They were too happy.
Thea had announced this week that she was pregnant. She and Logan were over the moon to be having a baby and Charlie was thrilled to be a big sister.
I was glad for them, but it was more change. I suspected Thea would eventually quit the bar—her husband was a billionaire so she didn’t need to work. They’d have more kids and get on with their lives. I wouldn’t be surprised if they moved to New York one day.
Sooner or later, everyone leaves.
I watched Willa as she worked on the potatoes. Her long, beautiful hair was streaming down her back. She’d spent time curling it this morning, something she didn’t do that often, but I loved it when she did. She’d tamed the natural waves into these perfect swirls and the tips swished delicately at her waist.
I wanted to walk over, pull her into my arms and take a deep breath of that hair. I wanted to pull in the smell, just one more time. Instead, I shied toward the back wall of the kitchen, getting as far away from her as the room would allow.
Willa hadn’t stayed a night at my house for the last week, not since I’d gotten that late-night phone call to come down to the bar. Not since I’d made one of the biggest fucking mistakes of my life.
I missed her in my bed. It wouldn’t be the same without her.
Ryder said something to Willa as they peeled potatoes side by side and it made her smile.
That smile was sheer agony.
I was going to miss her so damn much, and I knew nothing would ever fill that void.
I’d never forget the musical sound of her laugh. I’d never forget those silly words she’d make up or the breakfasts she’d cooked me in her apartment.
I’d never forget the way it felt to have her in my arms as she drifted off to sleep.
“Well, I’d better go out and check my fryer,” Nate said, popping the top on a can of Sprite. He took a sip and grimaced. “Jackson, feel like some fresh air?”
“Sure.” Fresh air and some distance from Willa sounded like a great idea. I pushed off the wall and followed him to the back deck.
“Have you ever deep-fried a turkey?” Nate stepped through the sliding door and into the cold.
“I haven’t. Thea always makes them in the oven.”
“We normally do too, but I’ve been wanting to try this for years now. Betty made us do a test run a couple of weeks ago just to make sure I knew what I was doing. Dang, it’s good. This will be the best bird you’ve ever had in your life.”
“I believe it.” I took a long breath of the cool air as he turned on his fryer.
I let my eyes wander over their backyard and across the school’s playground.
I’d never be able to look at those swing sets again. I’d never be able to walk across a wide lawn and not think of climbing Willa’s staircase.
I rubbed my face, knowing the hollow feeling in my gut wouldn’t go away anytime soon. What was I going to do when she did find someone new? How was I going to stay in Lark Cove? I guess watching from a distance as she found the love she was supposed to have would be my punishment for hurting her.
And my reward.
Once Ryder graduated, maybe I’d leave Montana. I’d always come back to see Hazel, but for the first time, the idea of escaping Lark Cove didn’t seem all that bad.
Do you love me?
I wished she hadn’t asked. I wished I could have said yes. But I’d never told another person that I loved them before. Not Hazel or Thea or Charlie.
No one.
I didn’t know shit about love and Willa deserved someone who did. She deserved to have her dreams come true.
I was no dream maker.
“How are you?” Nate asked, coming to stand at my side.
Fucking miserable. “Good. You?”
“Oh, just fine. How are things at the bar?”
“Good. Slow this time of year.”
“I bet.”
We stood there, surveying his yard. It had snowed an inch last night so the grass was mostly covered in white. It looked peaceful, the exact opposite of the torment plaguing my heart.
Nate had to know things between Willa and me were ending. Yet he hadn’t turned us away. He’d welcomed me and my brother into his home to share a meal his wife was cooking.
Nate Doon was a good man, the best really. He’d be there for Willa after I broke her heart, helping her put it back together.
He clapped a hand on my shoulder, then gave it a squeeze. I looked at him, but neither of us spoke. Nate just gave me a nod, dropped his hand and went back inside. A few moments after he disappeared inside, the sliding door opened again.
“Hey.” Ryder appeared at my side. “What are you doing out here?”
“Nothing,” I told him. “Just getting some air.”
“Are you, uh . . .” He kicked some snow off the porch. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good,” I lied. “What about you? You doing okay?”
“You ask me that a lot.”
I chuckled. “Yep.” At least once a day.
I had no clue how to act like a parent to this kid, so I’d told him early on that he had to tell me if something was wrong. Still, I checked on him constantly, just so he’d know I cared. I could count on two fingers the number of people who’d had asked me if I was doing okay when I was a kid.
“I’m good,” he promised.
“You sure?”
He shrugged. “Do you think Willa can help me get caught up at school?”
“She’ll try.”
Ryder wanted so badly not to fall behind it was all he talked about. That, and if Willa could be his tutor. I hated to burst his bubble, but I didn’t want his hopes to get too high. Willa would tutor Ryder, even after we broke up, but I wouldn’t put her in that position.
“Listen, kid.” I turned away from the yard to face him. “If Willa can’t tutor you, then I will. So will Hazel and Thea. We’ll do whatever we can to help.”
His eyebrows furrowed. “Why wouldn’t Willa be able to help? Doesn’t she want to?”
“No, she does. But she’s got other stuff going on. It just . . . it just might not work out.”
“Oh.” He hung his head. “I get it. You guys are breaking up, aren’t you? I saw Willa crying the other morning in the kitchen. I don’t think she saw me, but I saw her. And then she hasn’t been back.”
Fuck. That must have been the morning after I’d gotten drunk at the bar. The same night I’d gotten a phone call I never should have answered.
“Is it because of me?” Ryder asked.
“No.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “It has nothing to do with you.”
It is all on me.
“I don’t want you to worry about it, okay? Just have fun today. And eat a lot of turkey.”
