“Any Jackson sightings lately, Willa?” Leighton asked.
It was the night after I’d foolishly gone to the bar and sat with Jackson. I was out at the diner with three friends from high school.
I shook my head. “I’m, um, kind of done with that whole thing.”
Three shocked faces stared my way.
Giving up on Jackson was kind of a huge deal. Leighton, June and Hannah had known about my epic crush from day one. Though, Leighton was the only one who’d ever supported my feelings for Jackson. June and Hannah never spared their comments on how ridiculous it was.
At least one good thing would come from giving up on Jackson. I wouldn’t have to deal with their snide commentary anymore when we met every other week for cheeseburgers.
Leighton set down her burger. “What do you mean, you’re done with that whole thing?”
I shrugged. “I’m just . . . done.”
June and Hannah shared a look.
“Well, I think it’s great.” June smiled. “And about damn time.”
“Me too. Here, here!” Hannah raised up her Diet Coke for a toast.
June hoisted her glass of water right to the middle of the booth, both of them waiting for me and Leighton to join in.
A bruised heart wasn’t something I felt like toasting, but I picked up my Coke anyway, reluctantly lifting it in the air. Leighton didn’t touch her Dr. Pepper. She was too busy studying my profile.
I gave her come on, let’s just get this over with eyes, and she finally joined in.
“Cheers!” June chimed. “Here’s to Willa finally giving up on the hot bartender.”
The hot bartender. They’d always called Jackson the hot bartender.
Their quips about Jackson made no sense. If I declared right now that I wanted to jump in bed with him and use his sculpted body for sex, they’d be all for it. All they saw when they looked at him was a tight ass and muscular arms.
Heaven forbid I actually like the man enough to want a relationship. That was just me being naïve. It didn’t matter to them that he was funny and charming. They didn’t care that he was so good with Charlie it made my heart skip.
He was just the hot bartender.
Maybe it was ridiculous to have feelings for someone I’d never spoken to on the phone or texted even once. I might be ridiculous for letting a high-school crush last beyond college. And it was ridiculous to think I stood a chance with a man who’d called me by the wrong name for years.
Ridiculous.
The last thing I wanted was to admit that they’d been right all this time.
“What happened?” Leighton asked.
“Nothing,” I lied.
She didn’t buy it, but she didn’t push any further.
Leighton knew I’d tell her everything later. We shared no secrets.
I was the only person who knew what had happened to her our freshman year. Well, other than the scum who’d assaulted her. Two weeks into college, we’d gone to a party off campus. The two of us had had too much to drink and both had blacked out. Someone had raped her while I’d been passed out alone in a bathroom stall, draped over a toilet.
She refused to tell anyone but me about that night.
Or the miscarriage she’d had four weeks later.
We’d made a pact back then to be there for one another. So I would tell her about Jackson kissing me, then forgetting. I’d kept that story to myself this long simply because it was just too embarrassing to relive. But after tonight, Leighton would hear it all, from the swing set to his visit at the camp yesterday. And I’d tell her all about how he’d blatantly checked out a woman’s breasts and butt last night right in front of me.
He’d asked me to stay at the bar and get to know him. Well, one could say I’d learned a lot.
I wanted to get Leighton’s opinion on the matter, but not tonight and certainly not in front of June and Hannah. I wasn’t quite ready to confess yet.
It was still too raw.
Leighton and I were closer to each other than either of us had ever been to June or Hannah. We’d all grown up together, but now June and Hannah lived and worked in Kalispell. While Leighton and I had always shared a special friendship, the same could be said of June and Hannah.
Still, the four of us tried to meet every other week or so for dinner. Sometimes, Leighton and I would go up to Kalispell. Other weeks, June and Hannah would drive down here.
“Guess who I saw as I was driving through town?” Hannah asked. “Brendon Jacoby.”