He smiled. “I can do that. I’m hungry.”
“We just had breakfast an hour ago.”
“Yeah, but I only ate two bowls of cereal because I didn’t want to get too full before lunch. I normally have three.”
I grinned. “I’m sure Betty won’t let you starve.”
The sliding door opened again and we turned to see Willa. She folded her arms over her chest as she stepped out into the cold air.
“Mom has a snack for you,” she told Ryder.
He immediately bolted for the door, leaving Willa and me alone.
“Good timing,” I said. “He just told me he was hungry.”
“I think he’s grown an inch since he moved here.” She watched Ryder as he disappeared inside.
“I think you’re right.” Now that he was getting all the food he could eat, Ryder had sprouted. There was no question he would be tall like me. And if my hunch was right, he’d fill out and have the frame of a linebacker. He just needed groceries.
“Are you going to stay out here?” Willa dropped her eyes, looking anywhere but at me as she spoke. Meanwhile, I stared at her, soaking her in while I still could.
“For a while.”
She pursed her lips, then went back to the door. But before she opened it, she paused and turned around. “Do you even want to be here?”
Tell her the truth. “Not really.”
Pain flashed across her face as she stood there, staring at her feet. After a few seconds, she squared her shoulders, and when she looked up, her beautiful blue eyes were filled with angry tears.
“Are you ever going to tell me why? Or are you just waiting until I’ve finally had enough and end this for you?”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Isn’t it? Then why? I might be new to this, but I’m not stupid. You don’t want to be together, so tell me why.”
The pleading in her voice was killing me. “Let’s talk about it later, okay?”
She shook her head. “Let’s talk about it now.”
“I don’t want to wreck your Thanksgiving.”
“Too late,” she whispered. “Why? I want to know why.”
My shoulders fell. The last thing I wanted was to do this today, or any day, but she deserved an explanation. At least today, she’d be here with her family. So I took a deep breath, met her gaze and dove headfirst into a conversation I’d been dreading for weeks.
“We want different things.”
“Different things?” she repeated. “Like what?”
“Marriage. Kids.”
“You don’t want to get married.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t.”
“Ever? Or just to me?”
“Ever.” The last thing I wanted was for her to think it was because of her. If there was a woman I’d marry, it would be Willa.
But I wasn’t that guy. I saw the way she looked at her parents. She wanted what they had. Commitment. Love. Till death do us part. I wasn’t the man to give her those things.
“So what if I told you I didn’t want to get married either?” she asked.
“You don’t want to get married?”
“Yes, I do. I want to get married. I want to have what my parents have.” She looked over her shoulder at the house. “But I want to know if marriage was off the table, would you still be doing this?”
“Yes.”
She gritted her teeth. “Why?”
“You’re going to want kids.”
“How do you know?” she fired back. “You’ve never asked me. How do you know I want kids?”
Because I knew her. Inside and out, I knew Willa.
And at this moment, she needed to play this little game. I’d go along with it and answer her hypotheticals if it made it easier to say good-bye.
“Well?” I asked. “Do you want kids?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then there you go. I don’t.”
She dropped her arms, fisting her hands at her sides. The last time I’d seen her this frustrated, she’d been on her doorstep in her pajamas. I’d never forget how beautiful she was the first night I came to her house.
“Why?” she asked.
“Why, what?”
“Why don’t you want kids?”
“I just . . . don’t. I don’t want kids. I don’t want to get married. You do. End of story. End of us.”
She rocked back on her heels like I’d shoved her. “So that’s it?”
I nodded. “That’s it.”
“Okay,” she whispered, dropping her chin. A tear fell, landing in a scuff of snow by her boot.
My hand reached for her on instinct, but I forced it back and into my pocket. “I’ll go. Do you want me to take Ryder?”
She shook her head, wrapping her arms around her stomach. “No. Let him stay.”
I opened my mouth to tell her good-bye but the words wouldn’t come. My feet wouldn’t move off the edge of the deck, because the moment I stepped off, this would be over.
I took one last long look at Willa, the woman who’d given me the best summer of my life, and whispered, “I’m sorry.”
She didn’t respond. She didn’t look at me.
She just let me go.
I stepped off the deck, nearly collapsing as a lead weight settled on my shoulders. My boots were so heavy I had to practically drag my feet across the yard and onto the school’s property.
Every step I took, I got colder. I felt sicker.
This feeling was the reason I didn’t get close to people. This was the reason it was better to live alone. It hurt too much to say good-bye. It was damn near crippling.
I walked faster, angry at myself and this entire situation. And I was angry at Willa for making me feel this way.
Why had she waited so long for me? Why had she made me crave her? Why couldn’t she have gone to college and met her future husband? That way, I never would have known her. She would have always just been Willow.
This was just as much her fault as it was mine.
My strides got longer as I played the irrational blame game. I didn’t play for long. I wanted to be mad at Willa, but I couldn’t.
She was innocent, just a victim of my fucked-up life.
Maybe I wasn’t so different from Melissa Page after all. I’d stolen a page from her playbook today, making sure that I was never the one in the rearview mirror again.
I’d almost reached the swing set when an angry word rang across the playground.
“No.”
What? My feet stopped and I spun around.
Willa was right behind me, not five feet away. Had she been following me this whole time?
“Willa—”
“No,” she cut me off again, closing the distance between us.
“No, what?”
“No, you don’t get to leave.”
I sighed. “Go home, Willa.” Please go home. I didn’t have it in me to say no if she asked me to stay.
She looked up at me with a defiance like nothing I’d ever seen before. She looked fierce and bold and beautiful.
And she told me, “No.”