Goodness gracious. Here it comes. I picked up my burger and took an enormous bite so I wouldn’t be able to talk. June and Hannah had been trying to set me up with Brendon ever since he’d moved back to Lark Cove last year. They’d never forgotten the crush I’d had on him my junior year. I guess now that Jackson wasn’t in the picture anymore, they’d be even more ruthless in their matchmaking attempts.
“He’s just as cute as ever.”
I just kept chewing.
“My mom told me he broke up with that woman he was dating in Kalispell.” Hannah wagged her eyebrows. “You should stop by his house. Say hi. Ask him to take you out for dinner.”
June giggled. “Or to take your virginity.”
I nearly choked on my bite as my face flushed bright red. Why was being a virgin funny? I finished chewing, wanting to say something back, but decided another bite was a better idea. When I got flustered or embarrassed, I never said the right thing.
The right retort would come eventually. I’d be sitting at home, stewing, and think of exactly what to say and how to say it. My comebacks were witty and hilarious. They were crafted with the perfect amount of sarcasm and bite.
They just came too late.
“Not funny, June,” Leighton snapped.
“I’m just joking.” She snickered. “Sort of.”
Why were we still friends with June? I didn’t remember her being such a mean girl in high school. Maybe I’d just missed it. But ever since we’d started this biweekly dinner after college, she’d brought along this attitude that more often than not rubbed me the wrong way.
One of these days, someone was going to put her in her place.
I just hoped I’d be there to watch.
“Whatever happened with that guy you liked from your office, Hannah?” Leighton asked.
I nudged her knee with mine, silently thanking her for changing the subject.
Hannah grinned and launched into a whole sordid tale about her seducing him last Friday night and screwing him in her office after everyone had left for the weekend. She didn’t spare any details about her sex life. She never had. And every time she said the word cock or fuck, she looked right at me.
Leighton thought she did it to shock or embarrass me. Maybe she was right. Our senior year, Hannah had given us all the dirty details about her relationship with two football players and her stories had definitely shocked me back then.
They didn’t anymore. I’d read erotic romance novels. I’d stumbled onto a rather educational account on Tumblr once. Heck, in college, I’d had to assist in teaching sex education during my one semester of student teaching.
The only reason I was blushing tonight was because Hannah was talking way too loudly as she described her lover’s technique, and three tables down sat our former math teacher Mr. Rockman.
Couldn’t we save these stories for margarita night?
Hannah went on and on and I focused on my cheeseburger, ignoring her constant looks from across the booth.
One day I’d find the right guy and he’d be my first. I wasn’t in a rush to jump in bed with someone just because I was curious or felt the need to check lose my virginity off a list. I wanted it to be special. And for the longest time, I’d been holding out hope that my first time would be with Jackson.
A hollow feeling settled in my chest when I realized that dream was gone.
I was twenty-six years old. I had kissed one man, after which he’d forgotten. I’d never had a boyfriend or sex. I’d never been in love.
All because I’d been waiting for Jackson Page.
I didn’t want to be twenty-seven and still single. I didn’t want to be ridiculous anymore. I’d made the decision weeks ago to give up on him, but it hadn’t really hit me until now. If I didn’t move on—if I didn’t let the illusion of him go—I’d be alone.
I shoved a huge bite of my cheeseburger into my mouth so I wouldn’t cry.
Damn you, Jackson.
Damn you.
“Are we going to the bar for a drink tonight?” June asked after we’d all finished eating.
“I can’t,” I said, digging in my purse for a twenty. “I have to go back to camp and teach my constellations class.”
Even if I didn’t have to teach, I certainly wouldn’t be going to the bar again.
We all dropped some cash on the table and slid out of the booth. I gave my friends each a hug good-bye and promised to call Leighton tomorrow. Then I went back to the camp and met a group of excited kids in the main lodge.
I gave them each a constellation map and flashlight, then led them on a short hike to a clearing in the trees next to the lake.
As the kids tried to find Ursa Major and Cassiopeia, I picked the brightest star in Sagittarius.
And I wished to forget Jackson Page.
There was a rustling outside my door.
No one was knocking, but there was a distinct rustling sound.
And muttering.
I barely made out the words damn and shit.
I sat up in bed, clutching the covers to my chest as I strained to listen. My parents were fast asleep so it couldn’t be them. Plus, they didn’t curse.
The list of my regular visitors was short—Leighton, June and Hannah. And since I was certain that they were all asleep in their own beds, there was only one person who would come to see me in the middle of the night.
Jackson.
I whipped off the covers and tiptoed across the cool maple floors toward the door. The curtain over the window was pulled back just enough on one side to peek through a crack.
And sure enough, there he was.
Jackson Page in all his glory.
He was fixing one of my mom’s flowerpots he must have knocked over. Once he’d pushed it up against the wall and swept away the spilled soil, he stood and pulled a note from his pocket. He came right to the door and I shied back. With barely a sliver to see him through, I watched as he tried to shove a piece of paper into the slit between the deadbolt and the doorframe.
Why was he here?
I should have just let him leave his note and go, but I was curious. How long had I hoped for his attention? Too many hours to count. Now I had it and I wanted to know why.
Curiosity had turned me into a glutton for punishment.
Quickly, I righted my pajamas so the seams weren’t crooked. My camisole was black, not as see-through as he’d seen the other night. My hot-pink pajama pants had little black bows on the cotton and were cuter than the yellow ones I’d been wearing during his last visit.
Just as I tugged my camisole up higher on my breasts, Jackson managed to get his note wedged by the lock and turned to leave.
I stepped over to the knob, undid the deadbolt and opened the door.
Jackson spun back around, his eyes taking in my bare feet and pajamas. “Hey. Sorry to wake you.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, chilled from the night air. It was August but nights in Montana were still cool. Not to mention that being around Jackson gave me goose bumps.
“What are you doing here?”
He bent and picked up the note that had fallen when I’d opened the door. He held it out. “I swear I’m not stalking you. But I didn’t think this could wait.”
I took it from his hand and started to unfold it, but he stopped me. “Don’t read it. Not while I’m here.”
“Okay.” I folded it back up, shoved it in my pants pocket and recrossed my arms.
I didn’t say anything else, but I didn’t go inside either. I just stood there as we stared at one another.
He’d chased me into the parking lot last night and told me that something between us felt special. Then he’d checked out that woman right in front of me. I’d had to sit witness as he’d drooled over her cleavage and raked his eyes over her ass as she’d strutted to the door.
Had he gone home with her after I’d left? Did he even realize how much he’d hurt me? He treated me like second place. I was just a consolation prize. A nobody.
I was right there—sitting right there in front of him—and he picked someone else. Again. The pain I’d felt at the diner came back in full force.
I really needed that wish I’d made earlier tonight to come true.
“Good night.” I gripped the door to close it, but before it moved an inch, he said the one word guaranteed to stop me and make me weak in the knees.
“Willa.”
My name, said in his deep rumble, had never sounded so good.
“What?” I whispered.
“Dinner. Tomorrow at the bar.”
Was that a question or an order? I shook my head, closing the door another inch. “Good night, Jackson. Just . . . good night.”
“Wait.” With one stride, he stepped close. Too close. My breath hitched as the heat waves from his chest radiated my way. My goose bumps grew their own goose bumps and it had nothing to do with the temperature.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because I can’t get you out of my head.” Jackson lifted a hand and brushed his knuckles down my arm, all the way from my shoulder to my elbow.
A shiver took a slow roll down my spine. “M-me?”
“Yeah. You.” He ran his hand back up to my shoulder, sending a tingle of electric sparks to my fingers.
The sensation made me sway on my bare feet.
Was I dreaming? This had to be a dream. Or was it a prank? My heart dropped to my stomach as I realized this could be some twisted joke. Like the time in ninth grade when Oliver Banks had asked me to the homecoming dance only because his friends had dared him to ask Mr. Doon’s daughter. He’d danced with me once, then admitted he had a crush on Hannah and left to dance with her instead.
Maybe someone had put Jackson up to this just to get a laugh. Was he making fun of me because of my crush?
“Is this a joke?” I whispered.
“What?” He gaped at me. “Why would you think this is a joke?”
“Forget it.” His astonishment made me feel slightly better. “I have a long day tomorrow so . . .” I shuffled back a few inches.
“Wait.” He reached out and cupped my elbow. “Why the hell would you think this was a joke?”
“Just because,” I said, fighting back tears.
I was exhausted and my wits were threadbare, so when I opened my mouth, the words in my head came out in a rush. “I’ve known you for years, Jackson, and you’ve hardly spoken to me at all. Then out of the blue, you ki—”
I stopped before I blurted out that he’d kissed me before. There was no need to relive that level of humiliation. Since he’d forgotten about our night in the playground, I was going to forget it too.
“I, what?” He nudged my elbow to keep talking. “What?”
“You come here,” I said, recovering. “You come to my work. You tell me that something about us feels special, but then you check out another woman in the bar. Is that all you want? An easy score? Because I hate to break it to you, but I’m as far from easy as you can get.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” He held up his hands. “I did not check that chick out last night.”
“I was there. You looked right down her shirt and then at her butt as she left.”
“That was not because I was interested in her. Trust me.”
I frowned, sending him a silent yeah, right.
“It wasn’t! You know what it’s like when you drive by a dead deer on the side of the road? You don’t want to look at the blood and guts, but you can’t help it. That’s how it was with that woman. And I only watched her leave because I was worried she’d twist her ankle with the way she was strutting around and then sue me.”
“That’s . . . gross.” Although the roadkill analogy made sense.
“I’m not here as a joke, Willa. And I’m not here because I think you’re an easy score.” He paused, then chuckled. “I’ve put more work into trying to get you on a date than I have with any other woman in years.”
My jaw dropped. Had he just said that? Right when I’d stopped wanting to slam the door in his face, he’d ruined everything with that last comment. My hands fisted at my sides, my spine straightening into a steel rod.
“Putting in some effort is funny to you? I know women normally just fall at your feet, but you’ll have to excuse me for not stripping off my clothes and falling naked into your bed. Really, I’m so sorry to disappoint you.”
For once, my sarcastic comeback came at the right moment. Yes! I mentally high-fived myself.
Jackson’s smile dropped. “That’s not what I meant. You took that the wrong way.”
I didn’t care to know what the right way was. “Good night, Jackson.”
“Dinner. Just one dinner and I’ll leave you alone.” He took my elbow again, stopping me. “Look, we don’t know each other all that well, but I’d like to change that. Start as friends. Go from there. Haven’t you ever seen someone before and just felt this need to know them?”
Yes, I had.
Nine years ago in a gas station.
But timing had never been on my side. Back then—heck, three weeks ago—I would have agreed to dinner without question. Now, I wasn’t sure if having Jackson in my life was a good idea.
I was inviting heartache to my front door.
Before I could reject him, he let me go and took a step back. “Think about it. I’ll see you around.”
Then he turned and jogged down my steps, crushing a few flowers with his boots as he went. Mom needed to get over and do some pruning. I was even having a hard time maneuvering the stairs amid all the greenery.
I stayed in the doorway, watching Jackson as he descended the stairs and crossed my yard. Like he’d done before, he glanced over his shoulder, giving me one last look before continuing onto the school’s lawn.
When he was gone, I went inside and closed the door. Then I sat on the edge of my mattress and flipped on my bedside lamp. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I slipped the note he’d given me from my pocket.
Willa
I’m sorry for calling you Willow.
It won’t happen again.
Jackson
I snorted a laugh. I didn’t know what I’d expected to find in his note, but that wasn’t it.
Setting the note down, I crawled into bed and snuggled in deep. I was beat and had another busy day ahead. I hoped I’d be able to fall asleep quickly and forget about the last ten minutes. But, just like the last time Jackson had graced my doorstep, sleep didn’t come easily. My thoughts were consumed with Jackson’s handwriting.
And how much I liked seeing my name written in his sloppy scrawl.
